In the car driving us to the studio, I turn on my phone for only a second to text my parents so they know there might soon be stories about my incident in Cape Cod. I don’t read any other text messages, because reading about hate and people wanting to see me die isn’t exactly a mood booster.
Mom calls me right back and I manage to calm her down, promising her that everything will be fine. I make a mental note to call Emilia as soon as I’m back in my apartment to give her the news first.
The car pulls in front of a big modern building in La Défense neighborhood. My eyes scan all the details: the big bay windows, the long elevators, the plants and flowers at every corner. It smells like air freshener and roses, an interesting mix. The receptionist has a warm smile, and everyone around us looks very professional in their business suits, carrying briefcases.
“I’m still wearing my sweatpants.” I tug on Lucas’ sleeve, sounding maybe a bit more desperate than necessary considering everything else we’ve been going through.
“You look great, kind of like you planned to wear this,” he whispers back and takes my hand in his. I hold on to him. We are rushed to the twenty-eighth floor. Olivia, Steve and Dimitri are already there. Olivia is dressed in what I recognize to be a Stella McCartney pullover black dress. Mom loves that designer and has taken me to several of her shows. The sleeves are long but the front is revealing and hugs her curves. It’s supposed to look casual, but really, it is sexy and elegant. Her fiery red hair floats around her, contrasting with the colors of her clothing. She pretty much could grace the cover of Vogue, while I could pose for Kohl’s.
Which is fine. Because I love Kohl’s.
“Hi,” Olivia says in a way that makes it clear she knows I’ve been staring. “It’s nice seeing you again.”
Steve’s smile is warm and kind, and he gives me a nod as if he was welcoming me into their group.
I’m usually not awkward. That’s a lie. I am usually awkward, but I’m a pro at hiding it. Now? Not so much. I don’t know if I should shake their hands, or maybe give them each a hug. No, definitely not a hug.
Dimitri waves at me, but it’s distant, like he’s still gauging who I am. He seems to be the silent, brooding type. It must be hard to lose a friend, and a band through no fault of your own.
Steve gives me a fist bump, settling the awkwardness. “So sorry about all the drama already. Welcome to the show business!” Then he dazzles me with a big smile.
“He wants to ask you something,” Lucas warns me.
“I haven’t talked to Alisha yet,” I whisper and Steve’s shoulders slouch.
“I get it. But you will, right?”
“I’ll mention how wonderful you are, but then it’s between her and you—and now tell me, why exactly am I telling her you’re wonderful?”
“I’m a decent guy. I work hard. I’m pretty talented. I care about people. I collect stamps.”
“Stamps?”
“Yes, stamps. It started when I was eight years old and my family was getting letters from Italy.” He shrugs but can’t hide his excitement, and I’m not sure I’ve seen anything cuter than a big sexy guy who’s so into something like ...stamps. “Oh, and I also graduated one year early and I’m an engineer by training.”
“What kind of engineer?” I tease him.
“Chemical engineer, of course. Those are the best engineers. Really.”
Dimitri joins in the conversation. “Don’t get him started on his studies. He will never shut up.”
“What do you do in your spare time?” I ask Dimitri, thankful for them keeping me busy, so I don’t have to look at Olivia talking to Lucas.
“I’m married. I’ve got two kids.” He tilts his head to the side. “I’m a bit older than those two.” He pauses and glances at Lucas. “That’s why Grégoire is pushing Lucas to be the bad boy of the band. Steve is too outgoing. He wears his heart on his sleeve. People love him but Lucas has the mysterious factor. I’m the one women want to settle down with…” His smile is crooked but warm and sincere.
“How did you get into the band?” I ask him, all curious.
“When the three of them started up, they were missing a drummer. My band had just broken up and Grégoire asked me to join. I love Lucas’ way of music and Benji was…he was a genius. Too bad he didn’t recognize it himself.”
They sound like a family. A family with issues, granted. But a family nonetheless.
And Grégoire claps his hands in a very teacher-trying-to-get everyone’s-attention way. “Fabian will be here very soon. When he gets here, we’ll first get to one of the studios because he has to listen to Olivia and Lucas singing together. We’ll introduce him to Jen and explain what we’ve decided to do about the drugs-related issues she brings with her.” He sounds so dismissive of my past—like it’s only a trace of ink in a long book. But even though I hope he’s right, my eyes still dart to the rest of the group. Steve’s and Dimitri’s mouths gape open for a split second while Olivia stares at me, and I’m not quite sure what is in her eyes. She whispers something to Lucas, who shakes his head but doesn’t look my way. So maybe it’s not about me.
