Dancing to those words is exciting and excruciating. Exciting because if he wrote those words, he must mean them, right?
Excruciating because what am I going to do? Sleeping with the guy who might be your boss is usually frowned upon. And I’ve seen that girl—Olivia—blinking tears away.
Plus, being in a relationship would mean opening up, and being myself, and that I can’t do.
Being in France means reinventing myself. When I left the city, I promised myself I’d leave my past in the past. And certain things are definitely better left in the past. Plus, come on, the fiasco with Nick taught me that I can become too attached, too certain about something. And then crashing down hurts like hell.
I turn to the right, do a small pas chassé before arching my back.
His voice goes back to the main chorus and it’s like he’s near me, like he’s whispering those words into my ear.
My heart beats faster and faster, while my movements become even more fluid, even fuller of meaning.
You’re the girl who got away.
The girl who got away.
The one-night stand who got away.
Your touch and your whispers.
Your skin against mine. I remember everything.
We said no promises. No fake tomorrows. Just one night.
Just one night isn’t enough, it has to be the beginning.
Of something more.
My feet take me on a slow spin, and when the music stops, part of me stays with it. Lucas is about to say something. He has to say something.
He stands up and the way he smiles, the way he moves is everything I want to know. He meant every word.
But his manager cuts him off. “This was lovely. We will call you to let you know our decision.”
And wow, that was dry and cold and pretty much put me back in my place. I go to gather my clothes and my bag. “Thank you for your time.”
I’m tempted to tell Lucas I want to see him again. Clearly, the manager isn’t a fan of mine, and I probably won’t get the part if he has a say in it.
The right side of my brain argues that I should leave and never look back. That I should realize being with someone like Lucas would bring scrutiny into my life that I don’t need or want, but the right side of my brain is shadowed by the rest of my entire body, screaming that it wants to spend more time with Lucas, that auditioning for him is a sign.
Even though I promised myself when Mia got sick that I would no longer believe in signs. Some people find solace in the hope of a bigger and better plan, but the only thing I hope for is that Mia is now in a better place.
I stare at the floor and stride toward the exit without a word. The high I felt while dancing is gone and I’m left with memories of Mia at the hospital, with memories of my past mistakes.
“Jen, wait!” Lucas calls me and he jogs next to me.
“Lucas! We’re not done here.” His manager calls him.
“Give me one minute!” He doesn’t need to yell to sound imposing.
I stop at the exit and I can’t resist: I turn to him. Big mistake. Our bodies are so close to one another, I can feel his breath mixing with mine as I tilt my head up. The awe in his eyes makes me want to kiss him, to back him against the door and feel his lips against mine again. I need to reign my hormones in.
“You were absolutely amazing.” His hand touches my shoulder. It’s a light touch but it’s enough to set my body on fire.
“Your lyrics were…they were…I’m speechless.”
“Well, the girl who inspired them is pretty amazing. Full of surprises.”
“I saw you…” I blurt out and wish I could take my words back when he raises an eyebrow. I lower my voice. “I don’t want to get in the middle of anything. I saw you and…the girl with the red hair in the hallway and it looks like you guys are not done.”
He rubs the back of his neck, but he looks more annoyed than “caught in the act.” “Olivia. You saw me with Olivia,” he explain as if it all made sense. “She’s my ex. My manager is trying to get her back into my good graces because we make for good tabloid stories.”
“Tabloid stories?”
“If tabloids report about your whereabouts, you’re it. You made it. But…there’s a downside to that.” He chuckles and his finger trails down my cheek. I want to lean into his hand, I want to wrap my arms around him. I want…him.
“What’s the downside?” I try so hard to keep my voice even but I’m clearly failing miserably because the way his eyes darken, he can feel how much I want him.
“First world problems,” he jokes, but it sounds flat. He rubs the back of his neck again. Must be one of his tells when he’s uncomfortable. “Sometimes, I wish they didn’t print everything. Words and images hurt. One newspaper published a picture of my best friend shooting himself up a day before his death.”
“What?” In his apartment, before he started baking, he told me about his best friend dying. But he never mentioned it was from an overdose.
“Lucas!” His manager sounds like my mom when she wanted me to clean my room.
“You were absolutely amazing.” He bends down and his lips touch the spot right by my mouth. So close yet so far. “I’ll call you.”
I nod. And step out the audition room.
Because if I stayed one more minute, one more second, I would have blurted out the truth. I would have told him about that one night no one knows about except my parents.
And he would have looked at me very differently.
I almost died of an overdose too.