FRASER WAS GLAD when half-term came to an end and he wasn’t forced to bear the heavy atmosphere of a sulking daughter all day. He was also unbelievably buzzed to see Briana.
Because of the baby, he tried to convince himself.
But he hadn’t realised that working alongside someone who was carrying his child wasn’t easy. He tried not to panic as she was jostled by kids rushing along the busy school corridor, or to fuss when she was almost hit by an errant basketball when she crossed the outdoor court. He tried not to stare at her belly, still not able to believe this was all real.
Mostly, he reined in his desire to just spend time with her. Because he’d come to realise that spending time with Briana made him want to spend more time with her—and not in a hands-off fraternal way—and he knew if he blurred that line, they’d all get hurt in the long run.
But here they were, back in the school clinic, and his heart did its customary flip when she smiled at him. He was trying to concentrate on a pastoral care meeting about a troubled truant but all he wanted to do was gaze at the way the winter sun caught strands of copper in her otherwise blonde hair. He’d never noticed that before.
‘I’m doing a home visit after our outreach clinic,’ Bri said. ‘The mum rang saying Marco has been having stomach pains on and off for a few weeks but is refusing to go to the doctor. I’m just going to go and assess the situation. See if the abdomen pain is real or just an excuse to stay off school.’
‘I’ll come with you.’ Fraser jumped in. ‘I can expedite any referrals if necessary.’
Her eyebrows knitted. ‘I think I can handle this on my own, thanks, Dr Moore.’
He could see he’d irritated her for some reason, but he didn’t care. ‘In London, we tried not to go on home visits alone to people we hadn’t met before. Safety comes first. Always.’
Amira, the school counsellor, nodded in agreement. ‘I think that’s wise, Bri. You don’t know what you’re going to come up against these days.’
Briana visibly bristled. ‘I’m quite confident I’ll be okay. I’ve done lots of home visits with no problems.’
‘Then you can show me the ropes,’ Fraser said. ‘Introduce me to some of the local clients.’
Bri frowned at him then closed her notebook and nodded. ‘We’ll leave here at four-thirty. I’m sorry, I have to run, clinic starts in two minutes.’
Four hours later they were sitting in Bri’s car, driving back from the home visit. She hadn’t said much since the meeting and he knew it was because he’d insisted he go with her. So he started with an apology. ‘Hey, about earlier... I didn’t mean you couldn’t handle the situation. You were awesome in there.’
‘I don’t like being undermined in my job and I thought two of us going would be over the top for a stomach ache.’ She steered the car carefully along a winding country road and kept her eyes facing forward. ‘As it was, I’m glad you came. Marco really opened up to you while you played that video game.’
‘My misspent youth finally came in useful. It’s a good ploy to get kids talking without staring at them across a desk and making them feel uncomfortable. I’m glad we managed to talk about what’s really happening beyond the stomach ache excuse. Poor kid’s being bullied and is too scared to tell anyone.’
‘Hopefully, he’ll attend the meeting with the head of Year Ten and get back on track with his schoolwork. But as he’s another of Lewis Parker’s bullying victims we really need to address that.’ Bri idled the car as they waited for traffic lights to change to green. ‘I’ve already spoken to Mr Wilson about it, but we need to do some more anti-bullying workshops and specifically with young Lewis. Who knows what’s going on at home?’
Her shoulders relaxed a little and she smiled tightly. ‘How’s Lily?’
‘I would say, on balance, she’s a little brighter.’
Bri breathed out slowly and nodded. ‘Good. I thought I may have gone a bit overboard with the lecturing.’
‘I can’t imagine you lecturing anyone.’
‘It’s funny, I manage fine with the kids at school but as soon as it’s personal I get all tongue-tied and second-guess myself.’
‘Welcome to my world.’ He laughed, glad that she’d thought Lily was personal. ‘I don’t know what else you said or did, but she’s asked if some guy called Jerome can come up and stay at the weekend.’
Bri hit the steering wheel and whooped. ‘Please tell me you said yes.’
‘On condition she pays for the petrol it took to drive to London and back, doesn’t lie to me again, completes her homework on time and does her chores without being asked.’
‘You are a hard taskmaster, Fraser Moore.’
‘A pushover, more like. But she’s been so remorseful about running away, and we made a deal she has to stick to and prove she’s trying hard.’ He’d been thrilled seeing his daughter’s excited face when he’d agreed to the visit. ‘God knows what we’ll do with him for two days up here in winter—’
‘You won’t do anything except provide a free taxi service and food. Lots of food. And then support Lily when Jerome has gone back to London. She’ll either be delighted with how it went or distraught. Either way, you have to be there for her. Not to give advice, just to listen.’
‘I’m trying.’ It was all very trying, but he had to make it work.