“Hallo, Guten Tag.” A man—lanky and tall—enters the room. He’s dressed in jeans and a pullover. Casual. But definitely not as casual as my sweatpants and sweater. If he thinks I’m not really looking like the ballerina he imagined, his eyes don’t betray it. “You must be Jen.” He goes straight to me and holds his hand out. “Igor called me to let me know you’ve got the part…and then I saw it on the news.”
Igor. Could Igor have told everyone before Grégoire? I wouldn’t put it past him. “Igor and I go way back. I was assistant director on the movie he starred in back in the eighties. Ancient, I tell you.” His German accent is very strong, but he sounds very friendly. I don’t know what to say. It’s all very surreal, very different than what I expected.
“Hi.” This is my witty comeback. I glance at Lucas, who is staring at me, stifling a laugh. I must look quite dumfounded. I close my mouth. And then open it again. “It’s very nice meeting you.”
“Ja, ja.” He turns around to the rest of the group. “We have lots of work to do for this video to be released as soon as you want. I’ve only read the lyrics, but I want to hear you sing it. I understand Lucas and Olivia are reuniting for this song.”
Olivia nods, doesn’t say a word. She stays in the back. Carefully watching everyone, including me. She’s clearly comfortable in this type of situation. Not like me. And I thought I could fake everything.
“We are singing this song together.” Lucas brushes past me and my heart jumps up and down and it’s almost like he wants to make sure I know he’s thinking about me. This friendship clause I also put on our time together is going to be much harder than I thought. But I need to see this through. Not jump headfirst into a relationship that could break me. And then what? My career also fizzles out? Because let’s face it, if anything goes wrong right now, I’m putting my career and the company at risk.
“Okay, then let’s go.” Fabian guides us through the hallways full of recording trophies and platinum discs, of pictures of him with various artists. I stop in front of an older picture.
“Is that Igor?” I point to the man with long hair wearing elephant jeans. Much different than the one wearing Cartier or Versace pressed costumes who is always so proper.
“Igor was very big on the revolution at the time. He didn’t like the conformity of ballet.”
“There’s not a lot of articles about this.”
“He doesn’t brag about it either. And he kind of redeemed himself when he joined the Opéra de Paris. He did it to be closer to Audrey, but I don’t think they ever got married or even together,” Fabian explains, taking his time.
“Audrey Solane?” That would explain why they’re so close to one another, but not why they never got married.
“That’s her. She was so beautiful. But she was always so scared of letting Igor in. Scared that he would hurt her, not realizing that sometimes letting people in is also another way to love yourself, to give yourself a chance.” His voice drops and it’s like he’s only talking to me. He continues to walk and his words resonate in my mind. Am I being too scared of getting hurt again? Is it too easy to keep Lucas at arm’s length because of how stupid and sad I felt when I realized what I wanted from Nick was only a figment of my imagination?
“I’m a big romantic.” He laughs louder this time and the entire group turns to us. “People don’t think German can be romantics, but have you ever read Heinrich Heine, or this poem by Goethe?” His voice booms and people poke their heads out of their offices with a smile, like it’s perfectly normal for him to be reciting German poems in the middle of the day.
“‘Ich höre dich,
wenn dort mit dumpfem Rauschen
Die Welle steigt.
Im stillen Haine geh' ich oft zu lauschen,
Wenn alles schweigt.’
“Does anyone know what it means?”
Olivia turns to him and with a wistful smile, she answers. “I hear you,
when with a dull roar
The wave surges.
In the quiet grove I often go to listen
When all is silent.”
“Very good,” he replies. Only he and Lucas do not look surprised. Everyone else stares at Olivia like they don’t know who she is. “I’ve heard you read and understand German.”
“I do. Not very well, but when I learned how to sing, I wanted to learn poems from all countries to maybe get inspiration…I don’t know.” She glances at Lucas and their eyes lock for a second too long. Like they’re reminiscing about a memory only the two of them share, which is probably the case. And there’s a sharp pang in my heart.
And I need a second to put my blank mask on again. I force a smile and hurry to walk close to Steve and Dimitri, leaving Olivia and Lucas and my aching heart behind.
Except I can’t escape when they’re both in the studio singing. I’ve never heard these lyrics before. During the audition, it was only the melody, the piano mixed with the guitar and the drums.
