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“YOU CAN TOUCH MORE,” Jerrell panted in between kisses, thrilling a little at how Rafi’s grip tightened on his shoulders but otherwise didn’t move from where they rested. “If you want.”
Rafi gazed up at him with wide, dark eyes. “Not even a question,” he said, voice breathless, immediately stroking one hand down Jerrell’s arm before letting it drift to his waist.
Jerrell closed his eyes for just a moment before pushing closer again, Rafi meeting him halfway. As if he’d been waiting for permission–and it seemed as though he had been, because Rafi’s touches became bolder, hands roaming back up and down Jerrell’s arms, over his back. Pulling him in. Jerrell went easily, happy to let Rafi take the lead.
Kissing Rafi was addicting. Jerrell would have been more than content to spend hours like this, them kissing on his couch, moving together in a way that felt unreal. He was tempted to. Tempted to just let himself have this and not go farther yet. Maybe leave Rafi wanting more for today.
He could. Could pull away and say that they should probably get back to the cupcakes. Make some teasing remark about how they shouldn’t let their work go to waste. He knew Rafi wouldn’t push to continue.
But Rafi could also choose to move on at any time. Jerrell was his experiment. Rafi could decide tomorrow that he was happy with what he’d gotten out of things. Could decide that he wanted to enter the dating scene for real.
Jerrell wanted him so much. And, at least right now, Rafi wanted him back.
“Rafi?”
“Mm.” Rafi’s expression was soft and hazy. He looked so, so beautiful. “Yes?”
Jerrell darted in to kiss him again. “Come to bed with me?”
Rafi gave him a startled look, and for one heart-stopping moment Jerrell thought he had made a mistake. Moved too fast. Suggested something Rafi wasn’t interested in.
Then Rafi smiled. “I’d love to,” he murmured against Jerrell’s lips.
***
THEY WALKED HAND-IN-hand to the bedroom, and when they got to the bed, Rafi went straight for it, taking a seat and reaching for Jerrell, pulling him down next to him. He grinned and cupped Jerrell’s cheek in one hand before leaning in to kiss him, slow and deep, other hand carefully skirting around the bottom hem of Jerrell’s Henley. His fingers dipped underneath the cloth to brush Jerrell’s skin, making a questioning sound as he did so. Is this okay?
“I’ll do you one better,” Jerrell said, breathless and giddy. He shifted away just enough to pull his shirt over his head and drop it to the floor.
Rafi looked nothing but appreciative as he brought his hands up to stroke over Jerrell’s bare chest. “Gorgeous,” he murmured before ducking down to mouth at Jerrell’s neck.
Jerrell shuddered against him, arms coming up to circle Rafi’s back, and it was only natural to lean back until they both ended up horizontal on the bed, legs hanging over the side but–
Rafi hissed, a clear sound of pain, and Jerrell froze. “What? What’s wrong?”
Rafi pushed himself until he was a little more upright. “It’s alright,” he said sounding strained. “The change in position jarred my hips.”
“Okay.” Jerrell tried not to panic. “Okay. Do you need anything?”
Rafi shook his head. “It’ll be fine. It’ll pass.” He moved until he was kneeling on the bed, wincing the whole time.
“I–we can stop–it’s okay–”
“Jerrell, I’m fine.” Rafi gave him a wry smile. “If I let my pain stop me every time it made itself known, I’d never do anything at all. It’s okay, really. Besides–” and the smile turned wicked “–you are an incredibly pleasant distraction from it.”
“Um. Okay.” Jerrell didn’t want to argue. It was Rafi’s prerogative to decide what he could handle. “Is.... you said the position bothered you. We can move? Would that... help?”
Rafi nodded thoughtfully. “Lying down is more comfortable for me, because I don’t have to work as hard to support myself.”
“Yes,” Jerrell said immediately. “Yes, yeah. Okay. Lie down?”
Rafi did so, lying on his back, body stretched out on Jerrell’s bed. “Join me?”
Jerrell was careful lying down next to Rafi, rolling over onto his side to get closer to him. He was still feeling a little rattled though, unsure of what to do next. The last thing he wanted was to cause Rafi pain.
Rafi rolled his eyes, expression fond. “I’m not going to break.”
“R-right. Yeah.”
Rafi wrapped his fingers around Jerrell’s wrist and tugged. “Kiss me?”
