Chapter Three

the landscape of your life

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday morning I wanted to buy a puppy; this afternoon I wondered how many years I would get for homicide.

Am I simply nuts? Is this just the sin nature the Bible talks about, and I’m stuck with repenting of it again and again? No, my dear. There is an internal reality playing havoc with my world, but it is neither woundedness, nor sin, nor immaturity; not even a touch of insanity. There are powerful feminine tides washing to and fro inside each of us, and they are having an enormous influence on our lives—and on the way we perceive our lives.

Too many girls and women are unaware of how their hormones are affecting their lives—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But we don’t need to remain uninformed any longer or wonder if at certain times in our lives (or month) we are simply going crazy. The bodies we live in and the amazing hormones that shift and flow through them help set the stage of the experience of our lives. Let’s take a look at what’s going on.

four seasons

The bodies of women mirror nature. Every year we have spring, summer, autumn, and winter—four beautiful seasons that will continue until the end of our time. In the same way, there are four seasons (menstrually speaking) to a woman’s life and four weeks to her cycle, but they are not always neatly separate. Some women’s cycles are as irregular as an unscrupulous politician’s voting record, and some women’s cycles function like a Swiss clock. Either way, we need to understand and honor what is going on with our bodies.

Let’s start with the four seasons.1 First we have preadolescence when our body develops at a rapid and sometimes awkward rate. These years set the foundation of our self-perception. Our heart’s deepest questions are being answered. Am I loved? Am I worth loving? Am I captivating? From infants to toddlers to little girls, we are becoming ourselves, developing into womanhood. In this season, we are fully feminine and are not yet encumbered (or blessed) by our period.

The next season of a woman’s life is the season of menses, the decades of possessing the (theoretical) ability to bear a child. Entering into this season is characterized by massive hormonal changes. It can be a difficult transition that often includes weight gain, breakouts, and titanic inner struggles. (Sorry.) Girls begin to really wrestle with the questions: Who am I? What makes me valuable? Where do I fit in?

Adolescence for most of us is hard.

This is the season you are either in or will be soon. Your menstruation marks the official beginning of puberty. Changes are going on inside your body that are mysterious and often uncomfortable. All those hormones being released can make it an emotionally volatile time. You are growing in every way a young woman can grow. Your body. Your soul. Your emotional capacity.

Did you know that as a teenager you actually feel things more strongly than adults do? It’s true. You do. Joy, sorrow, loss, heartbreak—your emotions run deep. That’s also why there’s really no such thing as “puppy love.” First love is intense. (That’s one of the reasons you want to guard your heart!)

As your hormonal levels change and spike, it can be a challenge for your skin to keep up with it all. Also, boys are suddenly much more interesting. Passing glances or a simple brush against an arm can make your stomach lurch. In a good way. Relationships with other girls can feel much more difficult and their opinions seem much more weighty. Changeable too. Your friendships can become tricky. Adults can seem more stupid. Your mother more irritating. Your family more embarrassing.

It’s normal.

Really.

It will pass.

It’s also the season of life when you are more likely to take risks that later you wish you hadn’t. Your biochemistry is changing. Some days you may just want to sit this “season” out, but you don’t get to. Well, maybe you can for an afternoon or even a week but not for long. It’s actually one of the most fabulous times of your one wild and precious life.

How you feel, what you think, what you experience, and the choices you make in this season matter. Today. Now. Always. You matter. These may not feel like “wonder years” or anything close to the best time of your life, but it is still your life. Today will shape your tomorrow. Tomorrow you will remember yesterday.

In this season of your life, questions in your heart continue to be answered as you settle into your womanhood. Your monthly period may be regular or come only as a complete surprise, but these years make up the longest season of a woman’s life. So keep tampons in your purse (or whatever your favorite feminine product of choice turns out to be).

How has puberty changed your life? How does it affect the way you see yourself?

The third season of a woman’s life is known as perimenopause. Right now it feels like an eternity away. During this season, which lasts up to a decade, your feminine body will change in ways as dramatic as when you first entered into puberty.

The fourth season of a woman’s life is called menopause. Menopausal women no longer have menstrual cycles, can no longer get pregnant, and don’t need to worry about staining their pants. This season of life is a marvelous one too, with women stepping into a fuller expression of themselves. Creativity soars. Self-doubt and self-editing no longer hold the power they may have held when a woman was younger and less assured, and many women come to enjoy a previously unknown depth of self-appreciation.

