She was asleep on my shoulder, her snores were soft and she was snuggled up close to me. I hadn't told any female about my past that deep. I look across from me and Ms. Pearl is reading a novel by Richard wright called Black Boy. The book brought back memories the first time Grace took me to the library at five. Here she was walking me into a place at the time look like a palace, filled with books, paintings and there she introduce me to what would keep my mind uplifted. I was the only boy in a white neighborhood sitting with a white woman. At the age of five, I was reading at a third grade level because she read to me every day and night.
She wanted me rooted in my history, my culture and the first books that I could relate to was Richard Wright's Black boy the moving around at least and being the child consider the guest.
"Ms. Pearl I read that book growing up." She looked under her glasses.
"You did. "
"It was a good book I could relate in some sense moving from home to home. Seeing someone you love sick and struggle."
"One of your foster mothers?"
"Yeah, she was the one who raised me until I was ten."
She put the book on her lap and folded her hands on top of it . She hummed for a minute and then she spoke,
"I didn't mean to pry but I couldn't help overhearing. Have you ever try to reach to your birth mother?"
"Yes, on social media and she blocked me. Which basically means she didn't want nothing to do with me. It's all good."
"Your hurt and you have every reason to be."
“Nah, I got over that feeling of hurt . After a while you become immune to it hurt has hollowed out my heart. I don’t have feelings for anyone or anything.”
"It's not something nobody should be immune to and you’re mother loves you. I believe that in my heart. I see you two have been holding hands and cuddle up over there. I see love brewing between you two so your feelings ain’t dead."
It wasn't a love thing it was two souls who had wounds unsealed it was our connection. The pain inside of us we shared. Her mouth was open and her hair was out of her ponytail, my hand and shoulder was numb. I touched her face and she open her eyes. She jerked up and let go my hand.
"Ms. Pearl you are always talking about love brewing." I said.
She sat up and stretched. She took a sip of the juice she had on the side of her popped a few pills in her mouth a took another sip of the apple juice.
"I saw the connection on the other bus fussing and nip picking. Love happens you just have to let your heart receive it."
I rotated my neck and shoulders to loosen them up. Janae scrolled through messages and her cell buzzed. The name Robert popped up and she hit the ignore button. She turned off the phone and looked through her purse and pulled out two Kit Kats.
"Do you want one?"
"Nah, I'm good. So the green you carrying around did you promise old boy you keep hush about your affair?"
She ate a piece and answered,
"No, he gave it to me before and told me to leave Buffalo. So, I did as he said."
"Why you snitch out your relationship?"
"It was already exposed and when I went over to talk it out he told me I was nothing and he was never leaving his wife for me. I was hurt and angry. Sometimes you have to snitch to save your heart at least in my case."
“I can relate and to save your life.”
The phone buzzed again and this time it was my phone.
"Talk to me."
"Brick my dude. What's good?"
"Life. What's up, Five bucks?"
"You tell me. I mean you left the 'Cuse in a rush after all our boys got locked down. Shit just seems twisted since you left."
"You know why I left to find my Mom's and after Chyna got killed I needed to get away. The way ya’ll killed her, nothing"
"Man, so you find your Moms yet?"
"Nah, but I'm close to finding her."
“What you gone say to her?”
“I’m Still here even after all your attempts to kill me I’m alive.”
"Yo, what I find strange is that all us niggas got shook but you. I've been racking my brain all this time trying to figure out who the fuck the snitch is and bruh I think it was you.You sold us to the Feds, Brick over the shit that went down with Chyna?
"Man, get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. Why would I snitch my family out? Yes, that shirt hurt me bad but me a snitch, nah fam."
"That what I said to the crew, man but they thinking it was you. Chyna, you know was a causality to the war. The Feds trying to give me twenty five to life but you know Brick she wouldn't had to die If she wasn't fucking the enemy. I mean crossing over with Brick town she wrote her own death sentence.