Right here, right now, it’s the both of them…singing together, looking at each other for cues. And while it takes them a while to get comfortable, once they are you see how much they know one another.
And then there are the lyrics. Lyrics so heartbreaking that I wish I could reach out through the glass and touch Lucas, to let him know I’m here. Even though it hurts to see him and Olivia so close to one another, I know how important it is for both of them to grieve.
You…you didn’t know how much you meant to us.
You let her take you away. Or did we not see it, did we let it happen?
The guilt eats us away but I’d have a thousand time more pain if it meant seeing you again.
We remember you. Every day. Every day you’re part of us.
A light, a sound, a memory that makes us laugh.
Do you remember the time you jumped off a cliff into the water?
Is that where you are now? Jumping cliffs. Jumping into the water?
Little by little you disappeared. She took you. Your spirit, your mind, your hope.
Why didn’t you tell me?
“I’m sorry,” Olivia says and the tears she seemed to be holding back fall down. Lucas looks like he’s not sure what he should do, but then he takes her hand in hers.
Grégoire stands next to me. “They have so much history together.”
Steve jumps in, bumping his hip to mine, maybe in a sign of solidarity. “History, yes. Future? I don’t think so. Lucas has moved on.”
“I’m not so sure. A lot of what happened was emotions running high. That proposal bogus story was a mistake, but the engagement story was not something Olivia planned. I’m sure of that. Someone overheard her talking to a friend and then printed the story. And when she tried her solo career after Benji died, it was also a call for help. She needed him and he didn’t see it. She’s been trying to convince him, and maybe time spent together is what they need.”
“What’s in it for you?” Steve sounds angry on my behalf while all I can do is watch Lucas comfort Olivia. Or Olivia comfort Lucas. And pretend that my heart isn’t plummeting to the floor, that my heart isn’t slowly breaking, that my heart isn’t crying along with them.
“Nothing. Except maybe getting my band back together. Those two singing together is such a better show than Lucas alone.”
Fabian presses a button, stopping our conversation. “This was great. I think the mood and feelings you’re bringing into the song will go nicely with what I have planned for the music video.” He pauses and turns to me. He stands taller, more in charge, and I see now the famous producer he is. “Let’s go to the meeting room so I can show you my vision.”
And as we leave the room, Olivia and Lucas follow closely. I force myself not to look back, not to listen to what Olivia is saying, but I can’t help but overhear her telling Lucas: “I’ve been so lost without you. I understand that you moved on, but you can’t deny we still have something.”
I hurry closer to Fabian, pretending to ask questions about what is about to happen, how the music video shoot is going to work, what choreographer I’m going to work with.
“So many questions,” he replies with a soft turn to his lips. “But I don’t think that’s really what you’re asking yourself, and I have no answers for those ones.” He pauses. “But he might.” And he strides ahead into the meeting room.
“Hey.” Lucas gently puts his hand on my arm and everyone passes in front of us, enters the meeting room, until we’re alone in the hallway.
“Hey,” I reply but my eyes stay glued to the floor. I don’t have any right to be angry and I’m not, but the sadness I feel is almost too much. I miss the time I decided to keep everyone away. I almost regret the promise I made to my sister. And then I hate myself for even thinking this. My mind is racing.
“Would you go somewhere with me after we go through the script?”
“I don’t know. I need to be at the ballet company pretty early. Still need to get a new phone number. And I’m kind of scared of what’s going to happen once we reveal…” I struggle to find the words. “My past.”
“It will only take two hours. I wanted to show you Paris a different way. I promise it’s going to be fun. We could forget about what’s going on for a while, go back to that one night.”
This time, I look up. “See, that’s the thing. We can’t simply go back and pretend reality isn’t happening. I can’t live in a fantasy.” My tone is harsh, but he needs to realize that even a friendship can’t work if we don’t face our issues.
“I get it.” He leans in closer to me, too close, way too close for my heart to not try to reach out to his. “Please. One evening, as friends. We won’t avoid reality, I promise. But we’ll also make sure we find ways to enjoy reality. It’s not all darkness and sadness.”
And for him to say this while he’s hurting moves me, and I nod. “Okay, this evening.”
He opens the door for me and I slide in. The band stands in front of a man who isn’t as tall as Steve or Dimitri, so I can’t see him. But his voice? His voice I recognize.
“Hi Jen. Hope you’re ready to work.” Igor marches through the small crowd and sits next to Fabian. “I’m happy to be working with you on that choreography.”