In The Names, N. Scott Momaday combines family history, mythology, and personal reminiscences to weave a poetic tapestry spanning several generations. The Names chronicles Momaday’s personal quest for identity, a search that culminates near a hollow log in the legendary emergence place of the Kiowa people.
In this part of his autobiography, Momaday uses the power of his imagination to envision his grandfather, Mammedaty. He conjures his ancestor with words of remembrance and regeneration from inside a drawing. For Momaday, boyhood was a time in which to begin to form an idea of himself as a Kiowa.
Writer, poet, and artist, N. Scott Momaday (Kiowa) was born in Oklahoma in 1934. His novel House Made of Dawn won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 1969. He has published a number of books including The Way to Rainy Mountain, a compilation of myth and personal memory. His most recent novel is The Ancient Child. Momaday holds a Ph.D. in English literature from Stanford University. He currently teaches at the University of Arizona in Tucson.
CHILDREN TRUST IN LANGUAGE. THEY ARE OPEN TO THE POWER and beauty of language, and here they differ from their elders, most of whom have come to imagine that they have found words out, and so much of magic is lost upon them. Creation says to the child: Believe in this tree, for it has a name.
If you say to a child, “The day is almost gone,” he will take you at your word and will find much wonder in it. But if you say this to a man whom the world has disappointed, he will be bound to doubt it. Almost will have no precision for him, and he will mistake your meaning. I can remember that someone held out his hand to me, and in it was a bird, its body broken. It is almost dead. I was overcome with the mystery of it, that the dying bird should exist entirely in its dying. J. V. Cunningham has a poem, “On the Calculus”:
From almost nought to almost all I flee,
And almost has almost confounded
me;
Zero my limit, and infinity.
I can almost see into the summer of a year in my childhood. I am again in my grandmother’s house, where I have come to stay for a month or six weeks—or for a time that bears no common shape in my mind, neither linear nor round, but it is a deep dimension, and I am lonely in it. Earlier in the day—or in the day before, or in another day—my mother and father have driven off. Somewhere on a road, in Texas, perhaps, they are moving away from me, or they are settled in a room away, away, thinking of me or not, my father scratching his head, my mother smoking a cigarette and holding a little dog in her lap. There is a silence between them and between them and me. I am thoughtful. I see into the green, transparent base of a kerosene lamp; there is a still circle within it, the surface of a deeper transparency. Do I bring my hands to my face? Do I turn or nod my head? Something of me has just now moved upon the metal throat of the lamp, some distortion of myself, nonetheless recognizable, and I am distracted. I look for my image then in the globe, rising a little in my chair, but I see nothing but my ghost, another transparency, glass upon glass, the wall beyond, another distortion. I take up a pencil and set the point against a sheet of paper and define the head of a boy, bowed slightly, facing right. I fill in quickly only a few details, the line of the eye, the curve of the mouth, the ear, the hair—all in a few simple strokes. Yet there is life and expression in the face, a conjugation that I could not have imagined in these markings. The boy looks down at something that I cannot see, something that lies apart from the picture plane. It might be an animal, or a leaf, or the drawing of a boy. He is thoughtful and well-disposed. It seems to me that he will smile in a moment, but there is no laughter in him. He is contained in his expression—and fixed, as if the foundation upon which his flesh and bones are set cannot be shaken. I like him certainly, but I don’t know who or where or what he is, except that he is the inscrutable reflection of my own vague certainty. And then I write, in my child’s hand, beneath the drawing, “This is someone. Maybe this is Mammedaty. This is Mammedaty when he was a boy.” And I wonder at the words. What are they? They stand, they lean and run upon the page of a manuscript—I have made a manuscript, rude and illustrious. The page bears the likeness of a boy—so simply crude the likeness to some pallid shadow on my blood—and his name consists in the letters there, the words, the other likeness, the little, jumbled drawings of a ritual, the nominal ceremony in which all homage is returned, the legend of the boy’s having been, of his going on. I have said it, I have set it down. I trace the words; I touch myself to the words, and they stand for me. My mind lives among them, moving ever, ever going on. I lay the page aside, I imagine. I pass through the rooms of the house, slowly, pausing at familiar objects: a quiver of arrows on the wall, old photographs in oval frames, beaded emblems, a Bible, an iron bedstead, a calendar for the year 1942. Mammedaty lies ten years in the ground at Rainy Mountain Cemetery. What is there, just there, in the earth, in the bronze casket, under Keahdinekeah’s shawl? I go out into the yard; the shadows are long to the east, and the sunlight has deepened and the red earth is darkened now to umber and the grasses are burnished. Across the road, where the plain is long and undulant and bears the soft sheen of rose gentian and rose mallow, there are figures like fossils in the prisms of the air. I see a boy standing still in the distance, only his head and shoulders visible above the long, luminous