Chapter Twenty-Three

Thalia stood next to the wall in the small examination room as she waited for Brianna and Amari to return from the radiology suite. Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

“Hello.”

“Where are you?” Nico’s voice was quiet on the phone. “Gina said you drove some woman to the hospital.”

“Not some woman. Amari and Brianna. We’re at Children’s. I’m waiting for them to get back from X-ray.”

“That explains it. Gina wasn’t the best communicator. I thought you weren’t seeing her.”

“I wasn’t. But she was at the park. Brianna fell and their car was at home. And now I’m here at Children’s with her.”

“She asked you to wait with her? That’s kinda fucked up after how she treated you.”

“No. She didn’t ask me. Brianna did.”

“Don’t let her talk you into any more with her. You don’t need that.”

“I know you’re a half hour older than me, but I don’t need big brother advice right now. And she’s not trying to talk me into anything. She’s got other things to worry about right now. She’s not using her daughter’s injury to try to pick me up. For fuck’s sake, Nico,” Thalia whispered into her phone. “I have to go. I’m not even supposed to have my phone on in here. I’ll call you later.” Thalia disconnected the call and then set the phone for “do not disturb” before she stuffed it in her back pocket.

Brianna had insisted Thalia stay, only agreeing for Thalia to step outside while she was changing into her hospital gown. Focused on regaling Thalia with all things related to the Trolls movies, Brianna had cooperated with the nurses when they cleaned the abrasions on her knee and elbow. Amari had smoothed over Thalia’s awkward feelings about staying with them through her grateful expression and kind words.

Thalia witnessed Amari’s laser focus. Her ability to work with the staff to help make Brianna as comfortable as possible in a situation that challenged Brianna’s coping skills. Thalia found herself even more infatuated with Amari. Amari’s interactions with her daughter tugged at Thalia’s heart like no amount of wooing ever would.

Thalia wanted children, had wanted them since she could remember, and yet she had never been in anything close to a stable enough relationship to pursue becoming a parent. Being a single mother had never been a consideration, either, not after witnessing Sally’s struggles after her husband had abandoned her and their children. In her five-year plan, now six years gone by, she had imagined herself an established owner of a bookstore, and with a partner and baby, none of which appeared to ever be attainable.

The minutes stretched out. Tired of standing, Thalia sat on the orange hard plastic chair in the corner of the room and closed her eyes. The sounds of other children and their parents came intermittently. Occasional shrieks mixed with the cajoling voices of parents filtered in from the hallway. Firm in her resolve to not break her promise to Brianna, to wait with her until they could see the ball machine, Thalia filled her time by scrolling through the following day’s schedule on her phone.

The curtain to the room rattled on its metal rings. Thalia startled and stood.

Brianna was asleep on the stretcher. An intravenous line was in place in one hand. Her other arm was wrapped from above the elbow to her fingertips with stretchy bandage. Amari’s face was drawn.

The nurse wheeled the stretcher into place. “She’ll be drowsy and sleepy for a bit. I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on her. We should have a room assignment soon.”

Thalia waited until the nurse left to speak. She pulled the chair away from the wall and placed it next to the bed. “Here, come sit down.”

Amari crossed the room and lowered herself to the chair. “Thank you.” Her voice was wooden. She leaned forward, propped her arms on her knees, and then rested her head in her hands.

Thalia kneeled next to the chair. “How bad is it?”

“Broken right above the elbow. She’ll need it pinned. They’ll add her to the surgery schedule for tomorrow.”

Thalia lifted her hand and placed it on Amari’s shoulder. “What can I do to help? What do you need me to do?”

“I don’t even know.” Amari’s voice was thick. “She lost it in the radiology suite. She hates the sound the paper they use to drape the table makes when you lay on it.”

Thalia moved her hand to the back of Amari’s neck and rubbed the tense muscles at the base of her skull.

Amari shifted in the chair and leaned her brow on Thalia’s shoulder. Thalia pulled Amari into a hug and rubbed her back in slow circles. The only sounds in the room were Brianna’s soft snores and the quiet whirr of the intravenous pump.

“They never tell you, when you have a child, how much it hurts when they hurt. I can’t even express how much I wish it were me instead of her.”

Thalia hugged Amari tighter. “I know.”