There is a deep goodness to every season of life. Throughout every one, you are meant to grow in developing and offering your unique and God-given strength. You also get to enjoy being you—spring, summer, autumn, and winter!

life in a month

Okay, so there are four seasons to a woman’s life. Now let’s look at what is going on during the four weeks of our monthly cycle.

I’ll just go ahead and admit that my favorite week of my menstrual cycle is the first one. I have energy and a positive attitude. I make plans to throw a party, join a club, exercise with gusto, and believe all the fabulous things God says about me in the Bible with more fervor than I did just a few days ago. Come on over and we’ll bake a cake and then we’ll take it to a homeless shelter. Yeah, baby.

My hormones are doing their life-bringing thing. I would like to believe that this version of myself is the truest me, but I’ll still be me in three weeks when my friends begin to arrive for the party and I don’t want them coming over to my house anymore. It’s all me. The ups and downs, the highs and lows—and it’s all you, too.

There are four weeks to a woman’s cycle. Twenty-eight days. In the first week, estrogen is released and our ovaries begin work on an egg cell. Estrogen also helps to release other marvelous things in our brains like dopamine and serotonin. We are happier. Our energy level is at its highest. This is our “You go, girl!” week. (Sure, I’ll run for class president!)

When the second week begins, things change. Estrogen levels off and then declines. We are still energetic, strong, and creative, just perhaps not so manic. Then ovulation occurs. Estrogen rises slightly and progesterone increases. The egg begins its journey down the fallopian tube. We are more peaceful inside and also perhaps more sexually alert. This is the week when holding fast to godly sexual boundaries may be more difficult.

(Can I just go ahead and say it? Keep your clothes on. Don’t lie down while you are kissing. Rethink kissing. Okay, I’m not your mother, but I am a mother and sometimes my maternal instincts just take over. Make good choices!)

Then at the end of this week, our energy begins to lessen. Our emotions may become a bit conflicted.

The beauty, power, and wonder of your sexuality is too deep a subject for me to go into here. Others have written well on it, and I highly suggest you read more. Every Young Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn is a great resource!

In the third week, if no egg was fertilized, our brains signal estrogen and progesterone to vacate the building. Emotions slide a little bit. Blood sugar levels slide too. We aren’t feeling our confident selves as easily. For a few days, the empty space created by the departing hormones leaves many girls and women feeling empty inside as well.

Sometime during the fourth week, if we aren’t pregnant, both estrogen and progesterone leave, and so does the endometrial lining that formed in our uterus to prepare a cozy place for an embryo. Our period begins. Chocolate is irresistible. Commercials make us weepy. We may cramp or ache or not even notice any physical discomfort, but emotionally, we may wish we could turn off our phone and disappear from our life for a couple of days. There is usually one or two days in this week for me when I don’t believe I have any friends, but I don’t care very much that I don’t because I don’t like anyone anyway. These are the days of the month to allow ourselves to slow down, take an afternoon nap, maybe journal. A bubble bath may sound mighty nice. If we have commitments (and we probably do), we pray extra hard and ask God for the strength and grace to fulfill them.

And then the crocus blooms. The daffodils make their happy appearance. Spring comes again and hope rises. The cycle begins again.

See, you’re not crazy!

How are your hormones affecting you? Which week of your cycle are you in?

My menstrual cycles are ending, and I am just beginning to learn about them. Cycles have affected my mood for years, and just now I am learning that mood fluctuations are normal. I’ve felt crazy. Broken. Dismissible. Why didn’t I chart them week by week before? (Dear one, please chart your cycle. Make notes in your calendar each month so you know where you are. It’s so helpful.)

I have tried to live apart from my body, ignoring its cries for tending. I have tried to live apart from my emotions, ignoring their pleas for attention. It has not been a good choice. I’ve been living disconnected from my very self. I am my body just as much as I am my spirit, my soul, my emotions, my dreams, my desires, and my sense of humor. So are you. So honestly, right at this moment, I am not ignoring my very self. I will confess that I am low, tired, and my breasts feel heavy and sore. And because of what I’ve learned, I now know that this does not mean I am:

Depressed

Lost

Confused

Overwhelmed

Nuts

Making no headway

Moody

Forever stuck

It means my estrogen and progesterone are low. That’s all. Isn’t that a relief?

I am choosing to pray, asking Jesus to help me be kind to myself and to others, to allow myself to be tired and low. This is a normal and good part of being a woman. And yes, I do like the other weeks of the month much better. In my I-can-do-it-all week I want to write, speak, go for a run, experience more of the Holy Spirit, bring Jesus’s healing, and paint a room. Today I don’t want any of that. I want hot chocolate, bed, a movie, popcorn, and nobody to talk to me except to bring me pillows.

