Twenty-Three: Stay

“YOU SHOULD HAVE shot him.”

Taerien’s voice cut through the haze of codeine and whatever else Raeyn’d given me to dull the pain from a flare to a constant full-body throb. Not sure if it was the drugs or Taerien’s pacing that set the room spinning. He hovered at the outer edge of my vision. I wanted to swat him away like a fly.

Through droopy eyelids, I caught Raeyn shooting him a warning glance. “Leave it, Mael.” Judging from the steel behind Raeyn’s words, Valyr’s reveal of their plans hadn’t earned Taerien any bonus points in the trust department.

The room was bright enough to make me squint and wonder if there were any lamps left in the Temple Raeyn hadn’t dragged in here. The harsh light didn’t hide the twitch of Taerien’s jaw muscles as he clenched his teeth.

“Don’t ‘Mael’ me, Raeyn. Look at him. He’s a mess. The elections are in three days, and if he can’t—”

“Okay, two things.” I clawed myself upright through the painkiller fog. My ribs didn’t like the idea of sitting up at all. Neither did my shoulder or the rest of my left side. “One, don’t talk about me like I’m not right fucking here. Two—” Pain snatched at my breathing. I fought the urge to curl around it. “Two, stop stressing about E-Day. I’ll be fine. Ready to point and shoot like a good little soldier. Don’t you worry.”

Taerien scowled. “I wouldn’t have to worry, if you hadn’t been so heedlessly stupid. A tête-à-tête with the president’s prodigal son. And the elections right around the corner. I cannot help but wonder how far your inclination to ‘get him out’ went.” Taerien leaned in, rigid with pissed-off fury. “If he’s a Voyant worth his salt, he could have plucked everything right out of your head. Hells, for all we knew, you went right ahead and told him everything.”

I got up and my fist smacked into Taerien’s nose with a satisfying crunch. It would’ve been much more impressive if I hadn’t crashed to the floor as soon as my knee gave, my body reminding me painkillers only went so far.

“Don’t you ever—” I squeezed my eyes shut. Taerien’s bloody nose zoomed in and out in front of me and the room dimmed. Shallow breaths. Shallow breaths were my friends. “I didn’t tell him shit. Yeah, I fucked up. Trust me, it won’t happen again.”

Taerien nodded, too busy clutching his nose for his glare to carry much weight.

“Good,” I said through clenched teeth and fought the urge to roll over and stretch out on the floor. The Temple had nice carpets. I could fall asleep right here.

Raeyn hauled me back into bed.

“I suppose I should thank you for being considerate enough to punch him before I started setting any bones.”

I looked down at the throbbing knuckles of my right hand and decided now probably wasn’t the time to point out at least I’d used my good hand to punch Taerien.

Raeyn sighed. “Now, lie still, or I swear by the Gods, I will tie you to the bed.”

His scowl swiveled to Taerien. “And you. Out.”

Taerien opened his mouth, but the ice in Raeyn’s voice shut him down. “Have Pascal take a look at your nose.”

Lips pressed into a pale line, Taerien grabbed a wad of tissues from the counter and strode out of the room. Kicked out to the doghouse. Served him right.

Raeyn opened drawers in a rolling cabinet, neatly organizing things on metal trays. I settled back against the pillows and tried not to look too closely at the gleaming edge of the scalpel he’d laid out. The next stage of painkillers kicked in and the glare of the light above me softened and got fuzzy around the edges. Felt like my body was packed in Styrofoam, nothing quite coming through. Even my thoughts turned sluggish, slowing to a trickle as if coming through an IV drip.

“You didn’t tell him I’m--” I said, stumbling over the words as if saying them out loud made them even more real. “I’m a Voyant.”

Aris had always healed freakishly fast. Couple hours of sleep and he’d be right as rain. Fucking Voyance perks. Meaning Taerien’s little hissy fit could’ve been easily prevented.

Raeyn didn’t look up from a syringe he was prepping. “And give him even more ammunition?” His lips quirked into the beginning of a tense smile. “No, Mael is already overeager to toss you back into the fray. Let’s keep him on his toes for a change.”

I tried for a nod, but it seemed too much work.

“How come I’m only feeling it now?” I asked instead. “Shouldn’t the Voyance have kicked in years ago?” Aris had been seventeen when he’d first fried one of the Shadow’s circuits. I chased the thought away. I hurt enough as it was.

