When I was about fifteen I remember meeting these popular girls in school and I could remember doing whatever for them to like me. I drew pictures for their room, design jewelry and the back drops for their annual spring party. What I notice was I was never invited to be a friend. They never called me or hung out with me. I being stupid thought I had a bunch of friends until the day the invitation for my sister came for her to attend the spring dance.
I waited and waited by the mailbox, looked in my locker and still no invitation. I watched as my mother came in with the beautiful dress she bought from the Galleria Mall, shoes and accessories for my sister.
"Ma, did anything come in the mail for me?"
"Nope." My sister looked away and avoided looking in my eyes."
"Baby,I'll hang up your beautiful dress and Janae clean up the damn kitchen like I told you for the hundredth time. You such a lazy behind child." She pushed past me and slammed the door.
"Sis, be real with me? Why didn't I get an invite to the party?" She took a deep breath, stuck her thumb in her mouth and twirled her hair.
"They don't like you. And they think you are too fat to fit in. "
"But I thought they were my friends? I painted the pictures, designed their jewelry and everything." She took her thumb out of her mouth and sighed.
"But they still don't like you. I mean they feel sorry for you more than anything. You try to hard and sometimes you do act weird and you do need to lose weight. You want me to be real, right?"
I sucked back my tears, My face and ears felt hot , my eyes stung as the tears tried to cut through my ducts. She realized she hurt my feelings but Big Janae held it back because she knew it was all true." I stood and she ran in front of the door.
"I won't go and I won't hang out with them no more. I will ...."
"Nope, I have some painting to do don't stay on account of me. I'm fine I'm use to being alone."
She moved from the door and she said what put the nail in the coffin killing my self-esteem.
" I wish God would have made you beautiful like me. Mommy said pretty people only stick with pretty people. It is how it is, Janae."
She moved from the door and I walked in the room. I couldn't cry but it was hurting so bad, my heart was felt as if it was cracking in half, my stomach had sharp pains running through it. The words from my grandmother played back that I had bad blood and I needed to cleanse the evil out of my heart. I sat in front of my mirror and threw the brush at it. It cracked in half breaking into tiny pieces. I pick up the glass, extended my wrist and the idea was to kill myself. My hands were shaking but for me I needed to release the dirty blood in my body. I needed to become free so people could like me and love me. Slowly I ran the razor from left to right on the surface of my skin. The blood leaked down my arm to my elbow. I looked in the mirror and it was the first time I prayed to God. I prayed for God to clean my blood and rinse all the ugly out of me. It was the first time I cut myself and after awhile when you're filled with so much pain and hurt it feels real good. It is the way I can feel good, it is a way to avoid crying.
Today after getting off the bus I made sure to avoid Jensen. I walked to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet ready to find a new spot to pierce my skin. I hear a light tap on the door.
I announce,"I'm in here."
"Honey, it's me Ms. Pearl. You alright in there. You been in there for a while."
I dropped the razor in the toilet and flush the toilet. I step out and reply,
"I'm okay."
"You gotta be hungry and they got a Taco Bell and. KFC in here. Come eat with me and talk." I washed my hands and she took me by the arm and escorted me out of the bathroom. It was like she knew .
She order two pieces, a biscuit and diet soda. We sat At the table across from Jensen. He turned his back and ignore our presence.
"He ain't the bit mad at you. I deserved his anger and you can’t defend wrong."
I shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes.
"I don't care Ms. Pearl. He was rude to you."
She sat her cane to the side and folded her hands on the table.
"I was wrong in this situation. I should have told him the truth from the get go."
My cell phone buzzed and it was my mother calling for the hundredth time which means she calling to curse me out. I clicked the ignore and she text immediately asking me to please answer my phone. She rung it again and I pick up.
"Yes Mom!" I hear the agitation in her voice.
"Where are you?"
"Gone like you always wanted me to be." Ms. Pearl turned her head and took a bite of her biscuit.
"I am not going to entertain your snide remarks. I called because I am just so confused on how you can do a stupid stunt like sleep with the councilman and get caught in all this mess. I can't walk outside without reporters, or someone stopping me with questions about your affair with him. Wherever you are stay there because I am tired of you getting into mess you can't get out of."
