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Lo
IF I THOUGHT THINGS were hard before, once pre-season training started, things felt impossible. When Maverick wasn’t in the gym or on the court, he was studying or hanging out with the team.
I got it. For most star athletes their lives became all about whatever sport they played, and Maverick had to work harder than most to keep up with his classes. I was proud of him. So proud. But I’d underestimated how left behind I would feel.
I suspected he sensed it. He called all the time. Between classes. On breaks during practice. And if he couldn’t call, he texted. In reality, I spoke to Maverick more now than I had when he lived in Wicked Bay. But it felt different.
We felt different.
Kylie and Laurie tried to reassure me it was just how it was for couples doing the long-distance thing. Stella and Dad too. In fact, everyone around me insisted it was normal.
So what did I do?
I plastered on a smile, stopped complaining, and told myself that everything was fine. But I should have known it wouldn’t take much for my walls to come crumbling down.
“Ah, Lo, come in.” Miss Tamson beamed at me from her desk. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too,” I said around a fake smile. I’d worn it so much it almost felt natural now.
Almost.
“Grab a seat and we can make a start.” She motioned to the empty chair opposite her desk. “I take it you’ve settled into senior year okay?”
“Yep.”
“How are classes going?”
“So far, so good.”
“Now I know that before the summer break I asked you to think about college options. How is that going?”
“It’s... going.”
Her smile faded, replaced with a grimace. “I see.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to go to college.”
“But Lo—”
“Wait, please, just hear me out. Last year was tough for me. Really tough. I lost my mum, my brother, and in some ways, I lost a part of myself.” I was surprised at how easy the words flowed out. But they were long overdue.
“Moving to Wicked Bay was a fresh start. New country. New family. New school. But as you can imagine, finding out your new family is one of the most well-known families in town...” and not for all the right reasons, I wanted to add, but bit back the words. “Well, it’s been an interesting twelve months to say the least.”
“I can see it’s been a lot for you to deal with, yes.”
“Which brings me to college. I’m not ready, Miss Tamson. Maybe my grades and teachers say otherwise, but I don’t feel ready. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.”
“Lo, I understand. Probably more than you think. But that’s what college is for. Finding yourself. Pushing your limits. College will open all of those doors for you to explore.”
“Will it though? Or will it force me into making decisions I’m still not ready for? I lost everything last year, Miss Tamson. Everything. I’m still coming to terms with all that. Really, I don’t mean to sound whiny, that’s not what th—”
“I would never call you that, Lo.”
“Yeah, I know.” I released a weary sigh. “I’m just saying you’re asking me for answers I don’t have yet. Answers I might not have now or next week or the week after that. Do I want to attend college one day? Sure, maybe. But do I see myself there this time next year? I don’t think so, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with the idea of giving myself some time. If I change my mind in the meantime, I’ll figure it out.”
Maverick had applied to SU late and still been accepted.
Miss Tamson looked me dead in the eye and leaned over her folded arms. “And the SAT next month?”
“I’ll take the test. I don’t want to fail high school, Miss Tamson. But I don’t want to decide my future right now.”
“Well,” she choked. “This was not exactly how I saw this conversation going, I must admit.”
“I’m sorry.” I slid my hands underneath my thighs to stop them from trembling. Earlier I hadn’t planned on pouring out my heart and soul to her. But the second I saw the anticipation and hope glittering in her eyes, I knew I couldn’t give her the answers she wanted.
Because I still didn’t have them.
As if she heard my thoughts, Miss Tamson said, “It sounds like you’ve given this a great deal of thought, Lo, but can I ask you one thing?”
“Sure.”
“Are you sure this isn’t about being scared?”
“Scared?”
“You talked a lot about not being ready. About not being able to make the decisions. But have you considered that maybe you don’t want to make them because of what that means?”
I opened my mouth to reply but instead clamped my lips shut, mulling over the thoughts zipping through my head.
“Despite what you might think, I don’t have all the answers, Lo.” Her voice softened. “I can only guide you on your path. I may be crossing a line here, but I think you’re making a mistake. By not making this decision now, you’re only prolonging the inevitable.”
“Which would be?” I snapped, irritated with her assumptions.
“I think you think moving forward means leaving them behind. That by fully living your life here in California you feel you’ll be doing them a disservice.” Her lips curved in a smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Loss is something we all have to deal with in our way, but don’t let it define you, Lo. I want more for you. And so would your mom and brother.”
~
AFTER MY MEETING WITH Miss Tamson, I picked up my bag and walked out of school. Maybe it was a foolish thing to do but her words had obliterated my walls. I guess people weren’t wrong when they said the truth hurt.
My eyes stung, and the deep ache in my chest made it hard to breathe.
