| |
THE BUTTERFLIES WERE back in Jerrell’s stomach when he went to meet Rafi at the restaurant they’d agreed on, and he ended up getting there almost ten minutes early. He picked what he wanted on the menu, and then, still with time to kill, started reading over the last text conversation he’d had with Rafi.
Rafi hadn’t asked to see Jerrell at the cafe again, explaining that he hadn’t wanted to overstep in Jerrell’s workplace, but their texting had gone from a few sentences back and forth to full-out paragraphs. As they’d covered a plethora of topics, they’d also gotten more personal. Rafi had revealed that he’d been engaged, for instance. Only for a few months and over a year ago; it had been a not-quite-arranged-marriage, heavily encouraged by his family what with him being older and still unattached. He’d broken it off after realizing he couldn’t go through with marrying her.
We got along well, Rafi had written, and I would have tried to make her happy, but in the end I know it would have just built resentment between us. I’d like to get married someday, but on my own terms, with someone I love completely and who, in turn, accepted and understood all of me. I was done trying to live with a lie.
I know the feeling, a little bit, Jerrell had replied. Going out with people to try and live up to what society expects you to be. He’d sent a picture of his tattoo too. Rafi had yet to see it, since he’d only ever seen Jerrell in long sleeves. He’d explained what it meant to him.
Rafi had responded with a simple, It’s beautiful.
Jerrell might have worn short sleeves under his zip-up, in case Rafi wanted to see it in person.
***
DINNER WAS GOOD FOOD, more talking, and lots of laughter. They each still had plenty to say even with having texted almost non-stop since Monday.
They lingered over dessert–cheesecake, because Rafi really did like it a lot—though they both agreed that the cafe’s was better. But they also both had early mornings, and so kept a better eye on the time than they had last Saturday.
It was still almost nine by the time Jerrell was walking Rafi to his car. It was way past his bedtime, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d gladly trade a little sleep for more time with Rafi.
“Oh,” he said as they stopped in front of the BMW. He’d just remembered about his tattoo. “I wanted to show you something.”
Rafi looked up at him, hair haloed by the lights in the parking lot. “Yes?”
Jerrell unzipped his hoodie and pulled out his arm, before pushing his left sleeve up to his shoulder. He crouched down in front of Rafi to give him a better view, so he wasn’t craning his neck up.
“Oh,” Rafi breathed. His hand came up, but then he jerked it away, setting it back down in his lap.
“You can touch if you want,” Jerrell offered.
“May I?” Rafi asked, licking his lips.
“Yeah.”
Rafi brought his hand up again, carefully letting his fingertips rest on the top part of the inked flagpole. They stroked down and across, tracing each colorful line. “It really is beautiful,” he murmured.
Jerrell’s breath caught. It was strangely intimate, being in the half-lit parking lot with Rafi brushing his fingers against his skin. “Thank you.”
Rafi tilted his head back up, looking up at Jerrell under a sweep of lashes, hand still warm on Jerrell’s arm. “May I kiss you?”
“Please,” Jerrell managed, not wanting anything more.
It took a second for them to figure out the angle, with Rafi sitting down and Jerrell so tall, but after they did it was–
Rafi’s fingers trailed down Jerrell’s arm until they reached his hand, lacing their fingers together, other hand coming up to cup Jerrell’s face, and Jerrell just closed his eyes and drank him in. Gladly took what he was being given.
Jerrell’s breathing was shaky when they finally parted, but Rafi looked affected too, pupils blown in the dim lighting of the parking lot. He watched Rafi swallow, almost as if he was getting his bearings, then smile up at him.
Jerrell had to smile back before he shivered a little in the night air.
Rafi tugged at the zip-up. “Let’s put this back on. You’re cold.” Jerrell obligingly stood up to shrug back into it and tug up the zipper, Rafi’s eyes following the movement.
“It’s late. And I know you have to get up early tomorrow,” Rafi said.
“Yeah,” Jerrell said before admitting, “I just don’t want to say goodnight yet.”
“Me neither.”
They stared at each other, and then Jerrell was bending down again to catch Rafi’s mouth in another kiss. “I’ll text you,” he said when he pulled away. “Yeah?”