Raeyn lowered the syringe. “Everyone is different. Something may have triggered you.” He gave me a small smile. “Or maybe you are just that good at repressing things.”

“Very fucking funny.”

Raeyn’s smile withered. He went back to work. “It may very well have kept you alive.”

It hit me then that it mightn’t be the drugs that made me feel better, but the Voyance patching me up from the inside. My breath hitched against broken ribs. I bit back a hiss.

“But like you said, it’s not a miracle cure.” Raeyn’s gloved fingers were warm against my arm as he stretched it out and tied a dark green strap around it. “The Voyance will help you heal faster, but you’ll still scar. You can still—” He drew his hand back from where it’d hovered above the healed-over bullet holes in my chest where Valyr had shot me. I knew what he meant. I could still die. Already had, if only for a few minutes. Next time I wouldn’t have Aris to yank me back.

I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and focused on the present.

“How bad is it?” Broken bones weren’t any news to me. That shoulder would be a pain for a while, so would my ribs, but what worried me were the tight lines that’d appeared around Raeyn’s mouth as soon as he’d cut away my pants and taken a good look at my leg. Even with the painkillers, the damn thing was pounding.

Raeyn wouldn’t look at me. “Well, I’m afraid it looks like I owe you a new pair of pants.” He tightened the strap around my biceps. “Make a fist.”

I did, and he shot something into the crook of my arm.

“This will put you under for a while. Count down from ten.”

“You’re a cheat, Nymeron,” I said, my tongue suddenly thick in my mouth. “’M serious. Need to know if I got to look for a new line of work. This gig’s short-lived if you can’t run.”

The lines in Raeyn’s face softened. He leaned forward and left a blurry white streak in the air behind him.

“Let me worry about that for a while, all right?” His eyes shone like silver mirrors. “Start counting, darling.”

I closed my eyes and did what I was told, no juice left to argue. Sleep settled over me like a warm blanket. My toes and fingertips started to tingle, impossibly heavy to lift. I made it down to seven before Raeyn’s fingers touched the side of my throat to take my pulse.

He flinched just a little when I turned my face into his palm. “Raeyn?”

“Yes?”

“Don’ go.”

He took a deep breath and almost pulled away, but then he brushed a curl out of my face, his hand curved against my cheek.

“I won’t. Don’t worry.”

“Good. Tell Jay if that cat of hers sleeps on my face again, ’m goin’ to kill it.”

Something softened and broke in Raeyn’s face, but if he said anything else, I didn’t hear it, because I slipped away right when my lips shaped the word “four.”

 

WHEN I WOKE up, the brightness had leaked out of the room. All those extra lights Raeyn had hauled inside were gone, along with the trays and equipment from the infirmary. The only light still burning was a dim glass lamp on the nightstand off to the side. It blended in with the orange fingers of sunset that clung to the windowsill, painting everything in streaks of fire.

Raeyn was asleep in one of the plushy chairs he must’ve pulled up from across the room. He sprawled in it with one leg slung over the arm of the chair. Jay’s cat Dust was a purring ball of gray fur asleep in his lap. Raeyn’s head was turned to the side, his scars hidden against the high back of the chair. At that angle, he’d wake up with hells of a crick in his neck. The fading light outlined him in a warm glow, like a statue cast in pale gold. Exhaustion had carved dark hollows underneath his eyes. I wanted to reach out, brush them away like smudges of ink.

It still took a scary amount of effort to sit up. The stabbing pain underneath my ribs had disappeared and given way to weakness that’d settled in my bones like lead. Still, the mattress creaked as I shifted around stiffly and Raeyn’s eyes fluttered open, dark and hazy with sleep. I put my hand down quickly.

“Hey.” Raeyn’s mouth curved into a slow smile. It twisted into a wince as he unfolded himself from the armchair and rubbed the back of his neck. Dust let out a pissed-off meow at his movement and stalked out the cracked door. “How are you feeling?”

I wanted him to sit back down so I could put my head where that damn cat’d been a moment ago and go right back to sleep.

But what I said was, “Okay. I think.” Even though pulling myself up to a sitting position had felt like an incredible feat, I wasn’t lying. I felt weak and a little stiff, like I’d slept for a hundred years, but the pain was gone. “Voyance healing is creepy as fuck.”

