Mia felt the warmth of the sun on her cheek, heard a pleasing watery glug in the distance, smelt salt carried to her on the breeze. She opened her eyes a fraction and a spectrum of colour danced at the edges of her lashes. She raised a hand to shade the sunlight from her eyes, blinking as the world came into focus. Blue sky. Sea. An empty horizon. Red slabs of rock.
She had slept on the rocks.
With Finn.
She inched her head to the side, feeling a new stiffness in the muscles of her neck. Finn lay next to her folded into his sleeping bag, one arm flung out to the side. His lips were parted and his breathing was slow and shallow. The low sun illuminated the clear pores across his nose and the stubble grazing his jaw, which was light brown with a hint of amber nearest his lips.
She was jolted by a sudden memory: his lips on the inside of her arm. Then came other images: her mouth covering his; the length of Finn’s back beneath her hands; a glimpse of his tongue as he ran it over her nipples; her teeth against the soft flesh of his shoulder.
She slithered from the sleeping bag, naked. The air was cool. Swiftly but quietly she slipped on her underwear and pulled her dress over her head, not minding that it was inside out. As she bent to grab her flip-flops, her foot clipped the empty bottle of rum. She froze. It bounced and clattered over the rocks, eventually coming to rest in a crevice, unbroken.
Finn shifted. He rolled onto his back and hooked an arm in front of his face but didn’t wake. She studied him for a moment and then she turned and picked a pathway over the rocks with her flip-flops held out at her side. She jumped down onto the hard-packed sand and began to jog. Her head pounded but she pushed herself on, trying to shake off the deep uneasiness spreading through her stomach.
She veered into the shallows, water spraying her bare legs and soaking the back of her dress. She was running hard and it felt as though her head might explode from the pain. She curved away from the shore, picking a sandy path that wove over the heath towards the town.
The scrub was sharp against her feet, forcing her to put on her flip-flops. As she straightened, she glanced back to the rocks and saw that Finn’s sleeping form was only a speck against the empty landscape. It was wrong to have left him; he would worry when he woke and found her missing, but how could she stay?
She recalled their night, the firm contours of rock pressing into her back, her words loosening and pouring out. Finn listened so closely that all she could hear was her own voice and the waves. Then he had told her, ‘Mia, when I walk into a room, it’s always you I see first.’
Not Katie. But her.
The urge to kiss him and be loved was irresistible. She thought of how his hands moved lightly over her body, committing every part of her to memory as if she was a mirage that might disappear. There was such tenderness in his kisses that it made Mia realize she was what Finn had always wanted.
But was he what she wanted?
She stalked through the heath until the sun rose above the tops of the trees; a red blister formed between her toes. The path eventually brought her towards the edge of town and she followed the road into the centre where people were opening shop fronts and putting out chairs. She wanted to go back to the hostel and sleep, but knew Finn would be back soon. They were flying to New Zealand later and she needed time to think.
A sign for an Internet café caught her attention and she went in, desperate only to sit and rest out of the sun. It was an odd place filled with pellucid light, flickering screens and the dull smell of warm electrical appliances. Grey noticeboards stretched around the rectangular room with price lists and Internet instructions typed on yellowing sheets of paper. Even though it was early, she counted a dozen people with their faces focused on screens, fingers swimming over keyboards.
She fished in her pocket and found enough coins to buy her ten minutes of Internet time and an espresso from a coffee machine. She sat at an empty booth, logged on and opened up her email account. Fifty-two new messages swamped her inbox. She scanned them disinterestedly, most of them forwards or group emails. She’d half hoped there might be a message from Katie and was disappointed to see nothing from her. She clicked ‘All’ and then hit ‘Delete’. In the fraction of a second before the emails disappeared, she caught sight of a name: ‘Noah’.
Had he emailed her? How could he when she hadn’t given him her address? Her heart began to race. There must be a way to retrieve it. She tried to remember the command for undoing an action – something to do with pressing ‘Control’ and another key. She stabbed at the keyboard, trying various combinations, but the screen didn’t change.
‘Excuse me,’ she said, interrupting a teenage boy in the booth next to her. He leant back in his chair and lifted one side of his headphones. ‘I just deleted an email that I really need. Is there a way to retrieve it?’
‘Maybe the “Deleted” folder?’ he said with an arched eyebrow. Then he let the headphone snap back into place and returned to his task.
