FRIDAY JUNE 21
GRAND HOTEL
ST. LOUIS, 11:25 PM
What can I say? we KILLED IT.
first of all, I have never seen that many people all in the same place at the same time before. well maybe I have but it was really scary. our dressing room had a window out into the parking lot, and there was seriously a traffic jam as far as you could see, winding away from the stadium. the parking lot was filling up section by section and streams of people were forming these thick lines leading out from the stadium deep into the lot.
anyway, it was 10 minutes to eight before I knew it. I could hear what’s-her-name from Nice ’n Easy going into her mike, “Thank you so much! Thank you! Remember girls, be Nice! Be Easy! Be Nice ’n Easy!” and the crowd kind of clapped and “woo-hoooed” a little bit.
fifteen minutes later, we all took our places offstage for the big open.
here’s how it works. the stage is pretty much bare except for a set of stairs leading up to a platform. there’s a curtain, like gauzy and white, covering the platform, which is dark. us girl backup dancers are offstage to one end, the guys are on the other end. darcy’s behind the curtain in the middle of the stage but no one can see her. this really deep voice like darth vader or whoever that guy is who goes “This is CNN” comes over the loudspeaker: “ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for a journey to a special place, to a world where a boy can be a boy and a girl can be a girl. a place where music is the true language of love. ladies and gentlemen …” how idiotic is THAT? ha I kinda love it. anyway as he’s saying that, this light comes up behind darcy and projects her shadow against the curtain making her look like 40 feet tall. she’s got this pimp fedora hat on and a suit with a really big lapel and huge shoulder pads. it’s kinda like Michael Jackson meets Carmen Electra only it’s a 40-foot-tall shadow. anyway right then the voice goes, “ladies and gentlemen …” again, and darcy leans into a standing mike that is also a 40-foot-tall shadow and whispers, “It’s Darcy.” and all of a sudden this mad crazy mix of “Love You Like a Lollipop” comes on and she tosses her hat off and her hair starts flying and the crowd starts screaming almost like they’re in a panic and we all come rushing out and start serving it up down in front of the stairway. (I also have to say that little “It’s Darcy” bit is one of the only things that actually comes out of her mouth for most of the show. ok that’s an exaggeration but not much. but to be fair, she’s copped to it already. she’s said publicly she sings every note except on songs where she’s dancing around. guess what, there’s only like one song where she’s not dancing around. but I’m getting off track.)
so for the next 78 minutes we hit it HARD pretty much nonstop, no intermission. from “Love You Like a Lollipop” straight through “Keep It Poppin’” and “Carpe Diem (Seize Me)” and on and on.
There are five costume changes.
We totally hit every routine perfectly, there were no screwups at ALL. the crowd was SO into it … they were screaming so loud for so long that it was really hard to hear the music sometimes, even though I was wearing those little earphones that pop stars are always fiddling with (which basically just plays the same mix that’s being piped through the stadium’s sound system). I did the dive roll move in “Whenever” with no problems. I pulled off every single transition easily. the only hangup was when my bra strap on my third outfit (the one for “Plucky”) totally shredded backstage but luckily shaundree lent me hers at the last second. no one noticed.
I’m not sure if I ever really got THERE during the show, but I’m definitely sure I got pretty close a couple of times. I guess there was just too much going on for me to really let myself go.
but the exhilaration I got from the crowd was out of control. even though I knew the applause wasn’t for me, specifically, it thrilled me. I was walking on air from the first beat and didn’t stop until we’d finished both of our encores.
I finally got the hi fives I’d been looking for for weeks, from the Tinas, D-Run, and everyone else. we pulled it off, and we all knew it. I almost felt like I belonged. almost.
I headed back to darcy’s hangout room and collapsed on the couch (she told me to go back there and she’d meet me in a few). I was exhilarated.
I was there only like two seconds when up on the closed-circuit tv (which had a live stream from the main stage) I saw Darcy come back onstage.
“Hold up everyone! Lordy what a show!” she yelled into the mike. “Don’t leave yet! We’ve got one more song to sing, if y’all don’t mind! Whattya think?” of course the whole place was like WOOOOOOH! I was like omiGOD am I supposed to be down there? did I forget a whole number that we’re supposed to do?
or was this a real, bona fide encore?
then darcy goes, “Mama?” and omigod, darla walks out from backstage, carrying a MICROPHONE! I sank back into the couch, riveted and in semi-shock. darcy goes, “this is my beautiful mama, and we’ve got a new song we’d like to share with y’all.” darla and darcy sat down on stools, facing each other. then the guitarist (his name is rob but everyone calls him Throb) came out and sat on a stool behind them. and he started playing, acoustic, the sappiest, most R. Kelly-ish melody I’ve ever heard in my life.
Mama Knows Best
(© 2003 Darla Barnes, Darcy Barnes)
Darcy:
Mama don’t you know
Doesn’t matter how much I grow
Mama you always know best
Mama I may be
A woman now, just look at me
But Mama you still know best
Chorus
Mama knows best when I’m lonely
Mama knows best when I’m blue
Mama knows best cause I’m still her baby
Mama knows what’s best for you
Mama knows best, oh yes, Mama knows best
Darla:
Baby, don’t you know
No matter how far you go
Mama always knows best
There may come a day, someday
When you say Mama go away
But even then, Mama knows best
Chorus
Both:
Don’t ever forget that I’m yo’ mama
Nothing can tear us apart, no mama
Do everything your mama says
Forever, forever, for-EVVVVVVVVVVVER, Mama!
Chorus
(improvise to fadeout)
I’m totally going to vom.
as soon as the song ended, the stadium erupted. I guess all the moms there (which made up a good 25% of the audience, I mean, I guess they figured they couldn’t let their third graders attend alone ha ha) really liked it. no duh, right? I mean, it’s all about ignoring your own mind and just doing what your mother says.
and those kids scream at anything darcy says.
I was grossed out but only momentarily. I had a lot to think about. I mean, hello, it was my first show! and I didn’t screw up! I pretty much rule!
anyway darcy came crashing into her hangout room right after the show. I figured I’d start squealing, just like that night in front of The Wizard of Oz, so I did.
I jumped up yelling, “awesome awesome you were amazing! we did it!” I went over to give her a hug.
and she practically pushed me off her. all snappy, “dude we JUST started. don’t you get it? we have 60 more of these shows to go. you seriously need to grow up. let’s get back to the hotel. I gotta crash.”
and I go, “well that last song was really beautiful” and she goes, “you think that was MY idea? no way. that song is going to kill this show. god, k.k. can’t you shut up for one minute? fuck!”
so I did. I shut up. she was cussing. I knew something was wrong. Ugh Darcy Barnes sometimes you suck. I was just sitting there thinking man, can’t I celebrate for like a minute? didn’t I have a friend who looks just like you a few minutes ago? I just made it through my first stadium show ever and I didn’t blow it. in fact I killed it! I even congratulated YOU. and I’m the one who needs to grow up?
I wish I’d had the guts to say it all out loud but we went all the way back to the hotel in silence. I realized I was starting to count on her to be my friend, whether our friendship was just a publicity stunt or not.
thank god for tito, at least HE had some love for me.
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday June 20
Time: 10:14 PM
Subject: Killer
Who killed it? You killed it!
Tee toe
PS-Are you at all responsible for this.“Mama Knows Best” fiasco?
I guess he’d heard about it on MTV news—they were there covering the show. Apparently they referred to it as the low point. anyway he also paged me like fourteen times:
U ROK! WORSHIP U! >3>3>3
andKELS DA MAN!!!
andMISS U DIVA
andT-To LUVS U
etc. etc. etc.
SATURDAY JUNE 22
GRANDE ALL-SUITES HOTEL
KANSAS CITY, 11:36 PM
Outfit: terry robe.
Hair: sweaty and disgusting. I gotta take a bath.
Fortune: The road is shorter than you think.
tonight’s show was even better than last night’s but that is SO beside the point. The real news is that after the show, I was leaving the stadium with darcy and jesse and rashid. rashid was telling us this story about how darla fired latrell the makeup artist after the show tonight because she thought he had said something rude about her skin tone and now eileen was going to have to find someone by, like, tomorrow when the show was going to be in another city and what if they sucked and blah blah blah. anyway on our way out the back door to the car that was waiting to take us back to the hotel there was this one news guy with a camera pointed straight at us. and then this reporter pops out from behind him and sticks a mike into darcy’s face and goes, “So, how long have you and Jesse Nixon been an item!”
we all stood there staring at this guy for a second and before I knew what was happening darcy just goes, “We are NOT an item! Lordy! We are just really great friends. I am so sure! right Jesse?” and he was like “yeah” then she grabs my shoulder and pushes me in front of her over next to jesse and goes, “Jesse is so not my boyfriend. He’s dating my very bestest ever friend K.K. here! Oh my Lordy! Aren’t they just the cutest? Awww. Now can you leave us all alone?”
the reporter and camera dude kind of shrank back into the shadows.
Then she broke out her cell phone. “Hey, Eileen? How were the revenues tonight? What are our totals?”
I was like, wait, what? I’m dating WHO??
I looked over at Jesse, who just licked his lips and smiled at me. I realized that my fantasy was coming true: I was finally dating Jesse Nixon, just as I’d dreamed of a million times before and it was precisely NOT what I wanted. he took the opportunity to put his arm around my waist. ugh.
darcy made me ride on her bus last night all the way to Kansas City. she said she wanted to hang out with jesse and k.k., her two best friends, but it soon became pretty clear that I was her cover … she wanted to be with jesse, and I was just around to keep people from asking questions.
I got no sleep and I pretty much confirmed in every way but visually that jesse and darcy are way, WAY more than friends. her little cabin on the bus has a door, and it closes. she and jesse were behind it all night.
I’m no expert and I’m sure I could be wrong but, well, let’s just say I heard things. if I didn’t know better I’d say there’s no way that anyone in that cabin was a virgin. But she says she’s a virgin so that’s pretty much that.
Oh man, I need tito. this is all way too ill for one person.
SATURDAY JUNE 22
GRANDE ALL-SUITES HOTEL
KANSAS CITY, 11:55 PM
I’m nauseous. I was just watching jesse on a “total dedication show.” he closed by saying he’d like to do his own dedication. and he introduced Darcy’s new single by saying “this one’s for you, K.K.” here’s the song.
View from the Top
(© 2003 Darcy Barnes Music)
Boy you know it’s true
When I’m all over you
Ain’t nothing you can do
Just keep on doin’ what you do (Do it!)
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
When I’m on top boy
You bring me so much joy
It makes me want to scream
Makes everything a dream
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
[Bridge]
Don’t try to hide
Just come inside
Baby you know you got it like that
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
Cause the view
From the top
Makes me pop
(Oooh yeah)
(Repeat three times to fadeout)
I was like EW. I cannot believe he just dedicated that song to me in front of the whole planet.
SUNDAY JUNE 23
GRANDE ALL-SUITES HOTEL
KANSAS CITY, 2:01 PM
Fortune: Who do you think you are?
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Sunday June 23
Time: 1:11 AM
Subject: You’re (in) famous
What’s THIS about?? I found it online.
BAD NEWS AGAIN, GIRLS
Seems Darcy “Plucky” Barnes and Jesse “VJ du Jour” Nixon are off again for the moment, but the reason is rather shocking. Seems Jesse’s been swapping spit with one of Darcy’s backup dancers, one K.K. Kimball, a newish dancer straight outta San Diego. (Which is about all we know about her.) But wait, there’s more. Sources say Darcy’s the one who introduced the new duo, and she’s even been quoted as saying she thinks they look “adorable” together. Yep, a local news reporter from St. Louis WWQW-TV caught Darcy on camera gushing over the couple, saying, “Aren’t they just the cutest?” So what gives? We’re wondering if the Darce-meister is clearing the way for a new romance. Or maybe Jesse’s been pressing her to reconsider her virgin status? You know we’ll keep you posted … After all, Jesse Nixon’s relationship status is do-or-die news for us, too!
oh god, this isn’t happening. this can’t be happening. oh god. I wrote back:
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Sunday June 23
Time: 8:54 am
Subject: over my head!
Tito that’s not even half of it.
KellyKelSoCal321: dude did you hear anything about me online or anything?
SlipKnotRules933111: ???
KellyKelSoCal321: I heard there were some rumors online but they aren’t true
SlipKnotRules933111: ok. I have no clue what you’re talking about but whatever.
KellyKelSoCal321: I’m freaking out.
SlipKnotRules933111: whatever, look I’m freaking too. carl told mom that he’s been seeing that other woman. the twins have met her and everything. but he said he wants to stay to work it out or whatever.
KellyKelSoCal321: how do you know
SlipKnotRules933111: they fought about it in the yard last night right outside my window
KellyKelSoCal321: oh man, what did she say
SlipKnotRules933111: nothing she just went to bed
KellyKelSoCal321: is she losing it?
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t know I haven’t seen her.
KellyKelSoCal321: where’s carl now?
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t know he’s not here though.
KellyKelSoCal321: are the girls there?
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t think so.
KellyKelSoCal321: you don’t think it’s just another one of their spats or whatever
SlipKnotRules933111: I don’t think so. hey did you watch When Good Cops Go Bad last night?
SUNDAY JUNE 23
DARCY’S BUS
ON THE WAY TO DES MOINES, 9:18 PM
Outfit: It’s Darcy!! tour jacket, track pants, slip-on sneakers.
Mood: incredulous. (I looked it up.)
I can’t sleep, so I’m writing. I’m trying to stay as cool as I can, but I’m definitely freaked out about everything. I mean can you blame me? the sucky part is I don’t feel like there’s anyone here I can really talk to about everything. I mean I can talk to rashid about some stuff and darcy about some stuff and even like eileen about some stuff but there’s no one I can put it all together with. I miss tito.
after managing to keep my head down all day, darcy finally cornered me, dragging me onto her bus for the overnight haul to Des Moines. We were sitting in front of the flat screen eating contraband chocolate when darcy hit the mute button.
How do you like my new bangs? she asked, flipping her freshly cut bangs.
I was like, huh? um, they’re great! I tried to muster a squeal, no luck.
“look,” she goes. “I know you’re bugging about this whole thing with you and jesse and the press and everything, but don’t worry. believe me I know it’ll all blow over and in a few weeks pretty much no one will remember you. I promise. they’ll be like ‘Kelly who?’ Oh, uh, um, well that didn’t sound right but you know what I’m trying to say.”
I was like I guess so. I mean she’s been through this kinda stuff a lot, right? so she would know, right? she goes, “it’s like that time when I was banned in Singapore or wherever it was because they said I was a bad influence. you just gotta let people talk about you for a while and ignore it. it’s the only way.” I was like, well, not really, but ok.
