CHAPTER TEN

WAR FOR FUN AND PROFIT

“Seriously?” I looked at them before putting my hand over my face. “The Chief of Staff is a P.H.A.N.T.O.M agent? Didn’t we just do this plot? People are going to think I’m anti-American.”

“You did kill the President,” Cindy pointed out.

“He wasn’t the President,” I snapped. “They removed that title from him retroactively. I’m not even sure he’s still in continuity.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Cindy said, shaking her head.

“He is, unfortunately,” Mindy said, ignoring the weirdness of all this or perhaps just thriving in it. “P.H.A.N.T.O.M has always had their Crimson Elite agents that have infiltrated the highest levels of government. The majority were rounded up when President Omega was killed but a small number still operate in high levels of the government.”

“Now we’re ripping off G.I. Joe?” I asked.

“Shh,” Gabrielle said, staring. “If the Chief of Staff is a P.H.A.N.T.O.M agent then this might explain why superheroes are outlawed in the United States. We can get that law overturned.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I feel that’s a bit more complicated. The world used to be all capes, jet packs, and talking gorillas. Now it’s antiheroes, social commentary, and fantastic racism. I feel like we should just call it quits with the Society of Superheroes and join the O-men.”

“I like the X-Men movies,” Cindy said. “Mmm, Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds.”

“Famke Jansen and Hallie Berry for me,” I muttered. “Anyway, I’m not sure what benefit even a rogue branch of the U.S. government, accent on rogue, has to benefit from sending a bunch of Nazis to the center of the Earth.”

“Orichalcum,” Mindy said, saying the name of a mineral every government on Earth would kill to possess.

“Sounds like a sex game,” Cindy said. “But that’s not possible since I’ve never heard of it.”

Leia gagged, apparently having lost her tolerance for parental sex thoughts upon hitting puberty.

“Nope, that’s not it,” Cindy said, tapping the side of her head with one finger. “Maybe this one. No wait, that’s a Dirty Cindy.”

Leia looked disgusted.

“Oh hush, you’ve seen worse in my brain,” Cindy said. “You wouldn’t believe some of the sick and perverted—”

“It’s crystalized magical energy,” Gabrielle, thankfully, interrupted. “One of the most valuable substances in the universe. Ultranium is the refined plutonium version.”

I nodded, knowing what it was. “Orichalcum is a basic component of pretty much every super-science invention or accident that grants superpowers. If you want to build something like a cold fusion device, perpetual motion machine, or other physics-defying object then you should include orichalcum. Orichalcum radiation is also the stuff that causes people to get superpowers when they’re dumped in toxic waste or bitten by radioactive llamas rather than developing cancer.”

“Radioactive llamas?” Gabrielle asked.

“You don’t want to know,” I said, shaking my head. “Almost led to the alpacalypse.”

Man, I missed Niki Tesla.

“Chief of Staff Steve Duck sent P.H.A.N.T.O.M down here to kill the locals and enslave them before sending all of the orichalcum back to the U.S.A.,” Mindy explained.

Gabrielle narrowed her eyes at the mention of the Chief of Staff’s name. Steve Duck sounded familiar to me too. Not just in an ‘I don’t know the names of all the President’s staff but have probably heard them somewhere’ way either.

“Why take all the orichalcum?” Cindy asked. “What’s the government going to do with it?”

“Make their own army of superhumans,” Gabrielle said, horrified. “That will kick off an arms race between various world powers. It’s what my father always feared. He believed the militarization of superpowers would be the end of humanity.”

“All governments depend on the monopolization of force,” John said, sagely. “They were never going to be friendly to independent superhumans. Any group that opposed their will becomes an existential threat.”

“That was surprisingly erudite,” I said.

“Why surprisingly?” John asked, narrowing his eyes. He’d misread my meaning.

“Uh, because you’re from a post-apocalyptic wasteland?” I said, grimacing.

“Listen, I know Tom Terror,” I said, exaggerating my knowledge of the world’s most famous supervillain. “If he’s the Phantom Leader then there’s no way in hell he’s going to be taking orders from the United States. Chief of Staff, President, or even an animated Statue of Liberty. The moment he takes over the Hollow Earth, he’ll try for the rest of the planet then the star system, and then the galaxy. From there, the universe.”