And if Rafi was asking to continue, if he really was fine, Jerrell wasn’t going to deny him.
***
“THESE ARE AMAZING,” Rafi enthused after trying one of the completed cupcakes. They’d made it back to the kitchen eventually, to finish them up. Rafi had thrown on Jerrell’s hoodie and was swimming in it. Jerrell sort of wished he was brave enough to ask for a picture. “I’d ask for the recipe, but I’d be entirely useless in making them on my own.”
“You weren’t that bad,” Jerrell said, leaning against the counter with his own cupcake. “You did like half the work today.”
“I watched you put everything together,” Rafi replied before taking another bite of cupcake.
“And taste-tasted. That’s an important part.”
Rafi chuckled. “I’m happy to continue volunteering my services for as long as you’ll have me.”
Jerrell tried to squash the happy flip-flop his stomach made at that comment. “I’ll keep that in mind, for sure.”
They ended up ordering food in, too, after almost another hour together, and ate it curled up next to each other on the couch while watching Life of Pi, at Rafi’s suggestion. More cupcakes were had for dessert, and then it was late enough that Jerrell had to start thinking about bed, since Sunday was a work day for him.
“I’d ask you to stay the night,” he said. “But I’m getting up before four and you don’t need that on a weekend.”
“I don’t think I’d mind,” Rafi replied. “Since it’d still be waking up next to you. But I can’t tonight anyway. I take medications at night and in the morning, and I’d need those. Maybe we can plan for next time?”
“Yeah.” Jerrell smiled. For right now, he was still wanted. He’d take it. “Next time.”
***
SUNDAY WAS GOOD. JERRELL woke up with a lot of pleasant memories of the day before, and work was the usual busy that let him sink into a haze of concentration. He had Monday off, too, and he thought a lot about asking if Rafi wanted to spend some more time together that didn’t involve a ridiculously early wake-up call the next day.
He didn’t have the usual texts from Rafi when he got off work, but he’d settled a little more comfortably in being the one to text first. Sent, Off work! How has your day been going? and then headed home to grab his gym stuff.
Rafi hadn’t replied by the time Jerrell got to his place, but he shrugged it off. Changed and went out again.
He always turned off notifications on his phone while he worked out, the same as when he did at the cafe, in order to lessen the chance of being distracted. But when he was done and he checked his phone for messages... there still wasn’t anything from Rafi.
Jerrell got home. Took a shower. Still nothing.
Was it okay to send another message? Should he just leave it? Let Rafi contact him when he wanted to? He hoped Rafi was okay. He usually was pretty prompt when it came to replying to texts.
Jerrell: Hey, hoping you’re having a good Sunday!
There. That was okay, right? Didn’t sound pushy. Just... putting it out there. That Jerrell was around.
***
JERRELL GOT READY FOR bed still not having heard from Rafi at all.
After two weeks of near non-stop texting back and forth, it was jarring to lack it. The last one Jerrell had from Rafi was from Saturday evening, letting him know that Rafi had gotten home safely and wishing him a goodnight.
He didn’t understand. He thought that Saturday had gone really well. From the cupcakes to what happened after to back to the cupcakes, Rafi had seemed happy. Satisfied. Jerrell had... had thought that Rafi’d enjoyed himself.
But maybe... maybe that had been what Rafi had wanted, after all.
It had happened before. Guys angling for sex, building up to it, then making it clear once it was over that they didn’t need him anymore. Didn’t need him for anything else. He’d gotten pretty good at picking up on those signs though.
Had thought Rafi might be different.
But that was just him being stupid, wasn’t it? He’d known from almost the get-go that he was simply a trial run. Rafi had been honest about it. It had been refreshing, if a let-down. And he hadn’t even pushed for anything–Jerrell had been the one to offer it up.
He just...
He just thought maybe, this time, he’d warrant a goodbye. Something. Anything. Over being ghosted.
He couldn’t regret it. Rafi had had a good time. Jerrell had too.
And now he had memories of what it could feel like. Being treated like a person worth loving.
Jerrell went to bed.
***
MONDAY WAS HARD. HE slept in as late as he could manage. Went to the gym. Ran errands and did food prep for the week. Went to the VA, which further exhausted him. Thought about what he’d tell Mary and Melody, when they inevitably asked for updates. Decided to just say that it was a simple, mutual decision and leave it at that. He wasn’t going to throw Rafi under the bus. If he even came back to the cafe.