‘The truth is, your daughter is lonely and hurting.’
‘I know. And it’s my fault for bringing her here.’ His gut tightened. ‘I’m so grateful you’re helping me.’
She threw him a scornful frown. ‘Fraser, I didn’t do this for you, I did it for me and for Lily. I want to spend time with her. I want to get to know her and have a... I don’t know, a friendship with her.’
‘Hopefully one of us will.’
‘You’re her father, not her friend. In the end, you have to be the parent and sometimes that’s hard.’ She smiled at him before looking back at the road ahead. ‘You’ve gone through some very emotional things together. She loves you, Fraser.’
‘And I love her so much I don’t know what to do with it all. So it comes across as overbearing.’
‘I hope...’ Briana put a hand on her tummy. ‘Oh, nothing.’
‘What?’
They pulled up outside her cottage. Bri switched off the engine, inhaled deeply and said on a sigh, ‘Forget I said anything, I need to shut up before I start to sound needy or something.’
‘You’re not. How are you feeling?’
‘Rough. Nauseous. Jittery. A bit sore. But it’ll pass.’
He’d been too focused on himself and Lily and mooning over Briana’s beauty instead of thinking about how she was coping. Selfish idiot. ‘What do you need, Bri? What can I do to help?’
She waved her hand at him. ‘I’ll be fine. Honestly. I’m tired and hormonal and starting to believe my own rhetoric.’
His heart hammered. ‘Come on, Bri. Please, open up and tell me what’s on your mind. We can’t do this if we’re frightened of what the other person’s going to say or how they’re going to react. It worked well for Ellen and me because we were totally honest and open. About everything.’
But, he did admit to himself, it had worked because there hadn’t been this tsunami of longing hanging over them every time they’d been together. And, he also admitted, he didn’t want Briana to be honest and open about any future relationships she may have with other guys, because he couldn’t think about her with another man.
But Briana nodded. ‘Okay. I’m worried that my child—’
‘Our child.’
She sighed. ‘Our child will be one of those sad little kids who lugs a suitcase across the country to see a parent. Half-term holidays. One weekend in four. It’ll be heartbreaking for us both. I haven’t had the baby yet, and already I can’t bear to think of being separated from it.’
‘Then we’ll have an arrangement like Ellen and I had. One week with you, one week with me.’
‘London and the Lakes? Really? What about schooling?’ Briana blinked rapidly, her hand on her chest, over her heart. ‘That’s not going to work.’
‘No. You’re right.’ If he stayed here he’d break Lily’s heart, if he moved back to London things between him and his new baby would be rocky from the start. Never mind things between him and Briana. ‘It’s difficult, I agree. I’ve made no firm decisions about moving back to London. We just need to be honest and open and clear about our expectations and intentions.’
She nodded. ‘It sounds so transactional. Like a business agreement.’
‘It has to be.’ It was the only way he was going to survive this. ‘Ellen may not have told you, but we drew up a contract just to make everything clear. That way, we both knew what was expected.’
‘It’s a baby, Fraser. Not some kind of product or a service.’
‘Do you have a better solution? Because, trust me, things could get messy further down the track when you meet someone else and you decide to get married or move away.’
She shook her head quickly. ‘I won’t.’
‘How do you know? We can’t see into the future. We can’t make those sorts of promises. You might meet someone and fall in love and move across the world, not just the country. Or I might. And then what will happen to access and custody? We have to protect ourselves. And our child.’ His heart squeezed at the thought of that tiny thing growing inside Briana, and her possessive protection of it, and simultaneously seized at the thought of her having a future that didn’t include him. ‘We have to have things in writing. I can’t promise it’s going to be easy, but I do promise I will help in every way I can and that you can always talk to me.’
She nodded. ‘You should know I’m not always going to agree with the things you do or say when it comes to raising our child.’
‘I have no doubt we’ll have a lot to work out and I’ll be there every step of the way.’ He thought for a moment and realised he was looking forward to sparring with her even if, somehow, he’d have to work out a way of existing and not wanting to touch her or kiss her.
She finally smiled. ‘In which case, we need to think of some names. That’s the fun part, right? Hell knows, I could do with some fun right now. Any ideas?’
She casually put her hand over his and he felt the rush of heat that happened every time he touched her. She blinked up at him through thick, dark lashes and he saw the bloom of pink on her cheeks. The last time he’d seen that she’d been coming down from an orgasmic high he’d given her. And, man, he really needed to kiss her. That would at least expunge this ache that never seemed to dim no matter what he said or did. And, at the same time, cause a whole lot more problems. But they were already so deep in complications he didn’t think a few more would make much of a difference.
No.
He wouldn’t initiate anything. But the longer they sat looking at each other the more the tension ratcheted up. Kiss or not kiss? Speak or not speak? Truth or denial?