I was also like well yeah this “whole jesse thing” is bugging me out, but there’s a lot more that’s bugging me out, too. but you wouldn’t know. It’s stuff you wouldn’t understand. and I don’t really want to talk about it, so I won’t.
she goes, like what?
and I go, nothing. seriously.
and she goes, you mean you’re bugging about me and jesse and what our deal is?
and I go, no, not really.
so darcy pulls this picture out of her bra and hands it to me. it’s her and jesse, arm in arm. “ok first of all I have a little eensy secret. remember how I was saying that I had a boyfriend that one night? well, um, it’s Jesse Nixon. we’ve been going out for a while.”
my first thought was, no kidding. I’m surprised you can walk after last night’s bus ride! but I didn’t say it out loud. I forced myself to giggle. she goes, “What?” and I was like, “nothing.” and she goes, “what, did you guess?”
and I was like, “believe it or not, I wasn’t sure.” I was kind of lying but something told me it was ok in this case. “I mean I heard it but I didn’t buy it. but I think it’s totally cool. it’s true you guys really are perfect together. perfect. just look at you.” I pointed to the picture. I didn’t really believe they were perfect together now that I’d actually been introduced to Jesse Nixon, but I knew she’d want to hear it.
and she goes, “yeah we are, aren’t we? he is sooo cute! we are the cutest! but it totally sucks because it’s really important for our careers that we both stay single, you know. like how would all those screaming girls feel if he was off the market and I was the one who took him off it? they’d hate us both, especially me.”
so instead they’ll just hate ME, now that I’M supposedly the one who snagged him, I was thinking.
“so here’s what I’m thinking. you can be his ‘official’ girlfriend, or someone he’s dating or something, and that’ll explain why he’s around all the time. it’ll totally make you famous and the press will ignore him and me. plus to make it even more clear, I’ll just act like I’m totally head-over-heels-in-love crushing on Rashid, but he’s just a little too old for me plus he’s on the payroll. hello, I don’t date dancers like that Pashmina does. no. anyway, jesse and I will get to stay together and the best part is, my number-one crush/boyfriend-on-reserve stays off the market. ha ha. just in case I need a backup. don’t you love it? isn’t it like perfect?”
actually, I was thinking, not REALLY. It made me feel like her puppet or something. but what was I going to do? say no?
I think she could tell I was annoyed.
“what do you think?” she asked. “what’s wrong?”
I go, “I don’t know, Darcy. this is kind of a lot to think about. it kind of puts me in a weird position. I mean I don’t know …” she goes, I know, k.k., this is all crazy for me, too. I never know if I’m making the right decisions. ugh. I don’t know. sometimes I think I’m just crazy. am I crazy?
she looked so young right then. no, I said. I don’t, you’re in a difficult situation. and now so am I. And then I groaned.
She grinned at me and I have to say it was kinda cute. it made me feel like protecting her.
ok, what if I also make you official lead dancer of the company? she said. You can be listed first on the programs and everything but you won’t have to deal with any REAL responsibilities.
really? I didn’t even know there was such a position. “no that’s cool darcy, I don’t want to take anyone’s position away” and she goes, “no, I just made the position up! I can do that! I’ll make eileen announce it to the press this week. what do you say?”
what could I say? I couldn’t just say no. tito would kill me if I did that. so I just gave a little squeal. she goes “cool! then it’s settled! hey want to watch The Little Mermaid? I have the DVD!”
then she goes, “and by the way, the part about me being a virgin? That part’s totally true. jesse and I have never …”
TUESDAY JUNE 25
CHICAGO, 10:05 PM
Outfit: army tee, pink hanes her way panties.
Mood: Feeling like I’m on TV all the time … everything seems so fake. Or maybe it’s me?
Jesse showed up again tonight. it’s so weird how he just pops up every now and then. it’s like, don’t you have a job?
the sucky part about it is whenever he shows up I have to be his girlfriend. remember? yeah, I’m his official girlfriend. that means darcy and I have to get a big suite with at least two bedrooms so he can sneak from my room to hers. funny how he always manages to flash me before he leaves “our” room. I’ve seen front and back at least three times by now. it’s annoying. he’s one horny dude. I wonder how darcy can keep up. anyway lately I’ve been locking him out after he leaves.
But the situation is totally worth it. I mean, hi, we always get the best room in the hotel. And there’s really no lack of privacy for me. It’s a pretty sweet deal. Also she pays for all the phone charges so I’m able to call tito and evan and everyone.
tonight darcy had to do a little “behind the scenes” interview for MTV Asia, so jesse came with me when I went back to the suite. after I let us in, I just pointed toward the door to darcy’s bedroom and was like “that’s darcy’s room. I’m raiding the minibar and crashing out. good night dude.”
and he comes up to me, puts his arms around my waist, and goes, “hey is that any way to treat your official boyfriend?”
I just fake-laughed and squirmed out of his arms. he grabbed me again. “come on. you gotta feel the spark too, k.k. you’re fine, I’m fine, we’re fine. we should do what fine people do!”
he started slow dancing, singing “I wanna rock with you … all night” like Michael Jackson. I go, “dude, never, no way, you’re darcy’s boyfriend, and besides … here’s a tip from the real world: that song will kill a girl’s mood every time. you gotta get better material.”
freak. It’s amazing to me how someone I’ve obsessed about for so long, someone who occupied my daydreams for so long, could be so totally unattractive as he is right now. It’s like he’s got this thing where he thinks everyone wants him … like all he has to do is wink at you and you’ll melt.
I pushed his hands down and off me and went about my business. he just sat there all hurt. “come on baby, don’t break my heart like that.” I said, “give it a rest man. your girlfriend’s on her way back here! and that puppy dog thing you guys do never, ever works on me.”
he goes, “damn” and grabs the remote. He sat on the couch and proceeded to ignore me, which was fine.
there was nothing in the minibar so I just decided to get in bed. I shut the door to my room and grabbed my laptop.
TUESDAY JUNE 25
CHICAGO, 11:03 PM
Mood: I feel like I did something dirty even though I didn’t.
Hair: I just smelled it. I need to wash it.
ok ew I’m officially nauseous. I have made myself sick.
I fell asleep before I really got to writing before, but I got woken up when I heard darcy come back to the suite. I could smell pot, I guess it had come in under the door.
right away jesse was like, “where the hell have you been? I’ve been waiting for like two hours” and darcy was like, “what are you talking about? I just did my interview and came straight here! and it looks like you’re having an OK time without me, stoner!”
and he was like, “damn I can’t believe you made me wait so long!”
neither of them said anything for a few minutes, then I could make out muffled voices.
I heard them go into darcy’s bedroom and close the door. I heard the lock go, too.
then I got really dawson’s creek about the whole thing. I actually put my ear up against the wall and listened. her bed was pushed right up against the wall, I guess, cause I could hear a lot. now I don’t want to make this an x-rated diary or anything but let’s just say I heard jesse nixon and darcy barnes make out, get stoned, and engage in, what do they call it in junior high?
oh yeah, heavy petting.
I didn’t pull my ear away until I heard jesse say, “are you done baby? hold on. lemme go get a towel.”
I’m going to need lifelong therapy.
TUESDAY JULY 2
INDIANAPOLIS (I think), 3:05 PM
Outfit: I tried to board the bus in just my tank top but Darla glared at me so I put on my tour jacket. I was sweating all day
Hair: Never better. Shaundree touched up my roots.
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. I guess you could say I’ve been having the time of my life. Six shows a week, but lots of time to just hang out too. Mostly with darcy, but also rashid, who’s gone from my crush to my friend and poker pal. He calls me the shark. I can thank my dad for that one—he taught me all I know about fivecard stud.
I swear every town we get to has more screaming fans than the last one. and what’s really tragic is the deeper we get into summer, the hotter it gets, the less people in the audience are wearing. and here’s a rule that everyone should have to learn: just because your pop idol looks cute in a sports bra and track pants doesn’t mean that you do. and all those ill signs: “Lipstick Me” “Virgin and Proud” and “Darcy It’s My Birthday!” and the scariest: “Moms United for Darla and Darcy.” today someone even came up to darcy and goes “I named my baby after you will you bless her?” and darcy goes “I don’t think I’m allowed to do that.”
KellyKelSoCal321: do you get any summer vacation at all?
SlipKnotRules933111: yeah next week mom’s making me go to palm desert to visit Aunt Linda.
KellyKelSoCal321: oh god no.
SlipKnotRules933111: yes. I really don’t want to go to the desert. I really wish she’d just let me stay here
KellyKelSoCal321: no way then you’d be in twin hell
SlipKnotRules933111: I could hide
KellyKelSoCal321: what if I asked her to let you come to Orlando? we’re going there tomorrow to do two shows there then we’ re shooting a new video for “Wax On, Wax Off” then we get two days off so we’ll be there for like two weeks … you could come for practically the whole time.
SlipKnotRules933111: what would I do there
KellyKelSoCal321: I don’t know just hang out. ask mom if you can come here instead. I’ll buy your ticket I know I’m supposed to be saving money or whatever but I can get him a plane ticket, maybe I can even use one of the vouchers continental airlines gave us all. they’re helping sponsor the tour or whatever. besides, I’m having a blast. he’d have a blast. he and darcy love each other. he should come up.
MONDAY JULY 8
DARCY’S HOUSE
ORLANDO, 9:30 AM
Outfit: darcy’s t-shirt, darcy’s track pants, darcy’s scrunchie. all my stuff’s in the laundry or something.
Fortune: Follow the signs.
Darcy woke me up this morning by jumping on my bed. well, not really my bed. I’ve been sleeping in darcy’s hot older brother’s bed. don’t worry he’s out of town.
yeah, she has a house down here. you pretty much can’t be a teen pop star without a spread within range of disney world, know what I mean? a couple of the guys from the Backstreet Boys or one of those old boy bands live down the block—a couple of the guys, not a “couple couple,” er, whatever. I’m sure the Lacheys have a spread nearby. maybe Aaron Carter, too. oh and darla has her own place, it was her way of giving darcy and her brother some “space” or her way of giving herself some space, or something.
so we’re down here for a couple of weeks or so to take a break before heading up to New York, where darcy’s agreed to do a pay-per-view show. (of course, that includes yours truly …) it’ll definitely be the biggest show of this tour, and everyone is starting to get pretty revved up about it. I’d rather chill out though, ya know? this is our big chance to relax …
Anyway so yeah darcy started jumping on my bed before I even knew what was up. I go, “What the fuck is going on?” (I can be like that in the morning sometimes … cranky as hell. I think I get it from my mother.) and she goes, “relax! jeez, so cranky! we have to watch the today show! jesse is going to be on!”
and she cranks on the TV. it’s Pashmina singing “Working Girls” with Gwen Stefani, Beyonce, and Foxy Brown. darcy screamed out loud. EW! she covered her mouth with her hand and looked closer. under her breath I heard, “oh, my, god. look at how much makeup she has on!”
she was right. Pashmina looked like a clown. not like the cute kind, but like the scary kind that keep children up at night. and she was wearing panties that showed, well, pretty much everything, hello, camel toe!
CHANGE IT!! I screamed. she began pushing buttons frantically. and there’s katie couric staring out at us talking about west nile disease.
I go. Aren’t you and your mom going to be on the today show one of these days?
she goes. No, that was the view, and it was last week. we flew up for a couple of hours when we were in D.C.
I go, Oh, I didn’t know. it sucked, she said. we had to sing mama knows best. she was silent for a minute.
i was about to say something lame like “that’s cool” when she started talking again. You know, it was our second time on the view this summer. I guess it’s a record … The Star said it’s the first time a mother-daughter team has performed the same song on the view twice.
I looked at her, wondering what to say. I had no idea if what she’d just told me was a good thing or not. I still hadn’t figured out what to say during the LAST awkward silence and here I was faced with another one!
saved again! darcy blurted: “Hey! Why don’t you and ME do a duet?”
I was like, urn, ok, hell yeah! d.b. wants to do a duet, I’m down. like mama knows best? I said.
she goes NO way! You know I hate that song!
I was like PHEW! I HATE IT TOO! I laughed, and she laughed back.
This was one of those times when I actually liked her.
we’ll make it about best friends, like you and moi! c’mon let’s go down to my home recording studio!
I was like “home recording studio? what is this, MTV Cribs? ok. totally let’s do it. hey you watch for jesse and I’ll just take a quick shower ok??”
but she didn’t hear me, I don’t think. Katie Couric was talking about how this kid was rescued from a flood in Mississippi and darcy was totally crying. oh my lordy that is so sad! that little boy lost his puppy! oh I’m calling eileen to send him a new bloodhound. where’s my cellie? Note: new addition to my list of her multiple personalities. Random Acts of Kindness Darcy.
I snuck down into her kitchen to see if there was any coffee brewing. rock and roll, there was.
I could hear her yelling upstairs: “K.K. you gotta see this! jesse looks sooo cute!”
I pretended not to hear. I focused on my coffee. It’s not like we’ll actually be writing a song together anyway. darla would never let that happen. there’s no way darcy’s serious about it.
TUESDAY JULY 9
O-TOWN, BABY, 12:15 PM
Outfit: I’m in the same thing I was in yesterday, everything darcy’s. we haven’t left the house and I haven’t showered in over a day, and it feels great. :-)
Mood: After a rocky start, beginning to feel comfortable in this style to which I’ve become accustomed.
turns out darcy was serious about writing a song together.
see?
Be with Me (Reality)
(© 2003 Darcy Barnes and K.K. Kimball)
Don’t be lame
Don’t be stupid
Don’t be boring
Don’t be fake
Be real!
Don’t be ill
Don’t be crazy
Don’t be shady
Don’t be late
Be real!
You gotta be real
To be with me (reality)
You gotta know the deal
To be with me (reality)
Cause reality
Is the way to be
Be with me (reality)
Don’t be a clone
Don’t be trendy
Don’t be just like
All the rest
Be real!
(Rap)
Reality reality is the only way that I can be
And all my girls around me say
Be real, be real, just keep it real, hey!
