Chapter Twelve

 

1993

 

EDDIE VEDDER’S CLENCH-teethed vocals blasted from my speakers as I undid the buttons of Jess’s denim shirt, but she pushed me back. I banged my elbow against the Nirvana poster plastered on the wall next to my bed. “What’s wrong?”

“Your mother’s still home.” Jess moved farther away from me and began hooking the buttons I’d just unfastened.

“The door’s locked. Stop doing that.” I pulled her hands away from her shirt.

“When’s she leaving?”

“Soon.” I tried to kiss her again, but Jess stood from the bed and finished fastening her buttons.

“Don’t do that,” I begged, pawing at her. “Please?” I reached out to grab hold of her, but she stepped away. “I’m only gonna unbutton them again later. You know that.”

“You’re not doing anything until your mother’s gone.” She smirked at me and folded her arms over her now completely covered breasts.

I jumped off my bed and hurried out of my room.

When I came back, Jess was sitting on the edge of my bed smoothing her hands through her long, brown hair.

“What took so long?” she asked.

“My mom and Franklin had to go over the rules with me. I think she forgets I’m eighteen now.”

“But you’re still living under her roof.”

“God, you sound just like her.”

Jess smiled. “When’s she leaving?”

“Five minutes.”

“She said that almost an hour ago.”

I walked up to her. “I can’t stand how much I want you.” I ran my hand gently across the side of her face. “I get to be alone with you for a whole weekend.”

“And it’s a three-day weekend.” She tilted her face to me with a wicked smile.

I kissed her on the mouth and leaned all of my body weight against her, forcing her onto her back. She wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Your mother’s still here,” she said between kisses. “And you didn’t lock the door.”

“She’s not coming.”

I jumped off Jess at a sound from the hallway.

The door opened, and my mother stood in the doorway with a tote bag slung around her shoulders. “Hi, Jess.”

“Hi, Mrs. Walker.” Jess straightened herself on my bed.

“We’re leaving,” my mother yelled over the loud music. She wore brown slacks that showed off the same tiny waist she’s had since I was a little girl and a short-sleeved beige satin blouse. “Give me another kiss.” She held out her arms and enveloped me in a tight grip. I felt the need to remind her that she was only leaving for three days, but I knew she needed this goodbye.

Franklin showed up behind her wearing jeans, a Chicago Bears sweatshirt, and a baseball hat. Unlike my mother, his waistline had expanded through the years, but my mother didn’t seem to mind at all. She’d often throw her arms around his thick neck and boast how safe he made her feel. Franklin seemed more insecure with the thinning of his once thick hair, than with his weight gain. He wore a lot of hats.

“We really need to get going, hun. We’re already off to a late start.” Franklin gave me a kiss on the forehead. “Goodbye. Be good. Remember the rules.”

“I will,” I replied with a heavy sigh.

“There’s plenty of food in the fridge,” my mother said, and, finally, she let me go. She looked at Jess. “I’m glad you’re staying here. I would have hated to think my baby was here all by herself. You girls have a good time this weekend.”

I smiled. “We will.”

As soon as they left my room Jess threw a pillow at me. “Wipe that nasty grin off your face. You’re an open book.”

“To you maybe, but not to her.” I walked back to my bed and lightly shoved Jess back so she was once again sprawled out onto her back. I pulled playfully at her bare toes.

Jess giggled hard and kicked her feet away from me. “Stop it. I’m ticklish.”

“I know.” I leaned down and kissed her mouth and neck.

“Hmmmm . . . that feels so good,” Jess moaned in my ear.

“Wait.” I pulled myself off her.

“Where are you doing?” She grabbed the neckline of my T-shirt and pulled me back down to her. “Get back here.” She kissed me.

I tore my lips from hers. “I want to turn the music off.”

“How come?”

“Because we don’t have to be quiet anymore, and I want to hear you.” I nuzzled my face against her neck. “I want to hear the sounds you make when I touch you, without holding back.”

She smiled her perfect smile as I stood up and walked across the room to the CD player sitting on a shelf against the wall. I switched it off.

I sat down on the edge of the bed. Jess’s hair was in a tangled mess high across my pillow.

“It’s so quiet,” she whispered.

“I know. It’s nice. And you don’t have to whisper.” I leaned over her. “No one can hear you but me. And I want to hear you, baby.”

“You’re gonna make me self-conscious,” she said.

I kissed her softly on her forehead. “I don’t mean to. I’m just excited to be alone with you.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck. “Me too. Been looking forward to this all week.”

“I got a little nervous cuz I heard my mom telling Franklin a few days ago that she was having second thoughts about leaving me alone for a whole weekend. He stuck up for me though. Said I was old enough. I think he was as anxious to get my mom alone as I was to get you alone.”

“Hey.” She pulled herself up and pushed me back onto my feet. I stood in front of her, and she grabbed my hands and held them against my sides. “Do you think your mom knows about us?”

“No way.”

“Not even suspects?”

“Not a chance.”

“How can you be so sure?”

