Chapter Ten

those boys!

He really was beautiful. I know boys aren’t supposed to be, but he was.

John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I belong to that rare breed of girls who met her husband in high school. In my junior year, I took roll for the teacher in my drama class. One day, this guy named John came up to me, took my hand, and said, “Stasi. Love.” I said, “What do you want?” He said, “I’m leaving class today. Please don’t mark me absent.”

And so our friendship was born. He asked me not to mark him absent a lot. Some days I complied. Some days I didn’t. He never knew which was which and never asked. John was a rascal. He was a modern-day pirate who threw the Frisbee on the lawn at lunch like a Greek god and whose presence commanded the stage as well as any legendary Shakespearean actor. He was magnetic and I was drawn to him. He was trouble and I was in it.

The next year we shared drama class again, and my heart would skip a beat when John walked into the room. His presence made me feel charged with electricity. Any words he spoke to me felt thick with meaning, and I would ruminate over them for hours. A look, a smile, or a nod from him and I melted inside. I let him know that if he ever needed a ride home, he could ask me.

He started asking.

I love the story of our romance. Now I should say that we began to date, went to prom, went to college, got engaged, and then got married. Wouldn’t that be nice? That is not our story. I was mad about John my senior year. He did not share my feelings. A year later, he pursued me, but I didn’t trust him. For several years our relationship was hit but mostly miss, yet somehow I managed to survive the storms of unrequited love, hurt feelings, and long distance. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one years old that—well, that’s a long story for another time, but can I just say … BOYS!

They sure make life interesting. Like a roller-coaster ride is interesting.

different is good

The first thing the Bible tells us about people is that we are made in the image of God. “In the image of God he created them” (Gen. 1:27). The second thing we learn is that we are either male or female. “Male and female he created them” (v. 27). Gender is at the core of humanity. As a young woman, you are feminine. Guys are masculine. In the deepest part of their souls, not merely in their bodies, guys are guys. And guys—though of equal value and dignity to girls—are something quite “other” from them. But you knew that already.

Guys are different from girls inside and out. From the very beginning. Brain development, brain chemistry, and hormone levels vary by gender while infants are developing in the womb. Guys have hearts like yours with the same deepest longing—to be loved—but their other core questions, their core desires, and their fears take a different form.

Remember, every child enters the world with a question that needs an answer. It is simply this: “Am I loved?” Little girls ask the question (primarily of their father), “Do you delight in me? Am I special? Am I captivating?” Boys ask something else. They don’t need to know they are delighted in. They need to know they are strong. Their question is more along the lines of, “Do I have what it takes? Am I the real deal?”

Our core questions are different, and so are our core fears. A girl’s deepest fear is abandonment. (Isn’t it true? At some deep level, don’t you fear being abandoned and alone? That’s because you are made to never be alone. You are relational to your very center.) A guy’s deepest fear is failure. Being futile. Not being strong enough. Not having what it takes to make an impact for good. Not being able to handle tough situations—a flat tire, a bully, or a crying girlfriend.

Infant boys are more drawn to pictures of crowds than photos of an individual, while baby girls are more drawn to gaze at an individual face. Infant girls prefer to gaze at faces, while infant boys prefer looking at something that moves (like a mobile over the crib). Though their motor skills as children reach milestones at the same time, infant boys move more (wiggling and stretching) than infant girls. Boys’ physical strength buds earlier. More ER visits happen with boys than with girls. Baby girls are more verbal. They coo more. They talk more. So do women. Some studies say that women speak on average thirteen thousand more words in a day than men do.

It is not all a sociological by-product of how we raise sons and daughters differently from each other (though we do). Biology plays a large part. Gender is at the core of every human being. Scientists and sociologists alike are still trying to figure out how much of the differences stem from biology and how much from socialization, but by far most little boys prefer to move something and little girls prefer to nurture it.

We are different. Different is good.

