My murderer who I share D.N.A was in my space, I took a deep breath, she smelled like fruit roasted on a barbecue pit. Her dark skin drench with sweat, her eyes slanted like mine and I had no idea what to think of her. Two people who should be connected, love should be flowing through our veins but there was mixed emotions. I should be bringing her home from dialysis, protecting her but how can I protect a woman who hates me and attempted to kill me twice in one day before I could see her face. She didn’t even count my toes, hear my cry, or look into my eyes and now
“What more do you have to say?”
My murderer said, “I messed up and you have every damn right to hate me.”
“Nah, don't pass your hate on me.I came to you in peace and you denied me three times. You don't get a fourth time.”
I was young, a baby having a baby.”
“A harsh reality for the black woman but majority of them raised their children. A weak ass excuse. I rather hear your truth that you didn’t want a dark skin son.”
“Mama told you that?”
“Is your truth you took k one look at my brown skin and wanted me dead. Fuck up reality but I rather hear my murderer speak the truth.”
“What do you want from me, Jensen?”
“Remorse. To have the opportunity to know who you are. A mother who loves me unconditionally and we both know you are incapable of either. So again why the hell are you here?”
“Did it ever occur to you I didn't know how to face my truth, to accept my wrongs, and how to make it right?”
“That’s clear, and your not giving a shit about me for being alive is you and my father’s bag to hold not mine. This is not a bad ass made for T.V .After school special you can turn off and erase it from your memory. I’m here alive with your blood running through my veins and you treat me like a dirty tampon you discard in the toilet .Discuss your business and let's not make it any more painful for you than it already is.”
“I want to try and get pass the past. I want to know my son.”
“Your husband is making you?”
“I'm making me, damn you are so stubborn.”
“Word around town is I get it naturally from you.”
I raise my eyebrow and she smirks.
She stands next to me, I shifted, nervous, confused, and not sure of what to feel about her wanting to know me..
“When I first went into renal failure I said God was punishing me for the abortion, for being a disgrace to not take you home. Every bit of suffering I welcome it because I messed up your life. I couldn't look you in the face because it meant I could never get your forgiveness. I didn't raise my own son and I hate myself for it. Looking at you is reliving my fuck up decision.”
“You deny me because of guilt.”
“Yes.”
I swallow the lump, put my shades back on to hide the tears attempting to form.
“When you came to see me when I was ten why did you come?”
“Gloria called and said she was running out of money to take care of you. She needed money and I should help. I brought five thousand dollars, begged to see you. She brought me to the school. You stood so tall, spoke so eloquently, and I couldn't take credit for it. “
“I knew that day you were my mother. I felt it when she introduced me to you as a friend she use to work with. She was so heavy into popping pills,drinking, and whatever else. Why didn't you admit it?”
“I thought you were better off. She lived in a good neighborhood, good schools, and ....”
“Four months later she died from a drug overdose, I was put in a foster home, and left with no one to care for me.”
She touches my arm, looks at me, and for the first time I feel her sincerity. My murderer waited for my wrath to dig into her mistakes, to make her suffer more but the truth is it was never my intent. I want to love my mother. I want a relationship and erase the past. She lowers her head and cries. Deep sobs, her head on my arm, Gloria mistakes was eating at her. Nit picking her and chewing on her conscious.
I take my arm and wrap it around her, comfort her because no matter what the past was dead and stinking.
“I'm ... I'm ....so...sorry.”
“It's okay”
“I should have came and got you. Afraid of how much trouble I would get in. Just so stupid and afraid.”
“Who’s my father and the truth?”
“He was a drug dealer turned activist lives in Watts runs a community center. His name is Tyrell Whidbee you inherited his smile height, and smile. I called him the other day and told him about you.”
“And?”
“He wants to meet you.”
“Okay but where are we at?”
“One step at a time.”
“I understand and could we do the family dinner over again?”
“Give me a time and date.”
“You know your grandmother is crazy about her grandson. You run a close second to Steve Harvey and Thomas is push to number 3.”
“I love her too and she treats me good. What’s the beef between you and Unc?”
“We are oil and vinegar. He seem like the favorite, got all her attention, treated like his shit didn't stink. Treated with privilege because of his fair skin and good hair.”
“Is that your perception or is it really true?”
“Why is that even a question?”
“It’s a question because you haven’t told me the truth since I met you so excuse me if I question what you say?”
She adjust her strap on her purse and looks side to side.
“Thomas was privilege his side of the family took him on outings, camping, and staying in Beverly Hills for the weekend. I was jealous but it wasn’t fair when Mama wouldn’t let me see my father.”
“Mama Pearl loves you and this whole light skin and dark skins thing doesn't mean anything when you love someone. It is your hang up not Mama’s Pearl.”
“This is L.A. And skin complexion has always been the issue, Jensen. The difference from way back when whether you were a house nigger or a field nigga. I lived it my entire life and it is Beyoncé who is called sensuous because of light complexion and Lil Kim called a slut because her skin is darker than the brown paper bag. How hard it is for a dark skin woman to be married, to be loved, and cared for in this cruel ass world. No black man respects us.”
I rub my chin and look in the face.
“If I was light skin would you have told them to let me die.”
She looks away from me and folds her arms, clears her throat, and scratching her head.”
“I wasn't ready to be a mother .”
“As usual you're avoiding the question did you take one look at my brown skin. And tell them to let me die. Come on own up to your truth.”
“Yes.” She lower her head and the truth cut through my skin.
“ You're just as prejudice and you wanted me dead because I was a dark skin child.”
“I didn't want you to suffer in this cruel world with a mother who was unsure of herself, who hated her complexion, and yes your dark skin was reminder we wouldn't be accepted. Fucked up but I was a kid with issues.”
“And an adult with those same issues it is why you married a white man. It is why you still deny me and you hate Thomas.”
“ I married him out of love for your information.”
“And you didn't want dark skin babies. “
“Why is this even an discussion?”
“It is the missing pieces of my life and we can't go forward without dealing with the past. You want forward we have to look at the root of it.”
“I want you in my life.”
“Do you really?”
“Yes. I was scared of facing all your anger, hate, and my faults. I want the world to know you are my son.”
“Your handsome, brilliant, and suave son.”
She chuckles and wraps her arms around my waist.
“Handsome and so smart. You know Jensen you are wise beyond your age. I'm sorry
For ever denying you. For making the stupid choice and I will forever regret not being there for you. Now is the time to go forward and if you find it in your heart can I be your Mom and not just your murderer?”
“I can see that in the near future. One day at a time and some good barbecue.”
“That's my husband he will barbecue anything.”
“He seems good for you.”
“He is. You see Mama peeking out the window.”
I look over and the curtain closes.
“Yes.”
“I have to get out of here and take my medicine.”
“Tomorrow is dialysis.”
“Yes.”
“Can I come sit with you?”
“I like that i’ll pick you up at 8 in the morning.”
I hug her thid time and kiss the top of her head. Forgiveness came without being forced. I open the car door for her and she gets in.
She smiles and she touches my hand.
“You need to meet your father. He is a decent man and I think you two will connect. Here is card call him.