The corner of Raeyn’s mouth twitched into a half smile. “I suppose it is, a little.”

“How long’ve I been out?” I remembered drifting in and out for a while and dimly remembered eating, a lot. Still, my stomach felt hollow, like I hadn’t eaten in days.

“A little longer than a day and a half.”

“What?” I started up sharply. Bad idea, I thought, prepared for the kick to my ribs. It didn’t come.

“You needed it.” Raeyn slid off the sling he’d tied around my shoulder. “Lots to repair.”

“Mhmm.” I leaned into him, didn’t care where he touched me as long as he kept doing it and I didn’t have to worry where all those touchy-feely ideas came from. The scrapes and bruises were gone, nothing but a bump in my shoulder where it’d separated. All set and healed.

Carefully, I took a deep breath, still not quite used to it that I could.

“Holy shit, it’s like nothing ever happened.”

“Hm.” Skepticism furrowed Raeyn’s forehead. “I wouldn’t go that far. The Voyance may mask some of it, but that knee of yours is going to give you some trouble for a while yet. You should take it easy for at least a few days.”

Easy. Right, what with E-Day looming just around the corner.

He was starting to make up excuses to keep his hand on me. The covers had slid down to my waist and I wasn’t wearing anything but boxers and the elastic around my ribs and knee.

I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Raeyn let his hand fall to his side. “You should rest.” His fingertips left a tingle on my skin that quickly turned into goose bumps. “And eat. The Voyance makes your metabolism burn through calories.”

He stepped back, but I was faster and snatched his wrist before he could leave. “Stay.”

Raeyn looked at me, stunned. His voice cracked a little. “I should go.”

He tried to wriggle out of my grip, but I held on.

“No. Stay,” I repeated and brushed my lips against his fingers. “Please.”

Before I could think twice about it, I dragged his head down and kissed him. Whatever doubts I had were shoved back into the farthest corner of my mind, buried deep under the feel of Raeyn’s mouth hot and hungry against mine and the thrill that kissing him sent through me. It was like a shock of electricity or lightning, like a fight that could only be won once there wasn’t a gap between us, just skin against skin.

I pulled him down to the bed. Raeyn went after me like a man drowning, helpless against the current that dragged him out to sea.

“There,” I said, a little breathless against his mouth. “Better.”

“Are you sure you are all right?” Raeyn said once I let him up for air. The back of his hand touched my forehead. “Hm, no fever. A concussion maybe? Wouldn’t surprise me if you hit your head and didn’t even notice. So very typical. Your pupils are a bit dilated.”

I brushed his hand away. “Stop that. Is it so hard for you to believe I…”

“You, what?” he asked, carefully pronouncing each syllable. Very fucking like him to make me say it. Bastard.

“I—” I swallowed against the sudden tightness in my throat, the flutter in the pit of my stomach. The words came out in a rush. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. I like you, okay? I really like you. A lot.”

There. Out it was. Bit on the shitty side, but wasn’t like I had practice at these things.

With Aris, I’d never needed to. With him, everything’d been easy. Until it hadn’t been.

Shit, just thinking about Aris sent a pang deeper than guilt through my gut.

Raeyn stared at me as if I’d slapped him. He pushed away and out of the bed.

“Don’t humor me. Anything but that.”

I blinked. “What the fuck? Shit, you don’t think I—”

I reached for him, but he held up a hand. “Please.” His eyes reminded me of the big silver coins the Celebrants of the Temple laid on the faces of their dead. “You don’t want me. You can’t even stand me. And about the other day. When I kissed you.” He trailed off. For a split second, I thought he was ready to reach out, close back in on me, but he took a step back. “I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“You weren’t the only one pushing.” I remembered how I’d shoved him against the wall, my hands in his hair, under his shirt, his lips hot on mine… Fuck, but he confused the hells out of me. A few days ago, he’d all but jumped my bones and now this.

“I’ll say it again, if you want. I like you. Never thought I’d say that, but I do. I want you.” I took a deep breath, very aware of how completely fucking pathetic I sounded, especially when I added quietly, “Thought you wanted me, too.”

Raeyn gave me a shaky smile. “I do.”

“Then what in the Seven bloody Hells is your problem?”

