I sat on the floor in front of my therapist, today’s tea was green, and she wore a sky blue. I went to counseling alone, and I refuse to speak to Jensen.I was so mad I took a few sniff of coke. I feel fucked up inside because I thought he liked me but no one wants me. So I sniffed up , cried,and painted.
I feel sad today, it's raining, a dreary day, and I feel sick. My body is craving coke and Jensen. I want him to love me and like me.
Inya studies me, sits quietly while I create a picture of Jensen, Robert, my mother, stepfather, and sister.
“Do you want a relationship with your mother?”
I wipe away the tears, blink twice,and think of Jayne.
“Every little girl wants her mommy and mines just happens to regret I was ever born.”
“Have you tried to mend your relationship?”
“Countless of times and she reminds me that I have bad energy.”
Inya held a pad in her hand took notes.
“And your sister?”
“We used to be close but the whole Robert situation.”
I run the crayon over his face and try to erase his memory from my thoughts.
“Robert is death scared you but his denying you hurt you more. It is like the constant reminder from everyone you are bad energy.”
“Yes.”
“For the record and I know bad energy, and I have a great sense of people. You are not bad energy. Repeat after me. I am not bad energy.”
“I am not bad energy.”
“Say it until you believe it.”
“I want to talk about Jensen Brick McCall.”
“Your Boo thang.”
“No.”
“Remember no lying.”
“I like him but he throws so much shade. One minute he is kissing me and then the next day he doesn’t want to speak to me.”
“Typical man shit, and I think he is afraid to love you because of all the lost in his life. He is healing too.”
“So, I should give space, stop thinking about him, and work on my life.”
“Yes, because here the facts about recovering addicts nothing runs us back to drugs than a wounded heart. You can't control how he feels but you can control your reaction.”
“ When I met my husband I was a year out of recovery, just getting back into school, when this tall , dread head, red man with freckles entered my life. I was grieving still over my daughter, afraid of relapsing into drugs. The kicker was I wanted him but I wasn't prepared to give him my best. I was carrying guilt, shame, hurt, and anguish. My King waited patiently, and I understood why it took five years for me to go on a first date. I tell you this because if he is the man for you then take your time and be prepared. Too many lose a good man destined to be our soul mate because we are unprepared. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, it does.”
“Be his friend first but more importantly like you, love you, and pour just the same amount of energy into you.”
“Our time is up but remember what I said.”
I took out five hundred dollars and my plan was to go shopping for art supplies. Ms. Pearl loan me her car. My cell phone hadn’t rung in days and the only number stored was Jensen, Ms. Pearl, and annoying Regina. Jensen named popped up on her screen, and I want to push ignore but I answer.
“Hey.”
“Are you at counseling?”
“ I'm just finishing up why?”
I'm outside waiting on you?”
“ So now your checking for me?”
“I want to talk, please.”
He was leaning against the car, LA cap on backwards,basketball shorts, and Lakers jersey.His headphones around his neck, his fingers scrolling through his phone, his shades resting on top of his head. Women walked past greeting him with a giggle. He nodded his head and threw up his hand. He looked at me and my heart began to palpitating. I brush my hand over my hair, run my lip gloss across my lips, and smooth my hand over my sun dress. I take a glance over and walk towards him. I stood in front of him, he relaxed his shoulders, looks me over, and grins.
“The keys please. I always drive.”
I put them in his hand and he holds my fingers rubs his thumb inside my palm. He opens the passenger side and I slide past him to sit in my seat. He sat next to me, started the engine and put on his seatbelt.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.”
“I know where you at about me no need for a constant reminder. You’re not into me.”
“You think you have all the answers. and you don’t.”
“Say what you have to say, Brick.”
He smack his lips and turned to face me and said,
“Listen and shut up for once, damn.”
I fold my arms and poke out my lips.
“ Stop being so damn pretty when you poke out your lips. The other day I didn't mean to make you feel bad and it is not my intention to hurt your feelings.”
“So why do you do it every chance you get?”
“You mean something to me and you get on my nerves but I like it.”
He smiles at me, touches my shoulder, and shift in my seat. I look at my lap instead of him.
“ You don't like me getting on your nerves.”
“I welcome it and it bugs me out because I missed not talking to you.”
“Me too.”
“What you getting into today?”
“Art supplies, home, and painting.”
“ So can I roll with you?”
“You’re in the driver’s seat.”
“I heard about this Art supply store in Pasadena called Blicker and they have a art contest going on. You should enter it?”
“I don't know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know. You draw and paint your ass off why not spotlight your talent?”
“The disappointment and fear of losing.”
“You won't know unless you try, right?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“You know I have the power of persuasion over you and you don't want to hear my mouth.”
“It is nice to see you and Ms.Pearl talking.”
“I make sure she takes her medicine, rest, and she’s been teaching me how to do embroidery.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You love her?”
“ I do and the more we talk the closer I get to her. The other day she had me watching Steve Harvey. She loves that man.”
We both giggle.
“You see the life size poster in her room. Steve got her juices flowing.”
“Um, too much information.”
The conversation paused at the traffic light, Beyoncé ‘s Rocket is playing, and eye contact continued. He adam’s apple bobs up and down, I shift in my seat.
“ You are sexy as hell and do you have to wear those tight ass dresses.”
He thinks I am sexy and it could change the tone of our friendship.
“Um, I’m grown as hell, and my dresses aren’t tight.”
“They are and all those dudes looking at your ass.”
“How would you know unless you’re looking too.”
He clears his throat, and pulls his shades down.
“It is hot as hell and humid.”
“Are you looking, too Mr. Jensen Brick McCall?”
“ Your ass is big enough to be seen in a good way. So yeah I look.”
“I want you to look so you can see what you might can do with all this ass.”
He parks in the lot, and I open the door, smooth my hand over my butt and look back at him. He adjust his shorts, winks at me, and said,
“Janae, Janae, please believe me Ma you can’t handle it.”
“I'm supposed to be scared.”
He took me by the hand and pushed his chest against my breasts. He licked his lips and I could feel the swell of his manhood on my thigh. He raised his eyebrows and sucked his bottom lip.
“I never want you scared of me at all and just be prepared for what you think you want from me.”
I exhaled, sexually turned on, my lips wet and not the ones on my face. I turned to walk in the store and he doesn’t let my hands go. Inya said move slow but he is moving in on me. He holds the door open and two white men stare at my ass. He gives them the look and they turn their head.
The contest flier is on the wall, beautiful paintings from each of the winners from last year. He takes it off the cork board and hand it to me. I pick up paint brushes, sketch pads, an easel, paint, and a apron. He watches me, pushes the cart around, and after I pay for the supplies. He carries the bags out and puts them in the trunk.
“I can watch you paint and draw all day. Janae when you paint I see you at your best.”
“Why do you want me to enter the contest, seriously?”
In the middle of the lot, he looks me in my eyes, my heart pounding in my chest, and the words no one has ever said to me he lets fall out of his mouth.
“I believe in you and I know you are an amazing artist.”
I lay my head on his chest and one tear falls. I get in the car, look over the flier and then Jensen. I can't love him but my heart is calling.
“I’m going to my murderer’s house for dinner so she can introduce me to the family. Would you come with me?”
“You know I will. Is that why your being nice to me.”
“Nope.”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Janae, I want to.... Nevermind.”
“What?”