grass, and from the place where he stands there comes the clear call of a meadowlark. It is so clear, so definite in the great plain! I believe that it circles out and out, that it touches like ancient light upon the thistles at Saddle Mountain, upon the broken floor of Boke’s store, upon the thin shadows that follow on the current of the Washita. And round on the eastern shelves I see the crooked ravines which succeed to the sky, a whirlwind tracing a red, slanting line across the middle distance, and there in the roiling dust a knoll, a gourd dance and give-away, and Mammedaty moves among the people, answers to his name; low thunder rolls upon the drum. A boy leads a horse into the circle, the horse whipping its haunches around, rattling its blue hooves on the hard earth, rolling its eyes and blowing. There are eagle feathers fixed with ribbons in the braided mane, a bright red blanket on the back of the black, beautiful hunting horse. The boy’s arms are taut with the living weight, the wild will and resistance of the horse, swinging the horse round in a tight circle, to the center of the circle where Mammedaty stands waiting to take the reins and walk, with dignity, with the whole life of the hunting horse, away. It is good and honorable to be made such a gift—the gift of this horse, this hunting horse—and honorable to be the boy, the intermediary in whose hands the gift is passed. My fingers are crisped, my fingertips bear hard upon the life of this black horse. Oh my grandfather, take hold of this horse. It is good that you should be given this horse to hold in your hands, that you should lead it away from this holy circle, that such a thing should happen in your name. And the southern moon descends; light like phosphorus appears in the earth, blue and bone, clusters of blue-black bunch grass, pocks in pewter. Flames gutter momently in the arbor and settle to the saffron lamps; fireflies flicker on the lawn; frogs begin to tell of the night; and crickets tell of the night, but there is neither beginning nor end in their telling. The old people arrive, the thin-limbed, deep-eyed men in their hats and braids, the round-faced women in their wide half sleeves and fringed shawls, apron-bound, carrying pots and pans and baskets of food—fried bread, boiled cracked corn, melons, pies and cakes—and for hours my grandmother has been cooking meat, boiled beef, fried chicken, chicken-fried beefsteaks, white and brown gravies. Cohn’ Tsotohah, Tsoai-talee, come here; I want to tell you something. I sit at an old man’s knee. I don’t know who he is, and I am shy and uncomfortable at first; but there is delight in his eyes, and I see that he loves me. There are many people in the arbor; everyone listens. Cohn’, do you see the moon? The full, white moon has receded into the southeast; it is a speckled moon; through the arbor screen it shimmers in the far reaches of the night. Well, do you see?—there is a man in the moon. This is how it happened: Saynday was hungry. Oh, everyone was hungry then; the buffalo were keeping away, you know. Then Saynday’s wife said to him, “Saynday, tomorrow the men are going on a hunt. You must go with them and bring back buffalo meat.” “Well, yes,” said Saynday. And the next day he went out on the hunt. Everyone found buffalo, except Saynday. Saynday could find no buffalo, and so he brought some tomatoes home to his wife. She was angry, but she said to him, “Saynday, tomorrow the men are going hunting again. Now I tell you that you must go with them, and you must bring back buffalo meat.” “Well, yes,” said Saynday. And again he went on the hunt. Everyone found buffalo, except Saynday. He could find no buffalo, and so he brought tomatoes home to his wife again. She was very angry, but she said to him, “Saynday, tomorrow the men are going hunting again. You must go with them, and you must bring back buffalo meat.” “Well, yes,” said Saynday. And Saynday went out on the hunt for the third time. And it was just the same: everyone found Buffalo, except Saynday. Saynday could find no buffalo, and so he brought tomatoes home to his wife again. She was so angry that she began to beat him with a broom. Saynday ran, but she ran after him, beating him with the broom. He ran faster and faster, until he got away, and then he wanted to hide. He hid in the moon. There he is now in the moon, and he will not come down because he is afraid of his wife. My people laugh with me; I am created in the old man’s story, in his delight. There is a black bank and lightning in the north, the moon higher and holding off, the Big Dipper on a nail at the center of the sky. I lie down on the wide bench at my grandmother’s back. The prayer meeting goes on, the singing of Christian hymns in Kiowa, now and then a gourd dance song.
There would be old men and old women in my life.
I invented history. In April’s thin white light, in the white landscape of the Staked Plains, I looked for tracks among the tufts of coarse, brittle grass, amid the stones, beside the tangle of dusty hedges. When I look back upon those days—days of infinite promise and steady adventure and the certain sanctity of childhood—I see how much was there in the balance. The past and the future were simply the large contingencies of a given moment; they bore upon the present and gave it shape. One does not pass through time, but time enters upon him, in his place. As a child, I knew this surely, as a matter of fact; I am not wise to doubt it now. Notions of the past and future are essentially notions of the present. In the same way an idea of one’s ancestry and posterity is really an idea of the self. About this time I was formulating an idea of myself.
