LILY WAS STANDING in the middle of the room, hands on her hips, her face blotchy from crying, mascara streaks on her cheeks. She looked young and vulnerable and utterly shocked. Horrified even.
They’d been making so much noise with their silly game they hadn’t heard her come downstairs.
Oh, God, this was not what was meant to happen. None of this.
Briana cleared her throat and tried to stop the hammering in her chest that made her feel light-headed. Maybe, with the teeniest bit of luck, Lily hadn’t overheard their conversation.
‘I’m giving your father a hug because he’s had a rough few days.’ She opened her arms wide. ‘I’ve got plenty to spare. You want one too?’
Lily glowered and ignored Bri’s gesture. ‘What baby? What scan?’ She looked from Fraser to Briana and back again, her eyes dark and bruised with emotion. Her bottom lip wobbled as the words sank in. ‘Oh. My. God. You’re pregnant? Dad? Is Briana pregnant?’
Clearly, luck was not on Bri’s side today. This year. This life.
Next to her, Fraser opened his palms in a conciliatory gesture, his expression flat and giving no emotion away. ‘Yes. Briana and I are having a baby.’
‘Well, wow.’ His daughter inhaled a staggered breath, eyes wide and glittering. ‘Don’t expect me to congratulate you.’
Bri stepped forward, unsure how to navigate this. Even as a nurse who dealt with kids all day, every day, she felt so out of her depth. ‘We didn’t want you to find out like this.’
‘Tough luck on that front.’ Lily shook her head in disappointment.
Fraser gave Bri a small smile of support. ‘We wanted it to be confirmed before we said anything.’
‘We?’ Lily spat the words out. ‘We’ve only been in this stupid, boring place a few weeks and you’re already getting it on with Briana? You’re together now, is that it?’
‘No.’ Briana was definite about that. ‘We’re not together. It’s not like that.’ Even to her, it sounded weak and ridiculous.
‘I just saw you,’ Lily slammed back. ‘It looked like you were kissing. You’re always going on at me about being honest and yet here you are. Lying.’
‘I am not lying.’ Now Fraser looked about as torn apart as Briana felt as he added, ‘I just haven’t been able to tell you yet. Briana only had the scan yesterday. I’m sorry you found out like this, but Bri and the baby are going to be part of our lives from now on.’
‘Just great.’ Lily threw Bri one last savage look. ‘A baby? At your age? And you tell me to be responsible.’ She disappeared up the stairs, thumping at every step.
Fraser ran to the door and called out, desperation in his voice, ‘Lily! Please.’
They heard the slam of a door, the sag of bed springs. Something hitting the floor.
Fraser’s eyes closed and he looked close to broken. There was a long moment of silence. Briana truly did not know what to say except that she knew he was hurting. That Lily was too, and she was desperately sorry for them both.
And also that she wasn’t sure she could cope with this kind of drama every day when the baby came along. It was going to be hard enough getting to grips with co-parenting as it was.
Fraser rubbed his hand over his forehead. ‘At least we don’t have to worry about how we’re going to tell her our news.’
‘I am so sorry.’ Bri sighed. ‘That wasn’t how I imagined it going. Do you want to go up to her? Should I?’
‘No. Leave her for a few minutes. Let her calm down. Then I’ll go up. I think it should be just me for now. But you were right when you said I won’t be getting that father of the year award.’
‘You just scooped her up from a police station after she broke not just the law but your family rules. She’s been your only focus for the last fifteen years. We can’t expect her to welcome a baby with open arms, especially when she hasn’t got used to the idea of me being around. Emotions are running high. Maybe she’ll be better about it when she’s thought it through.’
‘You think?’ His expression told her he wasn’t holding out much hope for that.
‘Maybe she’ll enjoy having a brother or sister around.’ She coughed. ‘Having said that, my brother never paid me much attention. I was more of an irritant to be ignored than someone to play games with.’
‘You have a brother?’ His eyebrows rose. ‘I didn’t know that.’
‘He’s five years older than me. An accountant, like my dad was. Lives in Reading. We’re not close.’ Like Fraser, she was short on a supply of people to help her with her parenting journey. No parents alive and a brother far away, although she had her friends here and it was a tight, supportive community. And there’d be Fraser, of course, doing his co-parenting bit the way he had with Ellen...if he stayed here. And she would be fine and everything, but it just wasn’t how Briana had expected her life to pan out.
