I am holding her and I am not about to fall in love with Ms. Janae. I have to admit she gained mad respect peeping old girl taking my wallet. I felt real bad snapping at her on the bus and hurting her feelings. I watched her walk in the bathroom and I wonder if she cut herself or took a hit of drugs. I never had room in my life for love. These broads now a days are off the chain and I can honestly say I never been in love. I like a chick but love was for weak dudes and I am not weak. Reba moves up and sits behind Janae. I hear her greet herself.
“Good Morning Ma’am. I was wondering if you be so kind to let me sit upfront with you?”
“I don’t mind at all.”
“My name is Reba Clara bell Gilbert and yours ma’am?”
“My name is Ginger Pearl. Your name sounds familiar are you related to Betty Jean Gilbert?” She shrieks and covers her mouth.
“Why yes she is my auntie.”
“As I leave and breathe your auntie is an old friend of mine out in Irving. I remember you as a little girl who sung in the church choir. How ya Mama?”
“She is still just as feisty and sassy. I got to call Mama right now."
Reba is loud as hell and that cackle she calls a laugh is annoying. I bet Ms. Pearl regrets letting her sit next to her. Janae is sleeping. I close my eyes and the phone rings. I look at it and officer name pops up. I hesitate and answer,
"Speak to me."
"Jensen, glad you answered. Are you there yet?"
"Nope!"
"I thought about you and was worried since you hadn't call."
"I'm good besides my legs being cramp it all right trip."
"I called to tell you some bad news. Five dollar, Jermaine and Andrew was killed last night. Sorry.”
I hold back the pain inside of me, my heart races and I keep flashing back to the thought yet again I cheated death." I swallow the lump in my throat, want to scream but instead I ask,
"Who did it? Those dudes from Bricktown?"
"Yeah. Don't do this to yourself. Getting out of the 'Cuse and away from the life. You are alive because God wanted it that way."
"That was all my friends, damn it man. I need to."
"Stay on that bust and move on. I know it hurts and I'm sorry for your loss."
"Yeah it just hurts to keep losing people, man. I grew up with them since I was a little kid and nobody live past twenty-six. " My eye stings. The thought pops in my head why do I keep ducking death? Two days ago, I planned on going to with them to Jewel's party for a goodbye celebration but my bus ticket was for the same day.
"I did some research on your mother and I found some startling news."
"What?"
The call paused and then I heard his wife calling his name.
"I got to go the wife is screaming about the gutters and garbage."
I hang up and I think back to when I first met Five dollars,Maine and Drew. I was staying at the Byrd's house and they kicked me out because I wouldn't clean up the dog's shit who seem to have diarrhea. I was dripping wet and they invited me in, gave me some dry clothes and food to eat. These dudes were the first to treat me like a human being. Memories of the days we play the dozens and the rules where not to talk about any one's Mama because all of our Mama was either dead, on drugs or didn't want us. The days we play basketball and run up the hills, and the shit wasn't fair they all are gone. I fought real hard not cry but these tears were angry tears because I told this e dudes to leave brick town alone. Yet, they did it and now they gone.
"I'm sorry to hear about your friends. My condolences."
"People die everyday except me." I felt the warm liquid running down my face and I felt an even warmer hand wipe them away. I stood straight ahead because I don't do this shit and within two days I was crying like some chick.
"You are here for a reason. "
"Yeah and what reason is that. I've heard that shit all my life and why. No one knows why." She flashes a wide smile and announces.
"To get on your damn nerves or maybe to keep me in check." I pinch her cheeks and there it was again that feeling of liking my new number one pain in the ass.
"Maine, Drew and Five dollars always had my back like I had there's. Five dollars got shady after awhile when he started using Water I still love them dudes like brothers . They were the only family I had. The rest of them are in jail serving 20, 30 and forty year sentences. It just fuck up." Her hand rested on my thigh, she and I were facing one another and this time I couldn't break my gaze from her. I begin to notice the small mole on her neck, the curve of her lips, and that around her nose she had pink discoloration from sniffing that shit. Her crinkly hair was all over the place as if we just having a wild sex. I notice that she had bedroom eyes so I understood why the councilman wanted her. She licked her lips whenever she was ready to speak and she had the cutest dimple in her left cheek.
