WINTER HAD SLIPPED into a warm spring, and today was one of those bright sunshiny days that made your heart smile.
At least, there were plenty of smiles to go around here at the wedding reception, so Fraser imagined no one cared that the upturned curl on his mouth was fake. He was happy for Joe and Rose, of course. They were a special couple and their love and happiness was evident, touching everyone in the room.
Except him. He just felt hollow.
The speeches were finished and the tables cleared away. The happy couple was stepping off the dance floor to a round of applause after their first dance.
Which meant, if he was strategic, he could now slink away and no one would notice.
‘Dad, can you at least look like you’re enjoying yourself?’ Lily nudged him. She looked adorable in a silver summer dress she’d ordered online. Probably trying to make herself look older, but all it did was accentuate her youth. She’d dropped the heavy make-up and was smiling real smiles a lot more. She fitted in well here with all these grinning guests. ‘It’s supposed to be a happy occasion. Duh?’
‘Sorry.’ He looked into his empty beer glass. ‘I was miles away. I have one of those faces that always looks miserable when I’m thinking.’
He’d been watching Briana across the room, laughing and chatting with Beth. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun with curls springing loose, framing her face. The blue silk dress was a perfect choice, tight fitting at the bust and flared around her hips. No one would have known she was pregnant.
But he did. He knew her. Knew her. Knew she wasn’t happy. That she was living with her choice, but it hadn’t brought her whatever it was she’d been hoping for. Not that that knowledge made him feel any better. He was living with her choice too.
Lily groaned. ‘The resting bitch face excuse doesn’t wash with me, Dad. Go ask her to dance.’
‘Er...who?’ He feigned nonchalance, even though his heart flared at the thought of her.
‘You know who. Briana.’ His daughter’s elbow pressed into his ribs again. ‘Go and dance with her.’
‘Why?’
‘Because she’s standing on her own.’
Beth had just joined Alex on the dance floor and was beckoning to Briana to come too. She was shaking her head.
A glance towards him. A look away. A glance back.
He held her gaze as fire ignited inside him. He was angry she’d pushed him away and raging at himself for allowing himself to get into that situation in the first place. He should have resisted. Fought back. But it didn’t matter, the love was ever present, a light always there, for her.
He forced himself to look back at Lily. ‘I was thinking about going home.’
Lily glowered at him. ‘Don’t you dare. You’re staying here and you’re going to have fun.’
He remembered saying those words to Lily a few weeks ago. Oh, boy, had the tables turned.
‘What’s happened between you two? One minute you’re all loved up and next minute you don’t want to be in the same room together.’ Lily did her exasperated eye-roll. ‘This is so not going to work when she’s had the baby.’
He rubbed his forehead. ‘We decided not to pursue a relationship. That’s okay. That’s what happens, right?’
‘With Mum, yes. But Briana’s different. You’re different with her. And a lot worse without her.’
‘Gee, thanks. But the truth is she doesn’t want me around.’ He wasn’t stupid or a glutton for punishment, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to beg.
Lily grinned. ‘Could have fooled me.’
‘Why?’
‘Woman’s intuition. Also known as...she keeps looking over.’ Lily’s eyes settled on Briana. ‘She looks sad. Lonely. Even with all those people around her.’
‘I know.’ His battered heart ached for her.
Lily turned to him, excitement in her eyes. ‘So, do something about it. That baby is part of our lives and you’re going to see Briana a lot. Are you going to spend the next eighteen years of your life being this grumpy?’
He slumped back in his chair. ‘Probably.’
‘Ask her out.’
‘What?’ Was this really his daughter talking?
‘Oh, God.’ She framed her face with her fingers and shook her head in frustration. ‘Please, don’t tell me I have to give you dating tips, too.’
‘I think I can manage. If I ever decide to date again, which is unlikely.’ Root canals had better outcomes.
‘Decide now.’ Lily groaned. ‘You’re both unhappy. You both like each other. What’s the problem?’
‘Why this sudden interest in my non-existent love life?’
‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. You’ve spent a long time looking after me and now I’m going to look out for you. Especially as you’re slipping into old age.’ She winked. And giggled. ‘Actually, I just remembered you do that weird dad dancing thing. That won’t impress her. Go talk to her instead.’
She made it sound so easy. To a fifteen-year-old, it probably was. He put his arm round her and squished her close. ‘Ah, Lily-Bee, I love you so much and I know you’re only trying to help, but sometimes...’ He sighed. ‘Sometimes in life you have to admit defeat.’ How many times did he need to admit his feelings to Briana and keep getting the same answer back? She didn’t want him. She didn’t want him. She didn’t want him.