After Tony, she’d vowed no men, so kids hadn’t been part of the picture. Before Tony, she’d assumed she’d get married at some point, have a couple of kids, everyone living under the same roof. But things were different now and with an angry half-sister to her child in tow. None of it was how she’d envisioned her life.
Fraser walked back to the kitchen sink and started scrubbing at a pan. Hard. ‘I always wanted a sibling. It was always just me and my mum, but she worked so hard, such long hours—she had a homeware store in Cheshire town centre. I only ever got the exhausted version. No...it was more than that...’
‘What do you mean?’
He shot her a wary look. ‘I think she blamed me for my father leaving and was always emotionally cold compared to my friends’ mums, as if she was just going through the motions. The minute I left home she declared herself free. Like I’d been a brick round her neck. I don’t know...’ He shrugged, but Bri could see the hurt in his eyes. ‘I always wondered what it would be like to have a dad around too, doing guy things, like my friends had.’
‘Where was your dad?’
‘Don’t know. Never met him.’ He started to wipe down the sink then moved on to the counter, rubbing over and over at something only he could see. ‘She said he’d dumped her when she’d told him she was pregnant. Never heard from him again. I couldn’t ever forgive him for that. How could he abandon a pregnant woman? How could he not want to be involved with his child? Coward.’
Hence Fraser’s need to be involved with his own offspring. Bri sighed. ‘My mum stayed at home and looked after us and the house. My dad was very traditional. Strict. Domineering. All that Don’t speak until you’re spoken to stuff. Do as I say. Don’t answer back.’ She laughed wryly as it dawned on her. ‘Then I ended up with not only his duplicate, but a much worse version.’
Fraser stopped scrubbing and looked at her, his eyes were so dark, pain simmered in his gaze. ‘I want to hurt that man, Briana.’
‘He’s not worth your anger.’ Her heart squeezed for this guy who was so torn and going through such difficult times but still had space for worrying about things that had happened to her.
Thank goodness she hadn’t kissed him. Because that was exactly what she’d been thinking as he’d held her. That she wanted to take him to bed and let him kiss her all over.
This was a big mess. Fraser Moore was one hot guy in every sense of the word and the more time she spent with him the more she fell just a bit deeper under his spell.
What were they going to do? About the baby? About Lily? About these emotions that tumbled between them? And about the raw attraction they both felt and hid from and didn’t want to admit? Especially when they were going to have to see so much more of each other.
An unwelcome thought struck her. Would he meet someone else and fall in love? Have a ‘proper’ family? Would she be edged out?
He hadn’t edged Ellen out.
Her heart hurt. It was all so complicated.
She suddenly remembered something Lily had said and couldn’t help laughing. ‘What did she mean by “at your age”? I’m only thirty-three. It’s a good age to have a baby.’
‘To a fifteen-year-old anything over twenty is ancient.’ He smiled. ‘You’ll have more clue with a baby than I did at eighteen. And you’re a nurse too.’
‘I don’t know about that. It’s a lot easier to teach parenting than to live it.’
‘Don’t I know it.’ He wrung out the cloth and put it on the drying rack.
‘Oh, God.’ She slumped into a dining chair and put her head in her hands. ‘This is a nightmare.’
She felt him kneel by her side, his warm hand palming her shoulders, turning her to him. ‘Hey, Briana. It’s going to be okay.’
She shook her head. ‘I think it’s all gone to hell, to be honest.’
She covered her face, said more than a few choice words, then let emotion take over.
He stroked her back but when she made a snorting noise he pulled her hands away from her face. ‘Briana Barclay, are you laughing?’
‘Kind of laughing-crying, I think. Or crying-laughing. Is that a thing? I’m so confused about everything I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry, so I’m doing both at the same time.’ She pressed her lips together and tried to stop but couldn’t, because the whole situation was actually absurd. ‘Lily’s right. We were totally and utterly irresponsible. Fine sex educators we are.’
‘We were failed by a duff condom. Don’t we tell all our students this could happen?’ He stroked the backs of his fingers down her cheek. ‘It was good, though.’
She felt a giggle burst from her chest and stopped fighting it. ‘The sex was amazing, Fraser.’
‘Best damned sex of my life. But was it worth all this?’
Worth the heartache and confusion? Worth the nausea that would likely soon start to creep up on her every morning?
She took a chance and took his hand, placed it on her belly. The only bond between them that truly mattered was right there, beneath their fingertips. Worth this? She knew without a shadow of a doubt that this baby was worth anything and everything. ‘It has to be.’