Miss Johnson said Mayre not Mary why doesn’t she talk the way she’s supposed to and that Tommy the dirty rat I’ll knock his block off and not care if he tells he tells everything and the time Billy Don and I got spanked because we were throwing snowballs and broke a window the one on the side not the driver’s side and the lady was smiling until that happened driving slowly and smiling and the glass went crack it was only cracked and then she got mad not really mad but oh oh now we have to do something about that this and that you’ll never know just how much I love you I didn’t want to go to Mrs. Powell’s because she has all those nice things in her house and you have to sit still and she watches you and one time she wouldn’t even let me eat an orange in her car it smells she said and your fingers get sticky she said and I don’t like her crummy cactus garden either well I like it but there are a lot of better cactuses over by Billy Don’s dad’s place I wonder who that girl was the soldier’s girl on the library lawn and they were having their picture taken and the soldier was trying to touch her down there and she was giggling and I heard the twins laughing about it and I wanted to laugh too but the girl was pretty and I thought she should not have let him do that she’s really good and decent probably maybe she was ashamed and didn’t know what to do but laugh that’s the way I am sometimes oh my gosh mom and dad heard me yesterday and I was singing You’re in the army now you’re not behind the plow you’ll never get rich you son of a bitch and they heard me and weren’t mad but said not to sing that even if all the other kids were singing it I think dad wasn’t sure and said he said son of a bee didn’t he and mom said yes he did and I did but I didn’t know it I really didn’t know it and one time in the arbor Lucius told me I said some bad words and Aunt Clara heard me and I didn’t know I had said them how could I just forget like that Lucius and Marland and Justin Lee and Ponzi we used to play around the arbor and the outhouse and tell jokes and smoke why did Burt tell me he was smoking oak leaves and that was all right well he’s a lot older but I bet that wasn’t oak leaves maybe it was anyway John was in the shower and I was playing at the sink in the kitchen and I wasn’t trying to make the water hot but he thought I was well what’s today Wednesday or Thursday no Saturday Saturday at the show when the crook came out on the porch and he started to smoke a cigarette and everyone thought Bob had got killed I didn’t though the crook fell then and we all yelled like crazy next time old Bob will get in trouble again and Hopalong Cassidy is coming to the Reel Fred Jackson is a sergeant is he yes but he got busted someone said for fighting for hitting his commanding officer he’s pretty okay to me why does he like those records Glenn Miller and Tommy Dorsey and Harry James Sleepy lagoon mom and dad too dad likes that music I think maybe at the Avalon When the lights go on again all over the world oh Billy Don and Burleigh those dumb guys this morning no yesterday no this morning I had to keep them quiet because mom was sleeping she loves to sleep late I don’t like it though I like to get up but I had breakfast in bed I made it eggs and toast and jam and I took it to my bed and ate it in bed well I don’t do it all the time I pledge allegiance to the flag indivisible My country ’tis of thee sweet land of liberty oh gosh Guadalcanal it isn’t so bad to get shot I guess if it’s a flesh wound get the medic but they strafe the beach John says the Zeros are more maneuverable but a lot slower than the P-39s and the Mustangs what do they call the P-38s they’re so awful fast I’m in a Bell P-39 okay no a Flying Tiger okay sons of the rising sun this is for my kid brother ha gotcha oh oh there’s a Zero on my tail eeeeeeooooooooooow lost him in the clouds just dropped down and let him go over me and climbed up oh he can’t believe it he’s in my sights cross hairs there Tojo that’s for the Sullivans well Chuck you can paint four more Zeros on old Sally here no I’m okay thanks honorable colonel we must stop Momaday he comes from nowhere from the sun I tell you he’s not human they say he’s an Indian that he wears an eagle feather has the eyes the heart of an eagle he must be stopped there son of the rising sun that’s for Major Anderson eeeeeeeeeooooooooow what oh another medal oh it was nothing sir it was for my kid brother sir he got his over Burma it was for the Sullivan boys and Major Anderson what lead the eagle squadron yessir thank you sir it’s a great honor
I don’t want to see Louise again not since I made that lemonade and she was the only one who bought some shoot for a nickel it was and she came across the street and said it was good and cold and thanked me I hate Henry Aldridge too what was that really neat program The Monkey’s Paw The Most Dangerous Game The Mollé Mystery Theatre.
