Snitching to save my life
In an hour I will step off this bus and face the past so I can move on. I have no home, I have not figure what it is I am going to do in LA. I am simply tipping on faith. I took a punk move but that move kept me from being dead two days ago. I didn't come out here broke because I have enough to start my life over. I am not I. Search of any handouts so when Ms. Pearl offered me the chance to stay in her rooming house I turned her down because I don't want no hand outs, three I want to thrive out here knowing I made it.
Some of the shit Ms. Grace taught me as a kid was always save and keep your credit straight. She advise me with good credit and money for a rainy day you never be stuck or broke. So while other dudes in the 'cuse was splurging on bullshit like jewelry, clothes and hoes I wore basic sweats, tee shirts and sweatshirts in the winter. I invested in two pair of dress pants, two white shirts, two ties and a good pair of dress shoes. I learn a long time ago to take care of my clothes because living the way I do they come sparingly. I have a bank account, savings account, my driver's license and my certification in security. The truce team offered classes at the community center on business and security certification s.
So I have a plan and a back up plan. I want to go back to college and get my degree in Security Management. I am one of the dudes that luck out and never got no felonies. I was pick up on petty shit but when the major felony came I took the get out of jail for free card and got on the Greyhound.
The only thing I splurge on was these beats headphones by Dr. Dre. I love music and it what keeps me calm in a bad situation. I let Janae listen to them while I peep this whole situation. She is singing off key a song by Rihanna and it is kind of cute the way she pops her finger, moves her head side to side. Reba taps me on the shoulder and I turn around to look at her. She has a wide grin on her face, several layers of make-up and bright red lipstick on.
"Good Mawning I didn't crawl in the haystack with you."
"Morning."
"So Ms. Pearl is your grandma. I see the resemblance."
"Okay and?"
"I just sorry how..." Ms. Pearl cut her off and gave her a side eye look.
"Your Mama taught you better than to pry in other folks business. Mind your matters or I'll call her."
She mumbled,"yes ma'am."
Ms. Pearl winked at me and I reach my arm over to touch her hand. She squeezes it and only a grandmother could shut Reba up. She was my grandmother and she wasn't someone I borrow. She was my flesh and blood if nothing else this would be the best part of the trip meeting her. I turn back around and Janae is drawing a picture of a house surrounded by palm trees, paved streets and it is her and I standing holding hands. I smirk and she slams it close.
"You are so nosey, dang."
"It is plain view site for me to see."
"I know I'm going to stay at Ms. Pearl's what about you?"
"I'll find a place to go even if it a hotel.
"Oh."
She hands me the headphones and she leans her head back looks into the sky."
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
I'm scared that I might not make it in LA. I mean the rents high, hard to find a job and will people like me?
"Why wouldn't they like you?"
"I'm this artsy, nerd and I'm in the land of the skinny being a big girl in a town where I will be alone."
"You won't be alone. You have my cell hit me up and I come check you."
She turns her lips up.
"You won't I worked your nerves too bad on this bus trip."
"Yeah you did but on the real call or text me. If you staying at my grandma' spot then we'll see each other."
"Why won't you come?"
"I'm my own man and I need to sort this out with my murderer. Stuff seems unsettled to me still."
"You want to know why?"
"Yeah. I can deal with her having an abortion and okay it didn't take but to look at me on a table. I don't even want to talk about I will get mad all over again."
I look at my phone and there is the phone ringing. I pick up and I hear back ground noises of loud music and then her voice appears.
"Hey sexy you can't call nobody."
Annoying Anita from Ridgeway projects was a chick I mess around with back in the day. She was the type of chick you smash and then the next morning get up and realize you made a mistake. She would follow me around and any chick she think would look at me she'd beat up. She was sweet and the loving was on point but on the other hand she crowded my space.
"Hey love what's good?" Janae looks over and then looks out the window.
"All you baby. I haven't seen you on the block. I miss you baby."
"I miss you too with your crazy ass."
"Brick, I'm sorry about Your whole set being taken out."
"I appreciate that."
"You coming to they funeral?"
"I can't I'm out of town."
"Where."