“That seems like a lot of work,” Cindy said. “He should stop at the planet or maybe a tiny island nation where you have an unlimited supply of naked people and piña coladas.”

“I support this plan,” Mercury said.

“The Hollow Earth seems to support scantily-dressed native peoples,” Cindy said, looking down at Reyan. “Even the ones who are a trap!”

Reyan looked confused, which was probably for the best.

“The Hollow Earth is the source of all the Earth’s native superpowers,” Leia said, pulling out a device that resembled a PKE meter from Ghostbusters and aiming it at the Sun. “The Inner Sun is pure raw mystical energy and it pours out its energy through ley lines. All magic not filtered through the Primal Orbs or from gods comes from here. Exposure is what causes them to develop the powers here. It’s why the locals are nearly immortal, beautiful, and strong.”

“Sweet!” Cindy said. “Even more reason to build an evil day spa down here.”

“Why does it have to be evil?” Gabrielle asked.

Cindy shook her head. “You just don’t get it, Gabby, and you never will.”

“Is that why Cindy is a werewolf now?” I asked, wondering what other kind of effects this world might be having.

“No,” Reyan said, surprising me. “She has been touched by Fenrir.”

“Sweet!” Cindy said, cheerfully.

“It’s a dreadful curse. Only the most evil and selfish souls are afflicted by his power,” Reyan said. “It’s an ominous sign that we have drawn the Ragnarök Wolf’s attention.”

“Can’t hear you over my new superpowers,” Cindy said, raising one hand and making the “shh” gesture.

“We don’t know what Tom Terror is planning but he’s already figured out how to start draining the power of superhumans into the Inner Sun while leaving his own forces untouched,” Mindy said, disgusted. “Gary, only magic coming from a different source is safe like yours, Reyan’s, or the alternate universe soldiers’.”

“The Ultra-Force is universal but draws on wellsprings like this,” Gabrielle said, as if what she said wasn’t a further layer of nonsense.

“So, Tom is going to turn off all the world’s superpowers and conquer the world,” I said, figuring out his plan. It’s what I would do. “Then he can turn the entirety of the Earth’s people into superhumans and unleash them on the rest of the universe. With no one to stop him, since no superhuman will have any powers but by his leave.”

“I always liked ‘by your leave’,” Cindy said, distracting the conversation. “It sounds so sophisticated.”

“Probably,” Mindy said. “While you were kicking around for a year, doing nothing, we’ve been trying to keep the future from becoming a complete disaster. Whatever happens here is going to have a major effect on the world.”

Cindy raised her hand. “Okay, you’re time travelers. How the hell does it work that Gary spending a year in a funk over his dead wife for the second time in a row—”

“Hey!” I snapped.

“Let me go with this,” Cindy said. “How does that work? Can’t you just return to when he wasn’t in a funk?”

Leia looked at her mother. “Mom, do you have a Doctorate in Quantum Cross-Temporal Mechanics? A subject that didn’t exist until your daughter created it?”

“No,” Cindy said.

“Then shut the hell up,” Leia said, smiling despite her words. “I won’t tell you anything about how to bilk the medical system, or dad how to be John Simms Master, only on the side of the good guys.”

I blinked. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

“Who’s John Simms?” Reyan asked.

I glared at her. “His first televised appearance on Doctor Who happened recently! In…when was that…2007!”

Reyan blinked. “I was four.”

“Ugh,” I said, sighing. “Why can’t life be like Ready Player One and pop culture forever cater to my love of the Eighties?”

“You can do that when you take over the world,” John said.

“Thank you,” I said, nodding. “I’ll do that.”

“Also, if you can swing it, try to provide clean water and food to people. We need that in the future more than pop culture,” John said.

“Do you?” I asked. “Do you really?”

“So, what do you want exactly?” Cindy asked. “I mean, we were already heading down here to Donkey Kong Country to kill the Undermensch. What’s new?”

Mindy and Leia exchanged a look.

“We’ve moved down our younger selves to Nur’Ab’Sal along with the rest of the mansion residents,” Mindy said. “We’d rather avoid a paradox where we’re killed as children.”

