"He is the father of our baby. He was screwing both of us. Your perfect sister isn't that innocent. I'm sorry but it is the truth."
Ms. Pearl prepared a feast for a king every meat, vegetable, gallons of sweet tea, lemonade, people greeted me with hugs and kisses. My mother sat in the corner holding her children and never looking my way. I look around and I don't see Janae. The smoke of the barbecue pit, the music blasting and folks dancing.
She glares at me and then Ginger Pearl.
––––––––
"Sadie, this is my grandson Jensen but folks call him Brick." She pulls me into her arms and hugs me. She smells like sour pickles and bengay.
––––––––
"This is one handsome boy and I see why they call him Brick. If I was your age I'd snatch you up. How come that child of yours ain't want this baby? She always been selfish. By the way Jensen I am your aunt."
––––––––
"Nice to meet you." I cut my eye at Ms. Pearl and move through the crowd she follows me. I text Janae and wait for her response.
––––––––
"Jensen, can we talk for a minute, please?"
––––––––
"Talk, I don't care."
––––––––
"I am not wrong for wanting to find you and help your mother. I know she wronged you but it doesn't mean to not forgive her."
––––––––
I suck my teeth and roll my tongues against my gums.
––––––––
"How can you fix your face to ask me to save her life when she doesn't want no part of me? It real raunchy for her to not even act like she cares about me at all. I reach out to her and she throws my number in the trash so do you really think she wants my kidney. I did nothing to her but live and now you asking me to give her life to someone who wanted me dead that makes me no sense."
––––––––
I walk up the stairs and the door is open. Janae is lying on the floor, blood all over the carpet, she is past out on the floor. I slide to the floor, dial 911 and I hold her in my arms. The ambulance, Ms. Pearl, my family cover their mouth.
––––––––
"Why are you doing this to me? Please don't take her away from me, please don't take another person I care about away from me."
––––––––
Janae head moves back and forth.
––––––––
"You promise me to never cut yourself again. You promise, damn Ma. What happen?"
––––––––
The paramedics, the police and fire department come in. Immediately the questions fly is she suicidal? Is she on drugs? Why is there so many cut marks on her legs and arms? I don't know her but I've been in a situations like this before so I begin to explain, exaggerate the truth to protect her. I tell them I am a close friend and she recently had a boyfriend get murdered. I let them tend to her and take her in the ambulance. Something tells me to take the safe out of the room. No one is trustworthy.
––––––––
"What happen?"
––––––––
"I don't know. I came up to check on her and she was laid out on the floor in blood. I want to be with her."
––––––––
"I'm coming too."
––––––––
My murderer is standing close to me and for the first time she looks me in the face.
––––––––
"Are you ok?"
––––––––
"No. I need to go be with her we are all we have."
––––––––
I get in the passenger side of the ambulance and I hear her call my name.
––––––––
"Jensen, I don't want to be alone."
––––––––
"I'm here okay. I'm here you are not alone."
––––––––
The white woman with streaks of purple, blue and blonde glances over me.
––––––––
"You are a loving boyfriend."
––––––––
I nod my head and they pull her down. Her arm is bandaged, her hair all over her face. She is pulled into a room, the nurse takes her blood pressure, her heart rate, pulse and asks what happens.
––––––––
The receptionist comes with the clipboard verifying her information and medical insurance.
––––––––
"She has none but she can pay for the visit."
––––––––
She had spiky hair, big eyes and thick layers of mascara every time she blinked it left lash imprints. Her big hair sprayed with several cans of hairspray and spritz. She pops gum and has at least a half an ounce of cheap perfume.
––––––––
"It will cost $610 for the initial visit and any prescription costs."
––––––––
I pull out my wallet and hand it to her. She looks at it and nods her head.
––––––––
"I will need id to verify your platinum card Mr. Jensen McCall." She pops her gum and it all over her bright red lipstick. She runs her tongue across trying to remove it from her lips.
––––––––
She thought I stole the credit card and when I hand over my driver's license she goes over it carefully.
––––––––
"Your from Syracuse, N.Y.?"
––––––––
"Yes, I just relocated yesterday to reside with my family some young black men do have good credit. "
––––––––
She puts on her hand on her hip and bounces on her left foot. She runs my credit card through and hands me the slip to sign and my i.d. I hand it back put a copy in my wallet.
––––––––
"There is a lot of identity theft and I have to verify your information. It has nothing to do with being a black man. It is hospital policy."
––––––––
I stand up and smirk.
––––––––
"Yeah right anyway I need to be in the back with my woman. So can you buzz me in."
––––––––
"She is in room 12."