I'm out of town it is all you need to know."
She sucked her teeth and Janae eyes haven't come off me. Her face frown up like a jealous girlfriend .
"Remember back in the day you come up to my place and I strip you naked and we'd fuck until the dawn's early light?"
"Those were the days I'd make you come like seventy five times in one day."
"Boy, I sure do miss you.come back to the 'cuse."
"I need to take care some things where I'm going and if it doesn't work out. You are the first person I'm coming to see. You know I got love for you, Ma."
She giggle and she was sharing my words to her friends. I cut my eye over and Janae was shaking her leg, her arms folded and nose scrunched up.
"You better boy. Im going to call you tonight."
I hung up and I nudge her.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Aww... Are you jealous?"
"Boy please! Pfft. You are not my man."
"So why the mood swing?"
"I don't want to hear you talking about you and your floozy escapades."
"Girl, stop tripping and admit you are checking for me."
She let that dimple peek out and clears her throat.
"You are so into yourself right now. I am not checking for you." She folds her arms and rolls her eyes.
"You still crazy for the old dude who played you?"
"No, I don't know. I mean he was my first and it's stupid."
"Talk."
"I just thought he would be my only person I'd sleep with."
She lower her head and I turn her to face me.
"You will meet someone who will love you like you deserve."
"When?"
"I can't say when or where but you will."
"Have you ever been in love?"
"This one woman who was like five years older than me. I was twenty and I just thought this was it. I was just her fling until her husband came out of jail. I was doing crazy shit like helping with her kids, cooking and running bath water. Two weeks before he came home she put me out and I felt mess up for a minute."
"Have you ever had your own home?"
"Never."
"I want to help you have your own home."
"What?"
"We just met but I going to make a deal with you as long as I have a place to live you never will be without a home. I don't care if I'm married, or whatever you can live with me for a lifetime."
"Don't play like that for real don't say shit you don't mean."
"I'm not saying shit I don't mean. I don't ever want you to be homeless or feel like you don't have a home because I care."
I began to feel a feeling that I was pushing aside. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to kiss her been wanting to since I first met her.
"Why?"
She sat up and looked me in the eye. She did something unexpected, the Hollywood sign we saw high on the hills. She leaned over and kisses me on my cheek, wrapped her arms around me. I felt comfortable in her embrace and so I wrap my around her. I kiss her on the cheek back.
"Because I am checking for you."
"I knew it."
She lay her head on my shoulder and took me by the hand. We were in LA. The traffic was back up, the sound of horns honking, women brushing their hair, putting on makeup while stuck in traffic. I could see a big cloud of smoke which was the smog, the sun was strong. I lean over and I lifted her chin, brought my face to hers and we kissed. She open her eyes and I wanted her to stay in my life . I didn't need her here I had to fix my past and start my life. She was not apart of the plan. I take a deep breath and I hear her sob.
"What's wrong?"
She looks over at her phone and then me. They found Robert dead with a single self- inflicted wound to the head.
All over Facebook was R.I.P Robert Walters. His picture all over social media. My name linked with his and his wife. She admitted to shooting him in the head. I sit in the room Mrs. Pearl has given me staring at the wall, my eyes feel hot and gummy, my throat scratchy and my nose running. Mrs. Pearl has been as sweet as can be she has done nothing but take care of me. She killed him my first love.
All over the news she confessed to killing him because she was tired of the affairs and lies. She talked about my betrayal of her friendship and trust. Her anger seeped through each word. The words that ate my spirit was she still loved me and prayed for me. She couldn't hate me or any of the other women who had fell under his love spell. She admitted she too was blind. I listen to the in depth interview and the reporter who I spoke to told me to get gone.
"You're husband was loved and respected in the community but after the video, after the countless of women who spoke of him. You don't think he might of pursued them? His infidelity was going on for several years of your marriage. Each of them admitting that they had no clue he was married. Do you fault them?"
She was dressed in a orange jumpsuit, hands shackled, her short mane looked wild, her lips chapped and her eye blackened. She swallowed and took a deep breath.
