Unc is past out on the couch. Mama Pearl is in her room watching Coffy and I decide not to bother her. I walk upstairs and the sounds of Brian McKnight is coming from Janae’s room. She is back out of her dress, her t shirt on and she is sitting in front of the canvas. I admire her hand stroking against the paper, the picture is of me in a blacks sweats, a white t shirt, and I for a moment there is me. My life felt blank, empty, and unfulfilled. As she was filling in the colors I could feel my life coming alive but she left a hollow part in my heart.
“I know you are watching me.”
“I never meant for it to be a secret. I didn't give you permission to draw me.”
“Your heavy on my mind and so I just decided to draw your face, capture what you're feeling right now.”
“ So did you capture my pain or my feelings for you?”
Janae took a deep breast, twisted the crayon in her hand, making it mark up her hand, and stared at her portrait of me.
“Your pain. I feel it though you front like it doesn't faze you. I know it hurts.”
She put the crayon in the tray wiped her fingers off and took a sigh.
“I loved a ghost I thought was my mother. My murderer doesn't want me and I either let it kill me or I become strong. I got people who care about me.”
“I do care a lot to the point I love you.”
She stands and she walks close to me. We both are failing at avoiding the fact love is in our faces, our hearts , and souls. I feel the Sparks , and she is igniting the fire.
“Your mother doesn't know how great of a man you are. I see your greatness Jensen Brick McCall.”
She cups my face with her hands, and she stepped away. There was hesitant caused by fear, hurt, and anger. Two misfits in distress, Janae exhaled, both of us in need of sexual healing. Every bit of me is ready to dig deep in her and make her say my name. Her chest rises and falls.
You never answered my question.”
“I did you never paid attention to my response.”
“Love is a word I don’t take lightly to be honest haven’t heard I love you in years. I'm falling for you hard. So you can't go fucking this up. You can't go breaking deals and running when it gets hard.”
“You can't expect perfection.”
“I don't but I don't want you to think I'm going to abandon you.
I pulled her to my chest, this felt perfect, her in my arms and I trace my fingers around her jaw bone. Her bedrooms eyes locked with mine. Joe, was playing in the background, she touches my face and announced,
“I’m falling in love with you and I am scared.”
She took my hand and places it on her heart and the shit weaken me. I felt her heart beat at the same pace as mine. I was feeling love it was new to me, made me shiver, made me vulnerable because the moment I was suppose to make her go away by taking her life. I found every reason to protect her, to get closer to her heart. I never told no chick my business. She was never meant for my pleasure like Unc said nothing happens by coincidence this was destined.
“Teach me how to love you.”
A tear drop and I pressed my lips to kiss it away.
“Don’t cry.”
I kissed her lips, push her lips open with my tongue. She moaned and her lips open up every emotion. We held hands while kissing, electric currents ran from Janae to me. There was no interruption, no phone ringing, no one calling our names. I moved my lips to her chin, her neck, suck until she let’s go of my hand. She gasped, and I grunted.
“Condoms. Safety always.” I announced.
I go to my room , look through my drawer and there is a box of magnums. When I come she is on the bed, the t shirt is gone, her voluptuous body is marked up art but beautiful. Her legs were open, her pussy glistened, so wet, minimal hair, and she was in heat. I removed my t shirt, pants, and I came on the bed. I kissed her breast sucked on them until she let out small squeals, my hands massage them. She trace her hand down to my manhood, she masturbated until I begged her to stop. I kissed each scar from her self harm hoping my lips could erase the past cries for attention.
She arched her back when I licked my finger tips inert it inside of her one finger, then two, and she kisses me again.
I smell the oil on her skin, after each lick I trace it with my finger tips. I stop and I’ve had my share of women but she is in my energy. She sits up and licks my tattoo, her tongue traces down to my belly button, and her tongue touches my pubic hair. Her mouth is now on the head and she sucks me in inch by inch. I shutter and grab a handful of her hair. Twelve play by R.Kelly is playing.
She looks up, and I rip open the condom, push it on, and I position my body over hers. She welcomes me, and I push inside her one inch at a time. The beginning we start slow, we both rock and the head board hits the wall. We change positions where she is on top of me. Her hips are in rhythm to my stokes. Her loud screams, moans , and groans.
Shit got real as we went from slow sensous sex, to fucking, to bumping and grinding.
Months of denial, flirting, kissing, avoiding and now we had let go. Kissing, cumming,kissing, touching, and watching her let go waterfalls. Several condoms, cuddling, kissing, and hoping this wasn't an explosion about to blow up in our face.
She runs her fingers through my chest hairs, and I play with her curls. She wraps her legs around me, and heavy on my mind is her .
“What's wrong?”