I freed my hands from her grip and lifted her fingers to my lips. I kissed them gently one by one. “I know my mother doesn’t suspect a thing about us, because she . . . well . . . she sorta thinks you’re a slut.”

Jess popped up from my bed and pulled her hands from mine. “Why would your mother think I’m a slut?”

I sighed. “Don’t get mad, but one day she was asking a bunch of questions about us, and I wanted to throw her off just in case she was starting to get suspicious.”

“What kind of questions was she asking?”

“Innocent questions, but I got paranoid, and I may have told her some things.”

“What things?”

“Just things about you being a little boy crazy.”

“There’s a hell of a big difference between being boy crazy and being a slut. Why would your mother think I’m a slut?” Jess gave me a stiff look. “What did you tell her?”

“Remember you promised me you wouldn’t get mad,” I said.

“I promised no such thing,” she countered. “Now tell me what you told her.”

“I don’t remember exactly, but I think it had something to do with the boy’s baseball team.”

“Lyssa!” she screamed.

“And the basketball team,” I quickly added.

“Lyssa. That is not cool. I can’t believe you did that.” She rushed toward me, and I picked her up as her body met mine. She wrapped her legs tightly around my waist. “I’m really mad at you.”

“Be mad at me on Tuesday. We have three whole days to ourselves.”

She looked me in the eyes. “Fine. But you’re going to fix this.”

“Of course I will,” I promised.

With her legs still snug tightly around my waist, I shuffled us back to my bed, and dropped her onto a mound of blankets.

I stood over her.

“I love how you’re looking at me right now,” she said.

“How am I looking at you?” I asked.

“Like you’re about to do whatever the fuck you want to me.”

I slowly raised one side of my mouth in a confident smirk. “Now that we’re alone, it’s exactly what I’m going to do, and we can make all the noise we want doing it.”

 

WE WERE LYING together in my bed, under a cool crisp sheet. The room was dark except for the moonlight breaking in through an opening of my shades. That night wasn’t our first time being together, but it was the first time we didn’t have to be sneaky or quick about it.

Lying with Jess cuddled tightly in my arms the way she was, made me feel more mature than I’d ever felt before. We were now adults making love in a bed, instead of a couple horny teenagers getting off as quickly as we could in the backseat of a car.

“This is nice,” Jess said.

“Hmmm.” I closed my eyes and rested my chin against the side of her head.

Silence passed for a couple seconds until Jess started giggling.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“I was just thinking of our first time together. We were both so awkward, not sure what to do. You fumbled with my bra, couldn’t even get it undone. I still don’t know how that could be. You wear a bra, too.”

“Not the fancy ones you wear that unhook in the front. I was flabbergasted. I knew right then that even though we had similar features, everything about being with you was going to be different. And it was. You smelled sweeter. Your body was smoother. Your touch was gentler. Your kisses were softer. I didn’t know what to do with you, even though I wanted to do so much, but I was so damn nervous and scared I was gonna make a fool out of myself cuz I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I only knew what I saw on cable, but the experience was completely different in person.”

Jess trailed her fingers up and down my arm. “I was nervous, too. Who isn’t their first time? But I’m glad it was with you.” She kissed my shoulder. “We were sixteen, but so in love. It wasn’t just about sex.”

“I wanted boobs,” I said flatly.

“Hey.” She slapped my arm.

“I’m sorry, but it’s true. I liked you and all, but I really wanted to see your tits.”

“Whatever,” Jess said. “For me it was about love.”

“It was about love for me, too. I fucking loved your tits.”

She slapped me harder. “You better watch it. Talk like that’ll get you a weekend alone.”

I squeezed her in my arms. “Oh baby. It’s not like that anymore. You know that. Once I knew you, everything changed. I fell hard.”

“Would you have thought two years later we’d still be together?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe I thought the pressure of keeping our relationship a secret would be too much. Or maybe we’d get caught and somehow be forced not to be together anymore.”

“Nobody could force me not to be with you,” I said.

“I know that, but there are so many reasons couples break up—like cheating for one.”

“But we never had to worry about that. It’s not like the school’s swarming in lesbians.”

“You think we were the only lesbians in school?” she asked.

“Hell no. There had to be more. They just weren’t ready to live it out yet.”

“Lyssa?” Jess said.

“Yes?”

“If there were more lesbians in our school who were ready to live it out, do you think they would have come between us? You think you would have chosen them instead of me?”

I frowned. “Why are you thinking about things like that?”

“I’m just wondering. So, do you?”

“This is stupid.”

“Just answer the question.”

I sighed heavily. “Who’s the other girl I’d have to choose from?”

Jess let out a flabbergasted breath. “This is a hypothetical question.”

“Then give me a hypothetical girl. Let’s just use Chelsea from the cheerleading team? Brandi from the basketball team? Or how about Sara from the drama club?”

“I know you’re trying to be sarcastic, but funny how you should mention Chelsea first,” Jess said. “I saw you looking at her a couple weeks ago after math class. She was walking up the stairs and you were standing by the water fountain watching her. Would you take her over me if you had the choice?”

