Jessica
Jessica had been sitting on the couch and staring at the TV for what felt like hours but was probably less than thirty minutes. Her restlessness kept her uncomfortable as her leg bounced rhythmically and her thumbs twiddled.
She wanted to call Carter, or better yet go after him, and be physically there for him. But she knew it wasn't what he needed right now. He'd want to be alone and sort through his emotions first. He was never one to outright go and seek comfort. At least not before he'd gotten himself under control and felt up to putting on a mask.
When the front door was finally unlocked, Jessica sprang to her feet and rushed to Ava. She seemed shrunken into herself, drained and distraught. Tears glistened on her face and her brows were creased as her gaze remained lowered. Jessica's first thought was to find who'd hurt her and break their nose.
"What happened?" Jessica asked.
Ava lightly shook her head. "I really messed up, Jessie," she said quietly. "I had no right…I shouldn't have…He's hurting badly, and it's all my fault."
Jessica didn't bother with more words and let her actions speak. She wrapped Ava up in her arms and held on tight, until she felt Ava start to relax. Jessica gave her another moment before she pulled back enough to shut the door and interlace their fingers, so she could steer them toward the couch. "You wanna tell me what happened?" she asked, seeking out Ava's lowered eyes without luck.
Ava shook her head. Jessica had to force herself not to feel hurt by it.
"It's not my story to tell." Ava's calm tone sounded forced.
Jessica nodded. "It's okay. I understand."
"Just know it's…it's really bad. They didn't just break up over nothing."
"Bad enough that it can't be fixed?"
Ava shrugged. "I don't know. You should've seen him, Jessie. He looked so tired. And worn-out. For once, he actually looked his age."
Jessica had never heard Ava sound so…helpless. Lost. Whatever Zyan had told her, it had made an impact. Did one of them have an affair? It was the only thing she could come up with, but why would it leave Ava so distraught?
Jessica shook off her musings. Her main concern was getting Ava to calm down and get some sleep. Taking care of Carter would come later, once he was willing to open up and accept her help.
With Ava in her pajamas and Jessica in borrowed sweatpants, they cuddled under the covers. Their hands cradled mugs of hot tea while Ava's laptop balanced on their legs and played one mindless video after another.
Jessica had hoped to distract Ava, but the look on her face made it clear that it wasn't working. Ava's mind was far away, trapped in a far-off dark corner, where guilt raged freely and gnawed at her with abandon. Jessica would take the silence by her side over the silence back home any day. She continued to point things out and make small comments to distract Ava, cheer her up, but it rarely worked. She'd laugh occasionally or click on another video herself, but soon after, she'd get that look back onto her face. Her brain refused to let her rest.
Jessica stayed with her that night. Neither of them got much sleep.
The morning after, Jessica offered Ava to stick around the rest of the day. It was Sunday: neither of them had to worry about work, and Jessica didn't like the thought of leaving Ava alone with her thoughts. Then there was Carter. After what they did, Jessica didn't know how he'd react to her showing up on his doorstep. Would he be angry? Disappointed? Would he feel betrayed? The uncertainty ate at her.
Ava declined her proposal. She told her to go home, to check in on Carter, and make sure he was taking care of himself. Jessica knew she was right, but still lingered for a few more minutes as they said their goodbyes.
"You just need to call me and I'll be right back over here, okay?"
Ava nodded, a tiny but genuine smile on her lips. "Okay."
Jessica returned the nod and gave her a small kiss. "No hesitation. You need me. I'll be there."
Ava returned the gesture with a kiss of her own. "Okay."
Jessica was gently rubbing over the fabric covering Ava's arms and shoulders. "Maybe I could stay with you for today and visit Carter tomorrow. I'm not even sure he wants to see me to begin with and—"
"Jessie," Ava cut her off. "Go."
Jessica sighed and dropped her hands as well as her gaze. "Okay."
"We need to fix this."
"I'm not sure we can."
Ava shrugged. "We still gotta try."
With a nod and another lingering kiss, Jessica said her goodbyes.
She reached Carter's apartment within twenty minutes. As she climbed the stairs, she sifted through her key-chain until she found the one for his door. There was no hesitation as she inserted it into the lock.
"Go away, Jess!" The voice was muffled through the door, but it was undoubtedly her best friend.
For a second, she halted in her movements but didn't remove the key.
"I mean it. I don't want to see you right now!"
She looked at the lines in the wood of his door as if she could look through if she only tried hard enough. "You need to talk about it, Carter." No response came, so she continued. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We weren't thinking…" She trailed off. What else was there for her to say?
Seconds ticked by, passing in silence, until a faint voice trickled through and met her ears.
"Come in."
She turned the lock and slipped into the warmth and comfort of Carter's apartment. Inside, she moved carefully and scanned the room until her gaze fell on Carter.
He sat curled up on the floor, propped up against the back of the couch. Guilt stabbed into her chest at the sight. She quickly turned to close the door before she walked up to him and settled down by his side, careful to keep a respectable distance between them.
She didn't speak. It didn't feel like it was her place to.
