Janae and I put down the bags, and I go in to check on my grandmother. Her legs are propped up, watching an episode of Good Times. Her legs have gone down, her sliver hair is out, and she has her teeth out. She pats the bed and I reach to give her a hug.
“How’s my handsome grandson?”
“I'm good just came back with Janae shopping for art supplies.”
“ I love what you are doing with the house and restaurant? I have to pay you something and I will not take no for answer.”
She pulls the envelope from behind the pillow and open my palm. She lay it in my palm.
“ Grandma, I’m good. I stack and save my green.”
“Take it as all those birthdays, Christmases, good report cards, days I wasn't allow to spoil you. Use it to start a business or something.”
“Thank you.”
“Welcome.”
“Are you going to dinner at Gloria’s house today?”
“Yes, First time you haven't call her your murderer.”
“She has a name and I'm alive so ...”
“I understand. You have her temperament.”
“So I hear.”
“Jensen, do me a favor and please be cordial. I know you have a lot of anger and hurt in you over this, but I am asking for you to be on your best behavior.”
She shifted in the bed, touches my shoulder and smiles.
“Only for you. Does she cook as good as you?”
“Her husband is barbecuing Gloria cooks all that bland food, plus her diet is limited with her disease.”
“Can I ask you a serious question?”
“Go Ahead and ask?
“Is my father my uncle?”
She sat up and swung her legs to the floor, her eyes widen, and her hand on her hip.”
“Who told you that lie?”
“Your daughter said your brother raped her.”
She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. She picks up her the phone and I can hear my murderer’s squeaky voice.
“Did you tell Jensen your Uncle raped you?”
She put her finger to her lips and I nodded my head. She put her on speaker and she replied,
“Why?”
“Did you tell that bold face lie that your uncle raped you?”
“How would you know if it is a lie Mama? You sent me away to New York?”
“Did my brother rape you?”
“No, Mama he didn’t I had to tell him something.”
“So you lie haven’t you done enough damage to him?”
“God, I don’t want to discuss this right now.”
“Gloria, I just don’t know about you, child.”
“I am not a child oh I forget I am not your beloved Thomas so I am a troubled child.”
“This and the lie you told has nothing to do with Thomas. Stop throwing him into your faults.”
“You don’t believe a word I say so why go explaining. Your alcoholic son can lie,steal from you and it is okay.”
“There you go covering up again. You abandoned your son, You, not Thomas. You lied on your uncle. You.”
“Bye Mama let it go.”
She hangs and I feel like punching a wall.
“I’m not going because word on my life I will curse her out.”
“Please go.” Her nose flailed like mine, she tapped the table and curse under her breath.
“Why, I don’t know what to believe, anymore?”
“I get it you're pissed the hell off but do it for your brother and sister. Make Gloria face the truth.”
“Why is she like that?”
“She always been a jealous child, I married a white man, had Thomas, and she is angry because she thinks I hate her dark skin. I love them all the same but we just mix like water to fire.”
“I'm going to check on Janae and I will think about coming.”
“If you go then I will go.”
“You ain't slick grandma but only for you I will go.”
I walk upstairs and Janae is sitting in front of the easel, paint brush behind her ear, hair up in a bun, she dips the brush in the paint, and she swings the brush left to right. I lean against the wall, she is in her element, paint and I am loving it. While she sleeps I sneak in her room to check for drugs, razors, and anything she might use for self-harm. No drugs, no nothing, but her drawings all over the room. Some of them are of me sitting with headphones, one of my grandmother cooking, and of L.A. sites. She was creating a beach, waves crashing, a man surfing on a board.
“What are you staring at Jensen “the Brick” McCall?”
“You. I told you I love watching you paint.”
She turns around and smirks.
She said, “You have no permission to make me blush.”
“Your beautiful when you blush and those fat cheeks turn red as hell.”
She fell silent. Both us never losing eye contact, the energy in the room between us is insane. I can see her nipples harden through the white tank top, her legs are open, and Ishake my head. Be easy, Brick I thought.
“You know my Mo... I mean murderer fucking lied about my uncle raping her.”
“Wow! How did you find out?”
“I ask my grandmother and she called her right in front of me.”
She stood up and walks over to the bed.
“I don't get her why is tripping?”
“Shit, me either. Damn, I can't think straight.”
All of her curves, her long legs, and the way her hair touches her shoulders.
“I got to get out of here before I start something.”
She fans herself, crosses her legs , and we both need to chill out for a moment. I ain’t had sex in three months.My big head is thinking in collaboration with my little one to go over to the bed and sex her crazy. I look over at the clock and it’s five thirty and dinner's at six thirty.
“Go get ready, and ....nevermind.”
“If time wasn’t against us.”
She smirked, licked her lips, and raised her eyebrows.
“I know go get ready and let me change my clothes.”
“I rather watch you change your clothes.”
She lifts her t shirt over her head, and I step out the room. I stand at the door,watch her transform from the around the way girl, to a classy woman. She runs the wand across her lips and they turn cherry red. The peach sun dress, the white heels, the stud earrings, and for the first time I accept I am feeling Ms. Janae.