“You mean what is right because I'm on cloud nine right now.”
I intertwined her fingers with mine and brought them up to my lips. I felt like love was all over me. I was with a woman who understood me and accepted me the man I am.
“Are we in love, Jensen?
She was right I was caught up in her from the day I met her. I was suppose to kill her and now I’m sexing her, kissing her, and protecting her with my life.
“I am learning what love is about and it is you teaching me.”
“I am learning from you love doesn't hurt, no lies, no bullshit, no other women, and it feels damn good.”
The sun was peeking in, the room was cool, the scent of sex, she rises out of the bed and goes to the bathroom and her pillow falls to the floor. Aluminum foil is on the bed, as I open it the white substance is inside of it. My anger flares erasing all the joy inside of my heart. I open it and it is cocaine. I pop up and run to the bathroom.
“Are you still sniffing this shit up your nose again or you never stopped?”
She wiped her nose, pulled at her nostrils, and on the bathroom was the cocaine on the sink.
Her voice was soft, it trembled , and she lowered her head.
“Yes.”
“You never stopped and you lied to me.”
“No, I...I...did stop but...”
“You're full of shit and to act like you really care about me.”
“After last night, the sex, and....”
“None of it means shit if you are fucking shoving coke up your nose. To think I finally found the woman of my dreams.”
“I can stop see, flushing it down the toilet.”
She empties it down the toilet like she did my heart. My spirit is just broken and mangled.
“You don't want to stop and I’m done. You lied and I told you one time and I would stop fucking with you.”
“You think getting over drugs is that easy? I do it only to take the edge off. I'm trying and like everyone else you abandon me.”
“Nah, you abandon yourself stuffing shit up your nose, lying, and making me feel for you. You tore us apart don't put it on me.”
“We just were put together. I'm an addict and I thought I could hide it. I get high to forget my mother doesn't love me. I get high to forget all my mistakes and I don't know how to stop.”
She wasn't going to guilt trip me into letting her off the hook. I was a man of my word and I refuse to keep begging for her to do right.
“I'm gone Janae and this shit watching you stuff shit up your nose. The healed cut marks on your arm and you don't think it hurts my heart. You are the first person I told about my life, my past, and I trusted you. I could have dealt with you telling me you didn't kick it. I am on your side for whatever but the lying to me is a major violation. I can't handle it and it is why I have to step away from you, from my murderer, and this whole scene. I came out here to get my life together and I keep running into the same pain. Be easy, Janae.”
I kissed her on the cheek, she began sobbing.
“Please don't do this. I will stop I promise , please.”
I put on my clothes, refused to look at her and walked out the door. I leaned over the banister and for the first time let out my pain. Everything was in pieces. Everything I loved left, or burned me. Love wasn't suppose to feel this way, it wasn't suppose to sting like bees. I went downstairs, and my grandmother called my name.
“Brick, come talk to me.”
She has on Steve Harvey and she shuts the television off. In her hand is a bunch of her pills, a glass of juice, and she takes it in two gulp.
“I heard you and Janae arguing. I know it's none of my business but everyone on this earth deserves forgiveness and a second chance.”
“She lied to me.”
“We all lie just some lies are bigger than others.”
“Grandma, How can I help her if she doesn't stop getting high. She could have told me.”
“You're right and addiction doesn’t stop overnight.”
“I'm disappointed after we made love and I poured my heart out to her.”
“She needs you and you need her.”
“Nah, she needs coke.”
She popped me in the back in the head and waved her finger.
“Ouch, dang grandma.”
“Your uncle has fallen off the wagon on more than a number of occasions like yesterday. I refuse to give up on him. I go to the meetings when he was here. I love and encourage him. Love does not quit even when it seems unbearable.”
I lay on the bed next to her and she looks in the air.
“Isn't love suppose to be perfect?”
“Love is all about acceptance and forgiveness.”
“This is deeper than Janae and me. It's about your daughter, it about trying to hold on to people and keep being abandoned.”
“You run when it not going your way. Janae, isn't running from you. She is in love.”
“You like her a lot and taking up for her.”
“She is in just as much pain as you are. She copes differently. You snap at people, she hides behind a substance. Pain is pain.”
“I understand she does but I care about her. I told her I wouldn't leave her side no matter what.”
“Show her.”
“I have.”
My grandmother reach over and gave me hug. I felt her love, her concern for me.
“I love you, Grandma.”
“My cup run eth over. If I teach you nothing else please learn to forgive and let go.”
“I'm trying.”
“It takes time.”
“I'm going to take a shower and work out. Go watch your man, Steve Harvey.”
“You go make up with Janae.”
“I don't know. Love you.”
“Try for me.”
“Maybe.”