‘Nothing I can do or say is going to change her mind and I wouldn’t want to back her into a corner. That’s not the kind of relationship I want. She has to want to be with me. She’s an independent woman who makes her own choices and decisions. I have to honour them whether I like them or not. But, for the record, I don’t like it. Not at all.’
And now he had to watch from the sidelines. He caught sight of her bump again as she twirled round, now on the dance floor, and his heart just about shattered all over again.
Whatever happened, he’d be fully involved in their child’s life. He’d managed it with Lily and he’d manage it again. He’d be there for the first teeth, the first words, the first steps, only not in the way he’d hoped he could be. And perhaps he’d learn to quietly love Briana from a distance. Instead of this burning love close up.
‘I think I’ll head off. Are you okay to come home with Beth and Alex?’
‘Of course.’ Lily squeezed his arm. ‘I wish I could make things better for you, Dad.’
He smiled. At least this part of his life was improving day by day. ‘By saying that, Lily-Bee, you just made everything a whole lot better.’
Briana’s heart sank as she looked over to where Fraser had been standing. He wasn’t there any more. She scanned the dance floor. He wasn’t there either. Or at the bar.
Maybe the toilet?
She watched as different people entered and exited. No. He’d disappeared.
He’d gone.
It’s okay.
It wasn’t okay. She wasn’t okay. Her mouth hurt from the fake smile she’d worn all day. Her heart hurt.
She missed him. There hadn’t been a moment since that day in the car park when she’d been relieved about putting a stop to things. She’d been trying to convince herself it was for the best, but her best since then had been the absolutely bloody awful worst.
Working with him was torture. That tiny little clinic area meant they had to negotiate their space and she’d barricaded him out with excuses. But she still breathed him in. Still ached for him. It physically hurt to see him. An awkward tension hung between them.
She’d thought she’d try to break the ice tonight. Somehow. Just try to be a friend at least. But she’d missed her chance. He’d gone. And it would never be the same anyway, not when she wanted to be with him.
She hurt all over again.
‘Hey.’ Lily came over and gave her a hug.
With a lump in her throat Briana wrapped her arms round her beautiful goddaughter. At least she had this gift in her life. ‘You look lovely, Lily.’
‘Thanks. So do you.’ Lily smiled as she sat down at one of the huge round tables awash with crocheted wedding favours that Rose and Katy had made. ‘That colour’s nice on you and your bump is starting to show.’
Briana looked down and flattened the silk over her belly. Panic and wonder mixed inside her. ‘Is it?’
‘Only when you turn sideways. No one else would probably notice. But they will soon.’
‘You okay with that?’ Bri sat down next to her, hoping her baby’s half-sister would grow to love this child.
A little shrug. ‘I think so. Yes.’
‘It’s early days and a bit fresh for all of us. We’ve got a few more months to get used to the idea. But...if you ever want to come to a scan or anything let me know. Meet this little one before they’re even born. Pretty cool, right?’
‘A scan? Baby scan?’ She looked horrified and delighted at the same time. ‘I’ve seen them on the TV. You hear their heartbeat and see them, like, fully formed.’
‘Yes. But no pressure.’ And just to remove any pressure Bri changed the subject. ‘That’s a nice necklace.’
Lily fingered the little heart pendant at her neck. ‘Jerome gave it to me.’
‘Oh, the sweetheart. He has excellent taste.’ At least one of them was having love-life success. ‘Is he coming up again soon?’
‘No.’ The girl sat up straight. Businesslike. Growing up. ‘Actually, we’ve broken up.’
‘Oh, dear.’ Fraser must have had a hard time navigating this. ‘Are you okay about it?’
Lily nodded. She seemed perfectly fine about a break-up. Unlike Briana. ‘It was my idea. I don’t have time for anything long distance at the moment. Not with the play and everything.’
A break-up had been Briana’s idea too but why? Why, when it made her feel like this? She was exhausted and she knew it wasn’t just because of the baby. Grief made her weary. She had no energy, no enthusiasm. She just simply missed him. Her life had been so much better when he’d been in it.
She brought herself back to Lily. ‘Ah, yes. The play.’ Lily had been given a starring role in the school production. ‘It must take up a lot of your time. Good call on the Jerome situation.’
‘It was his idea I audition for it.’
‘Do you miss him?’
