CHAPTER 1

 

"One time all the devils in the world had a meeting to decide what it was they could do to make folks even more miserable than they already were.

"First thing happened was the Chairdevil stood up and allowed as how they all ought to be congratulated for doing such a fine job so far." The woman paused to heighten suspense while the children who were huddled around her in the noisy schoolyard strained so that they wouldn't miss anything she might say next.

The children were fascinated by the woman, not only because of what she said, but because of how she said it. When she talked, she moved her face more than people usually did and she moved her body too, so that she seemed to be the Chairdevil calling a meeting to order. This was the second story—she'd told another, a short one, at morning recess, a silly one about animals, just to whet their appetites. The boy had been impressed then too by the way she spoke different voices with each character, seeming to turn into a new person as she spoke in each new voice. She never left out important words, even if they weren't suitable for children, and somehow, all of this combined to make her words come as alive in his mind as anything he had seen on TV. She moved more than he would have thought possible for such a small person, and all without shifting from her sheltered position in the middle of the group.

And she was funny-looking. Oh, you could tell she had once been pretty enough to be a corporate executive herself, but she'd let lines get in her face, though her eyes were still snapping bright and her cheeks red as apples after the grocer sprayed them with a hose. Her legs were still fine and shapely, the boy noticed that too, right off, but her waist was too thick. And her hair was a mop of gray, not white, not silver, not violet or blond, but plain old elderly gray curls. Nor was her voice quite what he was used to. When she wasn't pretending to be someone else, it had a snap and a twang and sometimes a sugary drawl. She didn't call them children, she called them kids, and instead of trying to learn their names, she carelessly addressed them all as hon or darlin' or kiddo. His mom would have a fit if she knew he was listening to someone like that. Everybody knew better than to talk like that these days. You learned better just listening to the educational shows on your TV. This crazy old woman might as well have been a spaceperson for all the similarity she bore to the women even his grandmother knew. He couldn't wait to hear what she was going to say next.

" 'We've made great strides in this century, fellow devils,' the Chairdevil said.'Why, our nuclear bomb, nuclear reactors, and all our other nuclear knickknacks by themselves can not only blow up the world and melt down into mass catastrophe but can make those greedy, hysterical suckers out there square off against each other like nothing has since the apple Our Founder sold First Couple.' A round of polite applause greeted this, but it was pretty much old stuff. The Chairdevil was a fairly conservative fellow in his way, and liked to stick with the tried and true.

"After a bit he waved his hands for the others to stop clapping and continued, 'And for those who have their heads too stuck in the mud to notice a little thing like world destruction, some of you enterprising souls have added teensy little wars in miserable little places. I'd mention them individually, but I can't keep track of them myself. Just let me say that just because the war you promote isn't a big budget job between major powers doesn't mean it isn't important. The little stuff adds up and I want you to know it is by no means overlooked.' The Doom and Destruction Devil and the Stupidity and Ignorance Devil exchanged knowing glances and settled back with sighs full of long-suffering and neglect. The Chairdevil theoretically did know that the cumulative effect of their very successful efforts to see hunger and hostility clamp down on one regime in one little country after another regime in another little country made all the difference—all the difference—in the world, but the Chairdevil just naturally went for the flamboyant. Simple things like astronomical death tolls didn't impress him. He liked things to go boom. In some ways, he was surprisingly democratic. He enjoyed seeing great civilizations crumbling, the rich and privileged, the sheltered and pampered, dying just as miserably as poor folks. It was one of his more endearingly infuriating characteristics.

"He departed from his notes then, laying them down and saying in a casual, off-the-cuff way, 'And I really like what y'all have been doing with the terrorism thing too. Very clever. Very tricky. Pick off the civilians. Pick off the so-called innocents. Why should they be left out? Keep reminding our minions that it's up to us to set the example. If our people commit one little suggestive atrocity, our lead will be followed and amplified tenfold.' He looked kind of humble and grateful after that and everyone else tried to look the same way.

