CHAPTER FIVE

“I’ve been thinking about your brother’s wedding.”

“Mm…m,” Mal had her head buried in some work files she had had to bring home. Nikki had given her a cohort of kids under four which was proving to be quite the challenge. Jellie was catching up on the ironing, mostly Mal’s clothes for work.

“I think, with the success of the jumping arena and EJ’s capabilities, you could take a two week vacation and visit your family.”

Mal set down her papers and looked up. This past month her personal side of things had not been to the forefront of her mind. It was true, their business was under control and the staff had been great. Delinda Knobel had finally achieved her accreditation and been in touch with them. Undeniably, with her on board they would be doing well. Mal thought out loud.

“August could be a good time. With the school year finished, many of them are away for the summer break.”

“Nessa’s experience means she could take over the accounts, especially with the teaching load down.”

“I’ll pass it by Nikki and see if the time would be in conflict with any of the others. They could be hoping for August, too and they’ve been with her longer than I have.”

“So you will consider it?” Jellie asked hopefully, as she hung up another shirt and went on to the next.

* * *

Because Mal was working part-time her holiday hours were not on the same scale as the permanents. This allowed time off at the supervisor’s discretion, so she was able to report back that the first two weeks could be a ‘go’.

“Give your Mother a call then. It will make her so happy.” She waited ’til her next day off, checked the time difference and called early evening their time.

“Mallory it’s you!” June answered.

“How’re you and Dad?”

“Good. Good. How are you dear?”

“Is the wedding still on?”

“Sure is. Are you calling about coming over?”

“I am.”

“Oh Possum, what good news,” Mal heard her call out: ‘Stan, come here,’ then she was back to the line.

“How long will you be able to stay? Can you get someone to look after your ward?”

Now her mother had mentioned Jellie, Mal thought the time opportune to make her suggestion. She had recalled that she had speculated before on bringing her over for Christmas, but the wedding would be even better.

“Hi Dad, Mum listen, how would it be if I brought Nigella with me?”

There was silence, then: “Is she someone capable of travelling?” The voice lacked warmth, but Mal didn’t notice, too swept up in her exciting proposition.

“Oh yes. She’s all better now. It would be a wonderful experience for her.”

Stan came on the line. “That’ll be beaut, girl. More for our side, I say.”

“Actually, I haven’t asked her yet. I thought I’d pass it by you first. If it’s all right with you, then I’ll check it out and get back to you.”

Stan again: “Do that. Let us know as soon as you can, OK?”

June’s turn: “Mallory, this will be such good timing having you come over just now. Gavin’s got a number of his mates who’ll be here for the celebrations. There’ll be lots of nice young men for you to cast your eye over. Not all of them are married or have girlfriends.” She was feeling uncommonly elated. Everything was going to work out just right after all. In her enthusiasm she waxed expansively on the plans for the wedding. They were going to hold the reception at the Paradise Golf and Country Club. “It’s not too far from the church. They keep the gardens so beautiful. Oh, it will be lovely.”

“That sounds good,” but she was hardly listening. She wanted to hear what Jellie would say. “Mum, I have to go and I’ll call again to let you know.”

First thing, as soon as she closed off, was to go in search of Jellie. Such a temperate afternoon, she was outside making the most of it pottering in the garden. The flowers too, early Dahlias, had turned their multi-coloured heads sunward to glory in its rays. It was truly liberating after being cooped up over winter and she found the routine of garden work relaxing, before the kids arrived. Mal sat on a sawn log and watched for a while, enjoying Jellie’s total absorption in her occupation. She stretched out her legs to feel the quiet breeze and let the soothing warmth waft over her.

“Hey Babe, how would you like to make the trip with me?” she called out.

Jellie sat back on her haunches, taking a break from the weeding: “Both of us – away at the same time?”

“You said yourself we’ve got enough people to take over.” She raised her hand to her brow, squinting against the sun’s glare.

“To visit Australia, to meet your family, I think that would be awesome.”

“I promised to let them know what you decide. I was hoping you’d go for it, but I wasn’t game to speak in your place.”

“Darling, surely you know I’d like to go anywhere with you … and especially to meet your Mama and Papa.” She set down her tools and pulled off her gloves.

“Mm…m, as to that you won’t find them anything like yours. My folks are very down to earth … I call them Mum and Dad.”

“I’ll love your Mum and Dad …” she enunciated with care then laughed: “… because they gave me you.” She straightened herself up and went over to plant a big, fat kiss on her lips. Mal pulled her down to her lap.

“I’ll see about making the bookings. If I do them over the internet I may be able to locate a good deal. Two months in advance should make any airline interested,” then she gave her a smacking kiss in return.

