BELLA WOKE UP to find herself wrapped in a blanket on the couch in the living room, naked but not cold. A fire burned in the grate, the smell of hot chocolate in the air, along with the scent of pine.
Christmas morning.
Her heart tightened and then, when she sat up, it tightened even further.
Noah sat in one of the armchairs by the fire, watching her, his dark eyes impenetrable.
She shivered, remembering the night before.
He hadn’t held back, taking her fiercely and with a passion she couldn’t help but meet. Raw and demanding, unapologetic.
He’d taken everything she had to give and then some, and it had been everything she’d wanted.
And now it’s over.
Cold licked beneath the warmth of the quilt.
She knew without him having to say a word. She’d told him one more night and now they’d had it.
If he’d wanted more he would have been curled up naked next to her.
But he was already dressed in jeans and a thermal, and that door to the passion inside him was firmly shut.
Bella’s heart kicked painfully against her ribs.
“Merry Christmas,” she said and tried her best to smile.
He didn’t return it. “I made you some hot chocolate.”
On the table, a mug of hot chocolate waited for her—the good kind, with real chocolate.
“Oh, thank you.” She reached for the mug and her hands only shook a little. “You’re not having any?”
“No. I’ve got a few things to do up at the ranch.”
Her heart kicked again and it hurt. Really hurt. But she’d always known this was going to happen so getting upset was ridiculous.
“I got you a present.” Noah reached into his back pocket and pulled a small slip of paper from it. “I didn’t wrap it, sorry.”
She stared at it. A present? No one got her presents.
Slowly, she took it, unfolding the paper.
It was a check. And the sum written on it made her stare.
She looked at him. “What’s this?”
His black eyes were like stone. “I don’t want you to sell June’s house. You lost your money and that’s not your fault, and I don’t want you to leave here empty-handed. You should have what you want, Bella.” He nodded at the check. “That’s for your café when you get back to Seattle.”
She felt like he’d put his hand inside her chest, wrapped his fingers around her heart and twisted hard.
He’d given her money.
Her throat felt like it had a boulder sitting in it.
A couple of weeks ago this would have meant everything. But now...
He hadn’t just twisted her heart. He’d ripped it clean out of her chest.
“Oh.” She should say more than that, sound more grateful. “This is...” She tried to smile and not feel like a drowning woman handed a rock rather than a life preserver. “A lot of money.”
“Don’t worry about that. I can afford it.”
She wanted to tell him that wasn’t what she was worried about, but the words wouldn’t come.
She felt like a little girl who’d expected presents only to get coal in her stocking instead.
You don’t want the money. You want him.
Tears pricked her eyes. Of course she did. And it wasn’t until now, with that check in her hand, that she realized it.
She wanted him. She’d always wanted him.
She loved him.
But he’d made his position very clear the night before. He couldn’t give her anything more and she wouldn’t be like her mother, desperately grasping for love from anyone.
Desperately grasping for love from him. A love she’d never get back. And that would end up destroying both of them.
Her fingers trembling, Bella folded up the check and put it on the coffee table. “Thanks,” she said, not knowing what else to say.
An awful silence fell.
“You should have your café.” Noah voice sounded hoarse. “I know how important it is to you.”
Bella blinked hard to stop the tears and reached for her hot chocolate. She suddenly had no appetite, but the mug was hot and her fingers were cold.
“And now I will.” Her voice sounded just as hoarse as his. “Thank you.”
Another silence, thick with something terrible and desperate.
“Okay,” Noah said. “I should go.”
She couldn’t look at him. Didn’t want to see that granite look on his face.
She wanted to remember him from last night, burning fiercely above her, making her feel wanted, pouring all his need into her.
She heard him move and when he paused beside her, she didn’t look up. “Don’t say it.” The words were scraped raw. “Whatever you were going to say, don’t.”
“I’m sorry.” His voice held the same raw note.
She didn’t look at him.
She just sat there until she heard the door shut behind him.
Then she let herself cry.
She didn’t know how long she sat there, crying into her hot chocolate, her heart bruised and battered, shattered into pieces.
Stupid to indulge herself. Stupid to sit here weeping when their affair had always been temporary. She’d never meant to stay. So why she should feel wrecked, she had no idea.
It was only love. People got their hearts broken on Christmas day all the time.
Eventually, Bella got herself dressed. Then sat morosely on the couch in the living room, her hot chocolate slowly cooling on the coffee table.
At some point, a knock came on the door and she flew off the couch, her heart thundering, because there was only one person who’d be knocking on her door.
She dashed into the hall and flung open the door.
But it wasn’t Noah.
Three women stood on the porch, studying her with wariness and hope.
Her cousins.
Elegant Keira, blond hair in a loose knot, a soft blue shawl draped around her shoulders. Serious JJ, straight dark hair in a band and a steady look in her eyes. Redheaded Lila, full of boundless optimism.
It was Lila who stepped forward, holding up a basket, giving her a tentative smile. “Hi, Bella. I hope you don’t mind but we thought we’d come and wish you a merry Christmas.”
