Today the tears stopped.
The way her mother looked at her this morning told Tawana if she didn't pull herself together, she'd soon find herself admitted to a local hospital.
"You've been crying for two weeks and you won't tell me why. Misha doesn't hear you every night, but I do. You're losing weight, drinking bottle after bottle of wine, and using all the tissue in the house. What is going on with you, Tawana? Do I need to call a doctor?"
Mama had ranted before, but today she picked up the yellow pages to find some help.
Tawana dashed over and snatched the book from her. "No, Mama! I'm fine; I just have a lot on my mind."
"I can see that, Tawana."
Ms. Carter extended her hand for Tawana to return the phone book.
"Since you won't talk to me, you're going to talk to someone. I didn't come up here with you to this highfalutin' place so this fancy education you're gettin' could drive you crazy. Misha needs you."
She fell silent and formed a thin line with her lips, but Tawana already knew what her mother was too proud to admit: she needed her too.
Tawana fell to her knees and laid her head on her mother's lap. Sobs wracked her body.
Ms. Carter rubbed her daughter's back and wept too.
"What is it, Tawana? What is wrong?"
When the tears finally abated, Tawana found her way to the futon and sagged next her mother. She wiped her eyes with the heels of her palms.
"I don't want to talk about it, Mama, but I'm going to be okay. I'm sorry I've scared you; it’s just been a stressful time. It's going to be alright."
Ms. Carter stared at her, and Tawana knew Mama was struggling to believe her.
"One of them boyfriends did something to you, didn't he?" Tawana turned away. "I'm okay, Mama. I don't want to talk about it. Everything is going to be fine."
She left Ms. Carter staring at her back and strode to her room, closing the door behind her. She fell across her bed and willed the tears to stop. There was too much at stake for her to allow her world to come crashing down.
But her mind kept traveling back to the night she had made that split-second decision to sell herself to Grant.
The contempt in his eyes haunted her. "You want me to pay for it? Look at me, Tawana." He had sneered at her and looked himself up and down. "Do I look like I need to pay somebody to sleep with me? I like to have a good time, but I ain't desperate."
Grant looked at his wallet and saw what had caught her eye.
"You need some money? Here."
He slid the $200 from his wallet and threw it onto her lap.
Tawana, near tears, shook her head and tried to give it back.
Grant pushed the money away and started the car.
Tawana folded the cash and tucked it under his wallet. He pulled out of the restaurant parking lot and headed toward her apartment.
"Are you that strapped for cash?"
She lowered her head and shrugged. "I've never done that before. I ... I don't know what came over me. I'm worried about a place to stay this summer, and I... I don't know. I'm sorry."
Grant took a deep breath and placed his hand over hers. "Don't worry about it."
It should have ended there, with the ultimate humiliation and a strained goodbye.
But she had squeezed his hand and looked at him, wanting him to still like her. "Can we still go back to your place?"
Grant didn't reply, but he steered his car right instead of left at the next intersection.
That night had been different from the others. Her previous suitors had at least whispered sweet lies in her ear and pretended to care. They said all the loving words she wished they meant. She knew they didn't—how could they, after one or two dates? Yet hearing them made her feel good, all the same.
Grant, on the other hand, simply seemed determined to give her what she obviously wanted. She stayed until the wee hours of the morning, allowing him to do and say things to her that let her know he saw her as nothing more than a piece of meat.
It wasn't against her will; she had offered. But after that night, she would never be the same.
When he was finally ready to sleep, he rolled to one side of the bed, away from her.
"How did you get into Harvard with a name like Tawana anyway? I'll take you back to your car in the morning, 'kay?"
He was asleep before she could respond to either question.
The next morning, on the drive to the parking lot adjacent to her apartment, he apologized.
"Um, I want you to know that I'm a really nice guy. You said you don't normally do something like that. Well, I try to respect girls too. I guess we were both thinking out of our heads."
He pulled up beside her car and leaned across her to open the passenger door so she could step out. "No hard feelings?"
Tawana didn't look at him. He sped away while she stood there fumbling through her purse for her car keys.
It had been hard to live with herself ever since.
She had crossed a line, and it scared her. Could it happen again? How had she done it so easily? Sleeping with Grant had been insane, but if it had been for pay, she could have been arrested. Before it had begun, her career would have been over.
Those thoughts fueled a fresh round of tears, but Tawana breathed them away.
An India.Arie song floated through her mind. Get it together ... Whatsoever you sow you shall reap ...
That was one of Serena's favorite songs. Her influence was palpable even when she wasn't around.
In that instant, Tawana knew what she needed to do. She reached across the comforter for the cordless phone and dialed Serena's cell. It was the middle of the afternoon on Saturday, and Tawana knew it was unlikely that she'd be at home.
Surprisingly, Serena picked up on the first ring. Tawana could tell she was at a park or in her backyard, because the boys were yelling about kicking and throwing balls.
"I've been waiting to hear from you. Glad you finally called."
"Huh?" Tawana sat up in bed and frowned.
"Your mother reached out to me last week and told me something was wrong. Instead of trying to wring it out of you, I decided to wait for your call. I knew I'd hear from you when you were ready to talk."
"What made you so sure I'd call you?"
"I told you a long time ago that I'm always here for you, T, and you know I meant it. I just prayed that you would remember.
"Whatever's going on, I've got your back. And you- know-who does too."
"God?"
"God."