As it happened it was almost a week later when next she phoned. Events hadn’t unfolded quite as quickly as expected, but in the end she had been able to secure a healthy discount. Now, armed with Jellie’s agreement and the dates, she was ready for the confirmation call. June was alone.

“Good news Mum. Jellie would love to come. I’ve got the dates for you. We’ll arrive one week in advance of the wedding then stay on for one more after that. I want to show Jellie something of Queensland and she’s keen to see where I grew up.”

“Two weeks isn’t much seeing as how you’re coming such a long way, but I guess if that’s all the time you can manage …?”

“My boss is sort of squeezing me out, so to speak, for that time.” Mal was pleased it had fallen into place with comparatively little hassle. “In a way, she’s doing me a big favour.” With everything going so well, she made the decision to fill her in and tell her that she and Jellie were an ‘item’. It would be so much better when they all met, that everything was out in the open. Gavin would be pleased for her, if he could think of anyone but Kryssi by then. She knew her Mum wanted to see her settled and happy. Yes, this will be the better way to go.

“Something else Mum …”

“Yes dear?”

“Do you remember when you first called, how you said you would like to know I’d found someone to settle down with?”

“Indeed, we both would.”

“Well, Mum I have.”

“Oh Mal, that’s wonderful news. Who is he? When did this happen?” She could hear the smile in her voice.

“Mum, it’s Nigella. It was on my birthday.”

“Nigella!” the name exploded from her lips. A lengthy silence followed. It stretched out along the transatlantic cable, the dead air registering a negative reception.

“Mum?”

“A woman! You’re not serious?”

“Mum, of course I am.”

“What will your father say?”

“I hope he’ll be happy for me,” she retorted sharply.

“Mallory this is not something to make him happy, me neither.” Her fingers curled tight around the hand piece as she thought of all the implications. Not only what she would say to Stan, but to friends and neighbours; and what about grandchildren?

“Mum, what are you saying?”

“What are you saying, girl?” She tried to hold back her anger, but there was still accusation in the voice. Silence returned. A curious expression crossed Mal’s face; something painful as she pressed her hand to her cheek, leaving white marks on her skin. There was an instant of knowing – she had misjudged their feelings. A wall of misconceptions lay between them, too great to leap in one phone call. She tried to dismiss her fears, but failed. She had thought all they wanted was for her to be happy. Now true sentiments had been stripped bare – leaving them with what?

“We can’t talk now. I’ll have to speak to your father.” She really couldn’t bring herself to say more. She needed to hear what Stan would say. Much would depend on how he felt about this. Their plans for the future had been dashed in one brief moment. It was to be Gavin married, then Mallory. How could she do this to them?

“All right, Mum.”

“Perhaps, if you’re coming over, you should consider coming alone?” her voice had become neutral in an effort to hold back on her real emotions.

“Mum, I don’t want it to seem like she’s someone I have to hide. Anyway, I don’t want to leave Nigella behind.”

“If it’s like that, then perhaps it’s best you don’t come at all.” The silence stretched out between them.

“If that’s how you feel …” she cut the connection. What a way to end!

Bitter thoughts wracked her mind. Disappointment and anger struggled within her. Her eyes suddenly glistened and she blinked hurriedly, trying to eliminate the tears, but failed. A drop slid down her face. It was hard to absorb the shock of this sudden realisation. Now she was alienated from her family and she had always thought them so close and loving. What was this, ‘best you don’t come at all’? How could everything have gone so wrong?

Should I have kept quiet? But what sort of visit would that be, trying to pretend … in the face of all that celebrating too.

* * *

“You look downhearted, dearest. What’s the matter?” Lessons had finished for the day and Jellie was on her way to the office to complete the bookwork.

“Sit for a moment Jells,” Mal patted the cushions beside her. “I just spoke to Mum. It seems the trip’s off.” She was sitting with her shoulders stiff, back upright, as if to bend were impossible.

“The wedding has been cancelled?” she asked incredulously as she sat down. Now her whole attention concentrated on Mal’s face.

“No-o, but something’s come up.” Her knotted hands were twisting convulsively. She was scared to put the hideous truth into words; to tell her that she’d been cut by her parents – or the reason for it. Nor did she want Jellie living on, in excited anticipation, of a trip that was not to be.

“What has come up?” She couldn’t imagine anything that would cancel a trip like this, except something wrong with the airline. As to that, there must be other carriers.

Her eyes fixed on Jellie’s worried concern. “I’m sorry Babe. I know you were so looking forward to this.”

“Tell me!”