I put my hand on tops of her and patted it. I gently scratch it and then I interlock my fingers with her.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Did you get high or cut yourself while in the bathroom at the depot?"
She lets go of my hand and takes a deep breath.
"Yes, I don't want to lie to you."
"Which one was it?"
"I got high."
She lower head and I felt anger rise in me but I knew why.
"Because of the call from your mother?"
She nodded her head yes.
"On another day and hour I would lecture you but on some real shit you can't get high every time someone hurts your feelings. "
" I don't know how to handle it the pain."
"No one does shit right now I'm hurting real bad but I suck it up. Because life mishaps, death and lost are inevitable. Back in the day whenever I was hurting about anything I use to fight and break dudes backs in half was my mentality. The thing is after I did I was still angry, I was still hurting I'm saying I just don't want to hear about you ending up dead in La."
"It’s not like I'm addict or anything I can stop."
"Then do it then stop letting it be your tears. Cry all damn day if you need to but stop putting that shit up your nose. I’ve seen too many smoking water and losing their mind as well as their soul because they thought they wasn’t addicted. Anything you can’t willingly stop is an addiction.”
“What’s water?” She scratch her head.
“Water is marijuana cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid, sometimes also laced with PCP . In L.A. it’s called Sherm, illy or dank. In the ‘cuse it was water and I watch dudes get beat with bats, and still walk because they can tolerate pain, watch them foaming out the mouth, paranoia thinking rats was crawling all over them. I seen what drugs do and for me I’m a watcher I knew I never wanted anything to have that much of a hold on me.”
“I never heard of it in Buffalo.”
“It’s out there but on the low because it is not popular out there as it is in the ‘cuse , L.A and small backwood suburbia. ”
“Why do you care so much?We just met?”
It was a damn good question. Why did I care for a stranger I barely knew? It was something about Ms. Janae Morris through her bad attitude and rough layers I could still see her childlike innocence. I could picture her being my woman because two misfits could make a beautiful couple. She was misguided and hurt just as I was. She felt good to be around though she gives me endless attitude. I blow out a big breath and say,
“You are worth caring for? People don’t tell the misfits, the lost and broken people that enough. Most people don’t have the courage nor the time to help a lost soul unless it has a check attached, makes them look good in the media or around the holidays. I know there are a few but they come in handfuls. The rest of the people do it for show and tell. It is easy to turn your back on a person with a ton of issues and drama but for me. Ms. Grace took me a black boy, half dead and raised me like her own. No matter how her husband, her family and friends felt about her raising a black boy in a white world. So when I look at you I see your worth just like Ms. Grace saw mines.”
I took her hand and held it again to reassure her that what I was saying was not bullshit. It was real because I lived in ten foster homes and nobody care for me but Ms. Grace. Those other families saw me as a guest, a burden and most of all a check.
“You don’t believe people help you from the goddness of their heart?”
“I mean a few people have and I won’t take that away but I lived around selfish people in the foster care system to know I was a charity case, a check and picture opportunity moment for them to look good at their church,on T.V. and newspaper. After I was the uninvited guest.”
“I can understand why you would feel like that. What happen to Ms. Grace?”
“ I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
It was hard to digest seeing a woman who had it all fall by the waste side because of her no good husband. To watch a woman be broken down and later found dead but still living. To forget I needed her and she was the only mother I knew. It is why I hate drugs so much because I watch with my own eyes what it could do to you. I watch her die and she allowed me to live
Janae pulled in closer to me and we did this staring contest. The type you see in romance movies, the sun was rising, the music from Pandora was playing a Boyz II Men jam, and I wanted to kiss her so I move my lips closer and then the loud shriek of Reba’s voice and her hands clapping fucked up the mood.
“Yall look so adorable. I knew it Janae you two falling in love.” I can feel her knee in my back and Ms. Pearl was just smiling. Janae and I separate from our embrace. I clear my throat.
“Can you stop kneeing me in the back, damn chick.”
“Oh my Lawd, I’m so sorry. I am just so exciting to see a love story right in front of my face. It is so beautiful.”
“Good Morning, Ms. Pearl.” She perk up and smile.
“Good Morning, Jensen.”