"It wasn't your fault," he said finally.
She looked up at him.
"We would've met again eventually," he elaborated.
Jessica nodded slowly but averted her gaze.
Carter fell silent again. A few minutes passed before he shifted his weight with a sigh. His shoulders heaved as he inhaled deeply. "Is there anything you want to ask?"
Her head shot up, and she made no attempt to hide her surprise.
"Go ahead," Carter encouraged her. "I'll try to answer whatever you want to know. I'd rather do this now than have you prying for the rest of my days…or rather, yours."
He seemed taken aback when she didn't start shooting questions right away. But she wanted to do this right, without dredging up too many painful memories. But ultimately, she didn't know if there was a way around it. If she wanted answers, Carter would have to suffer for it. The thought didn't sit right with her.
Another minute of silence passed as she contemplated what to ask. "Yesterday," she started eventually, "after you left, Ava talked to Zyan and…he told her something. She didn't tell me what it was, but it left her crying. I've never seen her like that, and I was wondering if you can tell me what you think he told her."
Carter looked thoughtful, eyes trained on the ring he kept twirling on his finger. She'd noticed him wearing it before, had always assumed it was simply a fashion choice, since he tended to wear necklaces or bracelets quite often, but now she wondered if it was actually a wedding ring.
When she looked from his hand back up to his face, she saw conflicting emotions flicker over his face. There was surprise, hurt, and shock before he schooled his expression and settled on neutral ground. The mask was back in place, the feelings buried deep. "I think I know what he told her," he answered finally. "And I can't say I'm not surprised he'd share this with her. But…I'd rather not talk about it right now."
"Ava said it was the reason you broke up," Jessica said.
Carter's eyes widened in surprise. "What? No. I mean…it might have played into it, but it wasn't the main reason."
"But Zyan told her…"
Carter furrowed his brow. "No, we got divorced because we were fighting all the time, and then Zyan started to shut me out, and we didn't talk to each other for days at a time, and when we did talk, it was only to yell at each other for not doing the chores. We weren't even sleeping in the same room anymore for almost two years before we finally broke it off."
Jessica frowned. "If it was so bad, why were you still pining over him?"
Carter started to pick at a loose thread on his sleeve. "I wanted to fix things. I kept trying to get him to talk to me, but he'd always find a way to turn my attempt at open conversation into an argument. Even when he started threatening with divorce, I was trying to talk him down—or well, shout him down—and get him to just tell me what I did wrong, but he wouldn't listen."
"Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me," Jessica replied. "Sounds more like you should be glad you got out when you did."
Carter shook his head. "You don't get it." He looked back over at her. "You don't know Zyan. Not like I do. Nobody does." He sighed and started kneading his palm with his thumb. "Zyan didn't used to be like that. He was always more serious than me, more restrained, but he was never short-tempered or cruel.
"He's always been a bit grumpy, but I knew how to make him smile and duck his head when he didn't want me to see that he thought I was funny. He's careful around people, he keeps up his walls, but it's not because he doesn't care. He's scared of getting hurt. He-he's aware of his immortality in a way I push out of my mind most of the time because I know it would hold me back and keep me from enjoying my life.
"He's…he's not a bad person. He's wonderful and complex and insightful, and I loved him so much…for centuries, and I can't— I can't just stop doing that. I tried, I did, but even after just that first glance at him, I felt the breath get knocked out of me, and I simply know this feeling will never go away.
"It's like I don't even know what to say or think when he's not around. Ever since yesterday, I've been feeling disconnected from reality, like I'll disappear any moment. I've been clinging onto the hope of seeing him again all this time, to get another chance to talk to him, to fix what I didn't mean to break and move on. Together.
"But when I had the opportunity, my mind was…blank. I just stared, until the door was almost shut in my face. And then I had the chance to say all the things I wanted to tell him for years, but I barely got out half of it. I told him I missed him, but even that didn't come out right."
He lifted his hand to pull at the cord hidden under his T-shirt. There were several rings threaded onto it, one of which he started to fiddle with.
"You still love him."
Carter nodded. "But he doesn't."
"You don't know that."
Carter shook his head. "He's moved on."
"If he told you that, he's lying," Jessica replied.
"How would you know?"
"Ava might not have told me what Zyan revealed to her, but she said enough for me to know Zyan's struggling just as much as you are."
Carter's fingers never stopped moving, even while his thoughts were clearly far away from the present. "Even if he did feel something for me, what makes you think he'll want me back?"
"Don't think about it as him taking you back," Jessica said. "Think of it as you mutually agreeing to put all cards on the table—no lies, no holding back—and then deciding where to go from there."
"He'd never agree to that. With how things went yesterday, I'm quite certain he'll never want to see me again."
"And I say you should go over there and check whether that's true or not. I'm pretty sure he's been up all night thinking, just like you, and it's probably made him analyze this entire dilemma from all angles. Maybe he reconsidered some things. Maybe he came to a conclusion you wouldn't have expected from him. Who knows? I just know you should give yourself the chance to figure it out."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to face him again."
"Will you ever be?"
"Good point."