She couldn’t. Too ashamed and yes, humiliated. Nor did she want Jellie to feel in any way the cause. A frown passed across her brow then disappeared as she thought it over, regaining her interior authority. “Listen Jells,” she blurted out: “We’ll go to Australia … we’re just not going to a wedding, that’s all. We don’t have to cancel the trip.” She had found the way to solve her problem. We can bypass Cairns. We’ll go to Sydney. She’ll love it.

“Not meet your parents, Gavin or Kryssi?”

She gave a wan smile. “No Sweetness. It’s not going to happen,” then she visibly brightened: “But Australia’s a big country and there’s lots for you to see and enjoy. We’d have a lovely time. There’s so much I want to show you.”

“But you want to see your Mama and Papa.” She was studying her face, trying to find something more tangible behind these words that lay on the surface. “There will have been so much preparation and all those people expecting to see you again; anticipating they’ll catch up on your news after all this time.” She wouldn’t leave it alone.

“Jellie!” her voice rose as her frown deepened and her cheeks flared to a sudden red. She snapped out in hot fury: “I already told you that’s not going to happen. Can’t you open your ears and listen? I’ve told you to stop. Now drop this.” There was a white line round her mouth; her unmitigated features were hard and uncompromising. Jellie recoiled in shock. Mal’s voice had been so abrasive and discordant. The usually faultless lines of her face were now rigid and insensitive. She hardly recognised this woman as her lover. She closed her lips tightly as nervous emotion washed over her. She had seen something of this same abraded anger in her childhood. Full of hurt, she got up to leave. Mal’s hand reached out and caught at her arm.

“Darling, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so abrupt.” Her temper had died as rapidly as it had flared. Jellie turned, eyes challenging, but only to shake off the restraining hand and then she fled the room. Only Mal’s eyes followed. To have upset her so much sickened her, but it could not be undone. She would have to let her get over it in her own time.

Their evening was a sad case and now they were destined to sleep with this stony antagonism between them. Silently they prepared themselves for bed. What before had been a gratifying and warm ‘coming together’ at the end of a busy day, tonight was a constrained affair; the air charged with a discord so at variance to their usual dispositions.

In bed Mal said: “Jells, we can’t go on like this. Can’t we talk?” She drew the line at reaching out; at making physical contact. Jellie, her back to her, said in a voice rough with indignation: “I did want to. You were the one who wouldn’t.” Her heart was steely with opposition.

“You’re right. I should have been candid with you from the start.” This time she rested a tentative hand on Jellie’s shoulder. “Will you turn to me? I promise to explain.” The response to this overture was immediate. Since that dramatic scene she had been so utterly miserable. She had had no idea to what depths she could sink, if Mal were in a rage with her. Now she knew. With this friction, her unhappiness was almost beyond bearing. Her life had become unbalanced and she couldn’t wait to cross the gaping chasm that had somehow developed.

Mal switched on the night light which instantly bathed them in its amber warmth like a sheltering cocoon; a protective retreat in the downy softness of their bed. They were there for each other, wanting to understand, needing to be close. She turned back to Jellie. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to be hurt. Now I see that by not saying something, I did indeed hurt you.” She reached out and drew Jellie closer into her embrace. Her body yielded instantly and some of the horrible tension ebbed away. The affront melted out of her face and her emotion coursed freely into a silken drift. The eyes regarding Mal were large and luminous, revealing both trust and hesitation in their green pupils. She waited, feeling her love in place, eager to flow out in a willing stream of comprehension.

Mal took a deep breath, as if reaching a decision she knew would be onerous. “Today I phoned Australia …” Momentarily lost for words, she wondered: How do I put this? She would be trying to explain things; unkind things, things of which, in her innocence, Jellie had no conception.

“I thought I’d tell Mum about us.” Jellie continued with her fixed stare, focusing on every word.

“The news did not go down well. She didn’t like it.” Still she said nothing, Mal’s train of thought too important to break its flow. Mal tightened her hold then rained kisses on her cheek. “I’m sorry, Baby Girl. She doesn’t want us at the wedding.” They lay together for a while neither speaking, a long, shimmering silence enveloping them as the meaning became clear. Eventually Jellie stirred.

“They don’t want to meet me, you mean.” Am I the cause of all this? Oh no! It’s too horrible.

“No! No Jells. Now that was exactly why I didn’t tell you before. It’s not that.”

Jellie heard the anguish manifest in the voice and hastened to forstall another unpleasant outburst. “Okay! Okay! Don’t shout at me again.” The flush rose rapidly to her cheeks. Her nerves too, were frayed.

“Sorry darling. I just don’t want you getting wrong ideas.”