"Mom, don't worry your wish is my command."
"Janae, you messed up the lives for Robert and his wife. I wish you were more like your sister."
"I guess it just bad blood running through my veins. I don't need reminders of how messed up I am, Ma. I already know it don't worry I'll stay away." I ended the call and swallow back the pain, I took a sip of my pop and cleared my throat. Ms. Pearl touched my hand and I pulled it back and faked a half smile.
"You alright, honey."
"Um. Yeah sure," My voice cracked. Jensen looked at me and I turned my chair around.
"Those cell phone so loud I heard her and I dont mean to be nosey."
I close the box of chicken and put it in the plastic bag.
"She never liked me I was problem child the one with the wrong complexion, and fat body."
"That no reason for a parent not to love her child."
"It's okay and I really don't want to discuss it. Excuse me, I have to use the restroom."
I pushed myself up and walked to the bathroom, this depot bathroom in Texas is clean, there is toilet paper in the stall and the scent of Pine-sol and bleach filled the air. I look through my phone and no more calls from Robert or nasty texts from his wife. I hear the chatter of two women I search through my purse and find an envelope with a little bit of blow. I take my fingernail and sniffed it up and taste it on my tongue. It stings my nostril as I take one more sniff in the other. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, wrinkle my nose and sniffle. My head feels light, I feel different more relax. A tall, heavy set black, wearing a cowboy hat covering her long blond braids and two large suitcases. She washes her hand and begins to sing. Her voice has a southern twang like a country singer. She is singing Jesus take the wheel. Her voice is angelic with a country twang. She stops and flashes her white teeth.
"Howdy, I sometimes just break out in song and all. I don't mean to be rude." I run my hands under the soap dispenser and then under the water.
"No, you sound awesome. I've heard of that song before."
"Jesus take the wheel is my all- time favorite song. It the song I'm going to sing for America's got talent. I dream of being a country western singer."
It was rare to hear a about a black woman wanting sing country western music. She had talent and it sounds good. It was original and soulful.
"Wow, I never heard of a black woman wanting to sing country western."
"There was Dona Mason and Rissi Palmer. One day me Reba Clara Bell Gilbert
Will one day hold the No. 1 spot on the billboard I'm just clucking like a chicken and how rude of me not to introduce myself. "
" Well I’m Reba Clara Bell Gilbert. I was name of the most best country singer in the world. Reba McEntire. I just love her so.” She holds her hands against her chest twitching back and forth.”
“ I’m Janae.”
“What parts you from?”
“Buffalo, New York.”
“ I'm from right here. I’m from Irving, Texas. New York man I can’t wait to go the big city and sing at Madison Square Garden and I will be the opening act for Reba McEntire. I see it, Janae.”
“ You have a lot of Confidence.”
“Why thank you I get that from Big Mama cause she say we as women don’t exercise our girl power.” She primped and spray some wet stuff in her braids. She slicked down her baby hair and show all her pearly whites.
“Well, you have a beautiful voice and I wish you the best.”
I walked out and Jensen was leaning against the wall talking to a petite young lady with long wavy hair. He looked over at me and then her. She wore shorts that were way up her butt crack, an American flag tank top, jewel headpiece around her head and black boots. She ran her fingers down his chest and he whispered something in his ear. Ms. Pearl was standing on line at the depot.
“I am in awe of how sexy you are, Brick.” She said in a baby like voice.
“Thanks, Ma. I’m saying I’m going to California you can sit next to me. We can get more acquainted.” He wrapped his arms around her and they walked over to the bus depot. I sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes. A tinge of jealousy came over me. I stood behind them on line and she slipped her hand behind his butt and tucked her hand in his back pocket grabbing his wallet. Jensen was so busy selling his rap game the grey eye dummy couldn’t tell the stink hussy was robbing him.
“ Sexy, I have to hit the ladies room before I get on the bus and when i get back mad head all night long.” She walked fastand I followed here and I snatched her by her hair.
“I saw what you did, bitch.”
She y began screaming.
“Help me.”
“ If you don’t give back my man’s wallet I will beat your ass bloody.”
