I sat in the pilot's seat with my feet tucked under me. It was so familiar, and yet somehow I didn't quite fit anymore. It was like an old pair of boots that had been worn by someone else. I held the pink seashell I'd collected so long ago, running my fingers over its surface.
I slid my fingers over the smooth inner curve of the shell. The first two days had been easy enough. There was so much to do, I didn't have time to think. I fixed the beacon, setting it to read us as the Lodestar. Clark had almost gotten it right, but I shuddered at the name. MaySue Marie was more than I could stand.
We were headed out, away from the trouble with the Federation. There were rumors that trade was steady and not too many questions were asked in the sector we were headed for. Jasyn assured me we had business holdings even out this far. Money wasn't an issue.
I still had at least a million credits on the Patrol account. I refused to touch it, though. Let it sit and rot. I didn't want Lowell's guilt money.
"Your cat wants you." Clark dropped Ghost into my lap.
Ghost sniffed me warily. She jumped down and sauntered away, her tail held high.
"No, she doesn't," I answered.
"How long are you going to sit up here and brood?" Clark sat in the chair next to me.
"As long as I need to."
"It might help if you talked about it."
"And what if it doesn't, Clark?"
"Then at least we'll understand what's bothering you." He shifted in the seat. "Paltronis told us about Trythia and Tivor. She didn't know much about you and Vance. She warned us it wasn't what it appeared."
"So you know where I've been the last year and a half?"
"Mostly."
"Then you understand why I'm sitting up here by myself."
"I still want you to tell me about it."
I didn't answer. I ran my fingers over the shell.
"It hurts them to see you sitting up here and not knowing how to help," Clark said after a long silence.
"Why is Darus on the crew?"
"Because he resigned after you disappeared and we felt sorry for him. He's a good engineer." He reached across the space between us and took the shell out of my hand. "What's really bothering you, Dace?"
I had to trust someone sometime, or drive them all away. "Did you really believe I was marrying Vance?"
"We didn't know what to believe. It seemed true enough, what we heard about it."
"Even after Lowell told you I was working undercover for him?"
"Lowell never contacted us. All we had were the news sheets and the gossip columns. They never doubted your engagement."
"It was almost real after Tayvis walked out on me." I blinked rapidly. I was not going to cry. "I still thought he was dead." I shoved the back of my hand into my mouth and bit down to stop the tears. It didn't help.
"The real story finally emerges." Clark patted my shoulder. "We can find him for you."
I shook my head. "It's over. He walked out on me." I wiped my eyes. "He promised me he wouldn't ever walk away from me again. But he did."
I couldn't keep the tears back any longer. It was as if a dam had broken inside. All the pain of the last two years came out in a flood. Clark's hand stayed warm on my shoulder while I sobbed into my hands.
Sometime in the middle of my fit, Ghost chose to rejoin us. She sniffed my leg then jumped into my lap, purring loudly. I stroked her soft gray fur and let the tears flow. Clark squeezed my shoulder again and left me alone with my cat.
I knew he was going to tell the others. Somehow that was all right. I had them, I had my family. It was enough.