"They all knew especially Janae. I brought him to her art show and she shook his hand. She knew and it is devastating to know a woman the same woman you tried to help pull out the gutter will stab you in the back."
"Your feelings are just and understandable yet you've seem to not blame your husband. He was wrong."
"They pursue him because of his status, his money and destroying our happy family."
" You don't see the fact that he may have use his power to sleep with these women. I mean I'm way out of line but I am playing devil's advocate."
" Why did you kill your husband?"
"Rage, hatred and anger mixed with love."
"And for the women who slept with your husband."
"Nothing but I am sure he did to them what he did to me left us broken. All of us where his fools. I have nothing to say but I forgive them."
"What did he do to you that he did to them?" She leans closer to Dr. Walters.
"The very reason I killed him and he destroyed my life. He took my soul and my freedom " Her pupils became dilated, she smirked and jingled the chains binding her hands."
I turn off the video playing on the local news station. I sob, feel like a heel,the worst person on earth goes to me. The embarrassment of knowing I was a home wrecker. My mind wandering on what he gave her. Robert and I always used condoms even during oral sex. We played it safe more because he feared getting me pregnant and I feared the same. I gnawed at my fingernails, my heart was palpating and my soul is on fire. I took a deep pained breath and closed my eyes. Every sound annoyed me and there I go again cutting at my legs.
My cell phone has rung off the hook and I refuse to answer it. Mother and sister calling me like they care. I 've cut myself on my legs, my thighs and I want to get high bad. I need to escape the hurt, the pain of losing him. I have to get out of here and get something. I stand up and walked to the shower, I feel nauseated and feel chills running through my body. I turn on the hot water let run over my body, I soap up and the cuts on my legs burn. I can smell the scent of fried chicken and waffles. I step out and I hear Brick's deep voice. I have ignored him since I 've been here. He knocked a few times but I refuse to answer. I didn't want the lecture.
I lotion up and put on a simple blue sundress to hide the scars. My eyes are still swollen and red. I crack open the door and Brick is standing there with Black shorts, white v-neck shirt, his baseball cap backwards and those Jordan sandals. He turns towards me and lowers his head and sighs.
" You've been cutting yourself?"
I frown and suck my teeth.
"Stop questioning me like you're my father. I don't have to answer to you at all." I snap.
He crosses his arms and leans against his room door.
"I'm not your daddy but I care. Now answer the damn question without a smart ass remark." He raised his eyebrow and taps his foot. I twist my lips and look away from him.
"Tsch, leave me alone, Brick." I wave him off and begin walking towards the stairs. He extends his arm and stops me in my tracks.
"I know it is why you have been avoiding me. He ain't worth all those damn tears and harming yourself." I push him away and run down the stairs. I hear his large footsteps follow behind me. He stands in front of me.
"Regardless of what you think I lost someone I loved. Yes, he hurt me but I still love him and I wish for one second it was me." I sob deeply and once again I am letting the waterworks fall.
He took his strong arms and wrap them around my shoulders. He cradled me into his arms and for some stupid reason I turn to lay my head on his chest. I can smell his cologne and he rocks with me.
"Shit, I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted you to know that you are not worth cutting yourself up over anybody."
“I mess up his life, and...”
He cuts me off and wipes my tears with his fingers. They feel rough but spark an emotion deeper than my sorrow.
I take a deep breath and I gasp for air as he lifts my chin.
" You eat today?"
I shrug my shoulders and shake my head no.
" Eat with me ."
We both walk into the restaurant decorated with pictures of celebrities who ate here, wood tables, the scent of barbecue, chicken frying, waffles with blueberries. Cakes sat in the decorative glass, music playing sounds of classic 90's music.
We sit at the booth near the window. The palm trees sway from the small breeze and the waitress with extra large boobs and greasy apron comes to the table. Mrs. Pearl waves and singles for the waitress to serve us whatever we want. I look at the menu and Brick is staring at the brown skin woman who walks in the door. His shifts in his seat , cracks his knuckles and sucks his teeth.
I study her face and she looks just like him. I stare at Mrs. Pearl who points at Jensen. she whips her head around, grab the bag of food and storm out the door.
