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It was a good thing I was feeling so arrogant about independence, since George wasn’t even at home. Huh, guess he didn’t need me, either. Can’t say I liked that. Instead I was greeted by Leesha, looking even more worried and awks than I was suddenly feeling. Oh, thank God. I could forget my own issues for a while and concentrate on somebody else’s.
‘Everything alright?’ she asked, scrutinizing my worry lines.
‘Sure! You?’
‘Sure.’
Silence was my friend, not hers. I leaned back and started counting my fingernails, waiting. I got up to six before she groaned.
‘No, it’s my mom. I feel like I’m going to crack,’ she said, sinking back into the wall.
‘What’s happened?’
‘Same as before. You know she’s at work? Like, she literally only took a day off. Oh, she’s faking being upset and all, saying she wants to be busy, but I’m watching her, you know? It’s all an act. She really doesn’t care. It hurts.’
‘I may be pointing out the obvious here, but what about not watching her? If she didn’t care a week ago, she’s not gonna suddenly start caring now.’
‘Uh, because she’s my mom. No matter what she did-’
‘She killed you,’ I reminded her.
She started pacing through my bed. I think I was starting to piss her off.
‘She’s still my mom! God, what is with you? Look, this is complicated, alright?’
‘It’s really not,’ I frowned. ‘She killed you. She hated you. She still hates you. End of. It couldn’t be less complicated.’
‘She still loved me. She did!’ she emphasized as I dared to open my mouth. ‘In her own way. All parents love their kids, right? Kinda comes with the territory.’
I thought of my stellar relationship with my dad. We didn’t really speak unless I’d done something wrong. In his eyes, anyway. I’d actually spoken to his best friend more than him this week. Gotta say, wasn’t missing a thing.
‘I guess,’ I hazarded. ‘Doesn’t mean they have to like ’em, though.’
Apparently, she heard something in my tone and slowed down.
‘Sounds like the voice of experience.’
‘Well, you know how I’m trying to get you justice? That’s what I do with all lucies. It never starts or ends well. My dad doesn’t like it,’ I said, putting it mildly.
‘Can’t say I blame him. No offence. I only believe you see ghosts because I am one. Otherwise, I’d still be thinking you were a liar.’
Story of my damned, sorry life.
‘What about your mom?’ she asked.
Haha, what an easy question for me to answer.
‘She’s not around,’ I said after a moment.
‘Oh, I’m sorry.’
‘No, she’s not dead. I don’t think,’ I muttered.
Well, that got her attention. She stopped pacing altogether and sat cross-legged on the floor, waiting.
‘Hit me,’ she said.
Where the hell do I begin? How could I sum up my messed up life in a few measly sentences? Well, I could give it a shot.
‘Well, she left when I was six. Apparently. I literally only found this out on Monday when Tess told me. Before that, I thought she’d skipped out on me when I was still in diapers.’
‘That’s weird.’
Ooh, just wait.
‘I know-’
‘No, that’s really weird,’ she reiterated, giving me a hard stare. ‘Did you forget or something? Is it even possible to forget something like that?’
‘That’s sorta what I’m trying to figure out. George and I are kinda thinking that maybe it was so traumatic for me that I blocked it out of my memory.’
Her look said it all.
‘Like I said, trying to figure it out. But, don’t worry, my life story gets weirder.’
‘I’m listening.’
‘That’s around the time I started seeing ghosts. And you already know my dad’s reaction to that. George thinks I should ask him about all this, but I can’t. He’s already shipped me off to therapy and put me on meds. He’s threatened to stick me in a hospital for good if I mess up again. If I tell him that I can’t remember having a mom for a big chunk of my life, that’d tip him over the edge, you know? And here’s the really weird part. We never talk about her. There are no pictures of her anywhere. My dad’s best friend is staying here right now, and he drunkenly mentioned that they were arguing around the time she, uh-’
‘Disappeared?’ she asked, getting the right vibe I was feeling.
‘Yeah! I mean, tell me this is weird, right? I’m not crazy, am I? Not about this, anyway?’
She took a minute to think while I tried to calm myself down. I hadn’t wanted to say any of that out loud; I much preferred to pretend my life was totally fine, as you probably know. But, whatevs. It was a little therapeutic, I guess. And I was hella glad that George was not here. He’d never let me forget this. He’d think I should “do” something about it. Ugh, can you imagine? Thankfully, Leesha understood that all I really wanted was to vent.
‘My dad died when I was five,’ was her answer.
Okay, I was not expecting that.
‘Wow, that’s helpful, thanks. I mean, uh, sorry your dad died.’
‘I’m not finished,’ she tutted, waving away my weak-ass apology. ‘Believe me, it was incredibly traumatic for me. My mom was already a bitch, and my dad was the complete opposite. I needed him. Even back then, I knew everything was going to change. I missed him like mad. Still do, in fact. It was cancer. I watched it eat away at him, bit by bit, for almost a year. I didn’t really understand cancer, then. All I saw was my dad vanishing before my very eyes. I was there when he took his last breath. I was holding his hand, long after he passed. I felt it grow cold in mine.’
I don’t think I really kept the horror off my face.
‘Okay, you win the parent death game. That sounds utterly horrific.’
‘It was. Point is, I remember it,’ she said.
Yikes. So, I guess I could rule out terminal illness, then.
‘So, what the hell did you see?’
‘Not a damn clue, but I really don’t think I want to know the answer,’ I shuddered.
‘Well, no, but you need to know. Clearly, something happened. Something bad, that you witnessed as a kid. You can’t just forget it all over again.’
‘Watch me.’
‘Ann, stop playing dumb,’ she sighed. ‘It’s not going to work. It’s going to be in your head. You’ll be thinking about it. You need to know. I think you’ve gotta ask your dad. It’s the only way.’
‘Nope, I don’t think I do. I mean, there’s always been a gulf between my dad and me, and it’s only gotten worse over time. I predict in a couple years we won’t even be on speaking terms. I can deal with that. That’s cool.’
‘You won’t be able to put this off forever, you know,’ she told me quietly. ‘Something like this... it’s not gonna disappear. It won’t get better on its own. Trust me, I know a little something about hating a parent. And look where it got me.’
Oh good, so I had that to look forward to. And that was her attempt to convince me to talk to my dad? Uh, no thanks. I’ve seen enough of the lucy life to know that’s it’s so not for me.
You know, I had enough of other people’s problems to deal with first. Maybe, if all that dried up, then I’d take that trip down memory lane. Until then? I could damn well forget it.