“All right, so tell me. What’s the problem?” As her heart settled again to a steady rhythm, she rolled onto her back, but stayed within the encircling arms. Beneath the billowing quilt, Mal stroked the soft skin of her thigh as she tried to put into words the injury, the outrage even, her parents would be experiencing.

“It’s the shock of learning that their daughter’s lesbian I guess. I should’ve been more prudent.” Her eyes darkened, troubled by memory. “I didn’t really think it through. I just wanted to share my good news. Deep down I thought they’d already figured it out, although nothing was ever said.”

“Now everybody is unhappy?” She was trying so hard.

“I guess so. Oh, not Gavin. I think he’d be all right. He must’ve known what I was from way back.”

“Will you ever speak to them again?” she asked through a tightened throat. Although so anguished, she still needed to understand everything.

“I don’t know. Much will depend on Dad,” she observed miserably.

“What do you mean?” Her confusion resurfaced, shaking her body. Mal felt the tension and tried to ease it by turning Jellie into her, their breasts soft against each other, her heart beating in a rhythm of comfort. Jellie rested her head.

“Usually mothers handle it better. I think in a way, they’re more tuned into that emotional side of their children, but fathers….? It can come as quite a shock, especially if they’ve pictured their daughter as a little princess who will grow up to marry the handsome prince. I think Mum might come around if he does.”

“What about you, Mal? How do you feel about all this?” The words caught in her throat, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Oh, I’m all right.” But there was an undeniable bitterness to her words.

“I don’t think so.” Despite the reassurance she still felt some reservation. “Will you be able to get over it?” Oh, she must. She watched with a mixture of heartache and admiration. She didn’t think she could be so brave.

“Well Honey, there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t unsay what’s been said.” She stayed silent for a moment. It was too late now to reframe her purpose in life. Anyway, she didn’t want to. Then the dejected tone left her voice, but the sorrow could not yet leave her eyes. “If it comes to that, I don’t want to be hiding you and me behind a pretext that we’re ‘just good friends’. Well, to other people if need be, but not my folks.” She took a deep breath as her face melted into something like expectation. “I’ll just have to hope, given time, they’ll come to see that the sky didn’t fall in and it wasn’t the end of the world.”

Jellie pulled away slightly to face Mal as her top hand reached out to caress her cheek, the light covers slipping from her body. After a moment, Mal slid her hand down her arm and clasped her wrist to turn her hand, palm up. She kissed its centre. “I love you.” The simple words were charged with emotion. Jellie was overcome with commiseration for this precious woman, her heart full to overflowing. She would give her life to take away the hurt that had come to her, but all she could do was express with her eyes, the sympathy that lodged in her heart. Mal read the unspoken words and was uplifted.

“Sometimes this can be the way of it Jells. In our situation, we can find ourselves on the outside of Society or on the outs with our family. That’s why gay friends are so important.” Confidence sharpened her voice as she felt their closeness under the duvet, their thighs touching; their legs entwined. “They can become our surrogate family and we thank them for it. We’re more demonstrative with them … you know hugs and kisses … than perhaps you would find in the Hetero world. They do mean a lot to us,” she confessed with passion.

“In a way, we’re on our own, ‘us against the world’.” A smile twitched the corners of Jellie’s mouth. It did sound rather melodramatic, even to her ears.

With a fraction of an answering smile she replied: “Not as isolated as that Babe, but it’s true … we’re in the straight world, but it isn’t ours. We have a foot in both camps I guess.”

A remnant of memory came to Jellie … that phrase again and light dawned. She snuggled closer, drawing in the warmth of Mal’s body and an inner strength from her words.

“You will learn Jells. There’s a whole culture for you to probe, which is our Community. You can make of it as much, or as little as you want.” She regarded her with a clear, steady gaze: “But it’s there for the taking,” she disclosed with conviction.

“Thank you for not excluding me. I have to learn these things.” With a sudden intensity of feeling she lifted her head to focus her equally intense eyes on Mal and added: “So long as we’re together though, that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?”

“That’s right darling.” Jellie rested her head once more as Mal continued: “Our love has more depths and layers than outsiders can possibly comprehend. When we are united our union is a powerful bond, forged like tempered steel, tensile yet robust and while the love lasts, no-one can separate us.

Jellie felt heartened by these words despite the recent setbacks. The reassurance was like a positive swell of steadfast affinity, more powerful than a tidal wave. She was certain they would come through this. Together they would explore Mal’s world and she would come to make it just as much her own. As a bonus, under Mal’s guidance, she would expand her horizons and learn to appreciate the many beauties Australia had to offer. Together they would build their future and she was confident it would turn out to be a wondrous domain.