Just to break the silence he said, ‘Josie for a girl. After my mum. Vincent for a boy. Or Pep. I like Pep.’
‘Pep? Vincent?’ She looked confused. ‘Unusual names.’
‘Not if you’re a football fan.’
Her eyes widened in horror. ‘I am not naming my son after a football player.’
‘You would if you knew how brilliant they are. Imagine the kudos of being named after the captain of the best football team in the entire world.’
‘Vincent is kind of growing on me.’ She smiled, but she didn’t move her hand. ‘How about Adele for a girl?’
‘After the singer?’ He shook his head. ‘In that case, what about Lady Gaga? Or Madonna?’
‘Maybe we could go for something a little less...unique?’ She laughed, then she looked at him and her expression softened and she stopped laughing and bit her lip.
His eyes were drawn to her mouth, but he forced his gaze back to her eyes. There was so much emotion in there...he could see the simmering attraction, the confusion, and the struggle. Mostly, he could see the heat he knew was mirrored in his face.
If they had been two normal people about to get things on, it would have been the perfect time to lean in and kiss her, but because their situation was far from normal he swallowed and exhaled.
But it didn’t have the required effect of switching off his libido. Or his feelings. Because thinking up baby names conjured up happy families and they weren’t going to do that.
Even though he wanted to.
Yes. He wanted to. He wanted her. Despite all the problems that would entail. Despite the fact she didn’t want to. Despite that committing to something scared the heck out of him. He wanted Briana in his life in a more committed way than co-parenting.
Which made him more of an idiot than he’d realised.
He was going crazy.
‘Are we having fun yet?’ His voice was all gravel and growl.
Her eyes misted. ‘Getting closer.’
I wish. That thought rattled him. No matter how much he tried to keep away from her, he just couldn’t. ‘Briana, what do you want from me?’
‘I told you. I want you to care for and about our child.’
‘But this?’ He looked down at their hands. Somehow they’d gone from her palm covering his hand to intertwined fingers. Her thumb ran gentle circles over his skin. ‘What about this?’
She quickly slid her hand away and held it against her chest. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Me neither.’
‘I should go.’ She shook her head, turned to get out of the car again, but he put his hand on her shoulder. ‘Don’t run away, Bri. It’s all still going to be there even if you pretend it isn’t. We have to talk about it.’
‘Do we?’ Her voice was raw with emotion. ‘Can’t we just hope it all just goes away?’
‘You ever get tired of doing that?’
She glanced back at him, her expression telling him to back right off, so there was no reason for him to stroke her arm and coax her back. But he did.
Her expression also told him she was as rattled as he was about the potent connection between them that had him searching her out, aching to see her, wanting to kiss her.
He nodded as she turned back to him. She was staying, at least for now. He took her hand again. ‘This is some kind of intense stuff, right?’
‘It’s ridiculous, to be honest. I can’t believe I’m even acting like this.’ She breathed out heavily and sat back in her seat. For a moment he thought she was going to change the subject, but she eventually nodded as if she’d come to a decision. ‘Thing is, Fraser... I’m so confused. I swore I wouldn’t ever fall for someone else and yet here I am, sitting in my car on a freezing winter’s night, wanting you like I’ve never wanted anyone before. I don’t need a man in my life. I don’t want to feel less than...worthy all over again, not when I’ve finally clawed some self-respect back.’
He wondered why she’d decided to be so honest with him when she’d been reticent before, and hoped it was because she was starting to trust him. He tilted her chin so he could meet her gaze. ‘You are worth so much.’
‘I don’t want anyone to have a hold over me, but the moment I see you I feel...captured. But not in a bad way, well...not much.’ She laughed shyly as her hand fluttered across her face. ‘I’m not making sense.’
She didn’t want a relationship but she wanted him. His heart thudded a weird rhythm against his chest wall. ‘There’s a lot of stuff going on here...like this baby, like Ellen and Lily and our past. Your reluctance to trust, me not knowing how to navigate any of this and doing everything badly. But cut through all that and, well... I like you, Bri. I have no idea what the hell is going to happen between us and I’m probably going to regret saying this, because I know you’re just going to walk away, but... I want you. That’s the easiest part of it.’
‘Is it?’
‘You want to see?’
‘I...’ She tilted her head towards him, and he saw the need in her eyes, the tremble in her hands. ‘Yes.’
He slipped his fingers into her silk-soft hair, then his mouth covered hers. He felt her initial uncertainty, then heard a guttural mewl of pleasure as she opened her mouth and it almost broke him.
The kiss started out gently, but she pulled him closer, angling her head and slipping her tongue into his mouth on a moan.