" 'On the domestic front, I think the pestilence department should be congratulated on all those diseases that have made it more dangerous than ever for the livestock out there to reach out and touch anyone. I like the sanctimonious thing S&I has been promoting to go with it too.' The Stupidity and Ignorance Devil held up both huge hands and made them shake each other in the air like a prize fighter. Now he was one that always got a lot of pleasure out of the little things. 'And by the way, S&I should continue to be congratulated for inspiring all those enterprising people out there who even when there are no nearby minority groups of any sort for them to hate never forget to hate them anyway on general principle and continue to foster generations of hatred by never failing to beat their kids, their parents, and each other with enthusiastic ferocity.'

"All the other devils certainly agreed that they could drink to something like that and they clapped some more and said 'Bravo' and 'Hear hear' and so on, making an awful racket until the Chairdevil shushed them again.

" 'It has come to my notice, however,' he continued, 'that while we're doin' just dandy in the department of adding little complications to people's lives, we have been remiss in the taking-things-away department.'

"Well, the devil in charge of the root of all evil got himself in an uproar over that and he stood up on his high horse and told the Chairdevil that he objected, because hadn't he caused recessions, depressions, inflations, and a doozy of a stock crash that sent the world's money supply on a roller-coaster ride and made several prime ministers and premiers, one or two presidents, and a couple of kings wonder who they couldn't start a measly little war with, just to raise steel and oil prices a mite and get rid of more of the excess population?

"But the Chairdevil waved him down and said, 'Now, Root, you know that's not at all what I mean. Anyone can see you have been doing a fine job and it would take a real nincompoop not to be so plain depressed about the way things are going in the world that they eliminate themselves. But the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of nincompoops in the world. And you know what nincompoops do when we do all this stuff we do so well?'

"The other devils had several suggestions but the head devil just kept shakin' his head. 'What do they do if they work a hard dirty job with low pay, plenty of danger, something like mining or herding cattle or working in cotton mills or farming? What do the damned fools do to keep going?'

" 'Get drunk? Take drugs?' asked one devil.

" 'That too, but what else?' the Chairdevil asked.

"After a long stupefied silence, he told them.

" 'They sing,' the Chairdevil said. 'Remember we're talking nincompoops here. How about parents kept up all night by a puling squawling shitting peeing slobbery useless baby? What do they do when the kid's howling wakes them up again?'

" 'Beat it to death?' one of the devils asked.

" 'Beat each other to death?' Root asked.

" 'No, the biggest one beats the smallest one to death unless the smallest one has a butcher knife or a gun,' a colleague told him.

" 'I know!' the youngest devil said. 'The big one beats the little one to death and then beats the baby to death.'

"The Chairdevil shook his head sadly. 'No such luck. They sing.'

" 'Sing?' the devil committee cried all together as if they'd stuck each other with pitchforks.

" 'Ever hear of lullabies?' asked the Chairdevil. 'It's been the same every time we've got them right where we want them. Put them on death row for stabbing some uppity truelove who isn't so true after all and they sing. Shanghai them out to sea and they sing. Put them on a chain gang busting rocks and they sing. Send them off to war and one side sings one kinda songs, the other side sings another, and all the blasted pacifists sing another, and a lot of the time they all use the same tune! We haven't come up with a single scenario yet, no matter how miserable, unfair, heart or backbreaking that some damn fool doesn't make up a song about it or remember an old one that hasn't even ever been played on the radio.'

" 'That's disgusting,' said a she-devil with a delicate shudder.

" 'That's insulting,' said another.

" 'Perverted, I'd call it,' the one sitting next to him said.

" 'Wait up a minute, something's not right here,' said another one finally. This one was the one in charge of drink and drugs and general debauchery. 'I get down there quite a bit, and lately I can't say I've noticed anything like what you're talking about. Mostly people don't sing much anymore. It's a specialty, like everything else. People sing on the radio, and in concerts, and on television, and sometimes at the movies, but they don't sing at work unless their work is singing.'