Amari raised her head. Thalia relaxed her hug but stayed kneeling next to her.

“Thank you. You made it so much easier.” Amari caught Thalia’s hand and gripped it tight. “I’m so sorry I walked out on you. Thank you for helping with Brianna. You being here made everything so much better for her. And me.” Amari let go of Thalia’s hand and looked away from her face.

“Hey. Look at me, please.”

Amari lifted her gaze to Thalia’s face. Her eyes glittered.

“I’m happy to be here for both of you.” Thalia rested her fingertips on Amari’s forearm.

“Would you, when this crisis is over, meet with me to talk? Just talk. No expectations.”

Thalia held Amari’s gaze. “I’d like that.”

“Ms. Foster?” The nurse stepped into the room. “We have a bed for Brianna.” She pressed a button on the blood pressure machine next to the bed.

Thalia picked up the bag of Brianna’s clothes from the bedside table.

“Let me get one more set of vitals and then we can go.” The nurse touched Brianna’s shoulder. “Brianna? I am going to take your blood pressure. The cuff will get very tight and squeeze your arm. I need you lay still for me, please, so we get an accurate reading.”

“Mama?” Brianna whispered.

“I’m here, baby.” Amari stepped closer to the stretcher, leaned over the railing, and clasped Brianna’s fingers.

“Where’s Ms. Thalia?”

Thalia stepped up and stood shoulder to shoulder with Amari. “Right here.”

“Good.” Brianna relaxed back onto the stretcher and her eyes drifted closed. “I need to show you the ball machine.”

★

Skunk Anansie’s “You Saved Me” finished playing as Thalia pulled into the guest parking lot of the children’s hospital. After driving around the lot for ten minutes, she found a space on the top deck large enough for her truck. Parents with children of varying ages walked from the parking lot to the building. Some with children in wheelchairs, some pushed babies and toddlers in strollers, others held hands, and a few children walked independent of their parents. Every adult wore universal expressions of concern and worry. A few managed smiles so forced it made Thalia turn away. Shoving aside grim memories of her brother’s lingering death, she picked up the waxed paper bag with the baked treats from Bella’s.

After shouldering her bag, she locked the truck and walked to the hospital building. Inside she dodged families waiting for the elevators, skirting the lobby until she reached the doorway to the stairs.

A dank smell filled her nose as she pushed though the heavy fire door into the stairwell. She took the dingy stairs down to the bridge connecting the parking garage with the main hospital. In the lobby of the hospital, she joined children and adults who were transfixed by the perpetual motion ball machine. The brightly colored balls rolled, dropped, bounced, and spun, striking tubes of different shapes and sizes, creating a random musical sound, before they were collected and lifted in cups on a chain to start the cycle again.

Brianna had cried when Thalia had tried to leave, desperate to show her the ball machine. The nurse had been kind enough to bring Brianna past the machine on the way to her room. Brianna had delighted in showing it to Thalia. They had spent a full ten minutes just watching the multicolored golf balls as they traveled fantastic patterns and random pathways. Brianna had extracted a promise from Thalia that she would come back in the morning to see her before her scheduled surgery.

Amari’s grateful expression and the strong hug she had given Thalia as she said good night had stuck with Thalia, haunted her the entire time she drove home. Thalia turned away from the display and walked to the hospital gift shop. Brightly colored mylar balloons were arranged on the wall behind the counter.

After purchasing a pink-and-gold balloon decorated with rainbows and shaped like Poppy from the Trolls movie, Thalia followed the signs to the elevators. While she waited for the elevators, a warm glow settled in her belly. Brianna was such a sweet kid. She had burrowed into Thalia’s heart with her insistence on Thalia’s staying with them. Amari’s request to talk, surreal in the moment, had Thalia believing that they might at least salvage a friendship from the ashes of their fledgling attempt at dating.

The elevator arrived. She stepped in and pressed the button for sixth floor. The doors opened on to a quiet ward. Thalia found her way to the nurse’s station. Behind the tall desk a young woman in purple scrubs was typing into a computer. She looked up when Thalia approached. “Hi. Can I help you?”

“I’m here to see Brianna Foster, room six-twelve.”

“Are you Thalia?”

“Yes.”

