I pull up in front of my murderer’s house, I slide down in the seat, there is only one car there. I get out and walk up to the door and knock three times. She peeks out the window and opens the door. Her makeup is off, her skin has bumps, dark circles around her eyes, and she sits in the seat.
“How is she?”
“She’s fine and thank you for saving her life.”
“Why wouldn’t I save my sister’s life?”
“I don’t know how to explain about who you are?”
“You can’t even utter out of your mouth I am your son? Or you don’t want your husband knowing.”
“I don’t feel good about this. I mess up your life.”
“Yes, you did so here is the deal I want to know my brother and sister. I want to be apart of their lives. So you better tell him or I will.”
"What do you want from me?"
I stood in the middle of her yard, the sound of the dog barking, the horn honking, and the scent of mexican food in the air. She folded her arms, and crossed her feet.
"You can't give it to me because you never wanted me alive. You hate what I remind you of. Good night!"
She lowered her head and put her face in her hands. Dear Mama played, and I turned it off. My cell rang and Janae is calling I debated whether to answer. A text followed and I answered,
" What Janae?”
“Ms.Pearl legs are really swollen and I know you're not feeling her like that. She just seem sick.”
“I noticed her legs the other day. What do you expect me to do?”
“ She will listen to you, Jensen just like I do. She needs to take her water pill and blood pressure medicine.”
I start the engine and pull off my murderer is watching me drive off.
“Are you coming?”
“ I'll be there in about ten minutes.”
I take the expressway and another call comes in and it is a California number.
“Jensen.”
“Who is this?”
“It's Gloria.”
“Okay.”
“I deserve all the anger and hatred but my mother doesn’t. She wants to be apart of your life.”
“ I don't hate her.”
“She is sick and ....”
I cut her off and announce,
“ I'm on my way to check on her.”
It a pregnant pause and nothing but us breathing. I park on the side of the house the lights are on and another car is in the driveway.
“I thought about you everyday and once in awhile I would call Grace to check on you. She’d tell me her son is fine, happy, and healthy. One year I came to Syracuse and you were in a play reciting Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech. You wore black slacks, and a white shirt. I begged Grace to let me be in your life and she said no you were her son. I should have....
“Fought for me and you didn’t. I was in the third grade you had on a black dress, pearls around your neck. You and Ms. Grace argued and she told you to leave. You left. She lied and said it was one of her former co workers. Just like you blocked me on MySpace, Facebook, and every chance you get. You don't want me in your life let's accept the truth.”
“Ms. Grace pushed me away.”
“And you continue to the same and don't you dare blame her for your actions.”
“You don't understand.’
“Nah, I really do and I it's you with the problem. I'm going to take care of my grandmother.”
I hung up and stepped out Janae was sitting on the porch.
“ Your uncle is in there now and Ms. Pearl is giving him hell. He white too with a nappy Afro.”
“I heard and...”
“ Ms.Pearl ain't trying to hear nothing.”
I walk in the house and to the back hallway where Ms. Pearl room is at. She is sitting in her rocking chair, her legs are so swollen they shine. She is rubbing them down with alcohol, the strong scent of mint is the room.
“Boy, I’m fine I’ve been on my feet all day cooking and plus it is hot as hell.”
“Ma, take your medicine your blood pressure is sky high, your legs look like they are .going to bust. Stop....” I knock on the door, and she looks up at me. Thomas looked at me and extended his hand.
“You must be my nephew, Jensen.” I shake his hand and he smiles.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Ma, is being stubborn as hell and not taking her medicine.”
The bottles of pills are full and lined against the nightstand. She looked away from us and started to hum.
“ Can I speak to her alone, Unc?”
“Sure.”
He closed the door and I sat at the edge of her bed next to her.
“ I don't hate you.”
I took her hand, the scent of alcohol and Ben gay filled the air. The sound of Mahalia Jackson in the background.
“I just want your forgiveness and you to know everyday you're here I am happy.”
“I don't believe you. I'm going to need you to stop lying to me. You really can't be happy with me here.”
She lowers her head, fidgets with her fingers and clears her throat.”
I’m not lying?”
“You say that but your legs are all swollen, your blood pressure is high and you’re not resting shows me different. I want you here and alive and you're not well puts me closer to losing you. Loving me means taking care of yourself. “
“ I hate all the those pills they make me sleepy, and I worked all my life who is going to help.”
“Me. Just ask. You need to rest, take your meds, and let me enjoy having you in my life.”