As the kiss deepened, he felt the kick in his gut and the tightening of his skin. Desire wound through him along with the sense that he’d both come home and yet was exploring an exotic foreign place. A need to commit every nuance, every taste, every sensation to memory because he didn’t know if he’d ever get the chance to return.
Then he didn’t think at all, just learned her again, getting lost in her taste and her moans and the caress of her skin against his. He wanted to drown in her. To anchor himself to her. Their gasps became frenzied. She grasped his face, kissing him hard and deep.
But when he tried to pull her over the gearstick she laughed and pulled away. ‘Whoa.’
Her whole body was shaking and he ran his hands down her arms to steady her...or steady himself, he wasn’t sure which. She bit her bottom lip and rested her forehead against his. ‘We probably shouldn’t have done that,’ she said, breathless and wide-eyed.
‘I can’t get enough of you, Bri.’ It was his truth and he knew it might scare her away, but he couldn’t live without saying it, or without her knowing it. What she would do with that knowledge he didn’t dare think about.
Her palms were on his chest as if she wanted to push him away but couldn’t summon the strength to do it. Her eyes were still slick with desire, but her words were fierce. ‘Now, yes. But what about in a year? Or three? I don’t want to bring a baby into a minefield that’s going to blow up any time. It’s going to be difficult enough with shared parenting in two different houses.’
‘So move in with us.’
‘What? You’re definitely staying here, then?’ She looked almost as surprised as he felt after the words had tumbled out. But he couldn’t take them back. And, just as suddenly, the image of her all beautiful and pregnant and in his bed loomed into his head. Then a picture of a happy family...but she didn’t want that. It was clear from her face. So why he kept on talking, he didn’t know. Why they’d kissed, he didn’t know...not any more. She’d been right. It just caused a lot more problems.
But, man, it had been one stellar kiss.
Was he going to stay here? ‘It’s a big house. We have space. A room for you, and another one we could turn into a nursery.’
Her expression softened but she kept on shaking her head. ‘No. No way. I’m fine in my cottage. I have room for a little one. I’m going to change my study into a nursery.’
He felt himself free-falling from the passionate high to a slump of reality and he should have been glad she didn’t want anything material from him, but a heavy weight settled in his chest. ‘You seem to have it all planned out.’
‘Not totally, but I’ve been looking online at babies’ bedrooms and I’m getting some ideas.’
‘Well, the offer is there. If you need help moving furniture or decorating, let me know. I’m a dab hand with a paintbrush.’
Bri rubbed the back of her neck and grimaced. ‘I wish Ellen was here. She’d nudge me and tell me to pull my head in and take you up on the offer.’
‘I wasn’t suggesting you move in...with me. Like a relationship. Just that it would be more convenient.’ Sheesh, he was making things worse, pedalling backwards from his off-the-cuff comment.
‘Don’t panic.’ She patted his arm. ‘But—and I mean this totally sincerely—I don’t think Lily would cope with me being around twenty-four seven. I think she sees me as interfering. I’m expecting her to say something along the lines of, “You’re not my mum, you can’t tell me what to do.”’
‘She misses her mum. More than she lets on.’
Bri smiled sadly. ‘I miss her too.’
‘So do I.’
He knew Ellen would have encouraged him to have a relationship with Briana. ‘Life’s too short,’ she’d said in her more lucid moments. ‘Promise me you’ll find someone and make a life. A proper life with a proper partner and lots of babies. Lily shouldn’t be an only child like you were. She needs to learn how to share.’
And, contrary to all he’d agreed, Lily hadn’t shared him with anyone ever since. But now...? He had no choice but to share his life with this new baby, if not with Briana. ‘I’ve been showing her old photographs again and we’ve been talking a lot about what Ellen was like before she got sick.’
‘What does she remember?’
‘Snapshots really—her sense of humour, her restless energy before the headaches started. We thought it was migraines, you remember? Then she was diagnosed with depression. She changed so much in a year. Lily tried to understand, she really did. But when you’re a child, how can you be expected to understand or make allowances for the strange behaviour of the people who are supposed to protect you?
‘Ellen became...unpredictable. Up one day, dancing and singing, and down the next, refusing to get out of bed. That’s not good for a kid, they thrive on routine and predictability. As a result, Lily doesn’t trust people easily, expecting them to change their minds or be different tomorrow. So I’m glad she listened to you about inviting Jerome up. You’re good for her.’
Her eyes brightened. ‘I hope so. I wish I’d known how bad it was getting for you.’
‘I wish I’d told you.’ He wished they could get through an afternoon together without wanting to rip each other’s clothes off. He wished they didn’t use Lily as an excuse. He wished they weren’t both so stupidly scared of taking a risk and seeing where this attraction might take them.
He opened the car door and climbed out into the cold night. ‘So many wishes, Bri, and none of them are going to change a single thing.’