You gotta be real
To be with me (reality)
You gotta know the deal
To be with me (reality)
Cause reality
Is the way to be
Be with me (reality)
we finished it in like an hour and it was pretty cool. I went in just expecting to goof around and do silly stuff, but darcy went totally pro when we got into the studio. I was amazed at how well she worked that studio. it was pretty big … way bigger than Snoop’s on Cribs. walls and walls of equipment and speakers and woofers and subwoofers and whatever else that stuff is. and like a soundproof booth with a big huge mike in it and a bunch of instruments leaning up against the wall.
darcy’s a better musician than they give her credit for. that girl can play a tune on the keyboard by ear, no problem, even if when you hum it for her you’re totally off-key. and she comes up with some really cute melodies. I found harmonies pretty easily for her melodies (thanks dad for that early childhood California Dreamin’ training) and our voices didn’t sound that bad together at all!
as far as lyrics, she said we should go for straight-out cheese because as far as she can tell, cheese is what sells. and she said she wanted me to make some money off of it. I was like, well, ok. why not. so cheese we produced.
she goes ha! I bet Pashmina can’t write her own songs. and she didn’t make the 50 most gorgeous list either did she? do you think my hair is better than hers?
luckily, my pager cut her off.
DUDE WHERE R U
DUDE WHERE R U
DUDE WHERE R U
etc. oh god not again. it’s evan! it’s 12:15, and he landed an hour ago. he’s at the airport! luckily darcy keeps a navigator at this house, too. my brother needs a ride.
TUESDAY JULY 9
DARCY’S HOUSE
ORLANDO, 8:14 PM
Outfit: vintage OP long-sleeve tee, cargo shorts, flip-flops. I’m like the original surfer today.
Hair: shinier than ever. darcy and I soaked our hair in tea yesterday and lay out in the sun all afternoon. it really works! my calves got kinda sunburned though.
Mood: stoked to see evan. Note use of “stoked,” a popular surfing expression. in fact, I’m in a good mood all around.
Evan was starving when we went to pick him up so we stopped off at hardee’s drive thru, then dunkin’ donuts. Then it was off to Disney World where we went through the VIP entrance for every ride.
we went on all the rides. it’s amazing how, if you don’t have to wait in line, you can really do all of them in a couple of hours.
evan and I got hardly three minutes alone the whole day to talk about mom. but he told me that she told him that she really wants to leave carl. that was right before she went to palm desert. I bet she’s asking Aunt Linda for some money or if she and evan can stay there and if I know Aunt Linda she’s saying no way you made this bed now you gotta sleep in it and then I can picture mom practically begging Aunt Linda and her still saying no.
and then I can picture mom totally bolting and giving up on the whole thing and crying in the car on the way home to san diego, alone.
damn I hate how money screws up everything. what am I going to do when this job is over?
THURSDAY JULY 21
RIHGA ROYAL HOTEL
NEW YORK CITY, 11:46 PM
Outfit: Shiny black halter and faded jeans. Black boots.
Hair: Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, Shaundree gave me this cocoa butter stuff that makes it so shiny. And it’s back to light brown with blond streaks. she took a pic with her digital camera so I could email tito. he’ll be so happy. but I digress.
Fortune: Do what needs doing. Don’t do what doesn’t.
oh, to be back in Orlando, back when Darcy wasn’t so high maintenance.
ok here’s my story. we are in new york for the biggest show on the tour, the one we’re filming for a pay-per-view concert. everyone’s sort of been talking about it since the beginning of the tour but I’ve been kind of not thinking about it. for me, every show is a big scary monster to face down … the new york pay-per-view show is just a little bigger and a little scarier … ok, it’s a lot scarier. because I know tito will be watching. not to mention my mother. not to mention the entire rest of the world.
and tonight the record company rented out this bar called Jaguar or Leopard or something and threw her a huge party tonight for selling a trillion copies or whatever. even though we knew we have a huge show coming up, the show, we partied pretty hard.
someone should tell darcy that she still can’t legally drink. that would be fun. then again, she probably wouldn’t pay much attention at the moment considering she’s, well, drunk isn’t really the word for it … Darcy barnes, the biggest star in the universe, the envy of teen girls everywhere and the x-rated daydream of teen boys everywhere is lying in the bathroom, wrapped around the toilet in a fetal position, refusing to stand up. or is it unable to stand up? … her head’s wedged in kinda tight behind the plumbing back there. for all I know she could be immobilized. but maybe that’s a good thing so she doesn’t get in bed and puke THERE instead.
really attractive. very nice, for america’s sweetheart.
it’s amazing how, even in this position, she looks like she’s posing. even in this position, her belly button is front and center. the girl can’t even puke without her belly showing. did she PLAN that? hair crusted with vomit notwithstanding, she’s camera ready.
Yup, crusted vomit. well, I guess that’s what she gets for slamming down 4 slippery nipples in a half-hour at Deep, THE club this week in nyc. (yes, if you’re a celeb, you *can* get a drink before age 21. in fact, if you even know a celeb, you can get a drink. how do you think I got my own slippery nipple? notice I said one. which I didn’t even finish. not four.)
anyway, so yeah, darcy downed four slippery nipples before they even served the cake, yeah, *that* cake. it was a “photo-frosted” cake that was iced to supposedly look like her face in the “Love You Like a Lollipop” video but instead it looked like courtney love meets marilyn manson.
anyway, there she was, drunk in a coochie-slit skirt and a deep-neck crop jacket (no shirt), bending over to blow out candles that weren’t even there. she thought it was her birthday, I guess. either that or she’d WANTED to give the front of the room a boob show and the back of the room a butt show.
talk about your slippery nipples! and hello, I see London and France. Hell, from this angle I can see Lake Titicaca.
out of the corner of my eye I also caught jesus and armand engaged in a full-on tongue kiss.
luckily (I guess) no one really captured the critical moment for major worldwide circulation. at least, not that I saw. I mean, I guess seeing paris hilton’s was enough for one summer and the paparazzi decided it was no longer a scoop. or maybe the paparazzi were too busy drooling to get their cameras focused in time. sickos. the girl is barely legal.
She’s moaning in there. she just goes, “jesse, jesse.” Yeah I WISH jesse was in town right now. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with this. you would have passed out on his watch, not mine. The thing is you never really know when he’s going to be around and when he isn’t. Guys.
Why isn’t rashid here? He’d know what to do.
Should I go look and see how she’s doing? Ugh. why does this happen to me? ugh once again K.K. gets suckered into being darcy’s best friend and watchdog. cause no one else will. (or no one else cares enough.)
especially not darla, who was busy the whole party, making out with some Man in Black in one of the back banquettes at the leopard or jaguar or whatever bar, and jesse had long since left with Outkast and Tara Reid, and rashid wasn’t even there, so the only person there to rescue darcy from herself was you guessed it, moi. I had to get her out of there. I mean it’s not like darcy can be seen staggering drunk from her big fancy industry party all alone, looking around for her car or something. I sucked it up and we ducked out, me smiling and darcy drooling. I tried my best to hold her up. she tripped on the curb, though, and at least one camera got her mid-fall. then she flipped off the assembled press from inside the car. I grabbed her hand to stop her.
It was a short ride back to the hotel, but she still managed to puke in the limo. make that on my boots. it was when this Pashmina song “Get Down on Me” came on the radio. I had to yell at the driver TURN THAT DOWN PLEASE but the damage had been done. she slurred Sssssshcrew Pashmina … ssshhhee can’t sssssinnng … waitlllll my sssshow tomorrow night. you’lll seeeee. I’m going to sssssing way better than pa-pa-Pashmina.
we finally made it back up to my room, Darcy draped across my shoulders, but not before she got all wack on me in the elevator and started talking about how much she loves me and admires me and how much I’m her best friend blah blah blah. I hate how she gets like that sometimes. (funny how it always happens after too many rounds of Peach Pussycats, Tequila Mockingbirds, or Cockblockers or something.)
anyway the poor li’l international superstar was halfway through her third “and I really want my hair just like yours. I mean, I don’t CARE what it looks like!” when she sat down on the bathroom floor “just for a second.” That’s the last thing she said.
it’s not pretty at the moment but whatever. the way I see it, we’re in this together now, and she needs my help. besides I kinda owe her. she was so cool with my bro last week.
should I go in there? god this sucks.
SlipKnotRules933111: where are you
KellyKelSoCal321: new york
SlipKnotRules933111: carl and the twins are gone
KellyKelSoCal321: WHAT?
SlipKnotRules933111: left last night
KellyKelSoCal321: fuck. but do u and mom get to stay at the house?
SlipKnotRules933111: no he’s coming back in four weeks and we have to be gone. we have until August 22
KellyKelSoCal321: where’s mom
SlipKnotRules933111: she and that lawyer are talking downstairs.
KellyKelSoCal321: they spend a lot of time together
SlipKnotRules933111: tell me about it
KellyKelSoCal321: fuck, evan that sucks.
SlipKnotRules933111: that’s ok I’m leaving tomorrow for a weeklong school trip to boot camp in utah.
KellyKelSoCal321: no WAY!
SlipKnotRules933111: yeah just like on Real Boot Camp Disasters!
KellyKelSoCal321: be careful dude ok
SlipKnotRules933111: you too
KellyKelSoCal321: what do you mean?
FRIDAY JULY 26
RIHGA ROYAL HOTEL
NEW YORK CITY, 6:50 AM
Mood: stressed out. they’re coming at me from all sides. and tonight’s the big pay-per-view show.
darla barnes pounded on my hotel suite door this morning at 6:30 AM and shoved a clipping from the New York Morning Star Herald-Tribune Post in my face. Doesn’t she sleep?
Just asking …
Which overfeted multiplatinum-selling blond divette who’s in town to shoot a much-hyped pay-per-view concert special and needs to be at the top of her game tonight toppled off her platform boots on her way out of last night’s 18th birthday bash at a hip downtown nite spot? Seems the wasted warbler, in town to film a pay-per-view concert at the Garden, threw back an extra Slippery Nipple or two without considering the consequences (ah, the travails of youth) and after two bar-top dances and one involuntary flash had to be assisted (some say carried) from the venue by her bestest backup dancer, who lovingly deposited the soda-pop star back at their hotel before commencing yet another liaison with her paramour, himself a pop star of platinum status. Oh, and note to the porn star … we mean pop star … in question: you left your wrap at the coat check.
“HOW could you let this happen?” she screamed. “I trusted you with her last night. it was my understanding that you would not leave her side. you knew it was the night before the biggest show of the tour, the biggest show of darcy’s life, yet you managed to get my daughter drunk in a bar? in front of industry people? what are you thinking?”
I thought about fighting back, defending myself. I thought about asking her what she was doing in that back banquette while her own daughter was abusing alcohol and inviting photographs of her panties, but I knew that would go nowhere. I just said, “I’m sorry.”
she barked at me. “SORRY doesn’t really cut it right now does it? Just be glad it was a blind item with no names. Oh, and I’ve granted an interview to the paper, in which I name you, k.k. kimball, as a bad influence on darcy. you are the one who got her drunk. they’re running the item tomorrow. we’re at least going to get some extra press out of this situation. when this tour is over, you are finished. I mean completely finished.
and with that she bolted, slamming the door behind her. great, I thought, she’s probably off to the Today Show to rant about how the press is unfair to her daughter. (who, in the meantime, is still in my bed, sleeping and sweating at the same time. pretty. luckily I closed the door to the bedroom before darla could see her.) I leaned against the door, hoping she was gone.
before I could exhale, Darla began pounding on the door again. I could barely open it when her face pushed itself into the crack and hissed, “and if you DARE record another duet with my daughter, if you even think about it, I will personally see to it that you leave the tour and never record music in this town or any other town again in your life. I am darcy’s one and only duet partner. NOT you. I am a singer. YOU are a BACKUP DANCER. stay out of the way. do I make myself clear?”
I wanted to spit back “I don’t care i hate that stupid song we wrote together! it’s a joke! it’s almost as bad as yours” but I just nodded and closed the door. she pounded again, yelling, “and get her coat back, pronto!” but I didn’t open it. I couldn’t take any more. I mean it wasn’t even seven a.m.
now tito and probably my mother are going to see darla’s story in the papers and they’ll think I’m spending the summer lushed out on a cross-country scorpion-bowl tour. ugh.
how did this happen to me? how did I become the fall girl? it was bad enough that they blamed that whole darcy barnes transvestite look-alike contest fiasco on me, now I have to take the heat for darcy’s immature liver. I need a latte.
I can’t believe it’s not even 7 in the morning yet. I’m hung over and I’m horrified.
thank god I’m K.K. right now and not Kelly. I’m not sure I’d be able to deal.
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 7:05 AM
Subject: Wasn’t me
You are still asleep. but I want you to know that no matter what kind of gossip you read online or hear on access Hollywood today, it wasn’t me. I love you. help!
K.K.
there was just another knock on the door. it was jesse this time. “Where’s darcy?”
she’s asleep, I said. goodbye.
he stuck his hand out, blocking the door. “wait, is she asleep? or passed out?”
“what do you think?” I go. now get away.
Passed out? he said, perfect! let me in. he was grinning.
Get … the … fuck … out … of … here! I screamed, slamming the door and dead bolting it. he banged on the door and yelled “well … what are YOU doing? want to hang out?” I ignored him.
If only rashid was here right now. he’d know how to deal. er, actually no he wouldn’t. but at least he’d know what to say. sigh. Maybe he wouldn’t even know that. but I can’t call him anyway. It’s 7:10 AM and normal people just aren’t up yet. omigod I just remembered, our new york show is TONIGHT. this is, according to everyone, the big one. Madison Square Garden. it’s where Madonna shot her HBO special and everything. anyone willing to add $29.95 to their cable bill will see our show.
and it’s my responsibility to drag the star of the show out of her hangover.
I think I’ll let her sleep for now. lemme go make sure she’s still breathing. I wonder if I have any gum.
FRIDAY JULY 26
RIHGA ROYAL HOTEL, 10:25 AM
Outfit: I dug around and found evan’s Insane Clown Posse tee for good luck.
Fortune: Who said life is fair?
miraculously I fell back asleep after that encounter with darla. What can I say, life with Regis and Kelly just didn’t hold my attention.
but just a couple of minutes ago Eileen called and woke me up.
“ok k.k. I mean Kelly don’t talk, just listen. here’s the deal. I left the show this morning. I’m sorry this is so sudden but there was no other way around it. darla decided it would be best if I left the tour immediately. I suppose she’s right. I mean that’s not the kind of press we want to get for darcy. so it’s probably best that I go, even though it’s not really my fault. it’ll make it easier on you all. and I mean why hang around if you’re not really wanted right? so here’s the scoop. I overheard darla talking on her cell phone … I don’t know who she was talking to … but she was talking about figuring out a way to deal with ‘the k.k. issue,’ now I’m not sure what the exact k.k. issue is or anything but she said it doesn’t sound good. I think you should watch your back for the next little bit. I don’t think she would do anything that would mess up the show, so you’re probably safe and won’t get fired or anything, but this is darla we’re talking about so it really could go either way. besides she fired me immediately after realizing I was listening to her conversation so there’s that, too. so, um, I’m leaving tonight for LA. sorry I have to miss the big show. hey by the way don dezer gave me the heads-up on a new gig … i’m going to manage the FlyGirls2K on the Wayans Brothers’ ‘Big Pimpin’ on UPN Comedy Hour.’ want to join the crew when the tour is up? it’s a great gig—pretty much how J.Lo got her start you know.”