“Please,” Rafi said at once. “Anytime.”
Jerrell nodded. “I’ll see you later. Safe drive home, okay?”
Rafi caught Jerrell’s hand again, bringing it up to his lips before letting go. “Have a good night.”
“You too,” Jerrell said. Then he forced himself to turn and walk away.
***
LATER, AT HOME IN BED, Jerrell spent a long time awake and running through his thoughts, and he came to a decision.
Yeah, okay, he was Rafi’s test-run. But if nothing else, Rafi deserved the best experience Jerrell could give him. A good first experience all around. Jerrell would have wanted one, if he’d been given the opportunity. Rafi deserved to feel special and wanted and... all the things Jerrell already felt for him.
Rafi was attracted to him. He’d said so himself. And while he’d been unique in that he hadn’t said anything else, well, it was clear he’d enjoyed the kissing. It only made sense for Jerrell to offer him more.
He knew he could make it good for Rafi. He wanted to.
He also... he also got the feeling that sex with Rafi would be, god, would be so nice. Rafi was careful and gentle. He asked permission to touch. He treated Jerrell like everything he offered was a gift, as opposed to something to be taken freely.
It was probably selfish of him, thinking about how Rafi would treat him, instead of what Jerrell could do for Rafi, but he couldn’t help it. Besides, that’s what a real relationship was, right? A give and take. People working together toward the best outcome for both of them.
Collaboration.
Jerrell rolled over and grabbed his phone from where it was charging on his nightstand. He squinted at the sudden light, then tapped out a message to Rafi. Would you like to come over sometime this weekend? I’m free Saturday and Sunday after one. It was another seven-day work week, but that was to get him back into having Mondays and Wednesdays off. He didn’t mind, especially as he wasn’t doing all the baking himself this time. Maybe we could make something together at my place. Rafi had expressed an interest in how food was made, and had admitted that he didn’t know his way around a kitchen at all. It would be a good way to break the ice.
He was almost asleep when his phone buzzed. He groped for it.
Rafi: I’d love to. Saturday? The sooner I see you, the better :)
Followed immediately by:
Rafi: But we can hash out the details tomorrow. Please sleep!
Jerrel couldn’t help his fond smile. He set his phone back down and closed his eyes.
***
IT FELT LIKE A BLINK before his alarm went off Friday morning. Jerrell dragged himself up and set about getting ready for the day. He was definitely looking forward to his nap when he got off work. Because ugh.
He got to the cafe and tied on his apron, washed his hands, and went to pull butter and eggs out of the fridge. Mary came in just moments later and gave him a once-over. “Late night?” she asked, tone teasing. She knew that yesterday had been his date with Rafi.
Mary and Melody were both a little too invested in him and Rafi, Jerrell thought. He hoped they wouldn’t be too upset when Rafi called it off. Especially since Jerrell would be feeling pretty damn bad himself. He’d already spent some time trying to figure out how he’d tell them without making Rafi out to be the bad guy. Jerrell really didn’t want Rafi to stop coming to the cafe. He sort of hoped they’d be able to stay friendly, once it was all over. Though maybe Rafi might not want that, once he moved on to dating people for real.
“That question sure got your head drifting,” Mary said with a grin.
“Dinner ran kinda late,” Jerrell said. He certainly wasn’t going to tell Mary about the long minutes he and Rafi had spent kissing in the parking lot.
“Had a nice time?”
“Yeah. Yeah, real nice.”
She nodded, satisfied. “Good.”
***
AFTER WORK, JERRELL went home, ate, then very happily crawled into bed for a couple of hours. Upon getting up, he went to survey his apartment. He wanted to get it ready for Rafi.
It was a nice enough place. A fair-sized one bedroom that Jerrell had primarily chosen because he’d liked the kitchen. He kept it pretty neat, but things did sometimes stack up on his kitchen table or end up on the floor.
He spent some time doing basic cleaning, picking stuff up, putting away his shoes so they weren’t in a giant pile right in front of the front door. Rafi had said that he did tend to leave his chair in favor of walking when he was at home, but Jerrell had no idea if that extended to visiting other people’s places. He figured it was better to be safe than sorry. They’d be spending a lot of time in the kitchen making the chocolate caramel cupcakes Jerrell planned to bake, so Jerrell made sure to push his floating counter back against the wall so there’d be plenty of room for Rafi to move around.
