Raji chanted to herself, I am a logical lizard person. I am a cold, emotionless, logical lizard person.
Peyton told her, “She will be fine.”
Gita lay in her crib, sleeping. Pink lace surrounded her like she was a cherub in a very pink cloud. Her tiny face, not much bigger than Raji’s fist, was beginning to fill out as she was finally gaining weight.
Raji sobbed, “No, she won’t, and if she’s not, she’ll know that I wasn’t there for her. She’ll know that her mother wasn’t there and she was alone!”
Peyton said, “I have two baby nurses, a housekeeper, and Lupe here with me. Lupe pretty much raised me, and my growth sure wasn’t stunted or anything. We have hot and cold running staff members. We have a chef to make the organic formula. We have every emergency number possible on voice-activated speed dial. You can call in whenever you want. You can watch from the baby monitors stationed all over the house on your cell phone. It will be okay.”
“I don’t want to leave her,” Raji said. “It feels wrong. I can’t do both. I can’t do this.”
Raji’s mother had stayed with them for two weeks but had returned to New Jersey for work. Amma had fretted, insisting that Indian mothers were supposed to stay for six months to help with babies, but she didn’t want to lose her job. Her job was her security that she wouldn’t be taken advantage of ever again, even though Peyton had handed her a credit card that went to their bills and told her to buy a reliable car and a house in a safe neighborhood.
Peyton rested his heavy arm across her shoulders. “Georgie, Andy, and Elfie all said they felt like this. I think a lot of new mothers do.”
Raji whispered, “No else is her mother. No one else can be there for her the way I can, the way I should be.”
Peyton turned Raji away from the crib. “Come on. We don’t want to wake her. She needs her sleep.”
Raji brushed stupid, non-lizardy wetness off her face and leaned against Peyton’s strong chest. Under her cheek, his heart beat calmly. “I shouldn’t go anywhere. I should stay right here.”
Peyton’s low voice soothed her. “Walk away.”
“Okay, but I shouldn’t do this. I should stay.”
“And do what? Sleep on the floor of her room in case she wakes up when she’s had enough sleep? We’ve never done that. Keep walking.”
Raji let him lead her through their new home, a small mansion in the hills. He had bought it, closed on it because they didn’t need a mortgage with Peyton’s trust fund, purchased the necessary furniture, and arranged the move while Raji had been recovering. One day, the three of them had left her apartment, eaten a languid lunch that Gita slept through, and then gone to their new house, where the essential bedroom and baby furniture had been packed up from her place and installed in the new house during the four hours they had been gone.
He had also hired a driver to take Raji to and from work.
She had fully intended to nap in the back seat during the commute.
But now, how could she leave that poor, defenseless, tiny reptile larvae who obviously needed her mother? “I can’t!”
“Come on.” He turned and looked Raji right in her eyes. His teal-blue eyes were serious, and his voice was low. “It’s time for you to go back to your residency.”
“But what if—”
“Stop.”
Peyton glanced around them at the empty living room with the open doors that overlooked the gray, choppy Pacific ocean. The sea breeze blew through the doors, warm even though it was January.
The baby nurses and helpers must be elsewhere in the house’s twenty thousand square feet because they were alone.
One of his arms flashed around her waist, dragging her against his chest, and his other hand snared her wrists behind her back.
She was caught, bound, and instantly submissive.
He nuzzled her neck and growled in her ear, “Walk to the car, get in, and let Selena drive you to the hospital. I’ll take care of everything else.”
Raji sagged against him. “All right.”
He spanked her ass, and she giggled a little. “No more backtalk, or I’ll fuck your ass again. Go.”
Raji got in the back seat of the car and laid her head against the headrest.
She was asleep before the car hit the end of the long driveway.
Hey, she had an infant in the house, even if Peyton and the baby nurses were doing the three o’clock feedings.
At the hospital, the attendings nodded to her, pleased that she was back to work on time. Some noted that they were impressed by her rigor.
Dr. Ellen Galweigh mentioned in passing that she’d had a difficult time on her first day back after birthing her child during her residency. Some surgeons didn’t make it back, but she was very pleased to see that Raji was measuring up.
Beth was cordial when they ran into each other, and Raji was cordial to Beth, and that was all.
Raji performed three surgeries that day and was invited to scrub in when a transplant became available for their patient who was at the top of the transplant list, a rare occurrence and a coveted opportunity.
Dr. Raji Kannan was back.
Dr. Raji Kannan-Cabot, but whatever.
She was back.
The next day, they did it all over again.
But eventually, it got easier.