I am no expert on hormones, but there are experts available to us, and it is supremely important that we as girls and women honor ourselves and take the time to discover what is going on in our bodies and when. Hormones affect us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. For some of us the effect is painful and emotionally damaging. But we do not need to suffer by remaining alone in it. There is help on many fronts available to us. Talk to an adult friend, your mother, a teacher, a counselor, a doctor. Read a good book on the subject! If you feel the need, check into seeing a naturopath, a gynecologist, a hormone specialist.

And lean into God. Press in. The difficult days of each month can become a respite of hiding our hearts in our God, who always understands us and loves us endlessly. There is grace here. There is mercy here. For every one of us.

But let us begin here: do not curse yourself by cursing your body or your femininity. To be a girl is a glorious thing. Yes, we bear a suffering that guys do not know. This is not a reason to envy them or to curse ourselves. (By the way, you curse yourself when you say things like, “I hate my body; I hate my period; I hate hormones; I wish I were a guy.”) Healing here begins with blessing:

I bless my body. I thank you, God, for making me a woman. I accept my body and my femininity as a gift. I bless these hormones inside me. I consecrate my feminine body to the Lord Jesus Christ; I consecrate my hormones to him. Jesus, come and bring grace and healing here. Speak peace to the storm within me just as you calmed the sea. Come and bless my femininity, and teach me to understand how you have made me and how to live with myself and the rhythms of my body.

What would you like to say to God about your monthly cycle? About your body?

Now, this was a brief glimpse at the internal setting of every girl’s life. Time to turn our attention to the external landscape we all share. It might be more powerful than hormones, and I’ll guarantee you it’s having a mighty impact on many an unaware young woman.

the war around us

I recently read a story about a twelve-year-old girl in Ethiopia who had been abducted by men who planned to force her into marrying one of them. She’d been missing for a week when she was found. Terrified and bloody after having been severely beaten, the girl was being guarded by three lions that had come to her rescue and chased her captors away. Three man-eating lions that would normally attack people had miraculously saved her!2

I love this story of another trinity coming to one in need. But after reading it, I learned that kidnapping and abusing girls in order to get them to marry is a common practice in Ethiopia. The United Nations estimates that more than 70 percent of marriages in Ethiopia come into being by abduction.

I’m not picking on Ethiopia here. Its history and current state of affairs mirror way too many other countries. The statistics on suffering in the world are mind numbing. But here is the story of one girl. I am amazed and grateful for this rescue and grieved for the millions of other girls who don’t experience rescue themselves.

Most little girls at some point dream of living in a fairy tale. The big surprise when we grow up is not that the fairy tale was a myth but that it is far more dangerous than we thought. We do live in a fairy tale, but it often seems as if both the dragon and the wicked witch are winning. (Sometimes we feel that we are the dragon—that’s the internal monthly battle, usually around week three.) But let me say with utmost seriousness, there is a battle going on around us every single moment of our waking and sleeping. The external landscape that we share is in the midst of a battle not only between good and evil but between life and death.

Things are not what they were meant to be. East of Eden, we have kept moving east and come all the way around, finding the garden utterly lost and cruelly unrecognizable. We were all born into this world. We came in gasping for air, and we are gasping still. It’s a tough place to make a living, a hard place to make a life. Fire and ice. Beauty and terror. Pain and healing. Intertwined.

The good news is that Life wins out. Life has already won out. Love has won out. But the battlefield remains where we find ourselves, and the setting of the battle is a world that fiercely hates girls. God loves girls. Jesus loves girls. The Enemy, the Devil, has girls in his crosshairs.

Not a cheery thought but one necessary to face. Your life’s journey runs through unfriendly terrain. You knew this already. The smoke from the heavenly engagement going on all around us affects our watery eyes and our labored breathing like smog. With mortars flying, aimed at our heart, we need to name it. So much of the sorrow in our lives finds its roots in misogyny.

the hatred of women

Misogyny: a hatred of women. From Greek misein “to hate” + gynē “woman.”3

The Greek philosopher Aristotle lived three hundred years before Christ and had a huge effect on the world as we know it. He believed that women exist as natural deformations or imperfect males.4 He was not alone in his belief, and that belief has had an effect. That’s the world you were born into. Misogyny colors our world, and the colors have bled into your life. Recognizing it helps us understand our life and navigate through it.