“Yeah, that’s an automatic game over in Metal Gear Solid,” I said.

Leia sighed, losing her patience with me as well. “We also think now is the best time for you to seize control over the Ultranian technology here. If you can take it from Tom Terror then the world will fall quickly.”

“Gotcha,” I said, making finger guns. “We’re going easy mode on world domination. Funny, I thought it would be difficult.”

“You seriously want Gary to take over the world?” Gabrielle asked. “A guy who can’t even keep up with how many mistresses he has?”

I looked over at her. “I don’t sleep with that many women other than you.”

Everyone looked over at me.

“Wow, that was a crappy defense. I’ll be quiet now,” I said, making a locking gesture over my mouth before throwing away the key.

“As ironic as it sounds, we’re running out of time,” Mindy said, checking a futuristic wristband. “We’re always just a few steps ahead of President Omega and his minions. He may not be willing to come here around you or even disrupt your timeline too much but that doesn’t mean we’re safe.”

“Good luck,” Gabrielle said, staring at them. “We’ll find some way to resolve this morally.”

Neither of our daughters looked impressed.

“One last question,” Reyan spoke up. “Are the Society of Superheroes and other superheroes still alive? Is Gary’s niece?”

I regretted not asking that myself, but the answer was, well, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.

“They’re alive,” Mindy said as both she and Cindy started to fade. “But if you don’t save them, they’ll all wish they had been killed.”

Then they were gone.

“Well, that was ominous,” Cindy said. “So, who is up for BBQ-ing some dinosaurs? I feel like I need to eat my body weight in meat or you guys are going to start looking delicious. I call it the Big Bad Wolf diet.”

I tried to ignore the implications of that. “Hey, John, do you think these hover pyramids have life boats?”

“Yes, probably,” John said, looking at them. “The Reichmen used one to get down here and attack us. I suspect it probably has at least one more.”

“Then I think we have our ride to the city,” I said, suddenly much more interested in getting there.

“Only one problem with that,” John said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you know how to fly a Nazi super-science bathtub?” John asked.

He had a point there. “No, I don’t.”

“I do,” Gabrielle said.

I looked at her. “What?”

“You don’t think I have other skills than punching people and flying?” Gabrielle asked.

“I just figured your flight skills were restricted to personal,” I said, admittedly not having given it much thought.

Truth be told, there were still plenty of areas where we didn’t know each other very well. Ten years earlier, when I was still her boyfriend in college, the two of us knew every little detail about the other. You know, except for me not knowing she was Ultragoddess but that doesn’t count since that was a big detail. When we had time together, it was mostly spent talking about superhero business. I knew Ultragoddess very well, but I wasn’t sure I knew Gabrielle as well as I used to. Mind you, these days I’m not sure I know Gary Karkofsky that well either.

With that, Ken Masterson got up from the grass beside us and groaned. Immediately, John pulled out his pistol and aimed it at his head.

“Ow,” Ken said, feeling his head. Then he looked at the gun aimed at him. “By the Might of As—”

Reyan grabbed him and cover his mouth with her hand. “Don’t.”

“What’s going on, where am I, and who are these people?” Ken asked, looking around confused. “Wait, is that Red Riding Hood?”

Reyan blinked. “Wait, she’s the one you recognize?”

“She is pretty memorable,” Ken said, looking up with an obvious crush.

Cindy rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t even know where to begin, kid.”

“You’ve been brainwashed by P.H.A.N.T.O.M so that whenever you turn into your god avatar form you become a white blond killing machine for evil,” Mercury explained.

Ken looked horrified. “I become white?”

Gabrielle shook her head. “We’ll figure out a way to cure you of your condition but don’t try to use your powers until we’ve figured out just what they did to you. Until then we’ll have to do without Viking Lad and Valkyrie Girl.”

I stared at them. “Those are your codenames?”

“Wait,” Ken said, pointing at me. “I know you, you’re Cindy’s sidekick! Mercy Man!”

“I can still shoot him if you want,” John said, dryly.

“Don’t tempt me,” I said.

“Move sidekick!” Cindy gestured to the hover tank. “Fetch me my chariot.”

This was going to be a long trip.