I take a quick shower, throw a pair of slacks,a sky blue short sleeve dress shirt because it is blazing in Baldwin Hills. I go downstairs and my grandmother has on a nice summer dress, her hair curled under, and my Uncle has on a pair of jeans, and a laker shirt.
“Nephew, all dressed in his Sunday go to meeting clothes.”
“She said dress nice.”
“I ain’t getting dressed up to sit in her house, listen to the whoa is me tales, and eat barbecue.”
Grandma Pearl cut her eye at Thomas and popped him in the back of his head.
“Change your clothes, boy.”
“Come on why the heck do I have to dress up?”
“I said so.”
“She don’t even like me and you know she gonna kick me out in ten minutes.”
He made a motion with his foot of being kicked she started to chuckle.
“Boy, you are a mess. Oh my word look at how gorgeous Janae looks.”
Both of us turned our head, and my Uncle put his hand to his mouth.
“Damn, she killing that dress.”
Her dimple appeared, her eyes sparkles, and I wink at her.
“You look good.”
“Thanks.”
We all pile into the car, and drive off. The car is silent and we pull up in front of my murderer’s house. The scent of charcoal, hickory smoke fills the air. Thomas helped Grandma out and I open the door for Janae. The neighbors greeted Ms. Pearl. Gloria stood at the door. This time she didn’t have layers of make up that had streaks, her weave was gone and hair pulled into a tight bun, on the side is baby hair gelled to her scalp.
Gloria saw Thomas and she frown, took a pause, look over me, and then Janae.
We walk towards her slowly, and she hugs Grandma Pearl, Janae, and then extends her hand for me to shake hers.
I push her hand away. Thomas yells out,
“How you not gone hug your son, you foul as hell? You know what Ma let me blaze up out here before she kick me out.”
“You are not leaving we are here to deal with all the mess once and for all. Gloria, this isn’t up for discussion. No foolishness from either of you.”
I feel my blood boiling, my heart in my chest , Janae takes my hand, and I focus on her .
Her husband has on a kiss the cook apron, tall and lanky. Blue eyes, Jason Bieber haircut, khakii shorts, flip flops, and white polo shirt.
“Mrs. Pearl, Thomas, Jensen, and your name young lady?”
“My name is Janae.”
“Everyone go to the back yard there is drinks, I’m almost done with the meats, and Gloria made her famous potato salad, seafood salad, and baked beans.”
I hesitate going in the house and my grandmother takes my hand:
"Your family."
"Not to your daughter even though I come from her womb."
She shows me better than she tells me. I walked in and sit under the umbrella alone. Janae sits next to me, holds my hand.
"Talk to me, Jensen."
"Not much to say. It's fucked up to still be treated like a guest around your mother."
"I know that feeling all too well.”
“I desired a family for so long who shared my blood and even now I feel fucked up inside.”
“I’m your family and I promise to not leave your side, Jensen. Even when you get on my nerves.”
“I believe you too. So when I am getting on your ass about doing right no firing me from your life.”
“Deal.”
She laid her head on my shoulder and my pain was escaping. My grandmother and uncle sat across from me. Old school jams are playing, the smell of the hickory and charcoal, and my murderer stood near her husband. I wanted to curse here out, and exit her life. I made a promise to behave and not show my ass. The husband and her are talking his face reddens he looks over at me and then my murderer. She lowers her head and he takes her by the arm and pulls her to the side.
Thomas announces,
“She done made mister mad .” He takes a sip of the lemonade and chuckles.
“Hush and stop being a smart ass.”
“It’s true she made her world so perfect and now she has to tell the truth. She can’t hide anymore, Mama.”
“She knows that.”
Thomas slurred, he took a gulp of the lemonade and took the back of his hand and wiped his mouth.
“Are you drinking, Thomas?”
“Yep, hard ass lemonade your daughter poured into my glass. Your daughter starts shit she can’t finish. She causes problems and then becomes the victim. Mama she ain’t right in the head.”
Gloria cut her eye over at us and lowered her head. Thomas pulls out his cell and makes a call. He stands and bends over and kiss Mama, he gives me a hug, and Janae a kiss on her hand.
“I’m going to leave before she blames me for messing up the party. I’m leaving the car so I won’t drink and drive. I have a friend picking me up.”
“Thomas, please be safe you know how you get.”
“She started me drinking.”
Gloria shot a look at Thomas then Mama Pearl. She storms over to us. She stands toe to toe with Thomas.
“How did I start you drinking?”
“Covering up your dirt, intentionally giving me spiked lemonade, Gloria. You knew before you left that you were pregnant. You knew it and you made me lie to Mama.”
“ You’re a liar.”
“Am I really? I might be an alcoholic but you knew you were pregnant.”
“I hate you.”
“What’s new? I hate you even more for doing what you did to my nephew. How could you leave your child on a table to die? To have a botched ass abortion and act like he is the problem?”