"That was your murderer wasn't it?"
He shifts in his seat. The waitress brings two large glasses of sweet tea with chunks of lemon.
"Yep."
"I thought you came here to see her?"
He orders the beef ribs, mac and cheese, mixed greens and cornbread. I order the Chicken and waffles.
"I did and right now I am too angry to approach her."
"So you gonna answer my question?"
He folds his arms and stresses his long legs out.
"Yes and I don't know why I keep doing it. All I know is when I am hurt I cut. When I am angry I cut."
I lower my head and a few tears drop.
"Robert isn't coming back he's dead so no matter how many times you cut yourself he still gone be dead. Just like the fact the woman who birth me will never acknowledge me as her son. I refuse to let her steal my joy. I have a grandmother who welcomes and accepts me. I have a life to live and so do you Janae. You came out here to start over , right?"
I nod my head and the waitress places our food in front of us.
" Is that a yes or no?"
"Yes, I came here to start over."
" Count your blessings a week ago getting off the bus you could have been arrested. You could have overdose somewhere and lastly homeless in L.A. You're not a suspect for murder which could have happen but his wife admitted to the crime. It not all that bad."
He takes my hand and we begin to pray over the food. He raises his head and cuts into the meat.
"I didn't know you where religious."
"I believe in God. It's why I am here today."
Mrs. Pearl walks over and squeezes next to Jensen. She kisses his forehead and touches his hand.
"I'm sorry." He raises his hand and stops her.
"Never apologize for another person's actions including your own child."
"I know and how's the food."
"Delicious."
"It's is good Mrs. Pearl." She blushes and pulls at her medallion hanging on her neck.
"I need some help and I was wondering if I can hire you two. I don't pay a lot but I know it will help."
"You don't have to I'll help."
"Me too."
" Where doing a fundraiser for someone special who's not doing well and I need your help."
"I'm down whose the sick person?"
She hestitates, folds her hands on the tables
"Your mother Jensen?"
He shove the plate and he glared at Ms. Pearl. He runs the toothpick in between his teeth and gnaws on it.
" Are you asking me to help out a woman who won't even acknowledge I'm alive? Hell No. Excuse me?"
"Here me out , please." Mrs. Pearl pleaded
"Go ahead but I'm still not helping her."
"She need a kidney transplant and the bills are awful high and it is the right thing to do."
" The right thing to do, really. She hasn't done right by me her own son sitting in front of her. She wouldn't acknowledge me. Please Mama Pearl don't run that on me."
" I know it is crazy to ask but maybe you doing good will help her see you."
"Mrs. Pearl I guess next you want me to get tested to see if I'm a match?"
I listen as they go back and forth.
"It would be your choice Jensen."
"Excuse Mrs. Pearl I'm losing my appetite. It is why you came looking for me to save her life. To give her a damn kidney."
He slammed the door and cursed under his breath.
" That is not true. I knew that would be out of the question I wanted to know you. Show you that I love you."
He sucked his teeth and blew out air. My cell was ringing and followed a text's message marked Urgent and call me,
I excuse myself from the conversation. I dial her number and she picks up in a one ring. Her voice was full of anger and disgust.
"You see the mess you've caused. First the drugging and now you are a whore.You see how you messed up lives?
No hello, no how are you. She just goes right in tearing me apart. I am her disappointment.
"Mom, he ruined my life too. I made a mistake."
"That seems to be your song at all times. Some of your mistakes cause permanent damage. You better thank God you was gone and she admitted to the murder of that man. I call you to tell you that me and your step father talk about it and prayed on it. You are no longer welcome in our home and or our lives. You keep too much negative energy around you."
"You've wanted me out of your family for the longest."
"You've given me every reason not love you or like you."
" Okay is there anything else you want to say?"
" I just hope I don't hear about you dead from drugs or something. Get your life right with The Lord."
She ended the call and I felt numb. I was fired from my family. I turn on On my heels and walk over to the booth. Jensen and Mrs. Pearl are still talking.
" I'm going to take a walk and sight see California. I need to clear my head. Where do I go Mrs. Pearl?"