Misogyny is the hatred of women and everything female. It was birthed at the fall of man and has found its home not only in men but in women, too. It manifests itself in many different ways—from jokes to pornography to sex trafficking to the self-contempt a girl feels for her own body. Why is plastic surgery now common practice? Anorexia, bulimia, and bingeing all find their roots in self-loathing, in misogyny. The history of our world is rampant with damage, oppression, diminishment, contempt, and fear aimed at women and girls.

When Jesus came onto the scene, he turned misogyny on its head. A rabbi at that time wouldn’t speak to a woman in public, not even his own wife (this is still true for Orthodox rabbis). Even today, an Orthodox Jewish man is forbidden to touch or be touched by any woman who is not his wife or a close family relation. Jesus didn’t abide by those rules. During his ministry Jesus engaged with women many times. He spoke to them. He touched them. He taught them. He esteemed them. He had women minister to him physically, touching him, washing his feet, anointing him with oil and with their tears. He had women disciples traveling with him, supporting him, learning from him, and “sitting at his feet.” If we, the church, the body of Christ, had followed the example that Jesus set instead of the traditions of men held captive to sin and the fall, we would have a much higher history here.

But misogyny got into the church a long time ago. Many a Scripture-filled sermon has been preached throughout the centuries, advocating the suppression of women. We need to understand that the Bible records information and cultural practices that it does not support. The Bible describes in detail many acts of sin, but it does not endorse those acts. So it is with slavery—the Bible acknowledges it but does not endorse it. Yet slavery was supported from many pulpits in nineteenth-century America with sermons quoting Scripture. In the same way, Paul’s words about women have too often been twisted to serve the oppression of women—far from his intention.

The good news is, it’s changing. The truth also is that Christianity has done more to elevate the status of women than any other movement in history.

What do you believe Jesus feels about women and girls? Why?

In far too many cultures the status of women and girls is not changing at all. Yes, “we’ve come a long way, baby,” but we’ve got a long way to go. Misogyny is fierce. It has come to us through people and governments and cultures and religions and nations. It comes through guys. It comes through women and girls.

Think back to the playground. Little girls can be catty, cruel, and competitive. Generally speaking, boys slug each other and five minutes later have made up and moved on. Girls are laying strategies for revenge. They wound with sophistication and deadly words.

Older girls compete with each other for the attention of guys. How many girls have sacrificed their best friend on the altar of “boyfriend”? Many girls are threatened by another girl’s beauty, intelligence, and grace. We walk into a room and unconsciously size up all the other women. We quickly judge where we fit in the hierarchy of attraction (worth) without even being aware that we have done it. That behavior finds its roots in misogyny.

Remember, misogyny is hatred. Whether we are aware of it or not, when we hate other girls, we are hating ourselves, cooperating with the Enemy, and perpetuating grave damage. To hate, Jesus said, is to murder.

So of course misogyny can lead to physical acts of violence. From girls. From guys. The following tweet from Jimmy Carter brings this point home eloquently.

The abuse of women and girls is the most pervasive and unaddressed human rights violation on earth. #violenceagainstwomen5

As is true for too many of you, my story includes sexual assault. One instance occurred when I was twenty. A guy followed me into a restaurant bathroom, locked the door behind him, and tried to force himself on me. I fought him. He ended up pinning me between the commode and the wall and pleasured himself. After climaxing, he released me and yelled, “Look what you made me do! Look what you made me do!” Then he left.

“Look what you made me do.” He blamed me for his sin, his hatred. That is not an uncommon slant of reality.

But let us be careful not to fall into blaming or hating men. May it never be! Guys are to be esteemed. And so are girls. Masculinity is to be relished. Celebrated. Honored. Welcomed. And so is femininity. The sorrow guys reaped at the fall includes their separation from God and their separation from their ezer. God created Eve to be Adam’s ezer, the Hebrew word in Genesis 2:18 that means his lifesaver, his counterpart, the one whom he literally cannot live and flourish without. God’s intention was for men and women to support and complete each other, to be one in purpose, in mission, in love. But the fall came, and with it came division and sorrow beyond telling. Though much of the sorrow in our lives flows from human beings, people are not the enemy. Girls are not the enemy. Guys are not the enemy. Satan is the Enemy.

the true cause

Two children are sold into the human sex trade every minute, with nearly two million children forced into the worldwide sex trade each year.6 Eighty percent of those trafficking victims are women and girls. And human trafficking is not a problem only in other countries—it is rampant in the United States as well. The United States is the number-one destination for sex tourism.7

Or how about this? Eighty percent of pornography that floods the world is rated as “hard-core” porn.8 When most of us think of pornography, what comes to mind is “soft” porn. Hard-core pornography includes child pornography, sadomasochistic pornography, insanely beyond-wicked pornography. All aimed to destroy the hearts of every person coming near it.