She heaved in out, her cheeks turned red, her breathing heavy, and tears ran down her face.
“I was scared, okay.”
“No, your just an fucked up individual. An evil ass woman and something is wrong with you.” Thomas shouted.
I sat listening to them going back and forth. I clear my throat, and rub my hand over my face.
“Grandma forgive me for what I am about to say, please. I don’t give a damn about the sibling rivalry or the past. Admit it Gloria you want nothing to do with me. I need to hear your truth.”
“I became pregnant by this eighteen year old name Rock. He was a drug dealer, handsome, and dark as midnight. He charmed me and the day I told him I was pregnant he laughed. I was scared and didn’t want to be another teen mother. Mama sent me away for being bad and I was five months. Auntie Carole told me to get an abortion so I was far a long and I was scared.”
“That isn't what I asked you. I want to know before I waste any more of my energy do you want me in your life? It's a simple question.”
She took her thumb and wiped the corner of her eyes. My heart cracks with every bit of her silence. I stand up and Janae follows.
“Your silence answer my question.”
“Jensen, I want to but....” I cut her off and raise my hand.
“There should never be a but when it comes to a relationship with your child. I won't bother you anymore, Gloria.”
I took a large breath and Janae took me by the hand. The shit ripped through every ligament knowing the mother I wanted doesn't want me. Her husband stood in front me and I looked away from him.
“Gloria, he is your son and you need to fix this.”
“Sir, it’s all good.”
“It's not and Im asking you to stay, please."
I bit my lip and shook my head no.
“ Your wife has made it clear she doesn't want me here.”
He turned to her and frown. His face turned beak red and storm away. She touches his arm and he snatches it away.
“You’re not right the way you made him feel. I am so done with you.”
“It’s your fault Mama I told you to leave this alone. To not go looking for him and know everybody is looking at me like I’m a bad person.”
“You just don't see it and all the mess you caused.”
“Grandma, please I'm good and no need I'm just going to leave. I see you back at the house.”
Thomas said,
“Nephew, how you gone get home?”
“I'll call an uber. Thanks , unc.”
“Drive me home. I want to chat with you Jensen.”
“Call me Brick.”
Thomas handed me the keys and Mama Pearl look over her shoulder and blew us a kiss.
“Gloria will drive me home.”
My murderer couldn’t take looking me in the face. Her world was crumbling but my heart was feeling the aftershocks of the earthquake my mother never loved me. I felt like what I was searching for was an illusion of a mother. Maybe I was looking for a Claire Huxtable image, instead of the real mother chosen for me.
Thomas was hurting and Janae was by my side. A tear fell and she wiped it away. I felt her warm lips on my cheek.
Her, Grandma Pearl, My uncle, and God is all I have. Fuck my murderer because I was done and the ghost of her was dead and stinking.
I parked and Janae went in the house.
He leaned his head back on the seat and said,
“Nephew, I can't make up for your mother’s selfish ass actions but let me remind you that you're not alone. Mama loves you, I love you and your not guest in our life. Your strictly family. You don't have a damn thing to worry about. You can roll up in the ATL and just chill when you get tired of Baldwin Hills.”
“ That’s mad love, Unc. I can't front it hurts like hell.”
“On another note so I saw how you checking Janae out. For you two just to be friends. I felt mad love vibes flowing and let me jump your bones.”
I smirked.
“You know I’m feeling her but two misfits...”
He cut me off and chuckled
“Need one another. I don't believe in coincidences and chance. It was destined for ya’ll meet, man. We all have issues and do wild boy and girl shit. Love is love and sometimes it is the best medicine to what ails us and some bed board breaking, ass slapping, warm and good pussy.”
“You a fool, unc.” I chuckle
“I'm dead ass, nephew. Good pussy and a good woman willbfix some major shit in your life. I ain't talking abou thots, or these hoes. A good woman who rides for you for whatever. Janae is that type of woman. Plus, she horny as hell ready for you to beat it up.”
“Dude, really?”
“One thing about your Unc there is no filter. “
“I see so let me ask on some real shit. What up with the drinking and I'm not judging but what’s ailing you.”
“I love my sister but from as long as I can remember she hated me. Hated me because of the color of my skin. I didn't get it and even as a grown ass man the shit hurts. The first time I took a drink of wine and Gloria gave it to me. Like my father I love the taste but it made me forget my damn pain. Forget I suffered for having curly blonde hair, a broad nose, and blueveyes. The only thing that saved me from being murk edbwas I was good at making music. Made beats, play the piano, and worked with some of the greats.”
“You stopped drinking for three years.”
“I stopped when I left here. I went to Atlanta, walked in a church where an AA meeting was going on. I found a sponsor and decided to let it go. Yet, every time I come home her hate eats at me. I drink to forget my sister hates me and herself.”
“I feel it too.”
“Listen, you go be with your friend.”
“Thanks for the talk and just like I have you the love is the same, Unc. We family and you a good dude. Find you a fine ass woman who gone ride for you and be your rib.”
“Yeah, they hard to come by and it's why I say keep Janae close.”