"You can go down to Chrenshaw Blvd. You and Jensen can cruise the mall and Janae they have this large mural with Some beautiful art of black leaders. Take my car Jensen. "
He cut his eye at me and nods his head.
"Alright. Give me five minutes. Janae come up stairs with me for a minute."
I follow him and I know there is going to be a sermon. He opens his room door. It is neat, it smells like sandalwood and his bed is made. I sit at the desk and he sits on the bed.
" Are you over what happen with old dude?
"No and are you over the stuff with your Mom?
He leans back on the bed , folded his hands behind his head. He stares up at the ceiling fan and he finally spoke,
"No, it's why I have to bury the past. The shit is eating at me and the only way I can do it is face her. I need to know why."
" I know why all the bad things happen to me it is because I make bad choices. My mother fired me told me I had bad energy. Robert is dead....."
He cuts me off and says,
" You are not bad energy and you do make bad choices but that shit with Robert being murdered is because his wife made a choice to take him off this earth."
He sat up and folded his hands between his thighs.
"See I mess up every time."
"Stop the pity party and listen for a minute. The one thing I won't do is lie to you about anything. We all made bad choices shit being in a gang doesn't make me a saint. I did things that I have nothing to be proud of but life happens and you learned from it not drown in it.
I wanted to hug him and the more I am around him I feel closer to him. He and I sit in silence for a few more more moments.
"You think Mrs. Pearl found you to see if you where a match for her daughter don't you?"
"Yep. All these years and not one time did she find me and now she appears out of the blue. It is not a coincidence that she found me out of nowhere. I'm far from stupid."
"My mother wants nothing to do with me either so I guess we have something in common."
"Two misfits who has to put the past to rest. "
He stands and walks close to me. He extends his hand and I put it in his. We are to misfits with parents who don't want us and lives that have issues. Robert flashes in my mind and I wanted him to stay.
" Robert once told me God gives us all a purpose in life and once we find it our time on earth then it is done. I guess I never got it because people die everyday. Some die to early like babies they haven't fulfill anything. I don't have a purpose."
"I don't know I think we all are put on this earth for something good or bad. Some to bring hell so the other person can get out of it.Some people bring heaven so we can see the glory of the good."
"I have no purpose, no dreams and the one of being a famous artist is just stupid. It is a million great artists." I feel like my arms are heavy and it is like a painful lump is in my throat.
"I don't believe that about you. You draw some damn good pictures. I've never met someone who draws so good. it is not stupid to see yourself famous."
"I cut too so I can die. I hate my life and you said to be honest so I am . I have no purpose because I don't understand why God put me on this earth if life was going to be hard. You wouldn't understand."
"How wouldn't I understand?"
"You seem like the type of man who would never let life get you down."
He smirked and ran his hand over his head. He sat in the chair next to me.
––––––––
"For the majority of my life I've watched people I love be taken off this earth either by drugs, murder or suicide. I've cheated death more times than I count.A bullet missing my head by a inch. Wanting to take a hit of something to numb the void and out of nowhere a stranger dropping a bible or saying a prayer for me. I know it was the angel saving me from self destruction. Every Christmas waiting for my murderer to save me from my hell...hole and her not appearing. Do you know how many times I wanted to die? Days I thought about jumping off a building because I couldn't call a place my home or I had nobody to love me.For the life of me Janae I couldn't understand why God spared my life. I was suppose to die at 2 6 weeks old my mother attempted to murder me twice. God has a miraculous way of showing your purpose. He won't let you die because he believes you are suppose to live and there is a reason you are around. That purpose may be to bury the past and let it rest in peace so you can move on. I just know this as long as you are alive your purpose is waiting for you and me. Whatbi
I don't know why but I slide off the chair and sit next to him. I touch his face, trace the outline of his gold tee. I move closer to him, my lips parting, my head moving in and it happens. We kiss softly, his arms around me, his hand tracing the outline of my neck. I moan and shiver as his lips are romancing each part of my nerves. I don't want to stop kissing him or feeling his hands on my body. I hear a small knock on the door and Mrs. Pearl is standing at the door. We separate and he leans his head on the desk.