I found myself saying “um, ok” before realizing that actually, no, I don’t ever want to be a FlyGirl2K on the new Big Pimpin’ Comedy Hour. EVER. oh yeah and remembering that I have much more horrifying things to worry about than ending up a FlyGirl2K. Like Darla.
Eileen could probably tell I didn’t know what to say. “ok, ok, I better go. I don’t want you getting in trouble for talking to me ok good luck k.k. I mean Kelly. I still have your email address i’ll be in touch ok? hang in there be strong and keep up the realness ok?”
oh man, what have I gotten myself into?
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 10:05 AM
Subject: Cutie Patootie
You know I only believe what you tell me, sweetie. And you know I’m you’re biggest fan. By the way Evan and your mom are going to come over here to watch your pay-per-view special. He called and asked if he could. How cute is that? Teet
I was like my MOM is going over to Tito’s just to watch me? that’s weird.
FRIDAY JULY 26
DINER
NEW YORK CITY, 4:55 PM
Outfit: faded jeans, yellow wifebeater, aviators
Mood: I’ve never felt like this so I’m not sure what to call it. it’s not good, though.
I didn’t think things could go from bad to worse until they did. well actually they got better for a couple of minutes.
I poked my head into the bedroom, saw darcy facedown on the mattress, spread-eagled. no dignity. anyway I thought about checking to see if she was breathing then changed my mind, scrawled a note on a page ripped out of the room service menu (it said “stay in bed, sleepyhead” cause that’s what she told me her dad used to say to her on Christmas morning), and stuck the note up to the TV screen. I figured she’d definitely see it there.
then I called rashid’s room. “are you up. I need you,” I said. he goes, “lobby, 10 minutes.”
we met downstairs. we walked over to the hazy, hot concrete plaza in front of the Ziegfeld theater down the block, got iced coffee from the guy selling bagels and stuff there, and grabbed a bench. It was still morning, but it already felt like pea soup outside.
I told him the whole story or at least, all the parts I knew. he just kept laughing. I was yelling at him, all, this is NOT funny! and everything but he was like the HELL it isn’t! this is too funny! I mean, are you kidding me? psycho darla plotting to undermine a backup dancer? calling the newspaper to rant about a BLIND ITEM? it sucks about eileen and everything but come on this is too funny. I was like shut up! it wouldn’t be so funny if it was YOU and he goes, “actually, I think laughing at it is the only way I could really handle it” and then he gave me the sweetest biggest hug ever and goes, you can handle it, Kelly. none of this is real. remember that. you, however, are real.
I laid my head down in his lap and stared up at him. I felt my keys drop out of my pocket and heard them hit the concrete beneath us.
I go, yeah, it is pretty funny isn’t it. and then I started laughing a little. and then laughing harder. and rashid was cracking up right along with me.
Then he stood up and started imitating darla, stroking an imaginary Pekinese and shooting me his rendition of the LOOK. I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. iced coffee shot out of my nose.
He put his hands around my waist, pulled me toward him, and goes, “your turn.”
So I belted out an amazingly accurate, “Do I make myself CLEAR?!” at the top of my lungs. And I started to crack up. But when I looked up at his face to see his reaction, I realized he wasn’t looking at me. His face had gone gray and he was looking over my head, behind me.
I turned my head and saw darla standing about 10 yards away, hands on hips, staring. and she had the LOOK on. She walked, slowly, right up to us. Ignoring rashid, she just kept focused on me.
After staring at me for what seemed like an eternity, she goes, “Where is my daughter?”
I didn’t say a word. rashid crouched down, reached under the bench, found my room key, and gave it to darla.
she headed back toward the hotel. rashid gave me one last hug, whispered, Let me see if I can chill her out, then chased up 54th Street after darla.
I sat down on the bench and sucked on my iced coffee. I looked at my watch. 11:18 AM. Most days I wouldn’t have even been awake yet. But this day is already ruined. I suppose I should have gone up to my room to face darla and make sure darcy was cool. but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t picture that tactic working out very well. and I guess I didn’t care that much about it either.
besides I knew that I didn’t really feel sorry, and apologizing when you don’t feel sorry totally sucks.
So I decided to bolt. And wander around the city for hours and hours. At some point it occurred to me that it was my first trip to new york. And that it was exactly the way everyone describes it. Thousands and thousands of people, yet very lonely. after hours and hours of wandering I went back to the Rihga. unfortunately, everyone (including me, according to the woman cleaning my room) had checked out already (we’re supposed to stay somewhere in long island this weekend).
that’s why I’m sitting here at this diner. thank god I had $22 on me. and thank god grilled cheese tastes the same no matter where you go.
wow, I’m really broke. what the hell am I going to do about money? I have to get back to the show. I need that check. evan needs it.
ok, it’s 5 after 5. I wonder if they’re doing sound checks yet?
FRIDAY JULY 22
THE GARDEN
NEW YORK CITY, 7:20 PM
I hate it when big moments in your life, like big ones, get overshadowed by something totally out of your control. it ruins it.
like today, I hailed my very first cab ever in my life. that’s a pretty big deal! I stuck out my fist and this cab stopped. but I barely even noticed it because all of a sudden I was so freaked about getting back to the tour. something snapped in that diner and I got this rush of “I’ve got a job to do!” or something and I knew I had to get to the Garden asap.
(that’s what everyone on the tour calls Madison Square Garden. weird huh. like instead of “we’re playing in new york” they’re all “we’re playing at the garden.” I had no clue what they were all talking about until, like, yesterday.)
anyway, that was my first cab hailing. turned out I was only like two minutes from the garden.
it took me a while to find the right door because that place is huge. I must have tried like four doors. finally I figured it out. luckily I had my It’s Darcy!! i.d. with me. one wave of that sucker and I was in.
as I rode the endless escalators up toward where the security guard told me the dancers’ room was, I started to get a little scared. I mean, last I saw darla, she was ready to go house on me and I haven’t seen darcy all day and I probably missed sound check. not to mention, it’s our biggest show of the tour. I started preparing myself for pretty much anything. have I been fired? did darla lock me out? will darcy totally scream at me? will the dancers freak out at me? will they sabotage me onstage?
will anyone be on my side?
I was prepared to grovel to keep my job. (where else could I make enough for Evan’s tuition in just one summer?)
I was ready for my reentry into Darcy land to completely suck. But it didn’t.
In fact, the next few hours were totally routine. almost disappointingly so. darla wasn’t around anywhere, darcy barely spoke to me except for a “hey do you have any extra body gems” (then again she’s always all business before a big show and doesn’t want to chitchat, so it’s impossible to tell if she’s even pissed or anything). our stretching was just like always, although rashid did give me a wink. I tried to smile back but I chickened out. I was staying low.
I started to think that maybe it wasn’t a lost cause. maybe I could keep those paychecks coming. after all, that’s really why I’m here. isn’t it?
but it was strange … I know everyone must have heard about what happened (I mean, I disappeared all day. people notice things like that around here) but no one was acting differently. no one was even trying to avoid me. it was weirder than being ignored … it was like no one cared whether / was there or not as long as someone was there to dance. it was just like being out on the street earlier today, everyone was too busy thinking about the show to think about me.
it was very x-files. I felt invisible.
Makes sense in a way, I guess. after all, we have the biggest show of the year in like an hour. as long as everyone’s here and ready to perform, who cares about what happened today? at least for now.
it’s 7:40 now. Nice ’n Easy just finished “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” and ripped off their wicca gowns (they’re wearing rainbow-photoprint chaps now with zebra-print bikinis) for “Clue in, Dude.” we go on in 20 minutes.
Oh yeah, I just remembered. tito sent me that email that evan was coming over to his place to watch with him … And mom.
FRIDAY JULY 26
BACK AT THE RIHGA, 10:56 PM
(this time I’m paying my own way. who knew it was $300 a night? good thing we got paid last week and my atm card still works)
Outfit: I left my It’s Darcy!! tour jacket at the garden but I wish I still had it cause the AC is really strong in here and I’m freezing. full show makeup still on. track pants and microweave tee.
Mood: they haven’t invented a word for this mood.
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 9:05 PM
Subject: Who rules?
You were FABULOUS! You were amazing! That solo shit you did was incredible! How come you didn’t tell me you had a solo? Man, your hair is amazing!
Teetow
PS—Your mom came, but she was late and missed the show. She was really upset.
no surprise there. maybe she was on a date or something.
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Time: 10:59 PM
Subject: A list
this has been the most out-of-control day in my life. Today I
Is there some kind of planetary realignment thing going on? Will it be over soon? I can’t take the stress.
Kelly Kel
ok I should back up a little. where did I leave off? oh yeah, Nice ’n Easy in their l-wanna-be-mariah-really-bad outfits were finishing up.
we sat in the wings until the our beats started, about three minutes later. that announcer guy came on … (’ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for a journey to a special place, to a world where a boy can be a boy and a girl can be a girl …”) and we found our spots for the “real” cue, when she goes, “It’s Darcy,” which is when we basically have to bum rush her and start dancing our asses off.
maybe it was the tv cameras, or the extra pressure, or whatever, but … the energy was incredible.
everyone was on. everyone was hitting everything, darcy was hitting her notes, the crowd was really into it (I can tell now … back around St. Louis I couldn’t figure out if they were into it or screaming because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do … but now I can tell when they’re screaming because they’re really into it). anyway we got through the first section with no hitches at all. I noticed that the sound was the most perfect we’ve had the whole tour. it was like absolutely everything came together.
we were seriously giving the best concert we’d given all summer, and it was perfect timing considering we were on TV this time.
second set, perfect section. “Plucky” was the best we’d ever done it, by a lot. I even noticed darla, standing offstage, watching us with her mouth open like she couldn’t believe we were capable of this level. it was the look of someone who all of a sudden realized that what she’s created is now too big for her to control.
By the third section I was so psyched we were taping the show for pay-per-view. I knew tito was watching. I knew evan was watching. I knew mom was watching. THAT actually freaked me out for a second and I lost my concentration. but only for a beat.
but I couldn’t think about that. there wasn’t enough room in my brain. It was the middle of a perfect third set and we were truly KILLING IT in every sense. it was, excuse my French, the best motherfuckin’ show ever.
until I let myself go THERE at the exact wrong time.
wait there’s someone at my door. it better be that cheeseburger I just ordered.
FRIDAY JULY 26
THE RIHGA, 11:12 PM
ok it took me like 3 minutes to down that burger. still munching on fries now. they’re big, that kind with the skin still on ‘em. I love that. really salty. yum. ketchup rules.
Anyway, back to the horror story.
so we’re almost through the third section, up to where we do that reggae/dance hall version of “Cellular Love” (currently #3 with a bullet) and I am feeling it. and I start to feel myself going THERE. but for the first time, I feel like I can sort of keep a handle on it. like how rashid was telling me that first dress rehearsal in St. Louis about staying THERE without losing control. I was half floating, half focusing, and I knew I’d never danced better.
then, right after the first chorus (2 verses, 2 choruses, and a bridge to go), darcy’s jeans rip. you know, those skintight asymmetrical 80s jeans with the zipper up the ankle … in white? anyway they didn’t split straight up the back like Jessica Simpson that one time. they split at an angle. this asymmetrical seam that ran across her ass from upper left to lower right totally came apart. Diagonally. Picture it. her waistband and the upper section stayed put, but the bottom half sank. and there was the bottom half of her ass. it reminded me of the grilled cheese sandwich I’d had earlier. cut diagonally. only with a crack.
the thing is, I stayed THERE the whole time. like, I was watching this go on right in front of me, I was faced with darcy’s ass (she says she was wearing a nude thong but … whatever), I watched her stop dancing and freeze for a second, but I stayed THERE. I kept dancing.
and through the next verse, so did darcy. I gotta say, the girl’s a pro. the show must go on or whatever they used to say. doesn’t really change the fact that she shook her naked asymmetrical ass (er, make that nude-thonged ass) not only in front of an entire stadium of tweens, but an entire nation gathered in front of their pay-per-view screens. movie stars were watching. other pop stars were watching. her boyfriend was watching. record execs were watching. evan was watching (and how psyched was he?), my mother was watching (oh god). president bush was probably watching. it had to be a truly memorable TV moment. like, you could picture hearing about it on MTV’s year-end show and stuff.
but after the second verse, “Baby you know my daddy / Just tell me who’s my daddy / Let’s take it cellular!” she decided to bolt and change clothes. she patted me on the shoulder on her way off, kinda pushing me toward center stage. it all happened in the crystal-clear haze of being THERE … I knew what was happening but my body was so, like, tied to the music, like I was living inside it or something (oh god I’m starting to sound like Debbie Alien) that I didn’t give anything too much thought. I just kept pumping. and when she nudged me toward the spotlight, I slowly popped over there.
For a split second I thought no, no, no. this is a bad idea. How many times have I been reminded that this is Darcy’s show? How many times have I been reminded not to take center stage, EVER, even in rehearsals when darcy’s nowhere to be found?
But the show was suffering right now. Darcy was offstage. The audience had nothing to focus on. And darcy definitely pushed me into the spotlight. She WANTED me to take over.
and I went for it. all of a sudden I was improvising my way through the bridge (one of the backup vocalists took over darcy’s singing part… if I’d had a mike I’d probably have done the same thing) and the crowd started heating up even more. punch, punch, rebound … I was really pulling moves from I don’t know where. all I could see was the spotlight, all I could hear was the crowd. louder, louder.
the bridge ran out and it was into the final chorus, which I know perfectly well repeats three times into a fadeout, when we leave the stage to change for the encore. but instead of winding down, I was turning it up. the screams were like pushing me over the top. I just didn’t want the moment to end. three reps of the chorus turned into four and then five. I stayed THERE. the crowd continued to cheer, so I kept at it.