He stroked his palm over her stomach. ‘It will be.’
She truly wanted to believe he meant it. Now, at this moment, when his daughter was safe upstairs. But if he was in London and Bri was here with his other child...?
He stood and helped her up, opening his arms, inviting her in for another hug and... Oh, what the hell, it wasn’t as if anything else could go wrong today. It was just a friendly gesture and she needed someone to lean on right now. She slipped her arms around his waist, relishing the feel of his strong body.
She laid her head on his shoulder and wasn’t sure whether she was going to laugh some more or cry. Or both. But at least they were on the same side for once. He’d told Lily that Briana and the baby were going to be part of their lives. He’d said it out loud. That was worth something.
Now all they had to do was work out...how.
Warmth crept into Briana’s chest as he hugged her close. She’d grown nothing but coldness for him for years, but the thaw was definitely happening.
She just hoped she wasn’t going to drown in the meltwater.
‘Still not sure why you want to borrow my puppy, but here you go.’ Beth stepped over the threshold of Briana’s house and handed Boy’s lead to her, clearly confused. ‘Care to explain?’
Bri bent and fussed over the dog. ‘Good boy. Yes. Yes. We’re going for walkies. It’s a long story.’
Beth’s eyes narrowed. ‘I’m an excellent listener and I have all evening.’
Luckily, Briana’s phone beeped and she tugged it from her pocket. A text from Fraser, right on time.
She’s just left. Walking down towards the village.
She sent him a thumbs-up emoji then turned to Beth. ‘Sorry, I have to go. Thanks again for Boy. I’ll return him as soon as we’re done.’
‘Done doing what?’ Her friend’s voice was imbued with teasing and interest.
Being a godmother. ‘Something I should have done a long time ago.’ She ushered Beth out, waited until she’d steered her car down the road, then locked the door behind her and set off towards the village on foot. She wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing, but she had to talk to her goddaughter.
As for Fraser...well, she’d decided to keep him at arm’s length as much as possible. The hug had been wonderful. And that was the problem. She couldn’t allow herself to get all heated up around him when they’d agreed neither of them wanted any kind of relationship. It would muddle everything and make long-term negotiations over the baby more difficult.
It didn’t take long for her to see Lily coming down the road, wrapped up against the freezing temperatures, being dragged along by her faithful furry companion and staring at her phone. Briana walked quickly towards her before Lily saw her and made a detour. ‘Hello, Lily.’
Lily blinked and looked up. It took her a second to process but Bri saw exactly when it did. The girl’s eyes darkened and her mouth flattened. ‘This is why I hate this place. You can’t get any privacy.’
But Bri was prepared for Lily’s reaction. ‘I know. I used to think that too. But when my mum got sick everyone rallied round and helped. Left food for me so I didn’t have to think about cooking. People are nice here, Lily.’
‘Very friendly.’ The girl glanced at Briana’s tummy and shook her head in distaste.
Even though Briana was prepared for it, it didn’t stop her cheeks heating. ‘I’m not going to tell you it was planned, because it wasn’t. It just...happened and now we have to deal with it. You see, adults make some interesting choices too. Not all of them good.’
Lily shrugged. ‘Like dragging your daughter to live in Oakdale?’
‘Oh, Lily, we don’t have some sort of handbook for being a parent. Your dad does what he thinks is best for you.’
Lily harrumphed. ‘Did he tell you to say that?’
‘Of course not. No one tells me what to do and say, Lily. I am my own person.’
The girl’s eyebrows rose and Bri thought there may have been a glimmer of admiration there but then Lily said, ‘Are you two getting married now? Or what?’
‘No!’ Bri willed her beating heart down to a more manageable rhythm. ‘We’re working the details out. But me and your dad...we’re not together.’
‘You’re not even going out with each other? But you’re having his baby.’
‘No.’ Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea after all. ‘I mean...yes. It’s a bit of a mess, to be honest.’ Lily deserved honesty and at almost sixteen she could handle the truth. ‘We’re having to work things out as we go along. But whatever happens, you will always be so, so important to your dad. Always.’
‘Right. Yeah. Sure.’ Lily’s eyes grew wide and there was a wealth of judgement there that Briana felt keenly. ‘Are you here checking up on me so you can report back to him?’
Bri tugged gently on the lead and brought Boy to heel, trying to act as if this hadn’t been a planned meeting, even though there’d been a lot of work behind the scenes to make it look like an accidental encounter. ‘Not at all. I promised Beth I’d take Boy out because both she and Alex are working late and this little fella needs to work off some energy.’