As if you have part of you that’s been cut off? Do you dream about him? Ache for him? Ache for what you could have had?
‘Not really. It was one of those things that fizzles out. Plenty more fish in the sea.’ Lily grinned slyly.
‘Oh? Is there someone...?’
Lily looked at her through her long eyelashes and tapped her nose. It’s a secret. ‘Early days.’
This was good. Lily was sharing things about her life. ‘Well, I’m here if you ever want a chat about anything.’
‘Yeah. Thanks.’ Lily frowned. ‘Actually, my dad...’
Uh-oh. Truth time. Briana sat forward. ‘Look, I don’t know if he’s told you...whatever we had...it’s ended. But I’d really like for us all to work together when the baby comes.’
‘Do you love him?’
‘What?’ Briana blinked. Maybe her relationship with Lily needed a few more boundaries.
Or maybe she should be proud Lily was a forthright and confident woman.
‘Do you love my dad?’ Lily repeated.
‘I don’t know.’
With all my heart, all my breath, with everything I have.
Bri felt her lip wobble. She couldn’t lie to Lily and she couldn’t lie to herself any more. ‘Yes. Yes, I do.’
‘Have you told him?’
‘No.’ That was met with an eye-roll that reminded Briana that she was opening her heart to a fifteen-year-old. ‘It’s not as simple as—’
‘Right. I’m too young to understand. Okay.’ Lily held her palms up. ‘I know you love him and I’m pretty sure he loves you. I know he’s miserable. And I’m pretty sure you are too. I know he isn’t eating properly, and his face looks like the sun has gone in or something. He’s told me he’s going to be grumpy for the rest of his life. And that’s just sad.’
Bri smiled. ‘I hope he isn’t. That would be terrible.’
‘Especially for me.’ Her goddaughter grinned. ‘Look, I know it’s a big thing that you weren’t expecting. But you have to take a chance. Take a risk.’
‘Wow, Lily.’ Briana laughed. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
Lily leaned in and whispered, ‘What would Ellen say?’
Bri gasped at the sharp sting in her chest. Beautiful Ellen, whose life was cruelly taken before it had really started. Ellen, who had told her over and over that Fraser was a good man. That he was a wonderful father. But, of course, Briana knew that and more. He was generous and funny and he hadn’t pressured her into anything. In fact, he’d done exactly as she’d asked him to do and left her alone. She couldn’t have asked for more.
And she loved him.
She knew what her best friend would encourage her to do, and now her best friend’s daughter was saying it too. Two generations couldn’t be wrong, surely? She cupped her goddaughter’s chin. ‘You’re a chip off the old block, Lily Moore. You’re pure Ellen.’
‘And Fraser too.’
‘And Fraser too.’ His gentleness. His enthusiasm. His open honesty that was at once raw and yet freeing. He believed in her and made her believe it too. He hadn’t been afraid to tell her what he wanted, and he’d taken a leap of faith regardless of the consequences. That kind of a man came along once in a lifetime. ‘Ellen would say, Hell, yes. Go for it.’
‘So, does it take a fifteen-year-old to bash your heads together? Talk to him. Talk to each other.’
‘And say what?’
‘Well, someone wise once told me that what makes you happy is being able to be truly honest with someone. Maybe you could start with that?’
Touché. ‘But he’s gone.’
‘Actually, no. He’s standing right there.’ Lily pointed out of the French doors behind Briana to a private jetty that led down to the lake. He was alone, his back to her, silhouetted by fairy lights threaded through thick coils of rope fencing and a silvery full moon. In his suit he looked dangerous and magnificent, and the sight of him made her heart dance. Falling in love had been unexpected, unwanted. She’d come home with no plan, looking to hide away from her feelings and experiences and try to make something new for herself.
But it was Fraser who had made her see everything in a new light; he’d helped create this new life inside her. He made her feel renewed and being in his arms made everything feel complete.
Could it be possible that maybe, just maybe, Fraser was her fresh start?
Fraser looked out across the lake breathing in the cool air that blew in from the mountains. In the distance he could hear music, laughter, chatter from the wedding party in the hotel.
He felt detached from it all. Untethered. Adrift.
It was cold, but he didn’t care. The breeze reminded him he was alive, and he could breathe out here when he couldn’t breathe watching Briana. Every glimpse of her made his chest constrict.
Boy, he had it bad.
‘Fraser?’