I stretch and stood up. I needed to go to the bathroom. I stumble as the bus hit a bump. On the scream they had fifty first dates on and I kind of like the movie. I went in and took a piss. I decided it was time to have a conversation with Ms. Pearl. I walk out and Reba is sitting in my seat and Ms. Pearl is reading the bible. I slide in the seat next to her. She looks up and nods her head.
“ I was hurt because you didn’t tell me who you were. I don’t want to leave off this bus full of animosity. I apologize for disrespecting you.” I rose to stand and get my seat back.
“Sit a while and let’s talk this out.”
“Alright go ahead and talk.”
“Jensen, I didn’t know how to address you and say I’m your grandmother. Your mother I sent her out to New York for a while because she and I didn’t get along. I mean she hated everyone and the fact I marry a white man was more of a conflict. The fact her younger brother was white. She resented my choice.”
“ I resent her choice listen no disrespect the sad stories about her I don’t want to hear about her past.”
“She was eighteen at the time and scared of my reaction.”
“Can we not discuss this anymore? Ms. Pearl I came into this world as an unwelcome guest, lived in homes where people didn’t want me there or mistreated me. She took away the opportunity for me to have a family. I turn to gangs because of me but I also turn to them because I needed a family where I felt welcome. You tell me how it feels to walk in a house and there are no pictures of you, nothing of your likeness, the times people would take family portraits and push you to the side? I know how the fuck it feels to sit in a house with complete strangers who only care about the check they getting but don’t spend it on you. To sit in an agency and wait and hope for someone to adopt you and love you. All I ever had close to real love was Ms. Grace and then she goes and dies on me. She called her three times and she turned deaf ear that I needed a mother. My murderer offer me the life of foster care and I never did a damn thing to her or ask her to come on this earth. I paid for her mistake of fucking some dude who is my father raw. I don’t mean to be disrespectful but right now I find it real hard to have any sympathy for my murderer. It takes a heartless person to walk in an abortion clinic at six months, have them shoot solution to burn your child to death. To see after all that I was still alive and to look at me on the table still moving and walk away and never feel an ounce of guilt for attempted murder. She stop loving me the minute I was conceived.”
She wiped her eyes and held my hand. I was hurting and my throat felt dry, the pain in my heart that she never wanted me. Janae looked back at me and I lower my head.
“Jensen.”
I stood up and cleared my throat. I was past emotional I was pissed off.
“Forget I exist. It seems to be every one's in your family protocol anyway.”
" I don't want to forget you exist. I want to be apart of your life."
I ran my hand over my beard and I answer,
"You are already apart of my life. I went to the bathroom earlier and I saved all of the pictures to my cell. I looked at the pictures and you were holding your grandchildren in your lap. I felt some type of way because I never had the experience to sit on your lap or spend nights at your house. I missed out on so much. I needed you to admit that you accept me in your life."
She turned and she wraps her arms around me.
"You are welcome into my life. You know I miss time with you too. She took that from
me but I can't hold on to yesterday all I can do is do right by you today."
I hold her tight and she kisses my forehead.
"That what I needed to hear." She handed me a pouch and I open it was a blue crystal."
"It has healing powers. Keep it on you at all times."
"Thank you."
"Go over and sit next to your girlfriend and bring that loud mouth child, Reba back next to me."
"Why do you feel like me and Janae are going to hook up?"
She looked over at Janae who was drawing a picture. She smiled and places her hand over my heart.
"It is destined and I see how you two look at one another. You’re not some soft man, Jensen. You don't let many people in but you let her in."
"We just talking when this bus ride is over we will go our separate ways and I
Will never see her again."
"I don't think you two will separate at all. I see so much more than that she needs you. I saw her arms and she is hurting bad inside her heart. God can help her heal but she needs to know just like you she isn't alone."
"You are a wise woman."
"It comes from age, and many mistakes I learn from. Life is just a big classroom and at every opportunity it teaches you something but it is up to you to learn from your experiences."
I get up and walk over and she closes her book.
"Are you two good now?" he nods his head and he peeks over at my book.
"Yep. What are you drawing?"
"I can't show you because it isn't done."
"Thank you." He pinched my cheek and ran his finger to my chin.
"Just thank you."
"You are welcome."