‘Arsehole,’ she muttered.
She glanced at the screen again and noticed a series of folders: ‘Inbox’, ‘Sent’, ‘Drafts’, ‘Deleted’.
‘Deleted’! She clicked the folder and all 52 messages spilt across her screen in bold type. She scrolled down until she found the one from Noah. The subject header was empty and she held her breath as the email opened.
Mia, I got your email address from Zani. Sorry I never got a chance to let you know we were heading on to Bali. I feel bad about that. It was a last-minute decision, as I guess Finn said. The hostel we’re staying at is a hole, but it’s only a couple of minutes from the Nyang break. The forecast is looking good – swell arrives in two days. If Bali’s on your route, let me know. I think you’d love the island. Noah.
He was in Bali.
She scanned the message again and then her gaze locked on one sentence: ‘It was a last-minute decision, as I guess Finn said.’
She read it twice more to be sure.
Finn had known where Noah was.
She swallowed the espresso, then rose from her chair and left the Internet café, the message still flickering on the screen.
*
Mia pushed the door open with the palm of her hand. The dorm was hot and airless, empty of people. Her sleeping bag had been rolled up neatly and propped beside her backpack. She gathered up her towel and the bikini that she’d left drying on the back of the door, and stuffed everything in her backpack, buckling it shut.
She found Finn in the communal kitchen. He juggled a toasted sandwich between his fingers before dropping it onto a plate, then took a knife and cut it down the middle, melted cheese dripping from the divide.
His whole face brightened the moment he saw her. ‘Where’ve you been?’
‘Walking.’
‘Want half?’ he said, lifting the plate.
She shook her head. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Sure.’
They returned to the dorm and Mia closed the door behind them. Finn sat on the edge of his bunk bed, his head bent forwards. He bit into the toastie with a satisfying crunch. A piece of tomato fell onto the plate, the red skin peeling away from the flesh. He picked it up between his fingers and dropped it into his mouth. ‘You know your dress is inside out?’ He grinned, but there was a nervous energy about him.
Mia stood opposite, pressed flat to the wall. ‘Did Noah tell you he was going to Bali?’
Finn stopped chewing. His foot began to jig, causing his flip-flop to lightly slap against his heel. He swallowed his mouthful, then said, ‘I saw him the morning he left. You were swimming.’
‘What did he say?’
‘That he was flying to Bali with the others. There was a good forecast. He said to let you know.’
Her pitch rose to a slap: ‘Then why the fuck didn’t you?’
Finn pushed his plate aside. ‘Because I knew how much it’d hurt you.’ He shook his head and said gently, ‘Mia, he didn’t come looking for you. I happened to be in the kitchen just as he was leaving. I asked where he was going, so he told me.’
‘But you never told me.’
‘No.’
‘I’ve been going out of my mind, Finn.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Her hands were trembling. ‘I can’t believe you lied to me.’
He stood up and moved towards her. ‘Mia, it was too easy for him to leave.’
‘And too easy for you to step into his place.’
He looked aghast.
‘What a perfect opportunity – Mia gets wasted as usual, and Finn offers a shoulder to cry on.’
‘How can you even suggest—’
The door to their dorm opened and a young European couple entered. They said hello and unhooked their bags, somehow oblivious to the tension that filled the dorm.
‘Let’s go outside,’ Finn said.
They moved past a group of girls sunbathing on the scorched grass, and walked to the fence line, which was partially shaded by karri trees. Finn placed his hands behind his neck, locking his fingers. ‘What you just said, Mia, is wrong. Totally wrong. I would never take advantage of you.’
One of the sunbathers raised her head and peered over the top of her sunglasses. Finn lowered his voice. ‘Shit, Mia, you’re treating me like I’m some arsehole who’s used you. What happened last night wasn’t premeditated, you know that.’
She didn’t answer. She felt the sun beating down on the crown of her head, her scalp prickling beneath its dry heat. She hadn’t drunk any water and now her hangover was taking full hold.
‘I’m sorry for not passing on Noah’s message. We’ve always been honest with each other, so I regret that, I really do. But last night had nothing to do with Noah.’ He dropped his hands to his sides. ‘Last night was about how I feel about you. Travelling together has made me realize exactly how much I care about you, Mia.’