“Yeah whatever. You could have let her go, man. Dudes ran a train on her, and stuffed a curling iron in her pussy and tortured her. Ya’ll then murder her son he was a baby."
"Ruthless measures for being a rat. Chyna sold us out not only to the feds but Brick on some real shit you was in love with her. So you couldn't see her for what she was using you. She didn't give a fuck about you.Did you know she was the one selling drugs to Grace behind your back. Or the fact she was the cause of you getting kicked out of the Parkersburg house. Chyna was shady as hell"
"Get the hell out of here, Chyna was like a sister she’d never portray me."
“What made you special cause you broke a few dudes back. Chyna was all about self.”
“You talking crazy.”
"Nigga, she didn’t want to fuck with you because I was pounding the pussy. You was all crazy for her but Chyna was with me."
Truth cut through me like a gingsu knife and loyalty was some non existent shit. I slouched in my seat, swallowed the lump in my throat and licked my lips.
"She dead it doesn't matter, right?"
"She died because she snitch on us. The only one she didn't snitch out was you. So in actually Brick she killed herself. A few months back she and I had an argument and I told her I thought it was you talking to the cops. She admitted it was her and wanted me in on it. She said they gave her money and would relocate her. Brick, I know you would never snitch on us over some broad. So it all added up to Chyna and it is why she had to die."
"She had to die then."
"Bruh, when you coming back to the 'Cuse? We need you Brick most of us is going away and the young heads need a leader. I want you to hold us down keep the fam alive."
"Soon, I need to find my Moms and put the past behind me."
"Yeah, yeah I found my Moms and now I wish I never found her. Do you, fam."
"Yeah, look I gotta go. Stay up."
I ended the call and Chyna did me dirty and here I was feeling guilty about her death. I looked outside and it is dark but I can see the cars going by, the tractor trailers and trucks passing by. Chyna death is on my head and it still hurt no matter what she covered for me. Chyna and I grew up in the same home with the Parkerburg. Folks thought I had a crush on her and I did. I was in love with her but she saw me as a big brother. Chyna was fine she had a complexion like Gabrielle Union, her hair always braided up in a bun, and though she was heavy set. She was pretty to me and she was good with the hands it was why she was initiated into the gang. She hit like a man and would fight any dude. I knew she was screwing dudes from the Brick town gang but she was hard headed and seeking love. Her life was rough and twisted.”
I felt a light tap on my shoulder breaking me out of my thought.
"That phone call startled you."
"Old associate with past bullshit."
"Do you miss your friend, Chyna?"
"Yeah. We lived in the last foster home together. I looked out for her because they already had four other kids living there all boys. They mind was on getting pussy so I protected her. It was like losing a little sister. I don't have family that I know of and she was it. "
Janae reminded me of her because I could see the hurt in her eyes and like Chyna she was trying to fit in. We all want to be accepted and it may mean becoming what you don't want to. Doing things you detest just so you can have love in your life. I join .357 murderer mafia because I would have a family. Dudes who had your back, shed blood for you but most of all never abandon you. The lesson I learned is even in those families you are still a guest. I didn’t want to jump dudes, shooting and paralyzing motherfuckers just to get a rep. Having to shoot someone over bullshit like who was selling on your block or over some broad every dude ran through. I adapted just so I could have a so call family.
The gang life for me made me hate looking myself in the mirror. I thought differently than the rest of my friends. What I was fighting for had shit to do with a rep or owning the block. I wanted my mother and father. I wanted to a place where I could say,'my home'. I hung out in the libraries and streets because I hated looking at pictures on the wall and none of them resemble me. Going to family reunions and being introduced as the foster kid they took in. My name should have been “the foster child they took in.”
"I know how you feel."
"How?"
"We'll, I never grew up in foster care but I was the outside child made from a different daddy moving me into her new husband's house. My sister being the apple of his eye because she was his. I was the one who was treated differently, left at home when they went on family outings. Their excuse was because I was bad little girl."