Lily frowned. ‘She usually asks me.’
Shoot. Briana thought quickly. ‘We were chatting the other day and I offered, that’s all. Which way are you going?’
Her goddaughter shot her a look that Bri interpreted as, Any way you’re not going.
But Briana ignored it, and laughed at the dogs jumping at each other, barking and chasing as much as their leads allowed. And even though she felt completely out of her comfort zone she was going to follow through on her plan. ‘Aw, look. They’re so happy to be playing together. Maybe we should take them up to Oakdale Top and let them off their leads to have a run.’
‘No, thanks.’ Lily turned and pulled Jasper closer. ‘Come on, we’re going home.’
Drastic times call for drastic measures. Bri took a breath and called to Lily’s back, ‘I’m not surprised you ran away.’
Lily froze in her tracks then slowly turned round to glare at Bri. ‘Because you think my dad’s unreasonable and stupid, too.’
‘No.’ Feigning uninterest, Bri sauntered towards her. ‘I think it’s genetic.’
Lily’s frown deepened. ‘What?’
‘Your mum ran away too.’
‘When?’ A flicker of interest, pretending not be interested at all.
‘She was thirteen. She dragged me along too.’ Briana started to walk slowly up the hill away from the village, bringing Lily along with her story, as she’d intended. ‘That did not go down well in my house, or hers. Not at all.’
‘Why did you run away?’
‘The fun fair had rolled into Kendal as it did once a year. Our parents said they’d take us, like always, but we didn’t want to go with them and come home early like little kids. We thought we were all grown up and wanted to go on our own and stay until it ended. Maybe even work there, do a few weeks on tour with them. I can’t even imagine what we were thinking...so naïve. So we planned a pretend sleepover at Ellen’s house, then when everyone had gone to bed, we slapped on make-up and sneaked out the window with packed bags, unsure where we were going to spend the night but determined not to come home until we’d had our adventure. We got a taxi into Kendal—which cost a fortune.’
‘Tell me about it.’ Lily had the good grace to look sheepish.
Briana smiled. ‘We got to the fair quite late and it was brilliant. Such fun. We rode the Waltzers and dodgems and ate candy floss. We flirted with the guys who ran the rides. They weren’t teenagers like we’d thought but proper grown-up men and we were in awe of them. We told them we were sixteen and they gave us some vodka to drink. Then some more, and suddenly I’d had a lot and I didn’t feel great.
‘One of the men...’ she took a breath, reliving the panic and fear of that night and that stupid decision ‘...started to put his hands in places I didn’t want to be touched. And when I looked around there was no one else there but us four. It was dark and we were alone with these guys we didn’t know, and I remembered stories about young girls being kidnapped and I got very scared. And he wanted...well, you can imagine what he wanted, and I started to cry, then I was sick over his shoes. That put him off.’
She glanced at Lily, who was listening intently. ‘Thank God for Ellen, who pulled me away and told them where to go. Then suddenly both our mums appeared, shouting at the men and threatening to report them to the police. Turned out the taxi driver knew my mum and had rung her, asking whether it was okay that we were going to the fun fair so late and on our own.’
‘You escaped then?’ Lily was wide-eyed.
‘I’ve never been so scared in my life, or so grateful to see our mums.’ Bri smiled and nodded. ‘I was grateful to the taxi driver too, and that I lived in a place where people look out for each other.’ Bri stopped talking then, not wanting to sound too preachy.
Lily’s eyes sparkled as all this sank in. ‘Were you grounded too?’
‘Yes. But I was kind of glad, really. I deserved it and didn’t want to venture out for a while after that. And it turned out the fun fair wasn’t as fun as I’d thought it would be.’
‘London is, though.’
Bri glanced at her as they hiked up the hill. ‘It can be. But not when you’re breaking the rules. Juvenile detention can get old very quickly.’
‘I didn’t do anything wrong.’ Lily swallowed and looked away, the hard act softening and letting a little bit of vulnerability through, even if she didn’t want to. They both knew she’d done a lot of things wrong, but it was okay, she was young and had a lot of learning to do. ‘Were you scared?’
‘When the fists started flying. Yes. I thought I was going to get hit.’
‘It would have been so frightening.’ Bri thought for a moment, wondering why Lily had put herself in that situation and for who. ‘Do you miss your friends?’