‘Don’t do this, Finn.’
‘You wanted honesty, so here it is – I’m in love with you.’
‘No,’ she said, shaking her head, wanting to put her hands over her ears to block out the words. Her heart was hammering against her chest and she felt the espresso acrid in her stomach.
‘I’m in love with you,’ he said again, his face open and earnest. ‘I have been for a long time.’
She looked away. It was the truth, but she couldn’t bear to hear it because it changed everything.
‘I know this is a lot for you, Mia. It scares the shit out of me, too. I hate that it could put our friendship at risk, but it’s how I feel and I can’t do anything about it. Last night—’
‘—was a mistake!’
His eyes widened.
‘You lied about Noah. How can I trust you?’
‘You know me.’
‘I need to go,’ she said, turning.
‘Come on, don’t walk away from this.’
‘I have to.’
‘Mia!’ he called after her.
She stopped.
‘Remember, it’s two o’clock.’
She turned, looking at him blankly.
‘Our flight. New Zealand.’
Could she sit beside him for several hours as if none of this had happened? Could they arrive in a new country and travel together after all of this?
‘You’ll be there?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said honestly.
‘I’ve messed up, I know that. But you can’t bail on me. We’ve got to work things through. You wanted to see New Zealand, so let’s see it together. We have to go together.’
Her head was pounding. She needed water. Shade. Space to think.
‘I’ll be at the airport with our tickets. Two o’clock,’ he called, but Mia didn’t answer.
She returned to the dorm, collected her backpack and left the hostel, unsure where she was going.
*
Finn waited, hands slung in his pockets, his backpack propped against his legs. People streamed around him pushing luggage trolleys, pulling children by their hands and scanning departure boards with raised chins. He’d positioned himself near the central set of revolving doors, providing a sweeping view of the airport. He resisted checking his watch again. He knew it was only five minutes since the final call for their flight had been made.
He wiped the film of sweat from his forehead. ‘Come on,’ he said under his breath.
Last night was a mistake, Mia had told him earlier. But he already knew that. He knew the moment he woke alone on the rocks. He’d heard the clatter of the rum bottle as it rolled, but he’d kept his eyes closed, feigning sleep, giving Mia the option to run. He knew her better than anyone and understood that when life loomed up too close, she’d rear away. He shouldn’t have let things go so far. He’d allowed himself to believe that she’d wanted it as much as he did, but he had been wrong. Just as he’d been wrong to lie about Noah. And now she was angry and afraid, and all he could do was wait.
Just then, Mia walked through the far right entrance doors, her backpack on her shoulders, her hair scooped up high.
She glanced round, searching for him. She looked lost in the vast space of the airport. He picked up his backpack and began weaving through the crowd towards her. If they were quick, there was still time to make their flight.
She hadn’t seen him yet and began moving in the opposite direction towards a check-in desk. ‘Mia!’ he called, but she was too far away to hear.
He glanced at his watch. Four minutes. They still had four minutes.
He jogged across the airport, saying, ‘Excuse me,’ as he ducked around other travellers. Squeezing through the centre of a tour party, he saw Mia placing her backpack on the conveyor belt at the check-in desk. It didn’t make any sense: he had her ticket and she wasn’t in the correct zone for New Zealand.
As he drew nearer, he glanced up and read the screen: flight jq110. perth to denpasar.
In that moment he understood. Mia was flying to Bali to find Noah.
She was leaving him.
He watched as she took her ticket and moved towards the security-check area. The volume seemed turned up; he heard the rattle of suitcase wheels, the squeak of trainers, the crackle and boom of an announcement, the far-off beeping of an airport vehicle passing. He watched, stunned, as she handed her passport to an official, who looked at it, nodded and then directed her through.
‘Mia!’ he shouted, waving.
She turned.
A strand of her hair had come loose and fallen over her cheek. She wore the same green sundress she’d made love to him in hours before. He wondered if it still smelt like jasmine.
When she saw him her fingers fluttered close to her heart, then settled on the bangle on her other wrist.
She smiled. It was a poignant, sad smile that didn’t reach her eyes but told him that she understood the magnitude of her decision. Then he watched Mia turn away from him and leave.
He would replay that moment for years to come, blaming himself for letting her go. But on that day, he stood in the crowded airport believing it was the most painful moment of his life – with no idea that far worse was to come.