The Four Just Men and the Pie Fight

King Henry was getting rather sick of Anne Boleyn being so perfect. He didn’t know she was a clone, which was why she was able to do everything just perfectly, but he knew he was sick to his back teeth of her being so utterly perfect.

One day he wanted to have fun, and to just do something different, so he said to his Four Just Men, who were standing close by, “Let’s do something different today. Let’s let our hair down.”

His Four Just Men were Peter Pumpernickel, who hated to see food going to waste; Terry Barrels, who loved good beer; Ken Wolf, who always wolfed down his food without pausing for breath; and Ronnie Rumble, who was a bit on the huge side but nimble on his feet.

King Henry’s Four Just Men always stood close to King Henry. They were just his friends whom he liked to have fun with, and on this day he decided it was time for fun. He told Ken Wolf that he wanted to get 2,000 pies and plenty of beer and just have a pie fight.

“Can you go to the baker’s over the road in Orchard Court and get me 2,000 pies?” he said. “We’re going to have a pie fight today.”

Ken rushed across to the baker’s to get the 2,000 pies, but the baker’s was no longer in Orchard Court. The baker had moved to Tintagel, and the Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop was now in its place.

While Ken was wondering what to do next, Cynthia, Tobias and Pulsar came walking along the road, and Ken asked them if they knew where he could get 2,000 pies.

“Well,” said Pulsar, “I think we can help you. We can get you 2,000 pies - don’t worry about that.”

“Oh, thank goodness for that!” said Ken. “I remember now - Hector Spice went to Cornwall, and he opened a shop down in Tintagel called The Cornish Pasty.”

Pulsar went into the Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop and asked Mabble Merlin for 2,000 pies. Mabble Merlin had to send an order through to headquarters to get 2,000 pies, but in a very short time 2,000 pies were beamed down from the headquarters bakery - and they made the best pies ever. The only worry was that King Henry might like the pies so much he wouldn’t want to have the pie fight, but there were enough pies to have a pie fight and also to eat some of them. Mabble Merlin hoped the pie fight would cheer King Henry up, because he felt a bit guilty about cloning his wife and he knew the clone was a bit too perfect for the King’s liking.

Pulsar helped Ken Wolf to take the 2,000 pies back to Hampton Court.

King Henry thought it was great to see so many pies, and Ken Wolf put them all on the large table in the dining room. Peter Pumpernickel also thought they looked good - good enough to eat. He didn’t like to see food going to waste. He was just about to eat one of the pies when King Henry threw one of the pies at him and started the pie fight.

The Four Just Men (Ken Wolf, Peter Pumpernickel, Terry Barrels and Ronnie Rumbles) and King Henry were soon having a great time, throwing the pies at one another. They threw pies for hours and hours.

Anne Boleyn looked in, and the dining room by that time was such a mess. There were pies everywhere. But she just said, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I will have to clean all this up later.”

King Henry told the Four Just Men that Anne Boleyn was too perfect and that she stayed up all night writing, and when he got up in the morning she was still writing. He said she was so perfect that it was really getting on his nerves.

“She’s so perfect; she’s too perfect. She’s like a clone,” King Henry shouted as he threw another pie. The very thought put him in a temper.

Little did he know that Anne Boleyn really was a clone.

Peter Pumpernickel was feeling a bit sick of all the food going to waste, so he decided to lie on the floor and pretend he was too tired to keep throwing pies. Actually every time a pie fell on him he scoffed it, and it was very delicious. Peter had never tasted pies like that before. They were so different! He couldn’t stop scoffing them whenever King Henry’s back was turned.

“Come on! Get up, Peter, and join in,” shouted King Henry, but Peter pretended to be too tired and he continued to scoff the pies behind the others’ backs. Sometimes one half of the pie was chicken and one half was rhubarb.

‘A delicious sweet and savoury pie!’ he thought.

After the pie fight the room was an absolute mess. All the pies were squashed and broken, and the men were covered with splattered pies. By this time they were all so tired, and they all fell asleep on the dining-room floor.

Queen Anne Boleyn’s clone came in with one of her ladies-in-waiting, who was named Beth Silks, and they picked all of the pies up off the floor and cleaned the room and carried the Four Just Men and King Henry up to their rooms and put them to bed.