I pulled Jess underneath me and pinned her body with my thighs and hands against the bed. I moved my face close to hers. “I’m with you. I only want to be with you. I don’t want to be as close with anyone else as I am with you. I’ve grown so much with you these past two years. You know me better than anyone, maybe even Abbey.”

She touched my face. “I just want to know we’re not together only by default cuz we had no other options.”

“Just because you were the only other girl at school that I knew was like me, doesn’t mean I was forced to feel about you the way I do. Chelsea’s beautiful, but she’s overly superficial and she complains a lot, too. If she were my only option, I would have used her for sex and then dropped her the second school ended. But that’s not what I’m doing with you. Graduation is this week, and I want to stay with you. I love you.”

Jess wiped away the tears running down her cheeks. “I sound like an insecure idiot.”

I kissed her wet face. “No. You sound like every other eighteen-year-old couple facing graduation and college and wondering if they’re gonna last. But think about it. Aren’t everyone’s options limited in some way? Most of the kids in school date people within the same school. But how do they know there isn’t someone better at the school across town? I heard Lisa is worried that Tommy will fall in love with someone else when he leaves for college. And you know what? He probably will. They don’t have what we have.”

Jess smiled and wiped the rest of her tears away. “No, they don’t.”

I leaned in to kiss her, and the phone beside my bed blasted a loud ring. We both jumped.

“Jesus Christ, that scared the shit outta me,” Jess said.

 “I could tell.” I laughed.

“Hey, you jumped, too,” she pointed out.

I hopped out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans hanging over the chair at my desk. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was almost one o’clock in the morning. “Who the hell could be calling me now?”

I picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Lyssa? Are you still sick?” Abbey’s voice was shaky, timid, and I immediately stopped breathing.

“What is it?” I pressed the receiver tight against my ear. “What’s wrong?”

“The chair moved,” she said.

“The what moved?”

“The chair. Downstairs in my dad’s office. It moved. I heard the tires roll.”

The connection was in and out with static.

“Abbey! Abbey!” I yelled.

“I’m here,” she said through the bad reception.

“Where are you? You sound far away.”

“I have the cordless outside. I’m standing in my driveway. Will you come over? My mom’s not back yet.”

I glanced at Jess tucked inside my bed looking so warm and snug. I wanted to crawl beneath the covers with her, but instead, I told Abbey that I’d be right there. I ended the call and slammed the phone onto its receiver. “I gotta go to Abbey’s.”

“I heard. But it’s so late. Why?”

“Because a chair moved,” I said calmly, and sat on my bed and slipped on my shoes.

Jess moved closer to me and gently rubbed my shoulders. It took everything I had not to turn around, push her onto her back, and ravish her body once again.

“What moved?” she asked.

Frustrated, I stood up and raised my hands in the air. “A fucking chair,” I screamed and went into the closet and pulled out a blue-and-white flannel shirt. I quickly slipped on a sports bra that was sitting on the top of the dresser. I buttoned up my flannel. “A fucking chair moved.”

I turned around to meet a look of deep confusion across Jess’s face.

“What? You don’t get it?” I asked. “Let me explain it to you. Abbey’s home alone right now, and she thinks she heard a chair move. She’s standing in her driveway at one in the morning because she’s sure she heard the wheels of an office chair in the basement move. And now, I have to go over there and . . . and . . . I don’t know . . . look at this fucking chair . . . at one o’clock in the morning.”

Jess pushed the covers off her. “I’ll come with you.”

“You can’t.”

“Why not? We’ll tell her we were hanging out and fell asleep.”

I sat down on the bed beside her. “I lied to her today.”

“About what?”

I let out a deep exhale. “Abbey asked me to spend the night at her house tonight, or at least stay there until her mom got back from being with her sister who’s been ill for a while. Her father’s on a business trip. But I told Abbey I was really sick, like puking my brains out, sick.” I rubbed my forehead. “What was I supposed to say? I wanted to spend the night with you. We finally had this time together.”

“Do you think she knows about us?”

“No way! And I don’t want her to know, okay?”

Jess turned away from me.

“Okay?” I asked again.

“Okay.” She looked at me. “But she’s your best friend. Why can’t she know? I’m sure she won’t tell anyone.”

“It’s not that,” I said. “She wouldn’t understand this. She wouldn’t know what to do with this. Us. It’s too much for her to grasp. She’d probably cry.”

“Maybe you underestimate her,” Jess said.

“You think so? I’m going to her house in the middle of the night because she heard a chair move.”

We laughed, and then I pulled her close to me for a kiss. “You gonna be okay alone here for a lil while?”

“As long as nothing moves by itself, I’ll be just fine.” She smiled, and I kissed her again.

“I shouldn’t be long. Abbey’s mom may be home soon, but who knows. You’ll probably be sleeping when I get back.”

“Then wake me,” she said.

“Baby, if you’re sleeping, I don’t want to . . .”

“Wake me.” She gripped my arm and looked deep in my eyes. “Promise you’ll wake me.”