I knew I was on dangerous ground, but I didn’t know how to get out of it at this point.
until I caught a glimpse of rashid, which pulled me out of the whole thing. he wasn’t smiling. he was looking at me like CHILL! I noticed that all the other dancers had stuck to the program and had long since left the stage. but the crowd was chanting, “Go backup! Go backup!” like, “Go ricki Go ricki” and I heard another chorus winding up, so I tried to keep dancing.
but it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t THERE anymore. I looked back at rashid. he’d turned away. then I saw D-Run, Armand, and Tina staring at me.
then I saw darcy, standing there in new white jeans with her mouth open like somewhere between “wow! Thanks for saving my ass” and “you are amazing!” and “you bitch I hate you,” like somewhere between those fans out there and the darcy barnes darla wants her to be.
then I saw darla, offstage, with that LOOK on. turned up to volume 10. like THE LOOK.
I stumbled through a couple more bars, then headed straight offstage, straight to the dressing area to change for “Love You Like a Lollipop” (our first encore). the crowd was going crizazy, still chanting, “GO BACKUP! GO BACKUP!” we only have 60 seconds to change so no one had any time to say anything, but I could feel darla and the LOOK burning into me the whole time.
I kept it together on the outside, but inside I was completely freaking out, feeling really conspicuous and totally on autopilot. I think something inside me knew that I just had to let my body finish out the show and not think. it was my only option. besides I was sure I’d be fired. maybe all that disaster-prep thought from this afternoon would come in handy after all.
but seriously, don’t watch me while I change. it’s really humiliating being glared at like when you’re butt naked, bending over, changing your bra, trying to squeegee yourself into a harlequin bodysuit. it was like she was staring at me coming up with really insidious ways to get me back.
I didn’t even give myself the pleasure of thinking or saying “but I only did what darcy wanted … I mean the show must go on right” because I mean this is darla, it’s not like I can argue with her. I’m sure she thinks I planned on stealing my own moment in her baby’s show. whatever I can’t deal. obviously I’m screwed so what’s the point.
the encore went smoothly enough, everyone hit everything all right, but the entire crew was distracted. I was sooo happy when the encores were over. I bolted straight for the dressing room. I wanted to be out of there and back to the hotel before darla got back from tonight’s “Mama Knows Best” moment. I figured if I could put some more time between now and when darla confronts me, maybe she’ll chill a little. I started scrambling to get out of my bodysuit, and I even accidentally tore it under the arm. (damn, did I just do that?) I threw on my It’s Darcy!! tour jacket and headed for the door, that’s when I realized I didn’t know where I was going. I forgot we were changing hotels tonight. I hesitated for a moment, and darla burst in, stroking that freakin’ dog in that freakin’ purse.
Oh man, here it comes.
she goes, How dare you? HOW DARE YOU? How dare you conspire to steal my show … I mean my daughter’s show … directly out from underneath her? In front of an exclusive pay-per-view audience? who do you think you are? Don’t think I don’t know about your whole little master plan to take my place … I mean my daughter’s place! Shhh! Punkin! she hissed at the dog.
I was like what is she TALKING about? a master plan? the last thing I want to be is her daughter! but I didn’t say anything because darla was still talking:
Then the joyriding in the navigator. The side-by-side tanning. The masquerading with Jesse. The DUET! (I’m like damn I didn’t realize I was so conniving, stop touching your dog like that it’s gross.)
darla was still going at it. “and then you move in and steal what could be her biggest hit ever.”
(oddly, when she said that all I could think was I seriously don’t know that “Cellular Love” is going to be that big. I mean, it’s just not “Now That’s What I Call Music” material. but whatever.)
Then she goes below the belt, in true darla style. she goes, Have you simply not realized where you belong? I hear people say that you’re so real, and you think it’s a compliment. But don’t you see that “real” is just a nice way of saying you’re “average”? Don’t you get it? You have no special talent. you have a skill that any monkey could learn. sure, people tell you that you’re real. They never say you’re special.
I was like OUCH!
she goes, Perhaps I haven’t made myself clear. You will NEVER be the star. Understand?
because as of right now, you are fired. do you understand? unemployed. unwelcome. darcy and I both agree that not only are you not up to the level of talent and commitment that this show needs, but you are actually poisonous to the company. you are a virus, K.K. or whatever your real name is. Give me your pass. I was like I have a contract and she goes, Don’t make this worse because I can destroy you in this business.
I’m kinda like whatever, and she goes, You’ll never dance again if I have anything to say about it. she was getting really soap opera-y. I rolled my eyes.
but then she goes, hissing, Watch your step, Kimball. Leave quietly and forget your contract. I can ruin everything for you. Everything. I can ruin your life. Not to mention Evan’s.
that’s all she needed to say. she threatens to mess with Evan? I’m out of there. I have no idea what she knows about evan or anything, but evan is one thing I am NOT willing to risk.
a second cab-hailing and I’m back at the rihga, $300-plus poorer.
July 27, 2003
From the New York City Times-Herald Daily News
You figure it out…
… Which teenage trollop, so wiped out after a wildly successful on-air concert, reportedly collapsed into the arms of her equally limelight-friendly (but incognito, don’t you know) paramour après-gig, promising to spend the next three days hotel room-bound, ordering fried chicken and barbecue chips and watching public access TV? Hint: She also mentioned a craving for an unmentionable substance that might cause a champion munchie fest such as just described. Sources say her exhaustion was more than physical, citing “extensive backstage drama and tension,” so perhaps the herbal Rx is just what this girl wants.
So jesse was in town after all. Pothead.
SUNDAY JULY 24
TITO’S HOUSE, 7:30 AM (I’m still on east coast time I think)
Outfit: tito’s zebra-print boxer shorts and nothing else. It’s ok, tito’s already seen my boobs.
Hair: tito freaked out at how damaged it is. he’s gonna see if he has any deep-conditioning hair mask thingies later.
Mood: that kinda tired where you think you could happily spend four days in bed watching tv. or maybe four weeks.
Fortune: There’s no place like home. (I freaked out when I read this. I was like YEAH!! except I’m not at home. I’m at tito’s. which I guess feels more like home these days than carl’s and mom’s. not that I would know since I haven’t been there yet. I’d feel bad except I know evan’s away on that complimentary one-week nature-camp thing in utah someplace sponsored by the local sheriff’s department with the other kids in his school so there’s no reason for me to visit home.)
I don’t know how I managed it, but I made it home to San Diego last night at like midnight. without even so much as a goodbye from D-run, armand, or jes—s. not even rashid said goodbye. I left him three messages, but then I was out the door. I wonder why I didn’t hear back from him.
it was a pretty lonely plane ride. I was stuck in between a dutch backpacker who needed a shower and a woman who asked me at least three times whether I’d accepted Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. luckily I had my discman.
anyway I took a cab straight from the airport right to tito’s place—his messy, wonderful place. I crashed here last night. His mother doesn’t know I’m here yet. we might not tell her.
what can I say I just didn’t want to go home right away. I didn’t know what it would be like, and right now I need to chill. plus I need to figure out what to do about money. I’m not sure what I’m going to come out with. I mean, I definitely won’t get paid through my contract, so anything I have now is pretty much all I’ve got.
and it’s nowhere near enough for the martino school.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. we need that cash.
thank god for tito. he’s over there snoring. I’m wide awake and he’s snoring. it just doesn’t seem right that tito would snore but he does. really loudly. but I love him. he didn’t once ask “what are you going to do about the money” even though I know he was wondering about it.
it’s kinda nice to be able to think about things like that for a change. I am so sick of watching my ass. I am so sick of watching darcy’s ass. I am so sick of that quote-unquote pop star life.
MONDAY JULY 29
TITO’S HOUSE, 4 PM
Outfit: still in tito’s boxer shorts. I actually haven’t left the house in two days. just watching tons of tv and eating Popsicles. it’s exactly what I’ve been needing.
Hair: tito cut off like three inches last night. no more split ends thank god.
Mood: in hiding and loving it
They talked about me on MTV news last night. he was at the darcy barnes show and did this whole backstage thing (which I never even noticed them filming when I was there but whatever there are always so many people around those things) but when he was talking about the concert he was like blah blah darcy looked great and everything and blah blah but then he goes, “New York City and pay-per-view fans got an extra treat most tour attendees will miss this season when a gracious Darcy Barnes turned over the stage to breakout backup dancer K.K. Kimball for several minutes during Friday’s show at the famed Madison Square Garden. While the concert was already an amazing event that didn’t need any help from anyone, K.K. took things to a different level, bringing a sense of realness to the arena and proving herself to be headed for certain solo stardom one day. For her part, Darcy proved herself to be a class act by showcasing one of the other talented dancers in her show. It’s the mark of a great star, and the audience was crazy for it.”
I was like TURN that off! and he switched to E! and there was some gossip columnist talking about me all “she’s the latest scene-stealer on the teen circuit, and she’s au natural up top! stay tuned …” I was like omigod and he switched to Entertainment Tonight and there was some reporter talking about me, then on Extra there was another reporter who looked exactly like the last one, talking about me. then he switched back to MTV and this random chick came on camera with her name and age across the bottom of the screen: Andrea Boone, 14: “When that one dancer was up there, like, THAT was the best part of the show!” and then this other kid said the same thing. and then another one said it and her three friends all went “WOOOOOHOOOO!” all TRL style. tito and I looked at each other like no WAY! you got the TRL scream! he goes, “I have to go get out your chart, right away. You are going through WAY too much transition right now!”
turns out my chart says there’s nothing special going on. guess this is just my life.
I was like what about money? what’s it say about money?
he goes, Not so good. you better get off the couch and get back to work pretty soon.
I sank my head. how could I have blown such a sweet job.
the weirdest thing was, when we were watching tv, it really didn’t feel like all those people on TV were talking about ME. even though it was only a couple of days ago, I feel like it was a thousand years ago and it happened to someone else. only it didn’t. it happened to me.
MONDAY JULY 29
TITO’S, 5:30 PM
Fortune: Luck can strike twice. Good or bad.
I never thought it was over, that it was all over and I’d go back to my normal life. that is, until I checked my email at tito’s:
To: Kel_Kimball
From: EileenW_hitpatrol
Date: Monday July 29
Time: 5 :16 AM
Subject: Another gig, $$$
I heard about everything. I’m not sure where you are right now, but I hope you get this. Here’s the deal. I just got off the phone with Pashmina’s people. Did you know that Shania, the girl you replaced in the Darcy show, ended up going to Pashmina’s show? It was OK with her injury and all because they don’t dance as hard over there. But anyway Shania’s leaving the tour again, this time because she hooked up with Pashmina’s manager, who Pashmina was supposedly dating or something; anyway, they’re both totally fired. And you thought the drama was serious over at Darcy Live!! Anyway, there are still five weeks left on the “Pashmina with Love” tour and she saw Darcy’s pay-perview show and she heard about what happened afterward, and I told her how real you really are, and long story short she wants you to join her tour … so can you be in Chicago by Tuesday? Plenty of $$—more than you were getting I think plus the Pop-Tarts are opening how funny is that? I know the Pashmina doll doesn’t sell as well as the Darcy one (ha ha) but please call me on my cell as soon as you can.
oh man, here we go again. I figure, what the hell?
I hope tito was right when he told me to go for it. i mean, i knew I would, i guess. but I was still like DUDE I need to get OUT of that craziness don’t you think and he was like, “um, NO you dipshit it’s what you’ve always wanted to do and besides it’s only for the summer and you know I need you out there getting details.”
so I was like yeah but look what they’re saying about me on tv! and he was like “are *they* paying evan’s tuition? you’re going.”
yeah, he was right. what the hell, right?
WEDNESDAY JULY 31
BACKSTAGE AT THE CHICAGO CENTER, 7:45 PM (was just here a month ago with darcy. the security guard remembered me. ha ha.)
Outfit: they’re making me wear a grass green bodysuit with a diamond cut out of the middle so you see my belly button and what I like to call my under-cleavage. it’s bejeweled all around the cut. I have glitter in my hair and jewels running down my part. I have so much makeup on I smell like a drag queen. Tito would be proud or horrified. I’m not sure which.Fortune: Trust your instinct.
Tito just sent me this gossip item online:
From the New York Morning Star Herald-Tribune Post
Just asking …
… Which princess of pop, recently voted among the ten sexiest women in the world by a major British young men’s magazine, is less than confident about her natural beauty? Seems this divette spends nearly 7 hours in the makeup chair before any photos are allowed! One editor on a recent cover shoot for a glossy teenybopper magazine complained, “By the time Miss Thing was happy with her makeup, the sun had set. We had to cancel the shoot.”
He sure knows how to make me feel better when I’m nervous.
we go on in a half hour in front of 20,000 people. again. I “learned” the whole show today, in one day, but i’ve never done it all the way through. and I haven’t even met Pashmina yet.
WEDNESDAY JULY 31
CHICAGO HOTEL, 11:30 PM
Outfit: cloud pjs and black tank
Mood: relief
whew.
I just got back to the room. the show went all right. I stayed in the back and just followed everyone else. luckily it wasn’t that much for me … the guys dance a lot more than the girls in this show, mostly with their shirts off, which could be hot but it isn’t. most of us girls just writhe around and stuff. I would say it’s about ¼ as much dancing as in Darcy’s show … here we’re pretty much just strippers who keep their clothes on. also Pashmina obviously does a lot of slow songs too so when you break it down there isn’t all that much dancing to do.
anyway I didn’t screw up too bad. I just decided I would pretend it was like a rehearsal and just get everything right. I barely even noticed the crowd or anything like that. hey, I’d already seen enough crowds before, right? funny that sometimes the crowd can be like RIGHT THERE in your face and other times it’s like wallpaper in the background. tonight it was wallpaper.
anyway I was really trying not to fuck up, so I just paid attention to the other dancers and everything especially this one named Elena who’s really good. I mean, she’s not that good but her moves are really exaggerated and easy to follow and stuff. I mean, she IS good, but you know what I mean. whatever.
so meanwhile, even though I’ve danced behind her and even writhed around her leg once, I still haven’t really met Pashmina. well, sort of but not really. like after the whole entire show was over she came up to me with Bernie her big bodyguard dude and looked at me with this face packed FULL of makeup and gloss and glitter and shine and laminate and pencil and liner and lipstick and these lashes that actually made me want to stand back a couple of paces and she goes, “you’re K.K. right? I’ve heard about you. I’m not sure your outfit was working right tonight. see if they can refit you?”
I was about to go “it’s Kelly, actually” but Pashmina was already gone. so it’s gonna be like that. guess this diva isn’t looking for a best friend.
I wonder if she thinks I’m fat, like darla?
SlipKnotRules933111: dude whatsup
KellyKe1SoCal321: so much. you wouldn’t believe it. how was boot camp? how’s life without the twins
SlipKnotRules933111: actually I kind of miss them there’s not enough to hate around here at the moment. except just being here. Nature camp (not boot camp! Jeez!) was pretty cool. they kicked our asses but it was awesome being out there. we even saw a forest fire. I want to be a fire ranger now.