He whirled round at the sound of her voice, his heart lifting and hurting at the same time. Her bun had come lose and curls hung round her cheeks. She was breathless, her cheeks flushed. She was beautiful. Perfect.
All he wanted to do was take her into his arms and kiss her until his thoughts blurred. But he just nodded, forcing himself to get used to being around her in this faux emotionless state—when in reality the emotion was just shoved down, pushed back, still bubbling under the surface. ‘Hey, Bri. You okay?’
‘Tired.’ She gave a little shrug. ‘But okay.’
Why was she here when she’d spent the last few weeks keeping her distance? His eyes dipped to her stomach and his own gut tightened in concern. ‘Baby okay?’
‘Yes. All is fine.’ She suddenly looked nervous and pale. ‘Look, Fraser...we need to talk.’
‘Did Lily put you up to this?’ He mimicked Lily’s voice. ‘“Go talk to my dad. He’s a sad sack who needs cheering up.”’
Bri smiled softly. ‘We chatted, yes.’
Ah. Then that explained it. A pity-party. Great. ‘Take no notice. She’s trying to help but probably making it worse.’
‘Actually, she helped me clarify a few things.’
‘How?’ His chest tightened as he waited for more rejection.
‘She asked me if I loved you.’
‘Oh, God.’ He wanted to shrivel up and die right there. ‘Sorry.’
‘No. No, it’s good.’ Bri held her palm up. ‘She’s amazing, Fraser, really. She’s a beautiful, young woman and I’m so proud of her. She’s not scared of emotions. She doesn’t hide from them, she feels them keenly. Lets them work through her system. It’s a good thing. And she’s not scared to take risks.’
‘Don’t I know it.’ He shook his head. Okay, so she’d come to talk about Lily. The little flicker of hope fizzled out. ‘And?’
‘And what?’
‘The answer to her question.’
She took hold of his hand and looked up at him. Vulnerability and something else...fear, perhaps, or panic...flitted across her gaze. Then determination. Clarity. ‘I told her that, yes, I do. I do love you.’
‘The way I loved Ellen, right? Friends. Co-parents. That’s...’ He took his hand away from hers. ‘Okay.’
He’d get used to it.
‘Not like Ellen.’ She stepped closer and took his hand again. ‘Thing is...you were right. I am scared about making a commitment to you. I’m scared about planning a future with anyone. I told myself you didn’t love me, couldn’t love me, and I didn’t want to hear it when you tried to say those precious words. I hid behind you planning to go back to London. Then when you decided to stay I had nothing to hide behind. I panicked. I’m scared about the way I feel because it’s out of control. It’s unpredictable. It’s wild.’
She laughed. ‘It’s wonderful. I’m dizzy with it. Lost in it. Lost in you. And that’s okay.’ She breathed in and nodded, repeating slowly, ‘That’s okay. I was trying to hold tight onto who I am, who I wanted to be. But I realise now that being with you makes me feel stronger. Braver. More. So much more. You make me believe in myself more than I ever did before. You listen. You hear me. And I know we can work it out. I know we’ll be a team. Together.’
He couldn’t believe she was saying these things. Expecting that any minute there would be a ‘but’.
She shook her head. ‘I love you, Fraser. Like a friend, like a co-parent, yes. But I’m in love with you too. I didn’t want to be, I fought against it. I raged against it. I didn’t want to be trapped and I know you didn’t want anything from me. You definitely didn’t want a baby.’
‘I do now.’ His heart was racing. ‘There’s going to be more bumps on the road, I’m sure.’
‘Then we’ll face them together. Ever since that day in the car park I’ve felt as if a part of me was missing and I...’ She took his hand and placed it over her belly. ‘We don’t want to live another day without you.’
He blinked, still unable to compute. Had he fallen and hit his head? Was he back in his bed and dreaming? ‘Are you saying...?’
‘I love you. I want to be with you. I want...’ she pointed to her chest and then his ‘...this.’
‘I thought I’d lost you. You didn’t want—’ His throat was too tight with emotion. His words stuck. He couldn’t speak.
‘Oh, God.’ Her hand went to her mouth. ‘Oh, no. I’ve read it wrong. You’ve changed your mind. You don’t want it.’
‘Don’t want it?’ In a panic he found the words pretty damned quick. If this was a dream he was not going to let it end. He laughed and pulled her close in case she totally got the wrong impression. ‘I want you more than anything in the world, Briana Barclay. I want us. I want our family. I want...everything. A new start for all of us. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ She slipped into his arms, her face bright with tears and smiles.
And then she kissed him.