"Where you?"
"I did things for attention and I had a smart mouth. So yeah I was but in the beginning, Jensen I play by the rules and still got mistreated. No one ever consider how I felt about not having my daddy or being around only his family.My father was dead and she never let me connect to my father’s family."
She wiggled around and she took a deep breath.
"You had your Mom."
"Not really and I am not saying that to be funny. I am the darkest out of my family took after my father as to where my mother, sister and step father are light skin. I have decent hair but not like my sister. She is stunning, thin and a ballet dancer." She looked away and wipes her eyes. I turn her head to face me.
"You are stunning too." She gave a half smile and our eyes locked. She turned away and looks outside
"Jensen, don't flatter me I have carried the titlle well of being the ugly fat chick." I turned her face to me again.
"Real shit if you were busted I tell you. You ain't busted. You have that cute dimple, pretty skin and a nice smile. You’re pretty. I know how that shit feel too people liking someone because of their skin color. We more racist against ourselves than any other race. That how it was in the foster homes too. The ones more likely to get adopted or stay for the long haul because of their complexion, good hair and pretty eyes."
"You have pretty eyes."
"Yeah, but I was taller than most kids. People feared me because I was so muscular and look mean. They didn't know how to take me because I stay to myself. When you pissed me off I'd bust your ass and act as if nothing happen. I always been a big muscular dude without really working out."
She giggled.
"I fought a lot, got kicked out of school and did stupid stuff like...."
"Using drugs."
"Yes. Have you ever?"
"Weed on an occasion but none of the hard stuff. I saw what it does to people and I just knew I never wanted to be a zombie."
“What happen to Ms. Grace your first foster mom.”
“Drug overdose that’s why I didn’t indulge. Why’d you start?”
"I started to fit in with these girls from school like smoking weed and that was it until I met Robert."
My Facebook messenger popped up and I scrolled through the pictures I saved. I look at the one with Mrs. Pearl, my murderer, and the two grandchildren sitting on her lap
"Hold that thought I got to go to the bathroom."
I walked to the bathroom and I logged onto the phone studying the pictures of my murderer’s family and then I stopped at the picture of Ms. Pearl holding two children on her lap. The same signature braids with beads at the end of it, her aqua blue necklace and ring. I frown because I knew she was lying to me pretending not to know who I was. A few text messages from the officer popped in and sent quick texts back that I was okay. I step out and as I was approaching I heard her whisper to Janae.
He is my grandson all right." I see his mother all in him "
"I see it too. Ms. Pearl you have to tell him even if you're wrong tell him." I walked back to my seat and cut my eye at Ms. Pearl and then Janae. The rage is building in my throat but I sit silent and not say a word. The nerve of her to sit in my face and just lie. I guess her daughter has it honest.
"Finish what you were saying, Janae."
“ I did dumb things in the past.”
"Yeah, we all do."
" Your mood changed what's wrong."
"Nothing. I’m good just some crazy shit." I glanced over at Ms. Pearl and frown at her. I studied her looks and I resembled her looks. I sucked my teeth and I looked over at Janae.
"What the secret you and Ms. Pearl hiding?"
Her eyes widen and she turned to Ms. Pearl.
"Um, she was just telling me how she use to , um. Ms. Pearl tell him what you told me." I raised my eyebrow and folded my arms.
Janae eyes shifted to Ms. Pearl and she looked at Jensen.
“I was telling Janae about how great her artwork is and how I met my husband back in the day. I told her I was going to tell you about."
"Wow."it was all the words I could muster up to say after listening to her straight out lie."
"My husband may he rest in peace was a white man and I tell you he loved me with all his heart and soul. During a period people didn't like mixed race couples."
"What are you talking about?"
“ I heard you tell Janae I sure was grandson and I look just like my murderer.” She stuttered and cough.