I asked Billy Don if his mom and dad told him stories when he went to bed and he laughed once upon a time there were three pigs Rootie and Tootie and Pootie and Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse Scotty had a brand-new red car and it was snowing outside Billy Don began to laugh he got so tickled and we were all surprised because gosh it was right there in school what is it Billy Don the teacher said and he said oh nothing you wouldn’t understand I was just thinking and we all laughed like heck it was so funny Ida was sent out of the room and I felt funny about that that she was sent outside and knew that we were all talking about her gee and Miss Marshall said you must not be cruel some people do not have as much as you do and Ida can’t help it her clothes are old and dirty I found her crying in the bathroom and you must not be cruel you must make her feel that you are all her friends and then we all went out of our way to be friendly even Charles you’re an Indian Charles said and I said yes Indians are no good he said and I said you’re a liar he can’t stand to be called that gosh anything but that and he’s so tough so I took it back
Grandma I miss you I feel sorry for you when I come to see you and see you and go away I know you’re lonely I like to see you I love to see you in the arbor cooking and talking to us you goot boy you say Scotty you goot boy and you used to carry me on your back in your shawl and hold me in your lap and I came to sleep with you and you’re so soft and warm and I like the smell of you your hair is so thick and heavy it is so black except for the gray here and there you buy me candy corn and candy orange slices jellybeans animal crackers I like to watch you sew and make beadwork let’s go to town grandma to the store you have so much money always Uncle Jimmy has money sometimes he buys me something down by Lonewolf his land everyone says he’s going to give me some land someday oh yes Miss Marshall my dad’s people the Kiowas they have a lot of land in Oklahoma my uncle is going to give me some land quite a lot of it someday no ma’am he’s not a farmer but he owns farmland yes ma’am it’s very strange well yes ma’am I’m a Kiowa yes ma’am I’m sure it’s not Keeowa no ma’am I can’t say the Lord’s Prayer in Kiowa I can’t say much of anything really my dad can yes ma’am I am proud to be so American I know it ma’am Lay that pistol down babe
Oh I feel so dumb I can’t answer all those questions I don’t know how to be a Kiowa Indian my grandmother lives in a house it’s like your house Miss Marshall or Billy Don’s house only it doesn’t have lights and light switches and the toilet is outside and you have to carry wood in from the woodpile and water from the well but that isn’t what makes it Indian its my grandma the way she is the way she looks her hair in braids the clothes somehow yes the way she talks she doesn’t speak English so well Scotty you goot boy she says wait I know why it’s an Indian house because there are pictures of Indians on the walls photographs of people with long braids and buckskin clothes dresses and shirts and moccasins and necklaces and beadwork yes that’s it and there is Indian stuff all around blankets and shawls bows and arrows everyone there acts like an Indian everyone even me and my dad when we’re there we eat meat and everyone talks Kiowa and the old people wear Indian clothes well those dresses dark blue and braids and hats and there is laughing Indians laugh a lot and they sing oh yes they love to sing sometimes when an old man comes to visit he sits in the living room and pretty soon he just begins to sing loud with his eyes closed but really loud and his head nodding and in the arbor there are sometimes pretty often a lot of people and lots to eat and everyone sings and sometimes there are drums too and it goes on through the night that’s Indian my dad sets out poles on the river and we eat catfish that’s Indian and grandma goes to Rainy Mountain Baptist Church that’s Indian and my granddad Mammedaty is buried at Rainy Mountain and some of the stones there have peyote pictures on them and you can hear bobwhites there and see terrapins and scissortails and that’s Indian too
I gave mom Evening in Paris perfume and a little handkerchief and she was thrilled said so Mother’s Day but when I was just a kid last year two years ago I can’t remember I went on an Easter egg hunt at school no the park and I got some Easter eggs but I ate them and brought home nothing and was ashamed forever
I’ll have a sweetheart in the war and she will look like Faye Emerson when I was at grandma’s I had a picture of Faye Emerson it was in a magazine I think and she was my sweetheart and I talked to her all the time I love you darling don’t worry oh I know it’s tough war is heck but though there’s one motor gone we will still carry on Faye yes Faye Emerson Montclair New Jersey if anything happens to me Billy Don see that she gets this letter we were going to be married and live in a little bungalow out west hear that Billy Don that’s it time to go thumbs up buddy old pal take care of things take care of that leg pal I’ll miss you Oh don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me anyone else but me anyone else but me I’m gonna dance with the dolly with the hole in her stocking while her knees keep a knocking while her toes keep a rocking hi’ya Hitler here’s one for Major Jordan okay Billy Don you take the ball see and lateral to me and then run out straight sure I can throw it that far can you run that far they won’t know what hit them there’s a game tonight isn’t there oh I love the games the air is cold and full of music and shouting the field is so green under the lights and the stripes are so white so much excitement I heard one of the high-schoolers say the Cavemen were going to win that if they couldn’t win on the field they were sure as heck going to beat them off the field everything depends on the game this game the Eagles and the Cavemen I got as close as I could I could see how hard they were playing playing so hard they were crying some of them their arms and legs bandaged and blood showing through cussing at each other I was kind of scared and the quarterback called the signals and the ball was in the air and the helmets and pads cracked together oh it was grand I love football nothing could be better than to be a great football player a back a quarterback or a fullback I told the Canons that I was a tailback but I don’t know what that is