“My problem is I want you to want me for me. Not for whom you see in me.”

“For who I, wait, what?” I could’ve kicked myself. Right after I got done kicking him. “You think I like you because you look like Aris?” Ah, Gods.

Raeyn wouldn’t meet my eyes. Just stared at the empty stretch of carpet between him and the bed.

“I trust you understand I’m fairly tired of living in the shadow of my little brother. I’m not him and I refuse to be his substitute.” Two steps got him across the room. He leaned his forehead against the door. “Gods, this is embarrassing.” White knuckles closed around the doorknob. “I should go. Let’s pretend this never happened, okay?”

“Like hells.”

I hauled myself out of bed and staggered to him. My body took less than two seconds to remind me I wasn’t entirely out of the woods yet. I stood shaking, my fists curling into Raeyn’s shirt.

“I said, stay.” The words were muffled against his neck, and I had to fight for the breath to get them out. My knee felt like someone shot spikes of fire through it, but it held. “Don’t leave. I mean it.” Not that he’d much of a choice with me clinging to him.

I thought he’d push me away, but then all the tension drained out of him and he leaned into me instead, his breath a whisper against my ear.

“Dear Gods, what will it take for you to stay off that leg? I meant that part about tying you to the bed, you know.”

“Whatever you want.”

I let Raeyn drag me back to bed. “You know this would be easier if you let go of me.”

“Not a chance.”

Raeyn snorted, but he didn’t let go of me either.

“It’s okay.” I pulled him down with me and kissed him again. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried!” He sounded breathless. “I simply refuse to be your rebound fling. Contrary to popular opinion, I do have standards.”

“Prove it.” I leaned in close enough to see the pulse jump under his skin. “Fuck me.”

Silence. “You—” Raeyn cleared his throat, but it didn’t get rid of the croak in his voice. “You want me to—”

“If you’re so worried about me comparing you to Aris, then come here and fuck me.” I watched him, distracted by the way his hair curled around his ears and against the side of his neck and then decided to hells with it and licked the taut line of his throat. “The Gods know he never did.”

Raeyn let out a strangled sound, trapped somewhere between a gasp and a moan, hands clutching at the sheets. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” I grinned and nipped at his earlobe. “Unless your stamina isn’t up to snuff?”

“Please.” Raeyn’s eyes glinted in amusement. Then he was on me, one hand on my good shoulder, the other buried deep in my hair. He pulled me up into a harsh kiss.

I gasped, smile etched with a wince. “Take it easy on me.”

“Sorry.” Raeyn pulled back. “You aren’t well. We shouldn’t—”

“I’m fine.” I hooked a hand around his belt, already busy untucking his shirt. “’Sides I’m going to lie down and let you do all the work.”

Raeyn gave me a crooked grin. “If that’s what you want.”

“Hells, Nymeron, I’ve wanted this since you kissed me to get me out of Coras’s bar.” And Gods, I had. It didn’t hit me until just now how much. Shit.

Raeyn breathed a soft laugh. “I suppose that was before I shot you to save my own hide.” He winced and glanced at the puckered scar he’d left in my shoulder. “I’m sorry for that, by the way. I—”

I put a finger to his lips. “Oh, let’s be clear: you owe me for that one.” I traced his lower lip with my index finger. “With interest.”

He nipped at me. “In that case, I’d like to pay you in installments.”

Raeyn kicked the covers out of the way and kissed me again. Never would’ve thought his lips would be so warm and eager, his breath hot and ragged when I bit his lower lip. I let him go and he kissed my throat, my shoulder, my collarbone. All aches and twinges faded as his mouth found my right nipple and then trailed down toward the waistband of my boxers.

“Raeyn.” I barely got his name out. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, with Raeyn’s fingers dragging down my last piece of clothing. “Gods, Raeyn, slow down.”

He arched a silver eyebrow. “I can do that.” He bent down and licked me, setting his mouth to work with tantalizing slowness.

I had to bite my lip to hold back the whimper, but that only encouraged him, and Gods did I want to encourage him.

Raeyn pushed himself on his elbows to watch me. “Gods, but you are gorgeous.”

Heat burned up my throat. I swallowed. “Right, Nymeron. Pretty sure you say that to every guy whose dick you just had in your mouth.”

Raeyn winked. “Not all of them. Only you.” He closed his mouth around me again.