“I didn’t know you heard that. I wasn’t sure how to tell you and your mother she made a mistake.”
" No disrespect Ms. Pearl but please don’t feed me bullshit .Yeah some things are mistakes and then the stuff like leaving your unborn child on a table to die that isn't a fucking mistake at all. When you make a decision to end a child's life after the first attempt fails then the shit is done on purpose. So for me there is no pass for Mommy dearest. Like I said she is my murderer her attempts in her womb just failed."
"Jensen." I put up my hand and stop her from speaking. Jane gnawed on her finger nail and looks the other way.
"On my life I'm done with your lies."
"I never met to lie to you. I'm sorry." She reached her hand out to him and he pushed it away. She clutched her Bible and lowered her head.
"Don’t go clutching your bible condemning his words. Thou shalt not lie is one of his commandments, right?”fumbling with the pictures.
“You’re right, and I’m wrong.”
“Like I said down in the depot you knew that I was related to you. i bet it was you who told her to let me die that is some grimy shit. Your daughter has pictures of the whole family on Facebook you think I wouldn’t find out who you were. I just thought you might have the courage to tell me instead of some bogus ass story about some white boy."
"Jensen, I didn't know and I would have never told her to let you die."
"Yeah, right and I’m supposed to fall for your innocent bystander role?"
"No, I didn't find out till years later. I try to find you but the last address I had was the one you were living and I went there to find you and you were gone."
"And I am suppose to believe you?"
"I want to be apart of your life it why I..."
"Nah, you don't want shit to do with me because if you did you would have admitted to me you where my grandmother. I don't want to hear how I would have reacted because I gave you no reason to not to tell me."She rambled and to me she was talking a whole lot of nothing in my ear. I put on my headphones and tuned her out.
Janae rested her hand on top of mine and she wipes the corners of my eyes. The tears was stinging because here I was the close to my family than I ever been in my life and she doesn't want me. I take them off and slung them on my lap. I lay my head on her shoulder and then one falls. I took my finger and wiped it away.
"Please don't cry because then I will."
"Nah, I'm good just hit me for a moment all these years I dreamed of having a grandmother and she sitting her pretending she didn't know me people have a fucked up way of showing they want to know me."
"I know."
She lets her dimple peek through and I run my hand through her head. I haven't felt this close to total stranger ever. Maybe because she has opened up to me. I wasn't in the mood to be tripping over her. She was not going to get into my heart and I could see it happening. I lifted my head and moved her hand. Ms. Pearl was over there crying and then I heard Janae say,
"Talk her to please. Maybe she didn't know and maybe she wants to be in your life she is your grandmother."
I huffed and I get up and Janae sat next to Ms. Pearl. She wiped her face and I cleared my throat.
"Nah, I'm not talking to her. She had all the opportunity to share she was my grandmother."
"She's crying over there and you are being mean." I cut my eye at her and suck my teeth.
"Real talk don't try and put this on me because she dropping tears. She the one who lied. I'm done with the situation."
"You’re acting like an ass right now. She is an elderly woman who by the way is your grandmother. Maybe she was scared."
"Scared of what? I helped her off the bus, treated her with kindness and respect I did nothing for her not to speak truth about being my grandmother." I threw on my headphones. She snatched them off my head, her lips poked out and her arms folded.
"I get why you are mad and pissed off but having a tantrum like a five year old isn't going to fix it."
"You have a lot of fucking nerve trying to counsel someone when you run in the bathroom to cut yourself and sniff coke up your nose to fix your problems. You can't counsel me on anything until you fix your own life. Now like I said before I'm done with it."
I stood and grabbed my bags I notice that in the back row was an empty seat. I needed to get away from these broads before I lose it. I look as her shoulders shook with angry sobs. I looked over a d Ms. Pearl is dabbing her eyes with the handkerchief. For a moment I feel numb all over my body. I feel as if my heart has been hit with a large boulder. I was convincein this world I alone and for me it is all right.