Generally speaking, girls mature emotionally at a younger age than guys do. (You knew this already, didn’t you? Guys are from some other planet. “Girls are from Mars because they’re stars. Boys are from Jupiter because they’re”… different.) Girls think about relationships more. If you ask a guy what he is thinking and he says, “Nothing,” he actually means it. Really.

the talk

The other day I noticed two pairs of people about fourteen years old crossing the street. From a block away I could tell that the girls were trying to allure the attention of the guys. And the guys? They were clueless. They were bantering with each other and trailing a bit behind. They didn’t know how to act with or talk to those girls. All four of them were visibly uncomfortable walking in this new terrain of budding interest.

Okay, so let’s talk about sex a minute.

Guys generally mature sexually at a younger age than girls do. Their hormones kick in earlier than yours. Guys are more visually stimulated by the opposite sex, and girls are more emotionally stimulated. Studies show that guys peak in sexual desire around age eighteen and women peak in their forties. You can see there’s the potential for some conflict here. That simple difference has gotten many a young woman into trouble. The saying “Girls give sex to get love; guys give love to get sex” proved true in my life, and it didn’t go well for me.

My experiences with the opposite sex in middle school and high school weren’t so great. When I was fifteen, I was thrilled when a young man noticed me and asked me out on a date. I didn’t know then how much I was looking to the guy to validate me as a young woman. If he wanted me, then I must be worth wanting. If he thought I was pretty, then maybe I was. I handed over the report card of my life to the guy, and that was a bad move. Actually, it’s a bad move to hand over the report card on who you are to anyone, girl or guy, friend or parent. The only person who has the right to tell you who you are and how valuable you are is God. And he has spoken.

But I didn’t know that in high school. All I knew was that this first young man in my life was the cute star of the basketball team and he wanted me, so TA DA! I also didn’t know that this first boyfriend of mine wasn’t that at all. He was actually on a dare to see how far he could go with me and planned to share all the intimate details with the rest of the team. To say that hurt or was embarrassing to me is a very large understatement. I didn’t want sex. I wanted love. I didn’t get it.

Helpful hint: If a young man says to you, “Don’t worry, I won’t bite,” back away. Because, yes, he will.

Another mistake I made in high school, and many of my friends made it too, was to shift too much power to the guys while robbing it from the girls. What did this or that guy think, say, do, ask? Those were the engrossing questions. Girlfriends were sacrificed on the altar of “I’ve got a boyfriend now.” Friendships that may have lasted for years were set aside in the interest of a relationship with a guy that may have lasted barely a few months or even days. Something inside of too many of us handed away our self-worth to the cutest guy who made our heart skip a beat. Yikes. Treasure your girlfriends. Those friendships have the potential to last a lot longer and ultimately matter a lot more than the romances do.

Now let’s really get into it. How far do you think it’s okay to go? Base-wise, I mean. What about if you really love each other? What do your friends think? What would your parents say? What does God say?

It’s pretty popular in Christian circles these days to hold to the letter of the law. The Bible is cut-and-dried about sexual intercourse outside of marriage. It’s called fornication and is a big, unambiguous no. Where some people are getting into trouble is in thinking that though sexual intercourse is not what God wants, everything and anything else is a go. You may have heard that vaginal penetration is against the will of God but oral sex is fine. Every other base is sanctioned but the fourth one. Wrong.

That is what is called following the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law. Sexual intimacy of all kinds is neither wise nor sanctioned outside of the marriage bed. Sexual purity, sexual integrity is one of your greatest gifts. It’s to be guarded and treasured. Remember Proverbs 4:23: “Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Remember ungodly soul ties? We are emotional creatures, and where our bodies go, so do our hearts.

This topic is so vital that I cannot begin to do it justice in a mere section of one chapter, so I suggest that you talk honestly about this with adults you trust. As I said earlier, one book that is really good and thorough for you to read is Every Young Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn. It goes into detail about your sexuality.

Your sexuality is awakening in this season, and if not, it will be soon. It’s a gift from God to be honored. Not used. Not abused. And not wielded. Honored.

know your power

One day in the tenth grade, coming home on the bus, I was getting a lot of attention from the boys around me. I was wearing a T-shirt I hadn’t worn before, and I didn’t think a thing of it. They did.

A guy friend I had known for five years called me that night and asked if he could come over. I thought that was weird but said, “Sure.” He asked to go into the backyard to talk, but once we were alone, he was all over me. It was as though he’d been taken over by an alien! Who was this guy? What was happening?