" 'Exactly,' said the Chairdevil. 'That's exactly what they do. If they were all still singing the way everybody used to, do you think we'd be able to have ourselves a meeting like this? Or make ourselves not only nuclear bombs so that they can blow each other up but reactors so they can get blown up right there in their own neighborhoods? All our really good stuff has come up since they gave up singing on their own and started hiring somebody else to do it for them. But the point is, the damn fools still haven't pushed the button, nobody big has invaded, raped, and pillaged anybody else big for a long time now.'

"Now all the devils exchanged knowing looks. They knew he had finally gotten at what was really bothering him. The shows the musicians gave were getting in the way of the really big show he was always longing to see.

"He went on. 'Those songs aren't as strong as they used to be—fortunately, people have progressed nowadays to the point where they'd much rather work for a company that dumps crap into a river than work for free to clean it up. Practical people know that it is more realistic to have their foot on somebody else's neck than to lend a hand, which would probably be bitten by other, equally practical and realistic people.

" 'But that's beside the point. Even though those songs don't get sung as often and by as many as used to sing them, the ones we've had to put up with for all these millennia are still polluting our atmosphere, destroying the ambience we work so hard to create. Furthermore, these hired singers are making up new songs all the time. Despite the example Our Boys made of Victor Jarra in Chile and of Sam Hawthorne and his ilk during the McCarthy era, more and more misguided fools want to sing that wretched kind of song than are able to make a living at it. They have to go. The songs have to go.'

" 'Just a minute, Chairdevil,' said the Debauchery Devil. 'Some of those singers are my best people.'

" 'Fine. Then they'll be reunited with you real soon.'

"And the devils all took a vote and everybody but the Debauchery Devil raised their hands and then finally the Debauchery Devil's hand went up too."

 

* * *

 

"What happened then?" asked the boy cautiously.

Though what the woman had been saying was funny, she didn't look or sound funny now. Her eyes had a far-off expression, like his mother's when she was thinking about flying to the coast for a merger. Her voice didn't sound sweet anymore and as much as he'd mistrusted that, he preferred it to the one she was using. It made him think of something baked so hard it got little cracks all over it, like Oklahoma on the Geographic Special.

"Well," she said, taking a deep breath and looking away from them for a moment to look at her hands. Her hands were small, wrinkled around the knuckles, veined on the backs, and still looked as if they could make kites, cut out paper dolls, or pour drinks, which was what they'd been doing most of their life, though the boy had no way of knowing that.

 

* * *

 

"Well, the devils wanted to dive right in and start after the singers of those songs but the Chairdevil held up his hand for silence.

" 'Can't do it,' he told them.

" 'Why not?' they wanted to know.

" 'Cause it won't work, not that way. Didn't I just tell you what happens when we attack them directly? You have to understand that these are not reasonable people we're dealing with here. They're as crazy about martyrs as your average religious fanatic. Attacking them directly only encourages them. Besides, the songs protect them.'

" 'You mean there's spells in the songs?' S&I asked.

" 'Hell, yes, there's spells in them,' the Chairdevil hollered back, temporarily blowing the cool-and-in-control impression he was trying to create. The Stupidity and Ignorance Devil had that effect on everybody sometimes. 'What do you think I've been telling you? Why do you think they're so dangerous? They are spells, charms, and a do-gooder conspiracy so old—well, not as old as we are, but old enough—so old that hardly any of the singers know what they're about anymore. Not all of them are important, of course. But all of these people seem to sing at least some of the dangerous ones along with the others. Naturally, the singers we most urgently need to eliminate are the ones that know the most powerful songs, which will free us to pick off the others at our leisure. But those who know the spelled ones are difficult for us to cope with, personally. So we'll have to be careful about this and use minions. Our best people.'

" 'Demons?' one asked.

" 'Terrorists?' asked another.

" 'I got it! Generals!' said another. 'Or is it mass murderers or banshees or ghouls we need here? Monsters maybe.'

" 'Shoot,' said the Chairdevil. 'We'll need all of that kind of thing before we're done. And worse.' "

 

* * *

 

"Worse?" the little boy interrupted the story to ask. "What could be worse than mass murderers and monsters?"