Once he was satisfied with the kitchen and living room, Jerrell moved to his bedroom. He was planning on them spending time there too, depending on what Rafi wanted, so he wanted it presentable.
When he couldn’t find anything else to adjust or put away, he made a grocery list, both to prepare for baking and to get general stuff for the coming week. Keeping himself busy.
He tucked the list in a pocket, grabbed a jacket, put on his shoes, and left his apartment.
***
“SO THIS IS ME,” JERRELL said Saturday afternoon as he led Rafi into his place. He’d gone down to meet him and show him the way up. “Welcome.”
“Thank you.”
“Want a tour?”
Rafi grinned. “I’d love one. Just a moment.” He twisted in his chair to grab the bag hanging from the back, and opened it to pull out what looked like a collapsible cane. A few clicks revealed that it was exactly that. Rafi leaned it against the wall and then asked, “Shoes off?”
“Oh,” Jerrell said. “It’s okay to leave ‘em on, if it’s easier for you.”
“It’s alright. I don’t mind.” Rafi was wearing jeans and another sweater, and his shoes were bright white sneakers. He unlaced them and set them next to Jerrell’s much more beat up Nikes. Then he reached for the cane again and stood up.
It was a little startling to have Rafi stand, after only ever seeing him sitting down. Rafi was still shorter than him by a few inches, but him standing versus sitting meant that they were suddenly a lot closer. “Wow,” he said licking his lips. “Um.”
Another grin, Rafi’s playful one. “Wow?”
They met for a quick kiss, but Jerrell didn’t want to keep Rafi standing in the foyer. He reached for Rafi’s free hand, and Rafi was quick to link their fingers together. Jerrell gave him a happy smile. “C’mon, I’ll show you around.”
He saved the kitchen for last, circling back to it after pointing out the bathroom, his living room/dining room area, and the door that led to his bedroom. Rafi took in the counter, already set with Jerrell’s food scale and stand mixer, and the butter and eggs Jerrell had left out so that they’d warm to room temperature. “You’re very prepared I see.”
Jerrell grinned at him. “Well, it’s kinda my thing.”
Rafi nodded, giving Jerrell’s hand a squeeze. “I’m looking forward to being with you in your element.”
Jerrell tucked away how happy that made him. “Looking forward to sharing it.” He let go of Rafi’s hand to grab two aprons off the hook where he kept his collection. Family and friends tended to get him them as a good go-to souvenir or present. He held one out to Rafi, cheeks going hot when he realized he’d grabbed the navy one emblazoned with I cook as good as I look that had been a gag Christmas gift a couple years ago. Rafi gave it an amused glance before slipping it over his head.
Jerrell put his own apron on, a bright yellow thing covered in French words and pictures of pastries, before opening his cupboards to start pulling out bowls and the rest of the ingredients.
“Have you ever been to France?” Rafi asked, leaning against the counter to watch him. It was frankly unfair how good he looked in the apron.
Jerrell shook his head. “Not yet. I want to go, though. I think it’d be really cool to take some pastry classes there. Or just tour around and eat all the food. Or both.”
“Sounds like a marvelous way to spend a vacation.”
“Yeah.” It was something he was saving up for, but, “I don’t love traveling alone though, so I’ve sort of put it off, over the years.”
“That’s a shame.”
“It’s okay. I’ll find someone who wants to go with me eventually.” As he said it, he wished he could take it back. It sounded too wistful.
Rafi blinked. “You’ve had trouble finding someone to go with you to a beautiful country to further explore your passion and share that time together?”
Jerrell shifted uncomfortably, not sure what to do Rafi’s surprise. As though Jerrell was a catch. “Uh, well, you know.” He shrugged, “It’s not for everyone.”
Rafi opened his mouth, then closed it again, frowning. “I’m sorry,” he said after a second. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t,” Jerrell assured him. “But anyway, you want to know what we’re making?”
“Oh, yes! Of course.”