Maybe I’ll go to Kirby’s house but I don’t like him well he’s all right but he’s funny his folks are funny like that time I knocked on the door and no one answered and in the yard I picked up a piece of wood black wood a little block nailed to a big block and I was looking at it it looked like a German submarine and Kirby yelled out the window and everyone was there inside and told me to put it down it was his or what was I doing with it anyway but I wasn’t going to take it steal it but it felt just like I was stealing it the way they spied on me I didn’t know what to do but they were watching me all the time hiding there in the house why don’t they answer the door Kirby’s dad was in the army a long time ago the First World War and he was gassed Kirby said and there was a gas mask in the closet there I had never seen one a real one before and Kirby and I when we were little used to play war and our rations were always mustard sandwiches I don’t know why but they were always mustard sandwiches the bread got dry and the mustard too and darker funny color like sometimes the sand like the canyons at Chinle yeah it’s Begay sir he comes from Chinle Arizona I knew him yessir eeeeeeeoooooow puh uh uh uh uh uh uh there you son of the rising sun that’s for Corporal Begay the nurse sir oh her name is Faye yessir her father is Doctor Emerson of Montclair New Jersey very rich oh that time at Chinle Jimmy King mom said Jimmy King dressed up like Santa Claus and woke me up I was so excited scared I guess I didn’t know what to do I couldn’t say anything I just sat up in bed and my eyes were big mom said Jimmy was a boxer mom said a terrific boxer dad said Golden Gloves and he could beat guys twice his size or was it Shiprock Jimmy King came from Shiprock there was Sylvia oh gosh I was little then just a kid but I remember Sylvia’s birthday party and I took a crummy present a coloring book maybe was it raining it was dark then Faye came over and we did that thing on the bed standing up she asked me if I knew how sure I said Ponzi and Justin Lee told me mom came in and said what are you doing and Faye told her said that word and mom told me not to do it again she told me later when everyone had gone but dad was there and he said what what did he do and never mind mom said gosh I was just a kid then Onward Christian soldiers the Canons kidnapped Chiquita and left a note for mom pay fifty dollars or you’ll never see this dog again earlier I was throwing Chiquita up in the air letting her fall on the bed she didn’t like it but I did dad teases her and she gets mad and growls and snaps at him she’s so smart mom says and she doesn’t like anyone the way she likes mom and those dogs Billy Don’s dogs got married and we watched and Billy Don got really scared and went yelling they’re stuck they’re stuck and JJ turned the hose on them
That really old woman across the creek what’s her name Keahdinekeah the way she looks gray hair so thin wrinkled skin scary eyes gray eyes and can’t see the way she smells and she cries she reaches out and her hands are so little and soft and her voice is so high and crying like a baby’s voice eh neh neh neh neh then she cries yes that’s Indian dad says his.dad used to take him in a wagon to Anadarko and they would stop eat watermelons in the shade that’s Indian my dad’s a great artist he’s painting that picture of a war dancer maybe a buffalo hunt and somebody’s going to win it at school or the PTA I don’t know only I said he would do it so he has to do it dad says grandma’s getting old and she likes for all of us to come home and she hugs me and says eh neh neh neh neh Scotty you goot boy and sometimes I sleep in the arbor it’s cool out there and Jimmy and Ralph sleep out there the benches are hard but grandma puts lots of covers on the benches and the covers are cool and the moonlight comes in but grandma has prayer meetings in the arbor and they go on and I get so sleepy but first it’s fun because there are kids there and the kids don’t want to stay in the arbor and sing and talk we run around outside oh but when aunt Clara and uncle Dick and Marland and Lucius are there it’s good it’s fun they always bring lots of food candy and cookies Kool-Aid toys too surprises I love to go to get the ice it’s so cold in the icehouse it feels so good because it’s so hot outside and I get so thirsty we get a big block of ice fifty pounds I guess and take it home to the icebox in the arbor and then ice in everything tea and soda pop and we can have ice cream and the icebox is full all the time she cooks all the time and the wind blows there are berries down there pecans by the river so dark there
Maybe I will see Mammedaty he will be there just appear not in a dream but really a vision like mom’s mother the way she came beside the bed and she was an angel and was just there who are you maybe I will say but I will know who it is maybe he will look like that picture in the same clothes holding the feathers not smiling but looking just so calm hello are you in heaven grandpa yes I am in heaven well how is it there it is all right but it isn’t what everyone says it is what everyone thinks is it beautiful grandpa no not beautiful but it is very quiet very still are there others there grandpa are your mom and dad there no those old people they did not come here but it is all right can you leave yes sometimes if someone wants you needs you I need you don’t I grandpa well yes and I wanted to talk to you it is good that we talk together how many Indians are in heaven grandpa I don’t know oh grandpa I love you I want you to tell me stories the stories you used to tell my dad I told him many stories he will tell you will he tell me everything no not everything not even all he knows but it is all right it is all right will you tell me about your grandmother the one who was captured is she there no she is not here I have not seen her is Jesus there grandpa I have not seen him but I believe that he is here will I go to heaven grandpa I don’t know but it is all right you must not be afraid were you afraid to die no because I saw many things and you will see many things are you going will you come again no I will not come again but if I need you if you need me