What was happening was that my T-shirt had revealed a previously unseen breast size. I had the same thing happen in college when I wore a certain pair of really tight jeans. The response I got from the guys around me was crazy. Those jeans were dangerous. They were—or I was—powerful in them. I needed to know it. And so do you.

Your beauty, your body, and your sexuality are powerful. They have a powerful effect on the opposite sex. More than you now realize. It’s wonderful but not to be used as a weapon. That backfires on a girl.

You’ve seen it done, haven’t you? A girl who is desperate for love, though she may not even know it, experiences attention from guys, and it feels wonderful so she dresses and acts in ways that allure them. She sacrifices her integrity to them. She feels she is valued because they want her. She’s in trouble. She’s using sex to get love. She’s wielding her sexuality as her superpower to get what she wants. But she isn’t actually getting what she really wants. Sex does not equal love.

Love is good. Love is grand. Sexual attraction is a gift. Actually it’s holy ground. You are holy ground. So is he. So treat him the way you want to be treated and require that you be treated with respect as well.

When a guy smiles at you, it can make your day. When a guy pursues you (if he is the one you like), it can make you so happy. The problem is that rejection from a guy can break your heart. You don’t want to give to young men the power to tell you who you are—how valuable, how lovely, or how wanted. They don’t have the right to validate you as a woman.

They cannot answer the deepest questions of your heart. Only God your Father can do that. Your soul is meant to live in a place of security. You are to know you are forever surrounded by love every moment of your life. You are good. You are wanted. You are beautiful. You are chosen. You are pursued. Jesus has done everything, given everything, and won everything to win you. Because you are everything to him.

Guys are fabulous, and romantic relationships are thrilling. But even in the best of times, your heart needs to know you are loved and wanted outside and apart from everyone and anything else. Relationships change. God doesn’t. His love is the only forever and always safe place for your heart.

i love guys!

“Also, I’m a guy. And guys do different stuff.”

“Like ride bikes?” I said.

“No,” he replied. “Like have food fights. And break stuff. And set off firecrackers on people’s front porches. And ...”

“Girls can’t set off firecrackers on people’s front porches?”

“They can,” he said ... “but they’re smart enough not to. That’s the difference.”

Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride

You may be starting to feel that I think guys are dangerous. I don’t. I think they’re wonderful. Giving your heart away is dangerous. Giving your body away is dangerous. But guys? They’re awesome. I love them. (I’m the mother to three fabulous ones.) There are really good ones out there who are strong, kind, noble, deep, handsome, caring, funny, adventurous, creative, brave, and have amazing and good hearts. Even so, they’re a grand mystery.

(What I think is hilarious is that they think we are the mystery. Hah! Well, to be fair, we are sometimes even a mystery to ourselves. Mystery isn’t bad. Hooray for mystery, or, as the French say, “Vive la difference!”)

Boys think it’s fun to wrestle. They greet each other with a punch. They like to climb higher, jump farther, and ratchet up the danger level to make things more fun. The riskier, the better. They need friends, just as girls do, but they don’t sit and talk and play with each other’s hair. They do stuff. Halo. Xbox. Pickup games of basketball. Mountain biking. Skiing. Football and fantasy football. Competing with each other is as easy as their playful (but mean-sounding) bantering.

Boys … treated friendship the way they treated the sun: its existence undisputed; its radiance best enjoyed, not beheld directly.

Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

Their souls are deep waters. Their feelings get hurt. They long to be respected. Believed in. Told they are strong. They need the validation of their masculine hearts. And as with yours, it needs to come from their heavenly Father.

Most young men haven’t had their questions answered in the way they were meant to. Your heart has been wounded and so has theirs. Just as your heart has been wounded in the core of your femininity, theirs has been wounded in deeply masculine ways. With a heart that has deep, unaddressed questions, it’s an easy temptation for a young man to hand over the validation of his life to the girl. He makes as big a mistake when he looks to a young woman to tell him he’s got what it takes as you do when you look to him to tell you you’re captivating. But most young men don’t know that yet.

Be kind to them. Encourage their strength. Point them to Jesus. Treat their heart with respect and be mindful of your effect on them. It’s greater than you realize.