––––––––
I walk in and the room is cold ,two doctors are in the room. They are asking all kinds of questions about her mental health, about the cuts, depression and the sadness inside of her. I assume one of the ladies is a therapist. Janae explains that she had just went through a trauma of ex being killed, finding out her sister was also his lover and it pushed her over the edge. She cried in between sentences and I stood next to her and took her by the hand. I thought she was over dude, over all that had happen, but you can't escape love. It is not that easy it was clear she was grieving and breaking down.
––––––––
"Sir, who are you?" The short Asian doctor with a close cut hair style.
––––––––
"He is my best friend. I don't have family and he has been by my side. Don't make him leave me,please?"
––––––––
"I have to be honest anytime there is a suicide attempt you are admitted to our mental health department for three days of evaluation. The situation is you have no insurance or a sure way to cover your expenses. We do not participate in the medicaid program so we have no choice but to release you. I strongly
suggest you get some counseling. We do have a program which will help you get health insurance and it is an intensive dialectical behavior therapy program for cutters like yourself. It is a combination of group and individual counseling. I facilitate the program and it is free. You have to agree and sign a contract in order for us to release you. We'd have to send you to county and I promise you don't want to be there."
––––––––
" I agree."
––––––––
She signs the paper and she gives us the brochure, the address and a brief spill on mental health. She talks some more and then leaves.
––––––––
"You're mad at me aren't you? I see it all over your face, me and my mess. Maybe you should just leave out of my life before I do something else stupid."
––––––––
I slide down in the seat, put my hand on my face and cross my leg.
––––––––
"I always dish out the truth to you and yes I am upset but I understand grief and I know you are hurting. You can't wash it
You can't wash away wash grief that easy. What happen?"
––––––––
She twists the tissue in her hand, her wrist is bandage and she winces from the pain.
––––––––
" My sister was messing with him too. She is pregnant with his love child and I feel so stupid he was screwing both of us and I was so stupid to believe he loved me."
––––––––
"It happens and as much as it hurts you got to piece your life back together. It is clear this man never loved anybody but himself. The selfish acts of fucking around on his wife, multiple women, drugging and getting you hooked on that shit isn't love. I am not leaving you."
––––––––
I take her hand and remove the tissue and throw it in the garbage pail.
––––––––
"I feel like I need you in my life just before I put the razor to my wrist. I apologize for hurting you. I just need help because I can't control what I do."
She lifted my hand to her lips and kissed it. I felt a electrical jolt to my heart and I don't have a clue why I am wrapping myself into Janae Morrison's crazy world maybe because I feel like she is authentic with me and I can let down my guard and just be Jensen.
"I am still here and I got you, Ma. I mean, Janae."
She cracks a wide smile and leans over to kiss me. Ms. Pearl clears her throat and she walks over to us. She leans in to kiss Janae and sits on the bed.
––––––––
"Hey my baby! I want you to know you have family. You have love surrounding you. "
––––––––
"Yeah what do want from her doesn't your love comes with a price, right or a kidney?"
I waved her off and crossed my arms.
––––––––
"That is not true and I care about you. I want to be apart of your life. I was wrong about asking you to give your mother a kidney but that is not the only reason I wanted to be a part of your life."
––––––––
"I'm going to step out and get a drink. You want something from the vending machine Janae and Ms. Pearl?"
––––––––
"A water, please." Janae said softly.
––––––––
"What about you, Ms. Pearl? I am not rude and my intentions is to love my grandmother?" He lower his slanted eyes and walked towards the door.
––––––––
"A water and it is my same intentions you just have to trust me. I made it that hard and I realize I have to prove myself to you."
––––––––
I couldn't reply my heart was in limbo between what was fact and what was fiction. I was lost maybe just as Janae. My cell rings and I see the name flash across."Hey, what happen now? Who die and what shit hit the fan be real with me?"
––––––––
I lean on the machine and wait for the bullshit.
––––––––
"Nothing Brick I just wanted to make sure you are doing ok ?"
––––––––
"This shit is crazy but I'm good."
––––––––
"Good. Everyone plead guilty and got life imprisonment. You are in the clear. Stay out where your at and live a good life."
––––––––
"I will. I met my murderer, she needs a kidney and I met a woman."
––––––––
"Not Mr. I will never fall in love because I am too hard for love."
––––––––
We both chuckle.
––––––––
" Nah, I am not in love or no crazy shit like that but, I'm feeling her. She is a hand ful. Listen, I want to thank you for saving my life I don't know why but I appreciate you."
––––––––
"You were not like the rest of the knucklehead on the block. I always caught you reading a book, learning another language. I saw your potential, your life and Grace was a good friend of mine."
––––––––
"I miss her so much."
––––––––
" I know. Look, check in with me from time to time. Stay out of trouble, be good and stay out of the 'cuse."
––––––––
"All right, be easy and thanks."
I walk in and Ms. Pearl and Janae are chatting away. I hand them the water and sit in the seat.