I pulled at her hair harder and she spit on me. I slapped her across the face. I throw her to the floor and smack her again for being a disrespectful thief and for spitting on me. Jensen ran out and pulled me off her. The people gather around and folks were on there cell phone. Two security officers gather around them and push me against the wall. Reba came out and put her hand on her hip.
“What the fuck are you doing, Janae?” His nostril was flared, his lips turned up and he is chuckling.
“Check your back pocket, your chick stole your wallet, playboy.” He ran his hands and patted his pocket of jeans. He checks his side pockets and his hoodie. The security guards approach us , her face has my hand print on it.
“What happen here?”
“She stole my boyfriend I mean my friend’s wallet. While standing on the line she and him were flirting and she took his wallet. Check her purse and I bet you’ll find his wallet. Reba chimed and said,
“That her scam out here in these parts. She Vanessa from Irving she goes all around to the bus depots and train station stealing people's wallets.” The security guard takes her bag and she yells,
“She hit me because the fat cow mad I was taking her man.” I walked up to her again and raised my hand. Jensen grabbed it and pulled it down. The officer open her purse and dumped it out on the floor. It was several wallets inside. They look through each one of them and handed Jensen his. The police came and the security explained the situation. They smirk and handcuffed her.
Jensen stuffed his wallet in his duffel bag and walked away. Reba started to cackle and said,
“You knock the snot out her nose you smacked her so hard. Is he your boyfriend?”
“Nope just some dumb ass guy I met on the bus I thought was my friend.”
“You called him your boyfriend.”
“He is a boy and I thought he was my friend.” We walked and stand on line. He shuffles through his bag and pulls out his phone. He doesn’t look my way and right now I can’t stand him.
“I think you like him.” I rolled my eyes and turned from her.
“I don’t like him.” He turned to me and raised his eyebrow.
“Yall like each other I don’t see a bit of hate between you two. I know love cause my Ernesto and I have love so thick and strong. He the one I am going to be staying with. He from here but move out there to work at some fancy car shop because he design custom cars like the show pimp my ride. He is my king.
Ms. Pearl nodded her head and I turned from both of them. They were getting on my nerve talking about us liking and loving. I just met the man one day ago and there is no such thing as love at first sight. We don’t have no fairy tale being written.Jensen or Brick whatever the hell his name is just man I met.
“So, if you don’t like him why did you smack the bejesus out that woman?”
“He did the same for me the other day. I am just returning the favor. My debt to him is paid in full.”
Jensen handed the lady his ticket and he stepped on the bus. It was a newer bus and the leg space seems wider and it had on the video, Temporary home. Reba begin singing the song, Brick stops and the bus just stares at her. Her voice fills the voice, sends a chill through my spine, and Brick lowers his head. The bus was half filled and Reba sat next to a cute Mexican with wavy hair still singing. Ms. Pearl and I sat together and Jensen sat in front of us. He had no one sitting next to him. The music was blaring out of his headphones the song Reba was singing, he was writing down something. He ripped out the paper and folded it in half. He looked back and handed it to me.
I took it from his hand and our fingers touch I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. He turn back around and I open it.
Dear Janae,
On the real thank you for getting my wallet back and I want to apologize for saying that hurtful shit to you. I was just pissed off at Ms. Pearl I still am and I was piss at you defending her actions. Even though you got a smart-ass mouth, and a stink attitude I think you are cool chick. Another thing I heard you calling me your man. What’s really good?
I don’t want to beef with you this whole ride because it is not what I am all about. I just want to make peace.
Jensen Brick McCall.
I read it twice and I can’t help but smile. Ms. Pearl cuts her eye at us and winks. Who gave him permission to make me feel all warm and gushy inside? I look through my bag and pull out a pen. I can’t believe in the day and age of texts messages he is writing me a letter. So I reply back and write.
Jensen,
I don’t want beef and I didn’t call you my man but the apology is appreciated. I wasn’t defending her I just wanted you to see she made a mistake. She is your grandmother and maybe you should talk it out. You have a stinker attitude and a smart ass mouth too. I guess it why we bump heads. Look, I want to make peace with you, too. You seem pretty decent. My cell number is 716-555-4068 you can text me.
Janae.
I hand him back the paper he opens it and glances over it. He pulls out his phone and ten seconds later a text comes through.