I let my head fall back and allowed myself to come apart under his mouth and tongue.

“Hm, not yet.” It took two tries to get myself under enough control to draw him back up so I could get him out of his clothes. I made a total mess of Raeyn’s shirt, buttons flying everywhere. As I was about to pull his shirt off, I noticed how he’d gotten completely still and wouldn’t meet my eyes. Instead, he kept sneaking glances at the lamp on the nightstand and tried to turn his left side away from me.

“Hey.” I caught his arm before he could pull away. “Told you, you’re worrying too much about those scars. C’mere. Tell me to stop if this is too much, okay?”

Gently, I slid my hands under his unbuttoned shirt and slipped it off. The low light made shadows dance across the scars covering the left side of his body. Like the ones on his face, they’d healed to pinkish-white lines and welts spilling across his arm, back, and torso, twisting his skin like melted candle wax.

I felt him tremble when I touched the scarred side of his face. I paused. “Okay?”

“Yes.” Raeyn watched me through fluttering lashes. He bit his lip. Nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay,” I said and turned over his hand in mine. “Just relax. How’s that?”

First, I kissed his palm, then the inside of his wrist where the first tendrils of scar tissue started lapping at pale skin. Raeyn’s breath turned more ragged the farther I inched my way up his arm. I grazed his collarbone, licked across the jagged hangman’s scar that circled his throat, and lingered at the underside of his jaw.

“Damian.” Raeyn made a low, broken sound when I kissed the scars on his face. I took my time to get to the corner of his mouth, finally his lips. Long fingers ran through my hair, curved against the back of my neck as if he was afraid I’d walk away. As if there was a chance.

“Turn over,” he breathed between kisses. “Please.”

“Thought you’d never ask.” I grinned and did as I was told.

There was the clinking of his belt, the sound of a zipper coming undone, skin shrugging out of fabric and the rip of foil and the roll of latex, until Raeyn straddled my thighs, naked and hot against me. A warm shudder rolled down my spine when he leaned down and kissed the nape of my neck, but I still twitched when his fingertips trailed across the tattoo on my right shoulder, skimmed the scars that mapped out most of my back. By now, I’d long forgotten which of them had been put there by Marten at L’Ecole and which had come later, layered on through training or my own special skill for pissing off Reds.

Raeyn’s hands on my hips sent a flash of memory and my breath caught with a brief stab of panic. I squeezed my eyes shut to chase it away.

“Damian, are you all right?”

“Fine. Shit. Don’t—” My heart beat in my throat. Stuttered when he let go of me.

“No,” Raeyn said softly. “Turn around, please. Let me see you.”

I exhaled. Rolled over, half terrified to find pity or worse in his eyes.

Raeyn studied me with calm patience. “We don’t need to —”

“Fuck, Nymeron, I swear if you’re going to quit on me now, I might have to kill you after all.”

Raeyn laughed. “Can’t have that, sorry.” He dragged a pillow close and slid it under my hips. “Lie back. Let me take care of you.”

And he did. Kneeling between my legs, Raeyn’s hands and tongue traced tingling patterns onto my skin, chasing the past away. Probably shouldn’t’ve been surprised the lube he’d snatched from a drawer smelled faintly like the lavender soap he used. He carefully lifted my legs, propping them against his shoulders in a way that wouldn’t jostle my knee.

“All right?” The question came with a kiss along my calf and a lube-slick finger at my taint.

I nodded, voice sliding into a groan when he slipped first one, then two fingers inside. He worked me thoroughly, touching me in places no one’d touched in far too long, stretching me with a third finger until I couldn’t think of anything but him, hot and hard against me and how much I needed his cock in place of his fingers.

“Raeyn. Raeyn. Gods, quit being such a tease and fuck me already.”

I felt him laugh and withdraw his fingers. “I suppose this means you’re still sure about this.”

“Fuck yes, I’m sure. Just, please. Go ahead and—”

Everything else caught on a moan when he pushed into me.

Raeyn took it slow, gently moving against me, pushing burn into pleasure, a string of low words murmured into the soft spot where my neck met shoulder. Wrapped around him, I forgot all about L’Ecole, Aris, my tired body, or how very out of practice at this I was.

All I had to do was let myself fall, knowing Raeyn’d be there to catch me.