"I didn't mean to interrupt but I wanted to bring your left overs up and say you where right."
"Right about what?"
"Me finding you so you can give your mother a kidney if you match but it was only part of it.I wanted to get to know you, be apart of your life."
He said nothing he stared at the sky and took a deep breath.
"Okay the answer is still hell no and I can see through your shallow bullshit."
" I love you."
"You love me right now because I may be a match for your daughter."
"I want to get close to you." She extends her arms to hug him and he pushes it away.
"No you don't. Stop lying to me. I'm done with it I will pay you rent."
" I am not accepting your money."
"I'll work it off.You have shit that needs repairing and I'm good at fixing things so. I'll start with broken banister and painting.
She nods her head and huffs. Jensen continues and sighs,
"Make a list of what needs to be fixed.Don't go telling folks I am your grandson either. I am just a visitor in your life. Leave it at that."
He stood up and I followed him.
"I'm okay and I'm cool."
"You're not."
He kissed my forehead and ran his fingers through my hair.
" I'm good see shit like what Ms. Pearl just did I'm use to it.Running game to fulfill their purpose, or get a fucking check. What I look like saving a broad who wanted me dead. Nah, I’m good I don’t need her."
I wrap my arms around his waist and lay on his chest. I kiss his lips again and let out a big sigh.
"I'm trying to see where we are going?"
"Okay, but do me a favor and promise you'll never lie to me about anything.On some serious shit one lie and I won't fuck with you no more. I accept you as you are. I don't care what just tell me the truth."
" I promise but can you forgive Mrs. Pearl."
"Nah."
" You can't bury the past unless you forgive."
"I'm going to see my murderer. I am going to drop you off on Crenshaw Blvd, explore but don't get into no trouble or else."
––––––––
"Okay. Do you want me to come with you?"
––––––––
"No. I have to do this alone but I promise I will catch up with you."
........................................
I sat next to my murderer, she smelled like strawberries, she was dress in a sleeveless yellow sundress and flip flops. Her arm had a large scar, it had its own heartbeat as pulsated through her skin . Her makeup is two shades lighter than her natural complexion. Her hair full of weave from a Brazilian or indian. She was my mother, my murderer and a stranger all in one. Every follicle, every bone, every bit of my soul wanted to hate her. I wanted to curse at her, scream and yell. Instead like a punk bitch I cried. I don't know where the tears came from and who gave it permission to come out of my eyes but they fell heavily on my face.
I looked her over and I could see that she too had slanted eyes like mines, her skin was dark like mine but she had applied make-up that was two shades lighter than her complexion, she wore full make-up in ninety- degree weather and her hair was color blonde at the tips and black. I heard the laughter of my brother and sister watching Nickelodeon. Women jogging, the cars passing by, the smell of lemons and oranges. The neighbors surrounding her home watering the grass, the lawn mower running across the grass and the dog barking. Tension was thick in the air, the humidity made small streaks in her make-up and her mascara run she dabbed it with a tissue. My heart pounded in my chest, the heat and the tension made me gasp for air.
"Look at me." She shook her head no and lowered it. She turned her feet inward, sniffled back her tears and gnawed at her fingernails. I continue,
"You don't own me anything on this earth but an explanation as to why I wasn't worth keeping. You looked at me alive on a cold steel table and told them to let me die. Why ?"
The California heat cause sweat to mix with my tears. I took the white towel and wiped my neck, face and eyes. She took a deep breath, stood up and walked into the house. She was gone for a few seconds and she returned with a bottle of water.She handed it to me and sat at the edge of the seat admiring her feet.
I held it in my hand and said,
"Thank you."
"You wouldn't understand." She patted her head and glanced at me.
"Make me understand."
"What makes it so important now you're grown." She snaps.
"It fucking matters because you are my mother. It matters because I lived without you for twenty-five years of my life so yeah it's pretty damn important to me why my mother wanted me dead And stinking." I yell and she jumps but doesn't move farther from me. I shifted, ran my hand over my face and wiped it on the towel and threw it across my shoulder?"
" It will destroy my family. The truth about you."