––––––––
"I'm going to leave and let you two spend some times together, love birds."
––––––––
She hugs Janae and then for a few seconds she stands in front of me. I feel her large arms wrap around me. I let her hold me and she lifts up.
––––––––
"She really does care about you."
––––––––
"How do you know this isn't a game to get me to give my kidney to my murderer?"
––––––––
"It is your choice and no one can force Jensen "Brick" McCall to do nothing out of sympathy that is what I learned about you. You are not a man who is ruled by emotions."
––––––––
I uncross my arms, relax my shoulders and raise my eyebrow."
––––––––
"True!"
––––––––
"It was wrong to ask for your kidney but it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you."
––––––––
"I want to focus on you, help you get better and try my best not to fall in love with you."
––––––––
"Why?"
––––––––
"I don't think we are over the pain we holding on to. It would taint it and I don't want to do that."
––––––––
"So you're looking for perfect love?"
––––––––
"Nope, unconditional love that can never be broken no matter what."
––––––––
The discharge nurse comes in and hands her the paper, she signs her freedom papers.
––––––––
"You are going to keep her from harming herself, right? " She had her hair braided in a bun, large earrings and too tight scrubs."
––––––––
"She safe with me, I got her back."
––––––––
Janae smiles and I wink at her. She points her finger at Janae,
––––––––
" I wrote my number on the paper. You need to talk, chill or just vent but no cutting up your pretty skin. You are a Queen and you're not easily broken. Use that number and not a blade. Peace and love my beautiful sister."
––––––––
She pulled the wheelchair to me . I helped her get dress and sat her in the wheelchair.
––––––––
"Thank you for saving me again and being by my side."
––––––––
" None needed just know you're sleeping in my room so I can keep your eye on you."
Tonight Jensen is sleeping so close to me I could feel his heartbeat against my back. I slept in my bra and panties, him in his boxer and no t shirt. The California heat is dry, humid and no wind stirring. The sound of the ceiling fan spinning, the sound of old school music from the gentleman down stairs playing The Temptations and my wrist was hurting. They didn't prescribe me nothing but Tylenol because of my drug habit. He turns on his back and puts his hand behind his head.
"What's on your mind?"
"I never slept next to a woman and not have sex with her while she is in her bra and panties."
"Oh. Do you want me to put some clothes on I don't want to bother you?"
I pull the sheet over me, sit up and he removes it. I see the passion in his eyes, the erection standing straight up in his boxers. He looks the other way and put the pillow over it once he realizes I am staring at it.
"I don't want you to cover up and that is the problem. How could you ever think you aren't beautiful?"
I sit up and look away. I had cellulite, cuts on my thighs, rolls of fat and I think one of my breasts is uneven. I shrug and he moves closer to me.
"I don't know my sister was light skin, long hair and just perfect to my Mom, to the city of Buffalo at the time when I resided there. I wasn't accepted, boys thought I was weird even now."
"I'm sorry those ignorant assholes made you feel like that and just for the record, "you are a pretty woman inside and out with a bit of a bitchy attitude."
"What a way to give a compliment thank you I guess."
"You did come off stank with I first met you, don't front."
We both chuckle.
"Yeah and you're handsome. "
"Thanks."
The guy is playing music by Boyz II men now. He sits on the other side of the bed and I stand up and slip on a night gown. I look behind my shoulder and he is looking at me.
"Sit in the window with me, please?"
He stands and his head almost touches the ceiling and I notice he has a limp. I never paid attention until now. He sits behind me and Boyz II Men Never go away plays. He and I gaze at the stars, the palms trees and the view of the moon is clear. We sway to the music and this evening is straight out of a romance movie.h
"What's your favorite color, Jensen?"
"Red and grey."
"Mine is blue."
"You know why I begin painting and drawing?" He kisses me on the cheek, wipe the tear away.
"Why?"
"So people could say that I'm good at something. I know that is what no one can deny that when I paint and draw it is the best of me. It is perfection, beauty and it is why I chose art ."
"Damn, that's deep ." His large arms wrap around me.
" When I was out in the streets to stay connected to Grace for hours I would sit in front of our old house. I'd close my eyes and think she coming home soon. I knew she was dead but I just wanted her to be alive. When I realized she wasn't coming back I had this silly notion my mother would come and get me. She save me from the hell I was living in. So I stop dreaming and believing in anyone or anything until I met you. I shouldn't say this because I don't want to be disappointed but you restore trust in my heart. I never open up and you did that. I held a lot of shit hostage in my heart and I've freed things I never thought I could."
I turn around and he is crying. I take the tip of my fingers and wipe it away. I kiss him softly and he pulls me closer to him. We kiss, the music and the atmosphere is the recipe for the evening. He stops and looks at me both of us wrap up in emotions.