"And demons," his sister reminded him.

The storyteller lowered her voice and leaned forward as she told him. "Why, they called out the worst forces all their hells had to offer, honey: bureaucrats. Bureaucrats and politicians."

And with that the recess bell rang and the woman smoothed her short skirt around her fine legs with her old hands and left them to go to class.

 

* * *

 

She was back the next day though, in the same place, the place the boy's eyes had gone to as soon as the teacher let them out the door. It was sort of in the shadows. She was so small she could easily be mistaken for one of the children from a distance. They hunkered around her as if they were playing marbles. It was nice to have an adult, even a small, old, strange one, talk to them. The mother of the boy and girl didn't have much time anymore and the housekeeper only spoke Cambodian. Their father had left a long time ago. Some of the other children wished their fathers had left too. They came to school sleepless from listening to fights all night or with bruises peeking out from under their sleeves or on their stomachs when their shirts rode up during playtime.

The woman didn’t wait for them to be quiet. She just started right in and they had to shut up if they wanted to hear the story.

She took up exactly where she left off. "Since the devils decided to use such a fearsome sort of army as bureaucrats and politicians, they thought it would be best to start trouble in one area and then gradually expand it until songs were gone all over the world. They decided to start with these here United States of America and with Canada, settin' up trouble between the two of them, which was not all that hard to do."

Jennifer Thomsen raised her hand. "What about Mexico? Mexico is on our other border," Jennifer said. She was just showing off for the woman how good she was in geography.

"That's a real good question, honey. But you're a little smarter than those devils were. Those devils figured since nobody sung songs in English down there in Mexico, they could deal with Mexican singers and Central and South American singers later. Besides, the Latin American devils had a lot going on already and were wiping out singers right and left. What with all the coups and revolutions down there, everybody with any brains whatsoever, including singers, tended to get wiped just for the fun of it. But I'm glad you brought that up, because I'm going to start by telling you a story that takes place around the Mexican border. It's about a cowboy. You kids like cowboy stories?"

They said they did, though the boy wasn't really sure what a cowboy was. Maybe it was like the picture in the old book of the Minotaur. A cow on the top and a boy on the bottom. Maybe he'd seen one on PBS sometime, on a special about zoological curiosities, but right now he was indignant. He had been promised something else. "You said you 'd tell us about the bureaucrats and politicians."

"And businesspersons," his sister, who wanted to be just like her mother when she grew up, prompted eagerly. "Oh, please, I want there to be businesspersons making shrewd deals and finding wonderful tax loopholes and all . . ."

The woman chuckled. Times had changed some since she'd started this line of work. But if she was going to accomplish her mission, she couldn't start in preaching right away about what she thought her audience needed to hear. She needed to please them first, tie in their interests with what she knew was good for 'em. "Okay, sis, you got it. Plenty of heroic businesspersons, though I'm warning you, this is a real story and they don't always win."

The girl nodded gravely and the other children wriggled with anticipation. If the good guys didn't always win that just added to the excitement.

"Don't leave out the bureaucrats," the boy reminded her.

"No sweat, buster. Cowboys and bureaucrats, politicians and businesspersons it is. Now, I want you to remember that devils are a lot older than you or even me, and they carry grudges a long, long time. The reason the head devil knew so much about using politicians to get at the songs was he'd tried it once before, when he used a tin-eared politician to invoke an evil spell upon the land called a blacklist. He destroyed many singers then, turning them one against the other for reasons that had nothing to do with music, silencing some forever, causing some to all but die of despair. Until only a very few, including the great Sam Hawthorne, who you’ll hear about a little later, were able to withstand his power."

"Wait, "said the boy. "If this blacklist was an evil spell, how could that Hawthorne guy have beat it? Was he a devil too?"

"Depends on who was telling it, kiddo. But no, that wasn't why. Hawthorne was young and strong then and very smart and very dedicated. And then of course there was his magic banjo, but I'm not going to say another word about that right now. Bureaucrats and businesspersons you wanted and bureaucrats and businesspersons is what you're gonna get."