Jerrell kept checking his phone though. He couldn’t help it. By Monday afternoon he was so sick of himself that he just turned his phone off. It was less disappointing that way, that it wasn’t alerting him of a message. He managed to pass the time until it was reasonable, if a touch early, to get ready for bed, and did so with his phone still off. His wristwatch alarm was what woke him up in the mornings anyway, so it wasn’t as though he was really missing anything, being unplugged for a little while longer.
***
UP TUESDAY, AND JERRELL went to work. His phone stayed off as per usual during a workday, so that wasn’t even an issue. Mary asked how his day off had gone and he answered something non-committal. Kept his head down and did his job.
Around eleven, Melody poked her head into the kitchen. “Jerrell, visitor for you.” Jerrell looked up, confused. She grinned at him. “He’s been good about not interrupting you at work, so I’ll let it slide this time.”
“Rafi’s here?”
Melody rolled her eyes. “Lord. No, it’s Saint Nick. Go say hi to your boyfriend.”
He’s not my boyfriend. “I–yeah.” Jerrell put down his piping bag. “Okay.”
Rafi was at his usual front corner table. Jerrell approached with some trepidation. He hadn’t been expecting to see Rafi again. Had figured if Rafi would be coming back to the cafe, he certainly wouldn’t be asking to talk to Jerrell.
He licked his lips, nervous. “Hi?”
Rafi smiled at him. Which–it wasn’t fair, that it still made Jerrell’s stomach flip flop. “Good morning. I’m sorry to bother you at work. I just wanted to apologize.”
Oh. Jerrell’s heart sank. Here it was. Guess he was getting a goodbye after all. While at work. Unable to do anything after except try to smile and go back to the kitchen. Part of him was mad about it. Rafi couldn’t have done this yesterday when he was at least off? Jerrell had thought better of him. “It’s okay,” he said shortly. “I get it.”
Rafi frowned, clearly confused. Maybe from Jerrell’s tone? Was he expecting Jerrell to be completely unaffected? “It isn’t, that I disappeared off the face of the map. I wanted to explain in person. I... wasn’t sure if you’d gotten my text last night. So I wanted to do it sooner over later.”
Rafi had texted him? Oh no, had he tried to text him the news while Jerrell’s phone had been off? If Jerrell hadn’t responded, maybe that’s why Rafi felt the need to talk to him now. Get it wrapped up and out of the way. “It’s really fine,” Jerrell said, now more tired than anything. “You were clear enough, at the beginning, that this would be how things would go.”
Rafi blinked, then narrowed his eyes, searching Jerrell’s face. “Jerrell, what do you think I’m here for?”
Jerrell shifted, uncomfortable. “To... to break up with me?”
Now Rafi’s eyes widened, and he actually reared back. “I–you think I–and while you’re working?”
Jerrell shrugged, gaze on the floor.
“No,” Rafi said quietly. “No, that’s–that’s not it at all.” Jerrell picked up his head to stare incredulously at Rafi, who was watching him, expression unreadable. “But maybe this is part of a conversation we should be having at another time. When you aren’t at work.”
“Um. Okay.”
“Can I see you when I’m done at my practice for the day?” Rafi asked. “Any time after six. Wherever you’re like to go.”
“Is my place okay?” It was a safe space. And it would mean that whatever he and Rafi talked about, they wouldn’t be in public.
Rafi nodded. “Of course. Six-thirty? I can go over as soon as I’m done.”
“Alright.”
Rafi opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Six-thirty,” he said at last. “I’ll see you then.”
“Is everything okay?” Melody asked, coming over to them. Her voice was bright, but Jerrell could see the hint of malic. Aimed at Rafi.
“Everything’s fine,” Jerrell said quickly, hoping to nip that in the bud. Especially now that... what? Rafi wasn’t breaking up with him? Not right now? He hadn’t been ambushing Jerrell at work, at the very least. “I–we were just making plans to meet after work.”
“And speaking of work, I won’t keep him any longer,” Rafi said. He gave Jerrell a significant look. “There was just something I had to tell him.”
Jerrell made it back to the kitchen dizzy with possibilities about what Rafi could have meant.
And what it was that he really wanted to say.