"Your not over him and this is not the time to have sex. I want you to get better stop all the cutting yourself, the drugs and build up your confidence. I want this but not with us all fucked in the head."
"Okay. I guess!"
"I want this but we both can't afford to get caught up in some moment and then I lose you. I am strong man but that would devastate me."
"Can we just hold one another and talk?"
"Damn, I want to do more than just talk."
He shook his head and I could feel his thumbs pressing into the small of my back. A jolt of his energy shot through me and a deep yearning . I cup his face into my hands and I kiss him again. I keep my eyes open
"You said to stop and you are right you get all caught into me falling in love, buying me an engagement ring and then making a Brick Jr. You will be all piss off cause I made you fall in love with me."
It sound perfect but it and what he wanted and having sex would complicate the friendship they are establishing. It would change him caring about me because sex always changes things.
He moved his hands off my skin and I felt like I lost my connection with him.
I shifted and moved a couple of inches away from him. He release a sigh and rested his head on the windowsill.
"I could see all of that happening me falling in love with you coming home watching you sit in your art room painting a portrait there you go having me dream.I don't do the dreaming shit. I live in reality so let's stop living in the pretend world. I don't need to be stuck on your ass." He jumped up and paced.
"Um, what did I do to you?"
"Nothing. I'm going for a walk to clear my head." He slid on his shorts, his flip flops and t shirt."
I stand in front of the door and fold my arms. He looks up at the ceiling, and he huffs out a big breath.
"Move, Janae!"
"No, I didn't do anything to you. One minute you are kissing me and then the next you get an attitude. At least let me know what I did to you before you go for a walk."
He pushes his hard body close to mine, he places his forehead on mine, he smells like Usher's cologne and then he kisses me.
He mumbled between kisses,
"I'm afraid if I get any closer you'll walk away or I lose you to death. I'm afraid to love my own grandmother because she up there in age and I can't deal with losing anyone else. I'm fuck up in the head."
He puts his arms around me and large drops of tears fall on my shoulder. I feel every bit of his agony, his fears and pain.
"I'm afraid that I will keep cutting, that I won't get over the grief inside of me and I will not ever be loved. I don't pretend to be this honest person but with you I am. I guess we shouldn't fear what we don't know. Don't go out tonight, please?"
He swallowed hard, kiss my forehead and I wipe his face.
" If you make me fall in love with you and get all mushy you have no choice but to be my wife. Straight up and down you gotta have like five babies."
"Yeah, whatever, Brick. One maybe but five is out of the question. And your not checking for me ." We chuckled.
"Oh, I'm Brick now?"
I slip under his arm and get in the bed. He follows me slides next to me and holds my hand.
"When you cut does it hurt?"
"The first slit and then it feels good. Sometimes when I don't want to cry I do it or I want to be loved, Stupid right?" He turns on his side and there it is me giving him pieces of me again. Was he my therapist on the low? His silver eyes pierce through my skin , I notice his fingers are long, ugly, his nails are trimm he taps it on the bed.
"A way of escaping the pain, to feel something or to...."
"Die."
I nod my head .
"I've been in that place not the cutting but wanting to die. On the day of my high school graduation no one was there to celebrate my achievement. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to beat anyone up. So I went bought a gun, stood behind a building. It was the loneliest night of my life I put the gun to my head and I was going to blow my brains out. No lie, just as I was about to pull the trigger it started pouring rain and then I just took the gun and buried it. So I've been there before and I wanted to escape."
I look over at my phone and the time flashing is 2:30 in the morning. My eyes are getting heavy but I want to listen to him talk more.
"You are not alone anymore."
"For now, get some sleep tomorrow is a busy day and I want to go with you."
I watched him drift off to sleep and in the moonlight his skin illuminated. I rested in silence and felt secure. A cool, calm breeze, watching his chest rise and fall. I move closer and he puts his arm around me. The cuts on my arm sting, my sister voice announcing Robert father the child inside of her womb. Some questions need an answer to.
I dial my sister's number and she picks up on the third ring.
"What Janae?"
"The truth."
"Robert and I slept together a baby was created the end."
"Did you know about us?"
"Nope."
"You and him was an accidental affair."
"Are you keeping the baby?"
"Yes, and Mama understands."
"Of course she does your her prize child."
"Cut it out, Janae with your not being the favorite child."
"It is the truth?"
"No, you are troubled and so damn needy."
"You've always gotten your way."
Brick removes the phone from my ear and removes the phone. He hangs it up.
"Stop torturing yourself."
"I want closure."
He leans up and rest his face on his hand.
"It maybe some shit we may never get. Now hug on me some more."
"I thought you didn't want to fall in love with me?"
"Hugs don't equal love." He let his white teeth show.
"You like me, you really like me."
"Go to sleep."