KellyKelSoCal321: no WAY! that is so COOL!
SlipKnotRules933111: have you seen that show More True Fire Ranger Disasters?
KellyKelSoCal321: no. should I?
SlipKnotRules933111: yes. it rules.
KellyKelSoCal321: when is it on
SlipKnotRules933111: I forget. say hi to darcy for me
KellyKelSoCal321: I can’t dude I don’t work for her anymore. I’m in Chicago with Pashmina.
SlipKnotRules933111: huh? Pashmina who? I think that show’s on Wednesday now that I think about it but it might be Thursday
KellyKelSoCal321: evan pay attention. I just found out we’re playing in san diego in a couple of days.
SlipKnotRules933111: you and darcy are coming to san diego?
KellyKelSoCal321: no, Pashmina
SlipKnotRules933111: huh?
KellyKelSoCal321: forget it. good night evan.
yeah it’s true. we’re playing the Junior Miss Teen United States pageant or something in San Diego Sunday night. I have to tell tito! he can make sure evan and mom come to the show.
THURSDAY AUGUST 1
THE BUS, 11:30 PM
Outfit: Pashmina with Love windbreaker, cutoff skate.shorts.
Fortune: Steady as she goes.
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Thursday August 1
Time: 11:31 PM
Subject: The Pashmina Scene
First of all Pashmina’s bus is way nicer than Darcy’s. she has a steam shower and a king-size bed and two tvs and two refrigerators. half the bus is her closet and dressing room. it’s all animal prints and mirrors. mirrors everywhere actually. except I don’t get to ride on it. only hector her, um, “boyfriend” gets to stay on that one, at least when Pashmina’s not “hanging out” with another guy or something. or when hector is. last night we pulled over in the middle of the night so he could get off our bus and onto her bus. hector’s kinda like Pashmina’s fake boyfriend. except, um, how do I say this … hector’s not really into any of the girls here. he’s into the boys. at least I think so. I mean, all the boys seem to be into each other. in fact, everyone seems to be into everyone else here and I can’t figure out what’s going on. plus everyone bolts right after the show to go out to gay bars. even the girls go to the gay bars. I guess it’s because the music is better or something.
Second of all Pashmina’s dancers aren’t any nicer than darcy’s. I think that whole thing about dancers all being best friends and everything is a big load. there are total cliques and everyone’s competitive and harsh on each other and everything else. not to mention someone already stole my All-American rejects cd. or else I lost it. but I think someone stole it. third of all Pashmina isn’t the nicest kid on the block. well it’s not so much that. it’s just that all she does is work I guess and doesn’t hang that much. and when she does hang she just talks about herself. I feel bad for her she seems really really exhausted. and everyone thinks she’s so skanky.
I mean, I know I thought she was a skank before, but now I don’t know. she’s a strange one, but she’s kinda scared of her own shadow. and she’s no more skanky than half the girls we know at school. ok she wears way skankier outfits, especially onstage, and that’s pretty nasty, but she’s not like screwing every guy in sight to try and get them to like her. I guess she seems lonely or something. then again that might have to do with the fact that she can be such a raving BIOTCH. Especially when she doesn’t get her Arby’s Beef ’n Cheddar Deluxe and Mr. Pibb. anyway I’ve pretty much got the dances down for this show. but to be honest with you I’m not trying that hard. the dances aren’t that complex, and my heart isn’t in it. maybe it’s these clothes. have you seen how tacky they are? but like I say the dances are way easy compared to darcy’s. and no one’s there to see them anyway. they come to hear her SING, actually sing. and I gotta tell you her voice is really amazing. say whatever you want about her but that girl can WAIL! LOUD! and long! she is all about hitting those big huge notes and hanging on to them for like ever. the audience FREAKS! and it’s weird because she’s soooo small. like a size zero. except for her hair. if you can call it hers. ha ha.
I guess when you’re that small you feel like you gotta dress, like, harder or something. like this girl dresses like a straight-up HO sometimes. (voulez vous couchez avec moi?) she’s always making the stylists and everyone give her smaller, sexier, sluttier clothes. you’d think it would be all her handlers and whatever who are really pushing her that way … but the truth is she’d be in hot shorts and pasties if it were up to her. There’s something really cool about it though … it’s like she’s doing what she wants, you know? or more to the point, doing what sells. and say what you want, the girl is banking, fo’ rizzle.
no annoying stage mothers, at least not as far as I can tell. in fact, there’s hardly any evidence of Pashmina’s family at all. I think her parents were divorced and Pashmina grew up with her dad. I’m not sure what the story is with her mom, someone told me they barely know each other. people always whisper when they talk about Pashmina’s past. like it was a rough childhood or something.
there are all these industry people lingering around. They act like they want to be in the sopranos or something. like, total wannabe mobsters. some of them are cute. but they freak me out. it’s like the men in black but kinda rougher. and the thing is everyone seems really scared of Pashmina. like, the men in black at It’s Darcy!! were focused on being really protective of darcy. the crew at Pashmina with Love are more focused on not pissing her off. know what I mean.
oh yeah and there’s this whole contingent of department store queens flittering around her all the time spritzing her with essential oils and stuff. oh, did I mention Pashmina has a new cosmetics line called Wet.
the choreographer, Jilly, has been working me out pretty hard, but it’s cool I guess. I need to know the dances, right? and I know I need the money from this gig. look at me all “gig” like I’m a show business pro now. that’s me, Kelly Kimball, rock star. whatever. anyway I get no free time and neither does Jilly until I know everything. you can imagine how psyched jilly is about that. whatever, she’s pretty cool. very intense. no jokes. I even tried to bust on darcy and Pashmina’s piercings and she wouldn’t bite at all. not even a smile. but she’s a good teacher. she moves fast, like I do. so am I having fun? I don’t know. they’re totally keeping me away from the press, which is good, because I heard that all these darcy fans are HATING me right now or something and I really wouldn’t know what to say about it anyway. like anyone has any clue what happened. freaks. but it is really really weird to know that all these people are like putting up websites about you, well not really about you because they don’t know you and they get the story messed up, all saying how much they hate you and everything it’s crazy. like, could they please get a life? but it’s like you can’t fight back because you don’t even know who to talk to. so whatever I’m just going from van to hotel to bus to van to venue to hotel to van to studio to wherever.
it’s cool since we’re going to all the cities I’ve already been to this summer. the last show is in St. Louis, you know, Pashmina’s hometown. it’s not so good for my tan, though, being inside all the time, and Pashmina’s not feeling the whole side-by-side tanning session vibe. (what can I say I got used to having a natural glow!) she seems pretty, like, hard if you ask me. like, darcy seems like this showbiz kid who was kept young. Pashmina is this showbiz kid who was an adult before her time. there’s a real difference, know what I’m saying?
oh yeah and I’m riding on the dancers’ bus. in a bunk. a bottom bunk. under tywan. yes, that’s his name. he’s from Vancouver. (so far I’ve counted five buses. one of them got broken into in june so they’re all bulletproof now.) did I mention that for her second encore she sings, um, “Papa Can You Hear Me” by Barbra Streisand? it’s too weird.
no confirmation on any piercings. yet. but you know I’ll be keeping you posted. information appears to be forthcoming as Pashmina seems prone to dressing in zip-up hoodies with nothing underneath. Ew!
xo
FRIDAY AUGUST 2
INDIANAPOLIS (I THINK), 3:36 PM
Hair: have you ever tried to wash your hair on the bus?
Fortune: Some days are better than others. Some aren’t.
Pashmina handed this to me this morning in my hotel room:
SOUR GRAPES MAKE SOUR WINE
… Seems Darla Barnes, beloved mama-san of teen pop queen Darcy Barnes, has become more than just a nuisance to her baby girl’s biggest chart and tour rival, Pashmina and is threatening to sue the competing camp for creative copyright infringement. The meddling matriarch claims that when “Pashmina with Love” hired a backup dancer who’d just left “It’s Darcy,” the choreography took on more than just an incidental resemblance to Darcy’s.
Experts say Darla has no case, but it certainly adds more fuel to the “copycat” fire, which Pashmina especially despises. Insiders speculate Darla’s bizarre behavior could be sour grapes—after all, Pashmina’s show is the one that truly proved the pundits wrong and sold stronger than all predictions. $42 mil and counting, thank you very much.
oh man, I thought. I’m nowhere near Darla and she’s still talking about me.
Pashmina goes, all hard, This Darla woman. Can you turn her off?
I go, I wish I could, I’m sorry, I can’t believe this.
she goes, We don’t need these bad vibes here k.k. see what you can do about it.
I was like ok, I sure will. Pashmina turned around and left.
what could I possibly do about darla? nothing. and Pashmina was right … there are some real bad vibes following me around right now. but I don’t know what to do about it. bitch.
I crawled onto the middle of my king-size bed and closed my eyes. all I want to do here is dance.
I sat there, cross-legged, with my head in my hands. I wanted to call someone, but I didn’t know who to call. tito? evan? rashid? mom? would anyone understand?
I let my mind wander over my ever-more-confusing sitch and realized I’d started to hum. I closed my eyes and swayed back and forth slowly, imagining dad with a guitar, singing to me.
“All the leaves are brown / and the sky is gray …”
soon I was singing along with dad in my head, then I realized I was singing for real. eyes still closed, I started to turn up the volume. “Caaaalifornia dreamin’ …”
soon I was standing on the bed, belting out the melody. I guess I figured if I sang loud enough, I’d be able to block out all the other noise … darla, Pashmina, darcy, evan …
as I came off the second chorus, I realized I was hearing a harmony against my melody, and for a split second I was like wow I have a great voice! but then I realized I wasn’t alone.
I opened my eyes and there stood Pashmina, singing with me, with a big ol’ smile on her face.
I clamped my mouth shut. “hi” she goes. Hey I heard you out in the hallway and your door was open. you’re good. your voice is good with mine. she goes I need to figure out how to deal with the harmony in the bridge of “Girls Want It, Part 2” for when we do it at the pageant in San Diego. do me a favor, sing this …
she hummed a phrase, I mimicked her.
she goes, ok, again. this time I’ll come in with a harmony.
I did, and she did, and it sounded amazing. she had a big grin on her face.
Wow, she goes. That sounds good.
our eyes connected. there’s something about harmonizing with someone. it’s like your voice and their voice make a totally new voice that doesn’t belong to either one of you. very cool.
we locked eyes and did it one more time. was she really going to ask me to sing with her in san diego? I felt like I was off the hook for that whole darla situation.
suddenly her grin left her face. You’re good, she said, But I think I’ll sing along to a track of myself on Sunday. anyway, see you later at the show. and she left.
urn, ok.
KellyKelSoCal321: I got tickets for you and mom
SlipKnotRules933111: for what
KellyKelSoCal321: for the show in san diego on Sunday.
SlipKnotRules933111: what about tito?
KellyKelSoCal321: yeah him too. :-) that’s cute you thought of him.
KellyKelSoCal321: I’m not sure where the show is you have to look it up online ok? can you remember? Sunday night. the tickets will be at the box office or whatever waiting for you. I’ll email more info.
SlipKnotRules933111: k
KellyKelSoCal321: got all that?
KellyKelSoCal321: got all that?
SlipKnotRules933111: I’m not an idiot
KellyKelSoCal321: no you’re just a delinquent
SlipKnotRules933111: ha ha
KellyKelSoCal321: I’ll make sure u get passes backstage too. don’t forget to come back after the show. and don’t forget to tell tito, ok?
SUNDAY AUGUST 4
GRAND HOTEL
SAN DIEGO, 11:11 PM
(it is so weird to be in my hometown and be staying in a hotel.)
Outfit: black t-shirt bedazzled with 666 across the front.
Mood: big pimpin’ in san diego. yeah, right.
the Miss Teen United States show—we performed during the swimsuit competition—was sort of a bust. the acoustics SUCKED and everyone was off tempo. it was almost embarrassing. still Pashmina managed to pull out her voice and improvise and totally saved the show so we weren’t humiliated. in fact she came off looking brilliant. it was just the rest of us who bit. ugh whatever, I heard she has a heavy flow, so there. (I can be so juvenile in my head. love it.)
after the show I was hanging out backstage, changing, kind of watching out for evan and tito and mom. I changed my clothes, took off my makeup, washed my hands, put an avocado/jojoba/ragweed conditioner in my hair (I wanted to make tito proud), even read a couple of magazines waiting for them. the other dancers started to pack up and leave. pretty soon there was hardly anyone left around.
I read another magazine. there was this huge article with darcy barnes in it. she seriously goes, “It is so hard to keep friends in this business. You never know when people will turn on you.” I was like ugh whatEVER.
still no evan or tito or mom. where is everyone?! I was about to call tito’s mom (which he FORBIDS me to do) to find out what’s up when I hear tito screaming: “HEY DIVA!!”
I spun around and saw them walking toward me. I ran in their direction. I was like, “Hi omigod it’s sooo good to see you … yay you made it to the show!! I know I know the show totally sucked, I’m sorry …”
no one said anything.
then mom goes, baby it’s so good to see you I miss you there’s so much going on oh you look so great honey! and l’m so sorry blah blah.
I’m like sorry for what.
and she goes, “oh sweetie don’t you know we missed the show tonight. we thought it was starting later. I guess they tape it earlier than they show it or something I don’t know but we got here and the show’s over and I guess we had the wrong information.”
my shoulders slumped. I was like you missed the show?
all three of them nodded in unison.
tito was like “we’re sorry.”
I dropped my head. It’s ok, I said.
I guess I was used to mom missing my shows.
actually, no I wasn’t. I was pretty pissed but I kept quiet while mom kept talking
she goes, I’m so sorry baby. I love you so much, there’s just so much going on. carl is gone, we have to move in like the next 2 weeks. I just don’t know how we’re going to afford our own place. and evan’s school. Carl’s moving to LA, which is good because we can’t leave san diego and I’ve been temping and I’m applying to get back into teaching in the fall but it’s probably only going to be substitute for a year and I can’t believe I quit working to take care of that man’s kids I mean there were times that he really scared me, but … sweetie look at your hair it’s so cute and you look great I missed you so much. I don’t know what happened sweetie. I just got lost. I just didn’t want a second marriage to go bad. I know it’s not my fault, I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t get along with them. honey look how skinny you are I miss you. what are we going to do about evan and his school?