Bella stared, disappointment like ash in her mouth.
Then she burst into tears for the second time that day.
Instantly, she was surrounded in a cloud of feminine concern. Keira took her into the living room and got her to sit on the couch, while Lila covered her with a blanket. JJ bustled off into the kitchen, coming back with a steaming mug that smelled of spices.
“You need something stronger than hot chocolate.” JJ put the mug on the table. “And there was mulled wine all ready to go.”
Bella gripped the mug gratefully and took a long swallow, letting the alcohol bloom warmly in her stomach, though it didn’t touch the block of ice where her heart should be.
“It’s a man, isn’t it?” Keira gave Bella’s shoulders a comforting squeeze.
“Of course, it’s a man.” JJ pulled a crumpled tissue from her jeans pocket and handed it to Bella. “Who else would make you cry on Christmas Day?”
Lila sat down on the couch. “Come on, out with it. Who do we need to kill?”
“I can get Cade’s shotgun,” JJ agreed. “It won’t take a moment.”
Bella wanted to laugh, but it was too painful. They looked at her with sympathy and concern, and she felt ashamed.
She didn’t know them and they didn’t know her, yet here they were, offering her comfort, despite the years of silence she’d given them.
“This is lovely,” she said hoarsely. “And thank you. But...why are you here?”
“To wish you merry Christmas,” Lila said. “We didn’t want to disturb you, but we thought we’d come say hi. Let you know we’re around.”
Bella blew her nose. “Why? I don’t even know you guys.”
“You’re our cousin.” Keira arched an eyebrow. “What else needs to be said?”
She didn’t know. She’d never had family or this easy acceptance she didn’t need to do anything for but exist. “I’m not sure I deserve it. I haven’t exactly kept in touch.”
Lila made an airy gesture. “Oh, don’t worry about that now. What’s important is who made you cry and what we can do to make sure he dies.”
JJ nodded. “Seriously. I’ll shoot him for you if you want.”
Bella gave a watery laugh. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’m just...”
“Heartbroken?” Keira finished.
She let out a sigh. “It wasn’t supposed to be permanent. I was always going to leave once winter was over.”
The three women shared glances that Bella couldn’t interpret.
“Sounds familiar,” Kiera murmured.
“Horribly so,” Lila agreed.
“Bastard,” JJ added.
“Oh, no,” Bella said, feeling defensive of Noah. “It wasn’t his fault. We agreed. I thought it would go on a little longer and—”
“It’s Noah, isn’t it?” Lila asked quietly.
There was no point in hiding it. “Yes.” She cleared her throat. Might as well tell them. “Hey, it’s not all bad. He gave me a present. Which is great since now I don’t need to sell the house.”
“Wait, what?” Keira frowned. “Sell the house?”
“Grandma June left me a letter. She told me that I had to fix the house up to sell, if I wanted to.” She wiped uselessly with the soaking tissue at the tears on her cheeks. “And I was going to. I needed the money, but... Noah gave me a check.” She gestured at the small square of paper on the coffee table.
JJ’s eyes widened. “He bought you off?”
“No,” Bella protested, not knowing why she was defending him. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Oh, yes,” Keira said with distaste. “It most certainly was.”
“Right, I am going to shoot him,” JJ said with certainty.
“It’s fine,” Bella sniffed. “Please don’t. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“So why are you crying?” Lila asked.
Tears filled her eyes again. “I don’t know.”
“I do.” Keira’s voice was quiet. “I think we all do.”
Of course she knew.
“I didn’t want the money. I wanted him,” Bella said raggedly.
“Did you tell him that?” Lila asked.
“No.” Tears ran down her nose. “He didn’t want a relationship. He was very clear and he had good reasons.”
A small silence fell, then Keira asked, “Do you want a relationship, though?”
She’d been so certain that she was going back to Seattle and get her café. Resume her life. Except the thought of that life...
Loneliness she’d always been able to handle.
But not now. Not after Noah.
“I thought I didn’t.” She made another swipe at the tears. “But I think I changed my mind.”
“So? Tell him.” Lila this time.
Bella blinked, her eyes sore. “He already told me he can’t give me what I want. And I don’t want to ask him for it.”
“Why not?” Lila said gently. “If you never ask you never get.”
What you’ll have to do is ask for help.
The words in Grandma June’s letter were in Bella’s head all of a sudden. Pushing at her. Going against everything she thought she’d believed in.
But it wasn’t his help she wanted.
It was his heart.
“He’ll say no,” she croaked.
Lila gave her a look. “Do you love him?”
It sat inside her chest, so painful, an ache that would never go away. “Yes,” Bella said thickly. “Yes, I do.”
“Then you need to let him know how you feel.” Lila’s expression was so full of understanding it made Bella’s chest hurt. “Love changes a lot of things.”
But would it be enough to change Noah’s mind? And who was she to demand more, anyway? That was her mother’s tactic, taking and taking, sucking people dry, then moving on.
