Evenings out can represent an active choice to seek out the company of people who share the same interests as yourself, such as salsa dancing, ice skating or a love of meditational things.
Or perhaps you are interested in discovering the new worlds out there and the people who inhabit them? If this wish is in you authentically, you will likely find that it fulfils itself quite serendipitously.
We all share something of a common essence and ultimately this is what we enjoy when we spend time with other people. Whatever it is in you that is aware of these words, dear reader, is also in me, aware of them too …
Sometimes, though, we can underestimate the qualities we bring to the party, and that’s why I’m going to look at what we mean by self-esteem in this chapter. Whatever company you find yourself in, there is a part for you to play whether or not you realise it.
TIP: Visit a public park and take a walk around trying not to influence anyone.
(2 minutes)
It’s quite a funny thing to look in the mirror. People often look in them absentmindedly. ‘That’s me!’ you might say, albeit unconsciously, as you tidy your fringe. But is it true?
Consider bringing a little added presence to your mirror experience by becoming aware of how you interact with your perceived image.
Try these explorative questions:
If there is an opinion that arises in response to what you see, try not to focus on the content of it too much; instead enquire as to who it is that has the opinion.
TIP: Write on your mirror using lipstick, or impermanent ink, a few verses from the love poetry of D. H. Lawrence.
Here’s something I often hear when I’m teaching meditation: ‘I don’t always like what I see, and I find it hard to get past that, let alone be mindful. Help!’
When we’re feeling good, we usually feel that we look good too. Someone once told me that it’s a wise idea to stand in front of the mirror and pay yourself one genuine compliment a day. This works especially well if you’re feeling a bit fed up. But it’s got to be a compliment that you can actually believe – or at least something you could get halfway behind.
(10 minutes)
If you can’t think of something nice to say to your reflection, why not ask a friend? Or ask several of the people you know who care about you to share six things (adjectives, phrases, qualities) that they most enjoy or admire about you. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Everyone flowers differently and we all have something beautiful about us. Note these key words and phrases down in your journal alongside the other inspiring insights you have collected throughout your day.
Notice the quality of your self-talk. Is it filled with self-doubt or put-downs? Self-talk shows up as a kind of internalised running commentary, an interpretation of what’s happening.
The way we interpret things is massively altered by our current state of consciousness. This is ever more apparent if you have ever had a few too many espresso martinis or, as a woman, experienced PMS.
TIP: Still struggling to find a positive slant? Try affirming this mantra: ‘Today I choose to see myself with love.’ And when you say ‘myself’ be sure to mean all of your feelings, interpretations and thoughts.
(10 minutes)
Who we think we are influences our choices and sense of wellbeing. For example, if you see yourself as a successful and dedicated athlete it may then feel natural and easy to by-pass the fast food shop on your way home, because you are very aware that successful athletes ‘just don’t do that sort of thing’.
Exploring your self-image can be very illuminating. You might start with making notes in your journal for ten minutes on questions such as: ‘Who do I take myself for?’ and ‘Does my self-image limit me or empower me now?’
TIP: Read the poem ‘I know the Way You can Get’ by Hafiz (which is totally wow!).
One day I decided that in order to explore myself I would pretend to be someone else for a few hours. And so the ‘Who am I, Am I Bianca Jagger?’ meditation was born.
My friend collected me and together we went to visit to the Saatchi Gallery in London. Before we set out, I decided that I would do all the things I’d normally do that day – but I would do them all as Bianca Jagger, the former actress and human rights advocate. I’d eat like Bianca Jagger, get dressed like Bianca Jagger and meet friends as Bianca Jagger.
And it was great. Nothing much changed in my outward behaviour, but the shift in my self-concept adjusted my approach to life a little. For example, I ate my toast differently. Took a little more care over choosing my outfit. Strode out to the car in my sunnies more confidently. Mooched around the paintings – thrilled that I’d managed to go to the art gallery without getting papped. At some point the novelty wore off and I was back to being me.
Afterwards, I sat in the art gallery and contemplated a new twist on an ancient meditation question:
Who am I?
(Am I Bianca Jagger?)
(An hour or so, time and enthusiasm permitting)
Try your own version of this meditation out for size. Maybe you’ll pick a different person when you follow the imaginative exercise I’ve described above.
The term ‘self-esteem’ is used to describe a person’s overall sense of personal value. Yet this self, around which our perceived worth revolves, changes quite a bit. For example, early on in life we might think of ourselves as a young child, yet as time passes perhaps we begin to change our self-image and see ourselves as being more mature.
What’s more, the sense of self we entertain is often highly influenced by what we believe others think of us, and the changing feedback we’ve received from them over the years.
Having made a few enquiries and gained a clearer view of the self-concept that operates within us, we can, if we like, undertake to nurture ourselves a little and improve our self-esteem.
It can be very worthwhile to do this, and to get to know our character at the same time; yet we shouldn’t get bogged down in this identity alone – we are much more than just our personality.
(7 minutes)
There is a sense of self referred to in many meditative traditions – our presence – that can also be loved and attended to.
It’s difficult to define precisely what that presence is, as it lacks objective qualities. The good news is that we don’t need to define it. We can, however, become increasingly aware of it through meditation. Hurrah!
Here’s a really lovely practice to explore before going out one evening, when you have a little time and enthusiasm.
(3 minutes)
So you have decided to go out for the night. You arrive at a party and you feel out of sorts, full of social jitters. You don’t know what to do with your hands and your arms seem a million miles long.
Take a good look round the room. Nearly everybody there will have felt like you do at some point. So even when you feel awkward and alone, you’re not really – there are other people who feel just like you.
This is a great meditation for these situations. If possible, practise it before a night out or alternatively find a quiet and relatively private spot at the party, and give it a go!
Some of our social woes are exacerbated by our thought processes and our fantasies about what others think of us, as well as our efforts to have them think of us in a certain way. This can be tricky – I mean, who of us here doesn’t want to be liked, honestly? And yet it might be nice to give the other person the freedom to make of us whatever they will, and for us too to enjoy that liberty.
Something to consider: if you are busy talking to yourself it’s tricky to listen to others properly. Be generous and pay attention to the other person, replacing your concern with how you are coming across with a desire to listen.
TIP: Don’t worry if it takes time for you to feel comfortable with this. We all have obstacles to overcome. However, if you find this area particularly bothersome, it might help to explore your feelings with the help of a therapist or a coach.
(10 minutes)
Here’s a lovely meditation to do with friends. It’s so refreshing to sit down and be present with one another, with no intentions or demands.
(This is also a fun meditation to do with a romantic partner.)
(10 minutes)
Sometimes it can feel hard to decide how to spend your precious evenings out, especially if there is a lot on offer! Try this exercise to help you choose in line with happiness.
Begin by identifying the qualities in life that are truly important to you (for example, love, generosity, novelty, connecting, cleanliness, beauty, communication, learning). If you are unsure of the qualities you enjoy most, it can help to look closely at the hobbies, pasttimes, people or films you really love, and then explore what it is exactly you enjoy about these things.