Still, I think they should come with a warning label. Here’s some of what it might read:

I am not a girl. Don’t confuse me with your girlfriend.

I’m not as mature as you think I am.

I don’t know how to handle your heart.

I’m sexually more quickly aroused than you are.

I’m as insecure as you are, but I wear it differently.

Don’t allow me to be the verdict on you as a young woman.

I’m visually stimulated, and when you wear that tight-fitting, low-cut number, I want to get my hands all over you. But if you let me, don’t think for a minute that means I love you or will even remember your name.

I live under the weight of peer pressure, and it causes me to say and do things that are not true to who I am or will become.

I need to learn how to treat women with respect, and I need you to show me how by respecting yourself.

My emotions run deep and if I fall in love with you, you have the capacity to break my heart into many pieces. Please don’t.

The best way to love me is to love God first and bring to him the deepest questions and longings of your heart.

What else should the warning label say? And while we’re on the subject, if you came with a warning label, what would it say? Fragile? Beware? Handle with care?

can you trust him?

I read an article recently that said the way you can really know what someone is like is by observing how they treat people in the service industry. It’s a good litmus test. The way of love is never rude. Not to friends, siblings, parents, or waitresses. How we treat others reveals so much about the quality of our character. If you are drawn to a guy, before you move forward in the relationship, there are some litmus tests to see if you should. How we live when we think no one is watching reveals the truth about who we really are.

How does he treat others? What kind of friends does he have? That says a lot about a person. What does he do for others? Does he offer to help in any way? Or is life all about him? Is he pursuing a relationship with Jesus? Do you like his friends? Are they good guys? Most importantly, does he live with respect—does he treat others with respect? Does he treat himself with respect? If not, there is no way he will treat you with respect. You want to make sure you can trust the guy.

My husband and I wrote a book on marriage called Love and War. In it, we said that we believe we are here on earth to learn how to love. To really learn how to love. Love God. Love others. Love ourselves. And that’s a tough thing to learn and requires a lifetime to do it well. Still, all throughout our lives, we get to grow in learning how to love! We get the honor of partnering with God in loving others. We get to grow in knowing how deeply he loves us each and every day. Love! Yay!

We are meant to be loved, to know love, and to love. When we do love others, we risk being hurt by them. Getting hurt happens. The only way not to be hurt is … well, there is no way. In The Four Loves, C. S. Lewis wrote,

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.1

Yes, to love is to be vulnerable. We get hurt, misunderstood, wounded, and even betrayed. To keep on being women who love, we will need to be women who grow in wisdom and who continue to forgive. If you’ve been hurt by young men, God calls you to forgive them. That doesn’t mean you stay in relationship with them. It means you forgive them, release them, and invite Jesus to heal you and help you learn.

Dear God, my heart is hurting. I’m hurt so much by what _______ did. But because I love you and you command me to, because you know what’s best for me and know that I need to, because you have forgiven me, I forgive him. I forgive him for _____________. I release him to you. I forgive myself for ______________. Jesus, wash my wounded heart with your blood. Cleanse me again from every sin and stain and bleeding place. Speak to me here. I need to know your love again. Here. Thank you that your blood on the cross is enough to cleanse me from every sin I’ve committed and every sin that’s been committed against me. You are enough. I love you. And, Jesus, I also sever all soul ties with __________. I bring your cross and your blood between me and ___________. I release him to you. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

confounding

Guys can be confounding.

confound—to cause surprise or confusion in (someone), especially by acting against their expectations2

These are tricky years you are living in, years to invite Jesus into every day. You can’t navigate the waters of your heart, your relationships, or your life on your own. You are not meant to. You do not have to. The Holy Spirit is not only your strength and your comforter. He is your very own counselor sent to you by God because—well, because we all need one. Not every now and again but every moment of our lives. “I will pray the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, to be with you for ever” (John 14:16 RSV).

You are God’s treasure. You are the center of his affection. He loves you deeply. He wants you to know it, live like it, and treat others the same way. Even those boys. And very likely, one day, one particular boy. Ask for his help to do it. Because helping you is what he loves to do.

notes

1. C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (New York: Harcourt Brace, 1960), 121.

2. Oxford Dictionaries, s.v. “confound,” www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/confound.