I mumbled about how I had some money put aside for evan, about how this summer I’d saved almost $4,000 for his tuition.
evan wandered off right then. tito goes, “wow that’s a lot.”
mom said no, you keep that. that won’t help. then she said that was about $12,000 short for the year. she said the twelve-thousand-dollars part really slow. it was like she was announcing it to an audience or something. That won’t help, she said. she started to sniffle.
I was seething. not only could she not make it to my show to see me dance, she can’t even appreciate what I’m doing for evan. I wasn’t sure if I was more mad at myself or at her.
mom, you know what? thanks for missing my show. I’ll let you know when I’m back in town. tito, evan, later. I turned and walked out. forget this, I thought.
on my way out the door I walked past Pashmina’s dressing room. the door was ajar, and I could see her there, alone, staring into the mirror and pulling off her fake eyelashes. she looked even lonelier than I was. she looked at me in the mirror, then looked back at herself. I left.
I went back to the hotel by myself. there I had the most beautiful view of the san diego harbor. this was my hometown, and I was atop it. all by myself.
so this is what success feels like, I thought.
there’s someone at the door, hold on.
SUNDAY AUGUST 4
GRAND HOTEL
SAN DIEGO, 11:55 PM
That was Pashmina at the door.
Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, she had no makeup at all on, and she was wearing nothing but one of the hotel’s brown terry robes. it swallowed her up. I was amazed at how different she looked out of costume, she was small, with big eyes, she looked like ET. (but a lot prettier, if she’s reading this.) anyway she goes, “hi” and her voice was really really soft, kinda shaky and nervous.
I go, Hi.
she goes, Listen I don’t want to make a big deal out of this but I overheard you and your mom talking in the dancers’ dressing room earlier and I just want you to know I know what you’re going through and she hands me an envelope. “I know what it’s like when your family is all crazy like that. this is for your brother. don’t thank me, and do me a favor and let’s not talk about this again.
and she left. she was there only like 30 seconds and never really looked me in the eyes the whole time. she came and went so fast I wasn’t sure she had actually been there. I didn’t know what just happened.
then I remembered the envelope in my hand. I opened it up and found two checks … one from “Pashmina with Love, Inc.” for $10,000 and one from her personal checking account for $2,000. $12,000 altogether.
I was pretty stunned. but all I could think about was how mean I was to my mom tonight.
FRIDAY AUGUST 23
ON THE BUS
JUST LEFT MIDLAND, TX, 11 PM
Outfit: Don’t laugh … cowboy hat. what can I say I look pretty good in it.
Hair: ok, ok, I have braids in too. I know, I know.
Mood: Oddly relaxed.
I haven’t written much, haven’t had time. we’ve done 6 shows a week, and my days off I was in a coma. was I just in San Diego?
but we’re in the home stretch.
I haven’t spoken to mom, but I managed to get tito on the phone for a couple of minutes on Tuesday night I think it was. he said he’d seen my mom a few times since I was in san diego and that she’s doing ok. I was like tito you’re the best. and he is.
I told him about the money. he was amazed. I told him not to tell anyone but I bet he’ll tell my mom.
this tour is way different than darcy’s. people keep their heads down here. I was the only one who cracked up when we were watching TV on the bus and there was this shot of Pashmina saying “I’d love to go to the Monte Carlo Music Awards. Where are they being held this year?” everyone was like too scared to giggle or anything. it was weird. you would have thought people could find some comedy there.
also with darcy I never had to, like, wait for the bathroom on the bus or anything … I was riding with darcy. this time I’m with seven other dancers and four band guys (the rest of the band has another bus. yep, she travels with a full band …) so it’s really interesting when we crash at night, er, try to crash at night. it’s not like everyone’s making out with everyone else. but of course there’s one couple on the tour, the d-run and tina if you will, and they’re noisier by the night. then there’s the basic “we’re all sleeping in the same place” giggling or fighting or farting or whatever. it’s like no sleep till we get where we’re going. it’s not exactly a playful group, just a busy one.
the only sucky thing is Pashmina hasn’t even really let me say “thanks” or anything for the money she gave me. I mean, I went to my bank first thing the next morning (good thing I was in san diego) and opened up a new account so it could earn some interest before evan’s tuition was due.
anyway so evan doesn’t have to worry but every time I’ve tried to corner Pashmina to thank her she’s been really cold, like “I can’t talk now.” once she even said “don’t worry it was tax-free and I can write it off” so I just scribbled her a thank-you card and gave it to her bodyguard and gave up. and I never heard another word about it.
I found out later that she’s actually opening a career center for recently released juvenile delinquents in her hometown. which I have to say is pretty cool.
SATURDAY AUGUST 24
STILL ON THE BUS, 12:30 AM
something came over the radio like 20 minutes ago … there are reports that darcy barnes and jesse nixon were killed in a car crash.
I’m worried. I guess I do care after all.
I’ve been trying to page darcy but getting no response. damn I don’t even know if I have the right number.
I borrowed the bassist’s satellite modem hookup and emailed her, too. he wouldn’t let me surf for news, though … he said his battery’s been running out too fast lately and he needs to save energy so he can email his daughter in the morning.
also he said it’ll just make us all more freaked out because we’ll find conflicting information and no one knows the real story yet so why make yourself more crazy by surfing around when you won’t find anything any faster than the people at the radio station? why not wait for the official news?
I was like whatever. that’s my friend. I just pulled on my headphones and turned up my Dido CD and stared out the window watching the headlights racing by.
SATURDAY AUGUST 24
HOUSTON RITZ
HOUSTON, 11 PM
Outfit: still in the cowboy hat but have big fat sunglasses now. didn’t sleep much last night was just worried about darcy. I mean she’s my friend even though we left on really bad terms and everything. anyway we found out this morning at 3 AM that it was definitely not true … actually they were together at hogs ‘n heifers all night.
Mood: Cranky. see not sleeping comment above.
Fortune: it’s true … things happen in threes.
I was so relieved that darcy wasn’t dead.
but we got some even more important news this morning when we pulled into the hotel in Houston.
Pashmina was shoveling down a little tub of Kozy Shack when she climbed onto our bus before anyone could get off and goes, “ok we’re postponing our Mobile and Birmingham shows this coming week because we’re going to new york to be on the new divas alive. I’ll be flying on Wednesday, the rest of you will drive up leaving monday. we begin rehearsals on Wednesday night.”
at first I was like omigod am I gonna meet gwen stefani or faith or maybe mariah? am I at least gonna meet Gloria Estefan? she’s always at those things!
then I was like probably not. we’ll all be shoved into the tackiest back greenroom as usual. backup dancers are always like totally ignored by everyone else. kinda like opening acts.
then it hit me. oh no. OH NO! that means everyone’s going to be in the same room together. everyone. Me. Darcy, who could hate me as far as I know … and I don’t know for sure, not having spoken to her since … you know. Pashmina. Darla who will not leave me alone no matter what I do. Jesse who probably has crabs. Rashid who will know what to say if I manage to score a second with him. Jesus, Armand, D-Run, the Tinas who will all ignore me. maybe the elusive, accident-prone Shania will make an appearance, who the hell knows?
is this good news? or bad news? or just a reminder that the drama really doesn’t stop?
anyway, so then I was flipping through the TV and came across an episode of oprah.
it was all about mothers and daughters and I know you don’t have to think too hard to know who were the featured celeb guests. Darcy and Darla.
Oprah said that according to a recent poll, darcy is considered “inspiring” by more people than God.
There was mad tension between them. I mean when they sang “Mama Knows Best” they were both like clenching their jaws and everything. usually darcy’s got the whole smiley kitty-cat eyes blinking all tweetybirdish being all “Mama knows what’s best …” but this time she was like staring darla down the whole time and gritting her teeth. very strange. I think oprah noticed too because she goes, “wow that was big! big, big big! back in a minute.”
For the first time in my life I didn’t dive for the remote when a commercial came on. I just lay there, alone on a king-size bed (everything’s bigger in Texas) and let the weight-loss pill ad wash over me while I thought about Darcy. what would she be like if she had a different mother? would she be more normal? would she still be a star? would she be more like me?
what if I had a different mother? would I have been less mean to her?
anyway after the commercial they came back in and they were talking about the transition from being the mother of a teen to being the mother of an adult or something. all I know is TWICE darcy said, “It’s really really liberational to realize what feelings you have that are really yours and what feelings you have that you have been taught to have.”
I was like “liberational”?
oprah goes so you’re kind of looking at yourself and separating your nature from your nurture … finding out who you are independent of your family and mother” and darcy goes yeah I guess something like that and then she goes and I’m also starting to make my own choices, including choosing my own friends. now she was REALLY glaring at darla.
and something about the way she said it made me think she was talking about me. I don’t know why. maybe it’s because I’ve always known that if it was up to darcy I wouldn’t have been fired. but darla got paranoid and did it for her and now she’s got no one on the tour to hang out with anymore.
it made me want to see her. but at the same time it made me really nervous about seeing her.
I realized I was humming “be with me reality.”
I had a quick IM with evan.
KellyKelSoCal321: want to come to new york next weekend?
SlipKnotRules933111: sure sounds fun
KellyKelSoCal321: that’s it?
SlipKnotRules933111: what?
KellyKelSoCal321: see you next friday.
THURSDAY AUGUST 29
BACK AT THE RIHGA ROYAL, 4:17 PM
(when Pashmina found out that’s where darcy was staying she made sure we did, too … so Pashmina could reserve a bigger room)
Outfit: official “Pashmina with Love” tour jacket, not because anyone’s making me wear it, but because I want to.
Mood: Ask again later.
I’m doing my best to avoid watching too much TV … the last thing I need to see is a promo for this big show. It’s like they’re advertising my own personal Armageddon. Not that it’s definitely going to be a disaster, but lord knows it could be.
still sort of in awe about Pashmina’s unexpected kindness. I sorta stopped trying to mention it to her, but it kind of, well, humbled me.
made it through the whole day of blocking and rehearsals and sound checks and stuff without running into darcy. or darla. thank god. I think I saw her once, way back in the theater, while we were rehearsing, and it looked like she was giving me the LOOK but I’m not sure, maybe I could have imagined it.
FRIDAY AUGUST 30
BACKSTAGE AT THE GARDEN, 3 PM (did I mention we were taping this at the Garden?)
Outfit: still in my Pashmina with Love tour jacket
Hair: so far no one’s touched it today, so far.
Mood: at breakfast, optimistic, now, kinda terrified. Fortune: Begin at the beginning. And never end.
had the most amazing donut this morning for breakfast, ok I had two. Pashmina’s bodyguard brought them to us from the Donut Pub on 14th St. they were incredible. Like not too greasy, but nice and gooey.
I stuck my head in the media room where there was a closed-circuit tv hooked up to—get this—a joint press conference darcy and Pashmina were giving together down at Planet Hollywood. I was like WHAT?!?! I guess it was a good publicity stunt, though, it coulda been a catfight.
but they totally hugged and told everyone they were really, really, truly good friends and everything. I snickered. they said were united in their love for Celine Dion, who the show is supposedly in honor of. I snickered again.
I started thinking how weird it was that I didn’t even know they were doing this press conference. Back in the day, darcy would have made me go with her except for that one time at the Krispy Kreme. mmm donuts. anyway all these reporters were asking them questions: (Reporter: “Darcy what’s next for you?” Darcy: “I’m going to take it to the next level!” Reporter: “Pashmina how did you come up with your new image?” “Omigosh we just decided to straighten my hair! Dang! Image is just so overrated you guys!”)
Then some reporter asked what they’d be performing at the show. Pashmina (in full stage makeup, which, let’s face it, can be scary at a press conference) said that she would be opening the show with “Girls Want It, Pt. 2.”
Darcy started laughing.
Pashmina looked at her like, What?
darcy giggled a little, then said, that would be really cool! but seriously, tho, I’ll be opening the show tomorrow night with “Last Laugh.”
Pashmina looked at her like she was insane.
they both gave nervous giggles before Pashmina saved it, “guess we have to go backstage and diva out after all” and laughed it off. but it was clear there was a very serious problem afoot.
within moments cell phones around the room erupted. I slipped out.
we were on break so I took off to meet evan. his flight had landed about an hour before, and I’d asked the hotel to send a car service to pick him up. he felt so important. we didn’t talk about home, we didn’t talk about the show, we just ate grilled cheeses and talked about America’s Most Wanted. it was great.
on our way back to the garden I wondered what had happened with darcy and Pashmina. it was totally one of those situations that I was so glad I was not actually a part of.
then I got back to the garden and found out I actually was a part of it.
FRIDAY AUGUST 30
GARDEN, 6:30 PM
Outfit: Pashmina prides herself on her creative input. today that means we all have to wear pastel competition ballroom dancing dresses with peekaboo valentines cut out of the butt. mine is green. Humiliating and impractical!!
Mood: ever notice how “mood” is actually “doom” spelled backward?
I had just changed into this hideous dress (see above) when Bernie the Big Bodyguard Dude grabs my shoulder and goes, Pashmina needs you onstage. I was like, did I miss a rehearsal and he just goes, come with me.
he walked me, fast, through the halls. I felt like I was going to the principal’s office, only scarier.
he walked me through a door to the stage area. we wound our way through the scaffolding and past the stage manager’s station. I could hear darcy’s valley girl texas voice (it’s gotten more texas I noticed) going, “Look, all I know is they promised me the opener. I wouldn’t have agreed to do the show otherwise.”
she sounded pretty serious. I’m like oh no, I don’t want to be here right now …
I stopped, but Bernie nudged me along.
there was a long pause, then about 40 voices started chattering all at once.
we rounded the corner and entered, stage left. it was so dramatic. in the middle of the massive, black-lacquered stage, there was a table and two chairs. they looked like they were floating on a superdeep black pool of water. everything reflected perfectly off the shiny stage.
in the two chairs were Darcy and Pashmina, facing each other like they were the president of the united states and the premier of china at a summit. they had their backs straight and their claws OUT. I couldn’t figure out which one of them was blonder.
both of them had full battle makeup and hair, already prepped for their shows, but both were in identical white robes. darcy’s robe was too small and her boobs were all over the place but then, it wouldn’t be darcy without some cleavage. Pashmina’s robe was too big. she was swimming in it. like it was her dad’s or boyfriend’s or something.
darcy had nine dancers behind her (I noticed they hadn’t bothered to replace me) and Pashmina had seven. there were all these men in black … males and females, some sopranos style and some traditional. eileen was there, pacing, mumbling. I saw rashid in the background, he winked at me.
everyone was talking at each other or making that sucking-on-your-teeth sound or frantically dialing their cell phones.
darla was just standing there about four paces behind darcy, mumbling silently, facing me but looking at the back of darcy’s head … then she moved her glance up to Pashmina and I could see her mouthing “how dare she how dare she” then she glanced up, saw me, and glazed over with the most intense LOOK she’s probably ever mustered up. suddenly I felt really cold, especially right around the peekaboo valentine cutout part of my costume.