"I am your family. Oh I get it you don't want your white husband to know about me. You don't want the world to know Mrs. Perfect has a son she aborted and survive. You want to keep truth buried."
A little girl with butter pecan complexion, long auburn hair and slanted eyes ran up to me. She jumped in our mother's lap and hugged her.
"Mommee. Can I get some ice tream pulleese?"
"It's ice cream and not ice tream. The answer is no. Go in the house and wait until after dinner. The little girl storm off and slammed the door.
"What's my sister's name and do you know my name?"
"Jensen, your sister name is Jessica."
"My brother?"
"Randall."
" So give me my explanation because I am not leaving."
"I was seventeen years old and I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother. I was afraid of what my mama would think. I hadn't told anyone except your father who gave me the money to do it. So I did and I didn't expect you to live. I didn't expect you to be healthy or walking but you did."
She let a single tear roll down her face.
" But I lived and you weren't curious about my life? Who took care of me? You didn't love me."
" You can't love what you didn't know."
"So riddle me this when I was nine years old did you tell Grace you wish she would have let me die?"
She pulled at her dress, closed her eyes and leaned her head back. I could feel my stomach churning, my heart pounding against my chest and my throat closing up.
"Yes.I hate myself for not having the courage to love you simply because you're my son. I'm sorry."
As much as I wanted the truth, and a explanation I couldn't handle it. I throw the bottle across the yard and it burst open running down the concrete. It was like the love in my body trying to erase the fact the woman before would have rather seen me dead.
"I didn't ask to be born and I didn't ask to survive. You fucked old boy and you chose to not to use a condom." I could feel the pulse in my neck throbbing, my breathing became ragged and I punched in the palm of my hand.
"I didn't chose to sleep with that man, okay. I didn't choose any of what happen to me. She sent me to Brooklyn to live with her sister and brother. Her brother took my virginity and he gave me a baby.Your uncle is also your daddy. Looking at you reminds me of that night and it's not your fault at all." With each word she spoke she trembled and her voice cracked.
"What?"
" Uncle Henry molested me for months and I couldn't tell nobody. I look at him during holidays, family functions and dinners. He act as if nothing ever happen."
I take her by the hand and hold it. Ms. Grace once told me love has a way of washing away anger anyday of the week. That I didn't know why my mother left me and if she left it was for good reason. Her words was haunting me all over again.My great uncle was my father. I was a child of incest. A child born out of double sin. Bearing the same blood lines of my uncle. I exhale and inhaled before I can speak again.
"Why didn't you ever tell?" I scratch my head and wipe my neck again.
"I couldn't because I was raise to keep it a secret. I was raised to not mess up the family. I was the troubled child, the darkest in the house and I didn't matter anyway. Mama baby your uncle because he was sick. All these years I had the same disease as him and no one cared. She didn't notice it. Hell, she didn't notice me. I made a lot of mistakes."
"I needed to hear that. I just wanted to hear you are sorry. I can't make you love me as your son and I understand why but I am not him."
I stood up and let go of her hand. She wiped her eyes and she stood up too. I notice the medical alert bracelet and the words "end stage renal disease".
"Do you go to dialysis?"
"Three times a week."
"How long?"
"Three years and counting. "
I tower over her and she looks at me this time. She smiles and I let a small one appear.
"I want to get to know you.I do but I need time."
"When your ready and I didn't come here to cause confusion or hurt you. I just wanted to talk to you. I guess this is..."
"See you soon."
She put her arms around my waist , her head touched my stomach and I found my arms doing the same embracing my mother and my murderer.
I am holding my mother. I am here in a place where love is winning. Where I can see why she left me. I separate because today I accomplished healing. Maybe this will be the only time I hug her or talk to her. I am not sure if she will erase me or embrace me but at least I had the explanation and the opportunity.
I let her go and I turn to walk down the stairs. I pull a piece of paper and write my number on it.
"Use it and call me if you need me to sit with you at dialysis or whatever."
I walked back down the stairs and turned my head. I watched her study the paper and then look at me. She put it in the trash. I started the engine and pulled out. I am in California the land of actresses. She had me convinced for a brief moment.