Well I have a granddad Theodore Scott his big dog Chief horse Prince once he had a mule and I rode that mule through the barn door but there wasn’t room to go through not enough room to go through that door I don’t know how we got inside I told everyone mom and dad and granddad and no one could understand how it happened I could have been killed I guess when I get a horse he will have eyes like Prince beautiful eyes granddad was a sheriff too and he shot someone I think and a lot of people tried to shoot him he was too good for them he wasn’t afraid mom says he’s not afraid but he sleeps with a gun under his pillow Burleigh doesn’t believe it so don’t I don’t care it’s true I’ve seen the gun there I have seen it dad says not to be afraid I don’t think that guy will take my football again he grabbed my football I was walking through the yard the high school yard and he grabbed my football and knocked my ice cream down it fell in the dirt and he threw the football to another guy and they played with it keep away and I couldn’t get it back didn’t know what to do finally they got tired I guess and gave it to me but I was so late dad and I went to the high school to the principal’s office and they brought that big guy in and he said he wasn’t afraid of my dad but of course he was and I guess he was mad because I told on him and I hope I don’t see him anymore and I hope Kathleen didn’t see me when they took my ball well girls don’t understand they just don’t understand like that time at Louise’s house when we were playing games and then we sang and I kept turning around to see that pretty big girl older and really pretty and I just wanted to look at her only pretty soon she started crying and everyone wanted to know what was wrong and Mr. Roth tried to make her stop calm her down and said Marie what’s wrong and she was crying and said oh they all look at me like I had horns and it was me all my fault and I thought I had done something bad terrible but it was just a misunderstanding I thought she was really pretty that’s all
And that pretty girl next door Priscilla she’s so dumb and Alvin her brother he’s so dumb all he does is talk about God and the Bible and church and that time he kept asking me about prayers my prayers and I said he descended into hell and on the third day he arose again from the dead and he ascended into heaven and Alvin said what you mean Jesus went to hell and I didn’t know so I said yeah I guess so and he told his sister and his mom and dad and I wanted him to shut up but he told everybody that I said Jesus went to hell and I didn’t know what to do that time either
Well I might go to West Point I told mom that I was probably going to West Point and she said well we’ll see you can probably go to West Point if you really want to I want to but maybe my eyes aren’t good enough Tommy said you have to have really good eyes my eyes are pretty bad I guess the doctor said I would have to wear glasses how long I asked him and he said well you’ll probably have to wear them all your life the Indians didn’t wear glasses not the Kiowas how can you hunt buffalo with glasses on I broke my glasses where is West Point anyway They died with their boots on Custer was at West Point and he liked onions Taking a chance on love
Miss Johnson said Mayre not Mary and she says mary not merry mary Christmas Christmas I got boxing gloves and a football and a really good pen once I got a train I got boxing gloves real ones then everybody wanted to box with my gloves we had a tournament and I knocked Earl out well he didn’t fall down but he acted really funny knocked out I hit him pretty hard I guess the twins are always fighting each other and they both have a lot of scars they’re tough and they get in a lot of trouble after school last week they got in a big fight and Seldon was on top of Meldon hitting him hard in the face Meldon was crying but he was talking really dirty calling Seldon terrible names and blood was all over the place and we were all watching it was so terrible and Seldon better kill Meldon while he’s on top and then a lady drove by and stopped and she was really upset and she bawled us all out and said she was going straight to the principal and Norman said aw ma’am they’re brothers Billy Don told me the twins used to hit each other over the head with milk bottles the Mollé Mystery Theatre Amos ’n’ Andy how do you do Mom said she heard me telling those guys Billy Don and Burleigh to be quiet mom’s sleeping and that was sweet she said she really thought that was great of me and dad’s always saying that’s great sometimes he goes to Midland or Odessa I wish I could go we used to go out in a pickup at Chinle with Blackie in the back and the Navajo kids would see us and Blackie barked like crazy oh but that time at San Carlos when that crazy guy on the white horse chased me and mom and mom was scared and I guess I was really scared too but I can’t remember so well but mom talks about it a lot and dad wasn’t there and the guy was drunk and crazy and really mean and we ran to the trading post and it was closed and mom pounded on the door and finally the trader opened up and let us in and said it was a good thing he was there oh those Apaches they have beautiful horses one day I went to Mr. Patayama’s house there and he was taking a nap and Mrs. Patayama told me to be quiet and mom was mad at me because I had bothered those dumb people I was in a program at the school there and I said I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country Nathan Hale Joe Louis beat Buddy Baer in the first round A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