The source of all this hatred and sorrow is not guys, not the church, not even governments or systems of injustice. Scripture makes it very clear that the source of evil is the Evil One himself:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 6:12)

Evil is rampant. And it is far too easy to blame people, organizations, the church, or political systems. But that will never change things because that is a naive understanding of the world. Jesus called Satan the prince of this world. Satan is the prince of darkness, whose sole aim is to steal, kill, and destroy life in all its forms, and he has power here. He has power here on earth, where and when the kingdom of God is not being enforced or advanced. He is the source of the hatred of women and girls, the hatred you have encountered. But let us remember: Jesus has won all victory through his crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension. All authority in heaven and on earth has been given back to him, where it rightly belongs. And then Jesus gave it to us.

I’ll have more to say about this in a coming chapter. For now let us acknowledge two things:

There is great evil in the world and much of it is directed at women.

The source of that evil is not guys or girls, but Satan.

If you will accept this, you can not only make leaps forward in understanding your life, but you can also find your way through the battle to the goodness God has for you and the goodness he wants to bring through you.

the way forward is love

When we hate girls, we hate ourselves. When we diminish the role of girls, we diminish ourselves. When we are jealous, envious, or slandering of other girls, we join the Enemy’s assault on them. In doing those things we come into agreement with the Enemy by saying that what God has made is not good. It’s time to stop doing that. The way to navigate the external battle begins with love. Not blaming, not finger pointing, but love.

Yes, the roles that have been dominated in the past by the female persuasion are the roles that are less valued by our society. Providing the backbone of our world are teachers, nurses, caregivers, professional assistants, you name it. Their work is diminished. The role of mother has been minimized as well.

But we do not overcome this subtle misogyny by trying to be guys any more than we overcome our feminine bodies by trying to “unsex ourselves,” as Lady Macbeth attempted. Let us begin by celebrating femininity. The truth is that who we are as women, what we bring, and the role that is ours to play in the world and in the kingdom of God are of immeasurable worth and power.

The kingdom of God will not advance as it needs to advance without girls rising up and playing their role. Guys will not become the men they are meant to be without godly women and girls pouring into their lives. The transformation and healing of a guy requires the presence, strength, and mercy of women and girls. Girls will not become who they are meant to be without the strength, encouragement, and wisdom of other women and girls nurturing their lives. Yes, it will be hard. But that’s because you are so vitally needed. Your valiant feminine heart is needed today in the lives of those you live with, go to school with, and love. The hour is late.

Girls are image bearers of God. Girls are coheirs with Christ. Girls are valued, worthy, powerful, and needed. There is a reason the Enemy fears girls and has poured his hatred onto our very existence. Let him be afraid, then. For “we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Cor. 4:8–9). We are more than conquerors through Christ who strengthens us, and we will not be overcome. God is our strength. Jesus is our defender. The Holy Spirit is our portion. And in the name of our God and Savior, we will choose to love him. We will choose to bow down in surrendered worship to our God. And by the power of Christ in us, we will choose to rise up and be women of God, bringing his kingdom in unyielding and merciful strength.

Have you experienced the hatred society has toward women and girls? If so, how? Think about ways girls as well as guys show that hatred.

notes

1. For more on these four seasons, I recommend Emotional Phases of a Woman’s Life by Jean Lush and Patricia H. Rushford (Old Tappan, NJ: Revell, 1987).

2. “Ethiopian Girl Reportedly Guarded by Lions,” NBCNews.com, June 21, 2005, www.nbcnews.com/id/8305836/ns/world_news-africa/t/ethiopian-girl-reportedly-guarded-lions/#.U4eiRPmICM4.

3. Merriam-Webster OnLine, s.v. “misogyny,” accessed May 31, 2012, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogyny.

4. Michael Flood et al., eds., International Encyclopedia of Men and Masculinities (New York: Routledge, 2007), 443.

5. Jimmy Carter (@askjimmycarter), Twitter, May 5, 2014.

6. “The Crisis,” compassion2one, http://www.compassion2one.org/contentpages/12814/d24aa06f-18ba-486b-bc03-89bbe8c6fe64/TheCrisis.aspx.

7. Julie Baumgardner, “Human Trafficking,” Timesfreepress.com, April 15, 2012, www.timesfreepress.com/news/2012/apr/15/041512e2-human-trafficking/.

8. Julie Baumgardner, “First Things First: What About the Children?” Timesfreepress.com, April 1, 2012, http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2012/apr/01/what-about-the-children/.