I sat in her office, drinking red tea, the portrait she waited for was on the easel, and it was me paying homage to her daughter Today is the five year anniversary of her daughter’s death. She has on a long black dress, white pearls around her neck, and a fedora hat. She sits in the chair and crosses her legs.
“I miss Delia today and I want to order her a strawberry and creme cake, buy her a cell phone, get mani and pedis together. I fucking want her here and...and... I can't bring her back. I feel fucked up today, feeling like just breaking things up, but what does that fix? “
“It helps with the pain?”
“Smoking Crack, breaking things are temporary Me binging on crack killed Delia. The permanent fix is giving love, paying homage to her and not going back to the addict I was. Enough mourning how are things?”
“I've been clean three months and counting. I'm in love with a man name Jensen Brick McCall and Mama Pearl is doing well. I'm feeling real good and a celebrity by the
name Mariah Carey commissioned me to do a family painting.”
“Dope news and what is sitting on the easel?”
“Your gift from me and payment for saving my life. Delia was innocent so I made her an angel of forgiveness, restoration but most of all love. The wings are spread because she is healing souls.
She removed the sheet, put her hand over her mouth, and floods of tears ran down her faith. She ran her hand over her face, kissed the picture, and she said,
“I am so sorry for being a sorry excuse for a mother. Sorry for sleeping while they killed you. I messed up bad but I promise to save every young woman so they won't get the same consequence. Janae this painting captures her essence and innocence. “
“Thank you.”
“You can't mess up this time do you hear me? You can't go back to drugs and cutting you are a genius with art. Your painting is on the level on Van Gogh. You have a man who loves you.”
“I don't know Inya he was hired to murder me but he didn't. How do you know it's real?”
“You’re alive and he supports you. Stop fearing happiness.”
“How can I not?”
She sits next to me pats the bean bag and I plop down on it.
“You know how pain feels, you know how rejection hurts, and how it feels to be strung out on drugs, AND to cut the pain. Try happiness because you are glowing with joy. Bad happens everyday and we easily embrace it but when happy comes around we fear it. No time to fear what you prayed for.”
“It seems so surreal happiness. To have a man hold you and embrace your heart, and your faults. I am overwhelmed with all this love.”
“My hubby today cooked me Delia’S favorite breakfast pancakes, eggs, whip cream and strawberries. He fed it to me and kissed every tear. Damn, when someone kisses every tear and swallows your pain. Love is beautiful, Janae when someone loves you fucked up, cracked out, looking like a Skeleton and he even kissed me then. Washed my hair, bathe me and didn't know if I was stricken with diseases. If a man can love you broken, bitter, and burden hold on to him. I believe Brick is that man.”
“I want to reach out to my mother and sister to apologize, to let go of that portion of my life. Love them even if it is at a distance. I’m going to be a mommy soon and so....”
Inya jumped up and put her hand on my belly. I felt love growing inside of me, this big mess was giving Brick a baby, giving him life because he saved me. I look out the window and today he is in a suit, a tie, and looking like a chocolate Adonis.
“My man is here and I was wondering Inya would you be the godmother. I know counselor and patient shouldn't...”
“I claimed her a minute ago as my God baby. You’re in my life now and I was destined to be here for you. Call your Mom and sister see you in two weeks. If you need me call, text, or come by Promise me.”
I kiss her cheek and give her a hug.
“Promise and Delia is proud of her Momma.”
“I feel it. Tell Brick hi and the best of wishes.”
I walk outside and he is standing in front of the car, he is smiling, and I can smell his cologne. I want to be the reflection of him, to birth a healthy baby, to make him proud.”
“Hey beautiful?”
“Hey you?”
He holds the door open for me and he kisses my lips. On this particular day the weather is perfect, the sounds of India AiRe crooning.
“I am now the proud owner of my own security firm.”
I jump up and down.
“You did it?”
“The money, the recommendation from Ms. Pearl, and detective Dartes pulled some strings. Bonded and fingerprints register with the government. I hired two retired officers who will help me set-up shop.”
“This is huge we need to celebrate but I have to call my mother and sister.”
“Are you sure, babe? I don't want this to mess you up.”
“You’ve become apart of my strength and nothing they say can shatter me.”
I hit the key and my mother phone rings three times and goes to voice mail. Her voice comes on and then the beep.
“Mom, I know you want nothing to do with me and I just want to apologize and move on. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I'm doing well and I hope you are too. God bless and I love you.”
The phone rings, my heart is startled, and my hand shakes.
“Hello.”
“I love you too, Janae. I miss you and I am so sorry for not being the best mother. “
“I'm so happy to hear you say that.”
“How sissy?”
“The baby died and it is like she is not the same. She moved out and went to school at Julliard Arts for dance. She’s different and she misses you.”
“Does she?”
“Yes, and I hope you are selling your art and ...um”
“Stop using drugs and cutting I have. I'm in love, happy and at peace.”
Brick winks at me and we are stuck in traffic. He holds my hand, kisses my fingertips, and happiness feels like God opened up heaven, and even on rainy days I can dance in it.
“Take care Mom text me every now and again.”
“I will call you everyday.”
“I’d like that.”
The traffic moves slower than a snail, the thought of being with child.
“Mama Pearl has a crush on the physical therapist and wants to dump Steve Harvey.”
We both chuckle.
“She is not dumping Steve.”
“Jensen.”
“Yes.”
“You are going to be a daddy?”
He smirks and the lane we are is moving.
“I know and that’s one down and four more to go.”
I touch my belly and he places his hand on top of mine.
“Sike. One baby maybe two.”
“I love you and you are meant for me. Two misfits meant to die and yet we are still here. They can't count us out yet.”
“Nope.”