It was a lot of fun, baking with Rafi. Jerrell wasn’t used to talking much while he worked, but Rafi asked questions about why things were done a certain way, and it was kind of neat being able to explain and be sort of an authority for something.
Soon enough the batter for the cupcakes was finished. Jerrell brought the cupcake mold over to his floating counter so that Rafi, who had needed to take a break and sit down, could attempt to fill them while seated. They both laughed over the spills.
“You’ll get it eventually.” Jerrell grinned as he took over at Rafi’s insistence.
Rafi huffed, amused. “You’ll help me practice, yes?”
Jerrell turned away to slide the mold into the oven, trying to sound flippant when he said, “Sure. As long as you want to.”
By the time he turned back around, he was able to smile again. He wanted to enjoy the time he had with Rafi while he had it, not spend it moping. “Here.” He handed Rafi the batter-covered spatula. “Second best part about baking.”
Rafi eagerly took it. “What’s the first best? Raw batter is very good.”
“Yeah well, wait til you’ve had the fully assembled cupcake. My caramel is no joke.”
“Is that what’s next?” Rafi asked in between licks of the spatula.
Jerrell tried not to get distracted by his tongue. “Yep. More science.”
Rafi grinned. “It’s delicious science. I can’t wait.”
Jerrell grinned back. “Good to hear, since you’re today’s taste-tester.”
“The best job I’m suited for in the kitchen, really.”
Jerrell chuckled and went about showing Rafi how he made his go-to caramel sauce that he was going to use as a filling and finishing drizzle. Since the sauce was mostly a lot of standing and stirring, Rafi settled back into the chair and contributed by being entertaining. And, of course, happily trying whatever Jerrell handed over.
When the sauce was done and set aside to cool, Jerrell began cleaning up his station and tools. Rafi stood back up and insisted on helping, so Jerrell had him clean the whisks and the bowl for the standing mixer. “We’ll make the frosting once the cupcakes are out of the oven and cooling,” Jerrell explained when Rafi asked why they weren’t making it now. “It frosts best fresh, and you don’t want to frost a hot cake. Trust me.”
Rafi gave him a wry smile. “That particular lesson I’ve actually learned from experience.”
“Oh yeah? That sounds like a story.”
So Rafi started telling him about when he was a resident and wanting to make something for the staff at the hospital he was working at. “I could have just bought something, and honestly, that would have been the smarter choice. But residents pretty much spend their lives running on fumes, and in my sleep-deprivation I decided I need to make everything from scratch.”
Jerrell was overtaken by amused horror by the time Rafi got to the part where he had a semi-cooled cake soaking up melted frosting. “Oh man, that sucks. And must’ve been super frustrating.”
“It was.” Rafi shook his head. “There was no saving it. I had to throw it all out. Brought in store-bought in the end after all.”
“Aw, I’m sure they appreciated it either way.”
Rafi chuckled. “It was edible and chocolate-flavored, so yes, it did get a good reception.”
The timer went off then, so Jerrell turned to check on the cakes, taking them out of the oven when he found them ready.
“And now we wait for them to cool?” Rafi asked.
“Almost. One last step.” Jerrell held up his wire rack. “We just wait a few minutes, and then I transfer them to this to cool the rest of the way. Leaving them to cool in a hot pan increases the possibility of them continuing to cook, which can dry them out.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah. It’s an extra step, but pretty worth it.” Jerrell set the rack down on the counter. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling fine, thank you for asking.” Rafi smiled at him. “And thank you for inviting me over. I’ve really been enjoying myself.”
Jerrell matched his smile. “I’m glad you came. Oh, uh–” He took off his apron and hung it up, then held his hand out for Rafi’s. “I can put the apron away. We won’t need ‘em for a while.”
Rafi untied his apron and handed it over to be hung up, then he stood to watch Jerrell shake the cupcakes out of the tin and place them on the wire cooling rack. “And we’re done,” Jerrell said, washing his hands. “Now we wait. Do you maybe want to move to the living room?”
“Sure.”
Once they were seated, tucked up close next to each other, hands linked again, Jerrell took a breath. “Hey, um.” He glanced down at their joined hands, then back up into Rafi’s eyes. “I’ve got a suggestion on how to pass the time.”