You’re not your mother, though. And you’re not taking anything.
Realization broke over her, like snow dumped down the back of her neck.
Because this morning, she’d kept back the one thing she had left to give. She wasn’t her mother. And she didn’t want to take anything from him. What she wanted was to give. And not just her body this time and not for a night.
She wanted to give him her heart, and forever.
Bella pushed herself off the couch before she knew what she was doing.
“You look like you’ve decided something,” JJ said.
“Yeah.” She gave them all a quick look, her heart beating frantically. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”
She didn’t wait for them to reply, launching herself toward the front door.
“Bring Noah back for Christmas dinner,” Lila shouted after her. “Everett and I are having everyone over.”
But Bella had already rushed through the door, hurling herself down the steps, heading toward the Faraday ranch.
It was freezing, but she barely noticed the cold. Only one thing was important.
Noah. Who’d sacrificed so much for so long. And who didn’t have to sacrifice anything more except his loneliness.
Bella hurtled up the front steps of his house and came to a stop, her quickened breathing in white clouds around her.
Fear gripped her as she raised her hand, but she wasn’t going to listen to that, not now.
She knocked hard.
He didn’t answer.
So she kept on knocking until finally the door was pulled violently open. Noah stood on the threshold, filling the doorway, staring at her with a face like stone. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Bella took a shuddering breath. “I forgot to give you my present.”
“Present? What present?”
She looked into his intense black eyes. “I gave you myself last night,” she said. “But what I really wanted to give you was my heart.”
NOAH COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. Bella stood on his doorstep in his oversize blue sweatshirt, jeans and nothing else. Her eyes were red and so was the tip of her nose, and she looked at him like he was the only thing in her entire universe.
He’d never thought he’d see her again.
He never wanted to.
He’d thought the money would be enough because he couldn’t give her anything more, and he’d told himself he was content with the decision.
Except as soon as he’d gotten home he’d headed straight for the liquor cabinet. He’d never wanted a drink as badly as it he had right then. Yet he’d held off, pacing around in his living room, trying to ignore the agony clawing at him.
If he ignored it, it would go away. He just had to ride it out.
But now she was right here, he knew that pain would stay forever.
“What do you mean, your heart?” Cruel of her to come back. To tempt him like this.
Bella stepped into his hall, kicking the door shut behind her. “I mean, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. From the moment I first saw you at thirteen. It’s always been you and it’ll only ever be you.” She didn’t hesitate, closing the distance between them, her blue eyes burning like a gas flame. “And you’re wrong. I’m not asking you for anything and I won’t. You don’t have to give me a single thing. But you should know that I love you, Noah Faraday. And I’ll keep on loving you whether you want me to or not.”
He felt as fragile as he had the day before. Like blown glass. Ready to shatter at the slightest touch.
She loved him. What the hell did he do with that?
“You can’t.” He didn’t want to move. Just in case. “I told you I can’t give you what you want.”
Bella’s expression softened and she cupped his face with one small hand. “Then don’t. But you have my heart all the same.”
In that moment, with the heat of her palm burning against his skin, he knew that all the things he’d said about addiction and self-control were lies.
Convenient excuses so he didn’t have to face the terrible fear that he wasn’t enough. Not for his father to give up the bottle, not for his mother to stay. Not for anyone.
“You can’t love me.” His voice sounded as rusty as the hinges on an old gate. “I’m shut-off and mean. I’m selfish and self-centered. I’m—”
“Caring and protective and kind,” she finished gently. “You gave me help when I was awful. You let me know that I wasn’t alone.”
He should tell her to leave. Take her precious heart and break it so thoroughly she’d never darken his door again.
Like your old man broke your heart?
The thought was dark and raw, and he knew he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t break her the way his father had broken him. He couldn’t be that selfish.
So where does that leave you?
Almost of its own accord, his hand rose to cover hers, holding it there. “I’m a bad bet, honey,” he said roughly. “Dad didn’t give a shit about me and neither did Mom. And I wonder sometimes if they were right not to. I’m not a good guy.”
“No, they weren’t right,” Bella said fiercely. “And I give a shit. Because whether you like it or not, you’re a good man.”
Her words vibrated through him, the ache in his chest crushing him.
It would be so easy to give in. To take what he wanted. But...
She loves you. Are you really going to throw that back in her face?
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t do that to her. Destroy her like his father had destroyed him every time he picked up another bottle.
She was beautiful and generous and warm, with a stubborn, determined spirit. And he couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her.
Which left him with only one option.
Loving her instead.
Noah curled his fingers around her hand and pulled it away from his face. Then he turned it up and kissed her palm.
She shuddered, tears gleaming in her eyes. “Does that mean what I think it means?”
He was a man of few words. But he could say these words. Because they meant more than anything else he could have said. “I love you, Bella Jacobson. And I don’t know how long you mean to stay, but I’ll spend every minute of it showing you how much.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. “How does forever sound?”
“Perfect,” he said, pulling her into his arms and holding her tight. “That sounds perfect.”
And it was.