I felt numb.
It didn’t take long for the search party to start. My cell phone lit up like the fourth of July fireworks Maverick had taken me to see over at the Bay.
Kyle: Please tell me Matty is wrong, and you didn’t just skip class?
Kyle: Cous, if you want me to avoid me pulling the Rick card TEXT ME BACK
Laurie: Kyle’s losing his mind here, please text and let us know you’re okay
Kyle: ELOISE STONE, I’m giving you one more chance... don’t push me
It vibrated again, and I expected to see Kyle’s name. When I saw Maverick’s name instead, my heart sank.
Maverick: What happened?
Me: I’m okay. I just needed some space. Tell Kyle I’m fine xo
Maverick: Do you need me?
Yes, I needed him. I needed him so much it hurt. But that was part of the problem, wasn’t it? Miss Tamson had only touched on the surface of my issues. Losing Mum and Elliot was the most soul-destroying, heartbreaking thing I’d ever experienced. But they weren’t the only reason I couldn’t move forward. Because somewhere along the way, I’d filled the hole they left with Maverick. He’d become my person.
My crutch.
I’d used Maverick to fix me. To piece me back together. Except I wasn’t whole. I still had cracks. The deep kind. The ones that wouldn’t go away just because someone said they loved you.
But it wasn’t until Maverick left for SU that I realised just how far I still had to go.
I stared his words, wanting so badly to say yes. Because I needed him so much it terrified me, but therein lay the problem.
Me: No, I’m okay. I promise. I had a meeting with Miss Tamson and it hit me harder than I expected. Just needed to get out of there.
M averick: Where are you?
Me: I’m going home. I just want to be alone.
Maverick: I’m due back on the court in five but I’ll text you as soon as I get out. I love you, Lo. Whatever happened, we’ll figure it out
Me: Okay xo
I thumbed the tears rolling down my cheek as I walked home. Maverick would always fight for me. With his fists and with his heart. But this was one fight he couldn’t win. Because in this scenario he was the villain. He’d stolen my heart. Taken it for his own. I’d let it go willingly because Maverick made me feel alive. He made me feel safe and cherished and loved.
Maverick was my saviour.
But I realised now, if I wanted to move forward, this girl had to save herself.
~
I KEPT MY WORD AND went straight home.
I’d planned on climbing into bed and crying until there were no tears left to come. But I didn’t. Somewhere on the walk home, I decided I could go home and cry, or I could go home and face my fears.
And that’s exactly what I did.
The house was empty. Dad was out of town on business, and Stella and Beth were staying with her mum for a couple of days. After making myself something to eat, I went into my room, pulled on Elliot’s hoodie and dug out the old shoebox from the bottom of my closet. My fingers ran over the edge, trembling as I lifted off the lid. Seeing their faces was waking up in that hospital bed all over again. The crippling pain and guilt.
“God, I miss you both.” I smoothed my finger over Elliot’s face. It was a photo of us both taken on my sixteenth birthday, right after he’d given me the painting. The tattoo inked on my arm hummed. As if it knew. Knew I was looking at its creator.
Gathering up the box and its contents, I moved to my bed, slipping under the covers. There was only a small stack of photos. Me with mum. Me with Elliot. The three of us together through various milestones: my birthday, Elliot’s leavers dance. There was one of the four of us—me, Dad, Mum, and Elliot. It felt like a different time. Someone else’s life. Yet, I could still remember the day as if it were yesterday. It was Christmas. The year before I turned sixteen. Mum always made us wear crazy Christmas jumpers at dinner. We’d eat until we felt sick and then play Monopoly until Dad and Elliot fell out over who owned the most properties. It wasn’t anything special. There was no extravagant party, food, or gifts. Just four people enjoying each other’s company.
A family.
Grief hit me like a tsunami. It was too late to run. All I could do was to try to withstand the onslaught. I clutched the photo and curled up, fighting back the tears. But they were strong. Too strong. So I squeezed my eyes shut. Letting them fall silently. Letting the pain and heartache consume me until it swallowed me whole.
~
“LO?”
“M-Maverick?” I murmured cracking an eye open. “What time is it?”
“Late,” he said, pulling back the covers and slipping into bed with me.
“But... what?” Confusion clouded my head. “You’re here?” He wasn’t supposed to be here.
His arms enveloped me, and I sank into his warm chest. “I’m here.”
“But?”
“You needed me. I came.”
“You didn’t have to come.” I snuggled closer dancing on the precipice of consciousness and oblivion.
“Yes, I did. I’m just sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”
“This isn’t a dream? You’re really here?”
“I’m really here.” His lips touched my shoulder. “Now go back to sleep,” he ordered.
And I did.