Lily’s eyes glistened. ‘Mmm...’
‘A particular friend?’
Her goddaughter bent to nuzzle Jasper’s fur and gave the smallest of nods.
Bingo. ‘Does this person have a name?’
A long pause. Lily chewed her lip. Looked away and then down at her boots. ‘Jerome.’
‘Is he...um...?’ What would Ellen do? She’d just ask outright. Surely? ‘Your boyfriend?’
‘No.’ The denial was too quick. He wasn’t Lily’s boyfriend, but she wanted him to be.
Oh, poor Lily. In love and lonely up here. ‘How about you invite him up here for a weekend?’
That received a look that said, Kill me now. ‘To Boringsville? He’d hate it.’
‘How do you know? He might be a secret fan of mountains and lakes.’
‘He likes good music, dancing, that kind of thing. Not hills and trees.’ They’d reached the summit and they were both a little out of breath. The dogs chased and ran across the snowy slope.
Lily was finally talking and Bri felt heady with the breakthrough. ‘If he likes you, he’d come and stay, right? He’d want to be with you, whether it’s about dancing and music or trees and mountains, or anything else you might be interested in.’
‘I guess.’ Lily shrugged.
Briana scanned the vista in front of them. The sun was setting over snow-capped mountains, coating them in smudged oranges and reds. Lights twinkled in the houses in the valley below. Snow glittered on the fences and grass. It was achingly beautiful. But she could see how a teenager might not see the beauty in it. Not yet. Maybe only when they came back to it after years away and breathed it in, tucking the majesty of it all into their heart and chest, let it slip between the muscle and sinew and into the bloodstream and feel it beat through them.
She loved it here and could see why Fraser might have thought it would help his daughter. And it still might. Lily just had to be open to the opportunities here.
Briana looked at an outcrop of limestone on their left. ‘Have you explored those caves over there?’
‘No.’ Lily followed her gaze.
‘There are glow-worms in there. It’s amazing. Magical. Tiny microcosms of life, glittering in the dark. You’ll have to take Jerome to see them.’ She laughed. ‘I bet you don’t get many glow-worms in Clapham.’
‘No.’ Lily snorted. ‘We have some pretty cool vintage shops, though, and a good market.’
‘Oh, yes, London’s great for shopping, I’ll give you that. But we do have great markets in Keswick and Kendal.’ Bri thought for a moment. ‘I know! My friend Phil runs the outward-bound centre in Bowness. He does canoeing, caving and bush skills. I could ask him for mate’s rates if you like, so it doesn’t cost too much. Are there many caves in London?’ A chill breeze was whipping round them and Briana huddled closer to Lily so they could hear each other’s words.
Lily smiled and shuffled an inch towards Bri. ‘No, but it sounds cool.’
‘And there’s mountain biking. Movies if it’s raining. The climbing wall. There’s heaps to keep him busy. And, of course, there’s you. More incentive to come here than anything else, right?’ Briana took a chance and, smiling, tucked a stray strand of Lily’s hair back behind her ear, the way she had back when Lily had been six years old. ‘Ask him up for the weekend.’
‘Dad won’t let me.’ But her eyes were brighter. She was thinking about it.
‘Have you asked him?’
‘I’m grounded. I can’t do anything.’
‘Give it a try. Tell him how sorry you are about London—you are sorry, aren’t you?’
Lily nodded, her eyes glittering with tears. ‘Yes.’
‘You know he loves you. Very much. He just wants you to be safe. And happy.’ She tried to be tactful. ‘Drugs and stealing and fighting won’t make you happy, Lily. They’ll give you a buzz that’s here and gone in a heartbeat and leave you craving more excitement and more buzz, and it won’t ever seem enough. And they won’t make you happy in your bones.’
Lily’s eyes rolled as if she’d heard this a million times already.
Well, tough. Briana was her godmother and it was her duty to say it too. But she took the hint and turned the conversation back to the boy. ‘Good relationships make you happy, you know? When you feel as if you’re on the same wavelength as someone and you make each other laugh and you can be totally honest.’ Bri’s heart twinged, wishing she was able to walk her own talk with Fraser. She felt so connected to him and that scared her more than anything. ‘And if Jerome likes you, he’ll want to make you happy too. Invite him up.’
Lily thought some more and then her mouth curved into a full, open, excited smile. ‘Maybe...’
Bri grinned too, feeling as if she’d finally done something good.
It wasn’t exactly a yes. But it was a whole lot better than a no.