My name that’s Indian my names Tsotohah Tsoai-talee Kiowa George gave me that name Kiowa George Poolaw on his gravestone at Rainy Mountain Pohd-lohk those funny names Pohd-lohk Kau-au-ointy that’s Indian Mammedaty Huan-toa and mom Natachee too that’s Indian the round dance holding hands moving round sideways singing the dresses swaying those beautiful shawls and moccasins beadwork the war dancers feather bustles bells quills we went somewhere Carnegie or Anadarko or Hobart that time there was a dance and give-away oh it was fine all the colors everyone was wearing such fine clothes the dancers had fans and rattles there was one big drum those men four or five were beating that drum like making thunder the ground seemed to shake and the dancers their feet seemed to make the thunder how do they do it keep time that way so perfectly that’s Indian and when they stopped the give-away those women put lots of things down on the ground heck anybody could just go out there and take them blankets and stuff money too but sometimes they call out the names Indian names and those people come out and get gifts dad got a blanket Pendleton blanket plaid red and blue and green mom got a shawl black with red flowers that old man gave me some money two dollars two dollar bills they were new they were folded once the long way like paper airplanes and Jimmy and Lester gave me money too they always give me money that’s Indian that give-away it’s funny it takes such a long time you get bored well I get bored if you don’t get anything and have to watch just sit there talking maybe resting and the boy the water boy comes around with a bucket of water and a dipper and the dancers drink it’s so hot and all the names are called out Goombi Poolaw Tsoodle Tonamah Poorbuffalo Whitehorse those funny names Marland told me someone’s name was Chester Meat and he got so tickled it was somehow it was really funny like Billy Don that time and we all laughed Chester Meat and we all really laughed that’s Indian Chester Meat you’d be so nice to come home to dad said one time Mammedaty got a horse at the give-away a black horse really a good one well I guess it was the best horse in the world it was black dad said and it had a red blanket on its back and it pranced and danced around and there were feathers in its hair its mane and tail and that time too a girl dad said a beautiful girl in a buckskin dress beautiful beadwork white buckskin she had hair so black and black eyes dad said she was given a name at the give-away and it was good dad said a good thing to be given a name there and the girl was very beautiful and everyone was honored everyone honored her because of that maybe I would have married her if I had been there did she look like Faye Emerson no Minnehaha that’s Indian hey when was that I was in Roswell I went to a show it was a good show all about was it Billy the Kid there was a Mexican his name was Jose I hadn’t heard that name Jose before and it sounded good to me and I kept saying it over and over again Jose Jose Jose Jose Jose I liked it and mom said she visited Mrs. Garrett Elizabeth I think and her dad Mrs. Garrett’s dad killed Billy the Kid well yes I killed the little varmint of course yes he came in you see the room was dark very dark you couldn’t see really but he said who is it or who’s here or there or something like that I squeezed the trigger there was a flash in the room I saw him he fell oh yeah well listen here Garrett go for your gun Garrett gun Garrett gun Garrett I’ll give you the chance you never gave poor Billy Garrett go for it what you’re not afraid are you Garrett oh call me Jose just say that I’m a friend of the man you shot down in cold blood pough that’s for Billy pough that’s for Billy’s girl Faye pough that’s for Billy’s mom that gray-haired little woman back in Silver City pough that’s for Billy and me Billy and me we rode the range together
All right Angelo look we can do it we’re only behind by six points I can get clear look I know I can get clear look just watch me I’ll go right down the sideline get the ball to me okay on three oh yes I’ve got it here they come I stiff-arm one get the knees high high pour it on now you’re fast fast ladies and gentlemen this is incredible it looked like a run all the way but Bertelli hid the ball and at the last moment flipped a pass to Momaday in the flat and now the chief has it on his own thirty-five he stiff-arms one man slides off another my lord how did he get out of that there were four blue jerseys he was completely boxed in five six seven men had a shot at him oh now he’s reversing his field the stands are going wild two more tacklers get their hands on him but he gets away simply incredible I don’t believe my eyes he’s at the fifty the forty-five the forty the thirty-five only one man now between him and the goal the thirty the twenty-five he feints he spins he side-steps the lone defender is helpless ladies and gentlemen tied in a knot Momaday trots now walks the ball across the goal line touchdown Notre Dame ladies and gentlemen that play covered ninety-seven yards from scrimmage the fans are wild the most brilliant bit of broken-field running this announcer has ever seen
The dog Wahnookie at Shiprock German shepherd would not let anyone come near me stood between me and anyone else anyone she didn’t know well I was just a baby then learning to walk I guess once I went to sleep outside under the slide in the playground and dad came looking for me with a switch and I was afraid but I said hi dad and before he could get mad he said hi and everything was all right oh that geography Sacramento is the capital of California Olympia is the capital of Washington Pierre is the capital of South Dakota is it I think so Albany is the capital of New York arithmetic I hate it what I do sometimes is draw in the books move the pencil down through the words not through the words but around the words well among the words not touching them oh make believe I’m running with the football the words are tacklers move the pencil real fast if you touch a word you’re tackled I showed Billy Don now he does it too maybe I’ll spend the night at Billy Don’s house but last time I got homesick in the night and went home and mom was up sitting at her dresser and she was glad to see me and missed me too and did we whip cream stiff with sugar JJ sings those dirty songs but they are funny tells jokes daddy what’s that that’s my roll of bills mama what’s that that’s my purse daddy will you put your roll of bills in mama’s purse and the girls of France
