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WHEN JERRELL GOT BACK to the kitchen and Mary’s curious glance, he made a beeline for his bag and pulled out his phone, turning it on.
There was a message from Rafi, sent Monday night around seven. I'm really sorry if I've been dark. I broke my phone Sunday morning and I just got it back.
Oh, fuck.
And then Jerrell hadn’t replied. Worse, he’d assumed. Assumed that Rafi was acting like the others. Assumed that Rafi, a total sweetheart of a man, would come to Jerrell’s workplace to break up with him while he was trapped.
Well. Jerrell had certainly shown his own hand. His own insecurities. Rafi might not have been planning to break up with Jerrell before, but after this? Jerrell almost wanted him to. He wasn’t good enough for someone like Rafi. Something he’d just made perfectly clear.
“Jerrell, honey?” Mary asked. “Everything okay?”
Jerrell loosened his grip on his phone and slid it back into his bag. “Yeah, sorry. Fine.”
***
WHEN JERRELL GOT HOME, he grabbed stuff for the gym and went right back out again, planning for a distraction. Pushed himself hard, and by the time he was done, he was very ready for a shower and a nap.
He spent the time after that straightening his place up, since Monday had mostly been spent moping, which didn’t lend to being very neat. When he had nothing left to do, he sat down to the world of YouTube and the Baking is Tasty Science channel he’d discovered a few weeks ago, to lose himself to something he could actually concentrate on.
He scrambled to answer when his intercom buzzed, and ended up waiting awkwardly in his foyer until there was a knock on his door.
“Good evening,” Rafi said when Jerrell didn’t-quite yank his door open. Rafi was still wearing his suit and really must have come straight from work. That didn’t make Jerrell feel any better.
“Come on in,” Jerrell said around a dry throat. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Some water please,” Rafi said as he bent to take off his shoes. “May I go into the living room?”
“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”
“Thank you.”
Jerrell went to fill two cups with water. No playful smiles, just even, measured tones. Like Rafi was being careful. But about what?
Rafi had left his chair in the foyer like–like he had on Saturday. He was sitting on one end of the couch, leaving Jerrell plenty of space. His cane was leaning against the couch arm.
Jerrell handed him a glass and took a seat on the other side of the couch. Giving Rafi space too.
“I’m sorry,” he burst out, unable to keep it in anymore. “For... for...” He closed his eyes. “I turned my phone off Monday night, and only got your message this afternoon. When you told me you’d sent it.”
“You assumed I didn’t want to see you anymore.” Rafi said quietly. Not a question, stating a fact. “When I wasn’t in communication on Sunday or Monday.”
Jerrell looked away. “I’m sorry. I... if nothing else, I should’ve known better than to think you’d do that to me while I was at work. I know you would never. I’m sorry.”
Rafi nodded. “It wasn’t a good feeling, the idea that you’d think that of me.”
Fuck. “I know. I know, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair. I guess I...” he stopped.
“What?” Rafi asked after a moment had passed.
Jerrell took a breath. “I’d, you know. I’d been waiting for it. So when I didn’t hear from you after Saturday, I guess that’s where my mind went.”
“You said something like that in the cafe too. How I was clear, when we started seeing each other, about how things would be going.” Rafi frowned. “And whatever that means... you were expecting me to want to stop seeing you. Sooner, over later.”
“Well, yeah.” It hurt having to say it out loud. “Of course.”
The frown deepened. “Why ‘of course?’ I...” and now hesitancy, “I thought we were getting along well. I’ve really been enjoying my time with you. I thought I’d been making that clear.”
Jerrell tried to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, and I’m really glad. I wanted your dry run to be a good experience. I’m happy I was able to do that for you.” Until I ruined it.
“Dry run?” Rafi asked incredulously. “What are you talking about?”
“Me you know...” Jerrell gestured helplessly. “Being your first date with a guy.”
A sharp pause, and then Rafi said in disbelief, “You thought you were my experiment?”
“I–yeah?”
“And you went out with me anyway?”
Jerrell looked away. “I thought I could at least pretend,” he managed. “That I was someone you really wanted to be with. I figured, if I could give you a good first experience, it wouldn’t be too selfish of me.”
There was no response. When Jerrell cautiously looked back, it was to find Rafi staring at him, expression completely distraught. “I’m sorry,” Jerrell rushed to say. “I didn’t mean to ruin it.”
Rafi quickly shook his head. “You didn’t ruin anything. I’m glad we’re talking about this. Because clearly it was something we needed to talk about and I didn’t even know it.” He raked a hand through his hair before meeting Jerrell’s eyes. “I asked you out because I thought you were attractive and endearing. I’d dealt with my own struggles and felt I was ready to date who I wanted to, and you were someone I wanted to take that chance on. And after dinner went so well, I wanted to keep taking that chance.”
He blew out a breath. “I thought telling you that you were my first real date was opening up on my end. Being honest with you about how much I liked you, even after just a few days. I didn’t think you’d think I was using you. Why would you let me–why would you let me?”
Jerrell swallowed, unsure what to say. He felt like he should be apologizing. Rafi looked so upset. But it was almost as if he was mad at himself, not Jerrell. “It’s not your fault,” he tried.
Rafi glared furiously at the couch cushions. “Yes, please explain how making a wonderful man think he was worth nothing more than a fling isn’t my fault.”
“Because I never have been worth more than a fling,” Jerrell said in a rush. When Rafi looked up at him, eyes wide and startled, Jerrell continued, “People, um. People expect me to be a certain way. Because I look the way I do. Most guys want me to be... tough. Um. More–more dominant than I am. And they lose interest when I’m not. Or they’re just out for sex anyway, so it doesn’t matter as much that I’m quiet. A lot of my past partners weren’t–they didn’t–” He twisted his fingers together. “But I should’ve known better. I should’ve known you weren’t like that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, you were just so great. I couldn’t... it didn’t make sense...”
“That I’d really want you?” Rafi asked, quietly now.
Jerrell nodded.
An awkward silence settled. Jerrell didn’t have it in him to be the one to break it.
At last, Rafi sighed. “I still feel as though I’ve made a mess of things. All this time I thought we were getting along so well, and we weren’t talking to each other properly. Which made you feel badly. That is my fault, even if I had no intention of it.”
“It wasn’t–”
“It wasn’t what?”
Jerrell bit his lip. “It wasn’t bad. At all. Being with you. I–I never lied about that. I wouldn’t have. I like you a lot. I enjoy spending time with you. I... knowing you really meant it... it just makes things better in hindsight.”
“I meant all of it. I know it hasn’t been that long yet but I want to keep meaning it.” Rafi smiled tentatively. “I’m glad this happened now. That we’re talking about this. And that I know now, more of what to be aware of. You aren’t an experiment. You’re a person I want to know and have in my life. I–If you’d still like to see me... Could we try again?”
Jerrell squashed the urge to ask really? He needed to try really hard not to doubt. Rafi had done nothing to deserve doubt. It was just Jerrell projecting his past experiences, and–
And neither of them deserved that.
He smiled back, small but real. “I’d love to.”