Bernie nudged me toward the table to join the other dancers behind Pashmina.
just then Pashmina leaned forward, looked down at the table, and whispered something superquietly.
no one heard her so everyone was like shh! SHH! SHHHH! what did she say? and it got SILENT in there and everyone leaned in and she said it again, superquietly.
“I open or I don’t sing.”
a moment of silence, then the place erupted. Panic. eileen wang was pacing like a maniac, going a mile a minute “we can work this out … we can work this out … we can work this out … ok … nobody panic, nobody panic.” several of the men in black started shouting into their cells. the soprano wannabes were just shaking their heads and feeling the insides of their jackets. darla let out this groan, really really deep, like, “aauuuuugh!” darcy just smiled.
this man in black leaned in and whispered something into her ear. she goes, “really!” and he goes, yeah, and whispered something else and then she whispered back, “you’re right.” she goes, “thanks so much!” and looked up at me. like, directly into my eyes.
everyone followed her gaze, all eyes on me now.
you know what? goes Darcy to Pashmina but still looking at me, Fine. you can open with one condition. I want only one thing. I want Kimball. I want her off your tour and back on mine.
I’m gagging, but I’m silent. Inside, I’m like WHAT? but outside, I’m shrinking into myself, smaller and smaller.
everyone else in the room was like Kimball, Kimball? who’s Kimball? why do I know that name? Kimball, Kimball … what is it? who is it?
Pashmina leans in again, everyone shuts up again.
that’s it? that’s all you want? just k.k.? that’s it? Fine, whatever. she’s yours. AFTER she does my opener.
I was thinking what do you mean “that’s it?” what do you mean “whatever”? don’t you want me to stay?
then I realized EVERYONE IN THE PLACE suddenly knew what “Kimball” meant and they were all looking at me again. I soooo wanted to disappear right then. my whole strategy for this show, to stay low and tight and outta sight, was toast.
then I heard darla NO! NO! darcy! under no circumstances! listen to me. this is your mama speaking! I won’t hear of it! I won’t have that girl in our company. she started walking toward darcy, all, I won’t have it is that clear? are you listening to your mama?
darla was striding confidently, strong, stroking that freakin’ bug-eyed dog of hers punkin the Pekinese. “no this will not happen. darcy I need to see you alone please. NOW.” she walked right up to darcy, reaching out like she was going to take darcy by the elbow and lead her out. “Stand up, darcy.”
darcy stood up, but instead of locking arms with darla, she threw up her hand in front of darla like a roadblock, barking “forget it.” but darcy never took her eyes off me. she was boring into me. it was cool she was ignoring her mother and controlling her mother and keeping focused on me all at the same time. but it was a little scary, too.
darla, LOOK-enhanced darla, darted her eyes from darcy to me and back again.
darcy goes, “K.K.?” I just stared back. still staring. staring back and forth not blinking. It was like when evan and I were in the backseat and dad would offer ten cents to whoever won a staring contest between us two just to keep us quiet but he always won because I was never really good at it. but this time I did ok, no blinks. I didn’t answer her, I just stared. darcy goes, “then it’s settled. I’ll expect you in my dressing room immediately after Pashmina’s opening number. immediately. lordy we’ll need to completely redo your hair and makeup.”
and I was kinda terrified and overwhelmed and I really didn’t know what the hell was going on but something about the way darcy was talking to me was like, I just went “ok” and then she gave me this teeny little smile but I recognized it and all of a sudden I was psyched.
I looked over at darla and saw that the LOOK had started to … um how can I put it …. jiggle. fast. not like how it would jiggle if she were sobbing or giggling, more like somewhere in between having had too much caffeine and trying to chew gum really really fast so you chew the sugar out so you can blow bubbles faster than whoever you’re racing. also she was stroking Punkin the Pekinese really fast. his buggy eyes kept squinting up with each stroke as she pulled his skin up over his eyes from underneath. it was kinda gross. anyway so darla was jiggling. and with each jiggle the LOOK started to come apart.
“NO!” she hissed. “Darcy! No!”
she was just jiggling away and pixilating out, and it felt like it started to happen in slow motion or something because I started having the feeling that I had been standing there watching the LOOK turn to something that normally holds suspended fruit. it was not as much like the wicked witch melting thing in the Wizard of Oz as it seems. which was too bad considering what a nice tie-in that would have been. it was more like a staticky VHS recording.
darla took two paces back, struggling now to maintain even just a little bit of the LOOK.
“darcy?” she seethed, eyes now shifting to the back of darcy’s hair.
“guys?” commanded darcy, motioning for a couple of men in black to go stand next to darla. not to like escort her out or anything more like to support her if she tipped over. but also maybe to stand in between her and darcy, you know, just in case anyone started swinging.
oh god imagine that.
anyway she and Pashmina stood up at the same time, spun around, and led their troops offstage. I just stood there for a second, watching darcy walk out.
darla reached out and grabbed darcy’s arm saying don’t do this baby trust mama. darcy just brushed off darla’s arm (knocking Punkin the Pekinese on the head while she was at it, I was happy to notice, sorry PETA) and kept walking.
Just then, I noticed rashid again. he gave me one of his winks, and suddenly everything made sense.
FRIDAY AUGUST 30
STILL AT THE GARDEN, AROUND 8:15 PM
Outfit: Back in an “It’s Darcyu” tour jacket. Darcy gave me a new one since I threw the last one away.
Hair: My hair needs a SERIOUS break. it’s been the longest summer of its life.
Fortune: Fame is addictive.
after the Pashmina performance (in which she first sang “Girls Want lt, Pt. 2” and then did a duet of “Over the Rainbow” with The Dixie Chicks, oh yeah and the lighting was really messed up and she kept having to chase the spotlight …) heard she was rude to the crew or something …) anyway after that I busted into Darcy’s dressing room. she goes oh lordy you still have Pashmina makeup on. ew. shaundree, can you start on her like that or should she wash it off?
shaundree was like Oh. My. God. and handed me a towel. Go wash that off.
I was like hold up a second. Darcy. what’s the deal? I mean I was psyched to see her and all but I needed to know what was going on. and why.
and she says, Please, you don’t belong with Pashmina. Lordy please wash your face we don’t have much time. here’s a headband. look, I saw your performance just now. I even saw you at that Teen Queen of the Universe pageant or whatever that was. are you aware how you look in those outfits?
shaundree goes, There’s a mild alpha hydroxy scrub there next to you … use that. everyone in the room was focused on my face right now … on getting Pashmina off it and Darcy back on it.
darcy kept on, I mean seriously K.K.! That show, those outfits, that music it’s not you. that is not the real K.K.
I was like, Oh and you know who the real K.K. is? cause I don’t! I mean c’mon, K.K. isn’t even my name! this whole life is fake! and you can’t just trade me like a football player it’s not cool!! I’m a person what about what I want? hand me that towel.
and she handed me a towel and was like, What are you talking about REAL? what do you mean this whole life is fake? what, you’re going to tell me that your summer hasn’t been real? this summer that you know as well as I do changed your life? news flash, but your REALITY this summer was this: dancing, performing, living kinda large. and don’t get me wrong but I think you pretty much enjoyed it, didn’t you? I mean, I know it was different before and I know it’ll be different again but it wasn’t any realer then. and it never will be any realer later. this is what you’re doing now, that makes it real. take off your bra. here’s a robe. oh god your brows are like GONE! Lordy! what happened to your brows? I felt like a mannequin, and not in a good way. here I was shedding one pop star’s image for another pop star’s image and wondering where in all this chaos my own image was.
I was like, Look I’m always going for realness in my performances and realness in my life but I haven’t seen anything REAL this whole summer! not on your tour, not on hers! everything is just a big illusion!
and she goes, You don’t get it do you? look, maybe I never really graduated high school, but I happen to know that REAL isn’t something you can try to be. it’s not something you chase. realness is not something out there. it’s right here. what’s real is what’s now, where you are and what you’re doing, now, today, whether you’re being yourself or not. you don’t get to choose what’s real and what isn’t. it all is. are you just biding your time waiting for something REAL? waiting for your REAL life to start? lordy k.k. you need to wake up. your life is happening right here. right now.
I just stared into the mirror. For what seemed like a really long time. Right here, right now.
I was like wow going on oprah really can change you ha ha.
she goes ok you look ok. here k.k. here’s an altoid.
I go what about Darla.
and Darcy goes, in this air traffic controller voice, “Darla has left the building!” I was like huh? and darcy goes, Yeah darla is seriously on my nerves. she and I had it out while you were doing that dopey “Girls Want It” song. I mean she’s my mom and all but she’s seriously crowding my personal space these days. you know what I mean? I mean, doesn’t every teenage girl like DREAM of getting away from their mother, and here, look, I CAN!
oh my lordy look how cute your hair looks shaundree you’re a goddess! anyway whatever I love her sorry god she’s my mother but I’m not 12 years old anymore. I built her that big huge house with the guitar-shaped pool in east texas, I told her she needs to hang out there more. look here’s your outfit.
darcy held out a couple of hangers and got all fashion television for a second describing it like she was some designer backstage at their show or something. “Rainbow tube top and yellow lowrider bellbottoms with a front slit and rainbow piping. whattya think?”
I was just like, Um looks great. I’d never seen darcy talk like this before. she was making sense.
she kept going. Anyway darla wasn’t happy and she called me ungrateful she probably thinks my brain has been taken over by alien Swedish record producers or something but you know what one thing I know about my mom is when she gets into a tizzy you just gotta let her rip until it runs out. then she’ll put her spin on it or whatever and say it was her decision and find another tizzy. shoot we don’t have time to do your nails do we? look mine are glittery. oh well. anyway she’ll chill out when she gets down there. besides it’s not like I won’t keep her on the payroll. I figure she can look after the construction of my museum. can you believe she wanted to go on Howard stern tonight while I was performing here?
I was like museum? Museum?
then I was like, Dude you called her darla instead of mama.
and she goes, Yeah it’s the new us. it’s more real don’t you think.
I go, I’m just happy to never have to see that freakin’ dog again. we both cracked up.
I was like I like the new us. then she looks in the mirror and starts flicking her bangs and goes, “do you think my hair looks better than gwyneth’s?”
I just go, “dude you have something in your teeth” and she goes “no WAY has it been there this whole time I hate you!”
I handed her some floss and I was like c’mon let’s go. we walked over toward the stage.
where are the other dancers? what song are we doing anyway? I asked. she goes, just you and me k.k. we’re doing “be with me, reality.”
I panicked. What? We’ve never rehearsed it! she goes I’m melody, you’re harmony, just sing. you really can, you know. besides, too late. we go on in one min.
I started breathing heavy.
we walked past gwen stefani, beyonce, and gloria estefan on the way to the stage, but I barely even noticed.
FRIDAY AUGUST 30
GARDEN, 10:15 PM
I didn’t have time to think about it. I just sang.
I thought getting THERE when I was dancing was something, but getting THERE when you’re singing is way more intense. Like, way more. it was big. scary and big.
in fact I was really proud of myself. As soon as we started to sing it, the song didn’t seem nearly as cheesy as when we first wrote it, for some reason. maybe because when we wrote it, I was being cynical. this time I just gave in and sang it and I felt it.
“Be with me, reality!”
it was much catchier, much prettier than I’d remembered it being. I got into it.
most of the audience was actually quiet for it—and they got quieter as we continued singing. (that NEVER happens at those Divas Alive shows! usually everyone in the audience is like chatting the whole time.) I blew a couple of notes but I played it pretty safe and it worked. I just concentrated on my harmonies, I let darcy take the lead, and we came together and it worked pretty well.
I knew even evan probably got into it. that is, if he made the show on time.
I imagined dad was listening too, hopefully proud of me for harmonizing on the spot.
darcy was happy, I could tell. I decided I really did like her, even if I didn’t understand the first thing about her and even if I could never handle the insanity of being her “best friend” again. she’s as brave as they come.
anyway, we sang it. we didn’t get a standing ovation or anything … I mean, most of the people at those shows are like record execs and their assistants … but the applause we did get was for US, not just darcy. it felt real.
FRIDAY AUGUST 30
RIHGA, 11:59 PM
Outfit: Darcy’s own personal tour jacket. she left it on her chair when she left. like she needs it. I figure she can spare it and I don’t know, I could use the souvenir. I wonder if there’s money in it ha ha. maybe I could eBay it. ha ha just KIDDING! I would never. Ever. (wink)
Hair: I am so tempted to shave it all off right now. it’s like straw, I’m not kidding. they have tortured it this summer. I need tito bad. this could be his biggest job ever. he’ll like mash a mango in it and infuse Egyptian nile river oil with French lavender or something and make me wear a do-rag for like a weekend or something and it’ll look amazing again.
Mood: tired. that kind of tired where you blink really slow and the air feels cooler in your lungs than usual.
I skipped the afterparty to wait for evan to show up backstage after the show. but true to form, he was nowhere to be seen. darcy ran off to meet jesse going, “how long are you in town? just tonight? well page me let’s get together when I’m in cali, ok?” I was like, um, ok. is that it? I guess for her it doesn’t feel like anything’s over.
I wonder if she’s right.
finally at like 11:30 the security people were like you have to leave now and I was like damn where’s my bro. I kept checking for a page from him but none came. I decided to just go back to the hotel because I knew he knew where the rihga was … when he asked where I was staying earlier he was like no WAY that’s where Mike Tyson stays I was like really and he goes I think so and he goes I was reading about it online the other day. it’s on 54th St. he is so misunderstood you know. I was like whatever anyway the point is he knows where the riga is.
at least I was hoping he does.
so I did my now routine taxicab hail and went back up to the rihga. there, in the lobby, was evan. with tito! tito came racing over to me and goes, “you KILLED it!” and I was like, shut up! omiGOD! what are you doing here and he goes, you KILLED it! and he wrapped his arms and legs around me like a little kid. I was just like, omigod how MUCH do I LOVE you? when did you GET here? and he goes, girl! what’s up with this hair. we need a Cosmetics Plus, quick!
I looked over his shoulder and there was mom. no way! tito and evan must have convinced her to come.
she came up and gave me a hug and goes, “I saw the show tonight. I made sure I was on time. You were beautiful.” she didn’t sob Lifetime Television style, but she had tears dripping off the end of her nose.
I wiped her nose with the sleeve of darcy’s jacket. Thanks mom. I smiled, can we go home now?