Last summer I had that little dagger that Mexican dagger from Mrs. Ball’s shop I think and I practiced and practiced throwing it holding the point very lightly between my finger and thumb how was it the dagger felt just right balanced just easily there and finally I could stick it in the ground almost every time then there was the horny toad on the ground and I just saw it and just automatically I flipped the dagger down and it went right through the horny toad I didn’t mean to do it it just happened gosh the horny toad wasn’t dead but it had the dagger sticking through it and it seemed just the same looking around and I had to get my dagger back but I didn’t like to touch it then but I did and I threw the horny toad off and it didn’t die or act hurt even but I was a little bit sick I think then afterwards I thought it was pretty neat and I told Billy Don and all the kids you don’t want to make any sudden moves when I’ve got that Mexican dagger it just flicks out like the tongue of a snake partner oh yes like the time this dumb kid jumped on me from behind we were on the playground at lunchtime or recess and this dumb kid jumped on my back and I threw him over my shoulder and he fell on his head and started to cry and I was scared he was hurt and I wanted to say I’m sorry but there were these girls watching and one of them said gee he must be tough and I really liked that so I didn’t apologize heck it wasn’t my fault the dumb jerk that will teach him to sneak attack it was just a reflex action like throwing the Mexican dagger and that time I threw Leroy Woodley into the lockers it wasn’t all that hard but it made a terrific bang like a bomb or something and it scared everybody me too but he wasn’t hurt I am tough I guess really tough but Billy Don is tougher
Oh I have had a toothache don’t tell me about toothaches there’s nothing worse I had a bad toothache I was lying on the divan crying and mom and dad were trying to make me feel better but I just kept crying softly I think bravely and dad asked me what would make me feel better an official Boy Scout hatchet I said and he said okay I could have it
Last night driving along the sky was so red and streaked and everything so still the ground big and black my dad singing Indian songs my mom talking to him and laughing talking to me and laughing and Chiquita on her lap and the flare out there in the fields the smell of the place but going on driving on out and away from Hobbs towards Jal Caprock the ground so big and black the air so cool after the hot hot afternoon the sound of the wind rushing by star star shining bright first star I’ve seen tonight I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight oh please I wish
Miss Johnson said Mayre not Mary and if Jeanine doesn’t come to school on Monday I’ll put one of those rubber mice or snakes in her desk the sky so red really red and beautiful it was then it was dark all around the headlights jumping around and I put my hand out the window and felt the wind so cool so hard on my hand I guess we were going fast and other stars were around all around there were so many and so close sometimes you see shooting stars the stars were so close last night when we got so far from town that there was no light on the sky no light but the stars on the sky and we stopped dad stopped the car and mom and dad and I and Chiquita got out and looked at the stars there were so many you couldn’t begin to count them and some of them were so close together they were like water on a window when you move rain around on the window with your hand I wanted to rub my hand across the sky to see the stars move and run and spread out on the sky the sky was so black so purple but there were so many stars and the stars were so bright the black was closed out almost there was the sky full of stars and made you shiver to see them to feel the cold to hear that the stars were so quiet
But I was yet a child, and I lay low at Hobbs, feeling for the years in which I should find my whole self. And I had the strong, deceptive patience of a child, had not to learn it as patience but only to persist in it. Patience is what children have; it is especially theirs to have. I grew tall, and I entered into the seventh grade. I sat looking into books; there were birds on the lawn, chirping. Girls ambled in the dark corridors in white socks and saddle oxfords, and there were round, sweet syllables on their tongues. Time receded into Genesis on an autumn day in 1946.
West of Jemez Pueblo there is a great red mesa, and in the folds of the earth at its base there is a canyon, the dark red walls of which are sheer and shadow-stained; they rise vertically to a remarkable height. You do not suspect that the canyon is there, but you turn a corner and the walls contain you; you look into a corridor of geologic time. When I went into that place I left my horse outside, for there was a strange light and quiet upon the walls, and the shadows closed upon me. I looked up, straight up, to the serpentine strip of the sky. It was clear and deep, like a river running across the top of the world. The sand in which I stood was deep, and I could feel the cold of it through the soles of my shoes. And when I walked out, the light and heat of the day struck me so hard that I nearly fell. On the side of a hill in the plain of the Hissar I saw my horse grazing among sheep. The land inclined into the distance, to the Pamirs, to the Fedchenko Glacier. The river which I had seen near the sun had run out into the endless ether above the Karakoram range and the Plateau of Tibet.