I took her by the hand and assisted her up. Thomas came in and folded her blankets back. She sat down slow and I read each bottle, opened it and took out the pills. I pour the water in a glass . She took them and put it in her mouth and drank down the water. Thomas smiled and put up his thumb up.
“Thank you.” I lifted her legs and propped them on the pillow. Golden girls theme song played on the television and I gave her hug.
“I love you, grandson.”
I nodded my head and kissed her cheek.
“Get some sleep and rest.”
Thomas followed me out.
“Come sit out with me.”
He lit a cigarette and said,
“None of us knew about you being alive . Gloria hid her pregnancy. But she told me and we didn't find out until about you being alive until two years ago. Ma, found some pictures and she told us. My mother made it her business to find you.”
“I'm just trying to figure out California, having family, and my murderer acting like she the victim.”
“That’s Gloria always the victim of her circumstances and never the one who is responsible.”
He flicks the cigarette, and two dudes nod their head and greet them as they walk by.
“ T man you still making dope ass beats for all them celebrities.?”
“Nah, strictly working with gospel music and in the Atl.”
“ We miss your dope ass beats and music. You know the rap game need you.”
“Working for the Lord and living well. You know the way I was drunk everyday. God been good and it feels good to be sober for the past three years.”
“I respect it, Bruh! Tell Mama Pearl I’ll be in to get my grub on.”
“Alright, stay up!”
He looked like Mama Pearl but light complexion and blue eyes like mine.
“So I take it you and my murderer aren't close.”
“Nope her choice not mine. She had issues because my daddy is white. Ain't like he was some damn good to me. Always believed Mama loved me more than her because I'm damn near white.”
“ I heard that through Ms.Pearl. Did she treat you better?”
“As a kid I was sick with so I was in and out the hospital. It wasn’t favoritism it was a mother taking care of her sick child.”
“Just like her asking me to give her a kidney.”
“Mama asked you to give Gloria a kidney?”
“Yep”
“Are you going to do it?”
“She won't acknowledge I’m her son why the hell would I give her a kidney?”
“I feel you and I understand you are pissed. She ain’t all that bad just a whole lotta stuff happened to her. She bitter about the past kinda like you are.”
She pulled up in front of the house, and stepped out the car.
“Where is Mama?”
“In bed your son made her take her meds which is miraculous because none of us could do that.” Thomas said.
She had no makeup, her hair pulled into a ponytail and her hands on her hips.
“I guess I can go home her favorite child is here, anyway.”
“Here you go, Gloria if I was so much her favorite she would have took her medicine for me.”
“Fuck you, Thomas. I can't stand you.”
“You hate me because of my light complexion like I had a damn choice who my father was. What you need to focus on is getting to know the son you abandon and not over petty shit about my father being white.”
I folded my hands and looked to the ground. Siblings struggling over who loves who when she had some nerve when she can’t acknowledge me.
“Grow up both for you, she’s been there for both of you unlike you Gloria who left her son to die. Right now there is no time to bicker if you want to see your mother go see her.”
Thomas nodded his head and Gloria looked to the ground.
“You are right nephew. Gloria your son is right.”
She pushed past Thomas and went in the house.
“Yo, thanks for the talk.How long you staying?”
“Another two days and then I’m heading back to ATL. Before I go we need to hang out and just check out the whole L.A. Scene.
“Sounds good, unc. I think your a cool dude and I didn’t mean to come at you. Grandma Pearl don’t need no stress.”
“You can’t get mad at the truth and we need to hear it. You look just like Gloria.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“ Janae is that your girl?”
“A friend.”
“ You know she want more than a friendship?”
“Don’t they all?”
We both chuckle and slap one another up.
“Let me get to my hotel and catch some shut eye.”
Janae stood with her arms folded, her lips poked out, and she sucks her teeth. She stormed into the house and my murderer walked out. She stood next to me and finally said,
“The last person you want to talk to about dating is Thomas.”
“Is that suppose to be motherly advice?”
“It’s me saying the young lady you're with is sweet and you should treat her better.”
“You don't nothing about our relationship and you have a lot of nerve how you treat me.”
“I don't want to argue, Jensen. Tomorrow come over for dinner and bring Janae.”
“Ms. Pearl told you so.”
“ I want you to come and doesn't matter who told me. Be there and treat Janae better. Good night, son.”
She went to her car and waved. I waved back and turned on my heels. Was she trying to be mother versus my murderer?