The woman smiled. “At last. They had space on the surgery schedule and took her down early. I promised Brianna I would send you to the waiting area, so she could see you when she woke up. If you take the elevator down to the third floor, the surgical waiting room is to your left.”

★

The surgical waiting room had windows that looked out over downtown Akron. Small groups of people were clustered around rows of chairs, most glued to their phones or watching the television screens on the walls. A few toddlers played on an orange-and-brown rug with toys and trains. Thalia scanned the room to locate Amari.

In an alcove, away from the other people, Amari was crammed into the far corner of a loveseat. Her hands were knotted in her lap, her face drawn. Thalia walked to where she was sitting.

Thalia placed her bag on the loveseat. “Hey there. I brought you something.”

Amari lifted her head. A frown crossed her face before she broke into a quiet smile. “Hi. Brianna will be so happy you came.”

Amari’s clothes were rumpled, a glaring clue to her state of mind. Every time Thalia had seen her, even on a casual Sunday at home, her jeans were pressed and her shirt crisp.

“I wouldn’t break a promise to her.” Thalia peered over her shoulder at the waiting area. “Is your mom here?”

“She had an appointment with her cardiologist. I didn’t want her to miss it. She’ll come later to drive us home. They said Brianna can go home later today if she does all right after surgery.” Amari gestured at the brightly colored balloon. “She’ll love that.”

Thalia looped the tie to the balloon through the handle of her purse before she perched on the armchair of the loveseat. She held out the wax paper bag with pretzel rolls from Bella’s. “I got you some breakfast. I didn’t bring coffee. I figured it would be cold by the time I got here.”

“Thank you.” Amari took the bag, opened it, peeked inside, and pulled out a pretzel roll. “Are these the toffee? I love these.”

“They are. Diane said you’d love them.” Thalia looked toward the nurses’ station. “Do they have coffee? You want me to get you some?”

Amari pointed to a small room behind the desk. “No, thank you. If you want some, they have what they call coffee in that room. It’s hot, and strong, but other than that I can’t recommend it.”

“Noted.”

Amari finished the roll in three bites. “Thank you. Brianna didn’t want me to leave to get breakfast. She was afraid they would take her to surgery and I wouldn’t be able to find her. I hope this didn’t wreck your schedule.” She set the bag aside and stifled a yawn.

“No,” Thalia lied, because no matter how much her father would berate her for taking a day off, there was no way she would break her promise to Brianna.

Thalia sat on the loveseat. “Do you want me to get you some real coffee? They have a shop over in the office building.”

Amari shook her head in the negative. “No. You’ve done so much already. And if Brianna wakes up and you’re not here, she’ll never forgive me.”

“You could’ve called me. I would have come sooner.”

Amari shrugged. “You were here so late. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Thalia rested her hand on Amari’s arm. “Did you sleep at all?”

“I dozed.” Amari looked away from Thalia. “You would think after all the time I spent in hospitals I’d be better at sleeping in them.”

Thalia squeezed Amari’s forearm once and shifted on to the loveseat, unwilling to delve into the haunted expression on Amari’s face. “When did they take her to surgery? Did they say how long it would be?”

“Eight. They said about three hours before she’ll be in recovery.”

Thalia glanced at the large digital time display near the desk. “Another hour and a half then. Why don’t you try to nap? I’ll wake you when they call us to see her.”

Amari leaned back against the couch. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“Not at all. I didn’t come to be entertained.” Thalia patted the outside pocket of her bag. “I have my planner and a book.”

“What are you reading?”

“A new one by Celeste Quon, Voices of Fire and Rain.”

“I have that one on my nightstand, but I haven’t started it. Are you liking it?”

“Very much. I had to force myself to stop reading last night.”

“An excellent recommendation. Will you hold this? It’ll light up and vibrate when we can go to see her.” Amari held out the flat disc-shaped pager.

Thalia took the pager from Amari. “Close your eyes. I’ll be here.”

Amari folded her hands on her stomach. Her eyes fluttered shut as she leaned back. She scooted down and rested her head on the back of the loveseat. Thalia placed her purse on the floor before she moved closer to the arm of the loveseat. She held tight to the pager. The fine lines around Amari’s eyes eased as she relaxed. Visible tension drained away, and Thalia knew the exact moment Amari fell asleep.

Thalia pulled her phone from her pocket. She scrolled though the screed from her father after she called off for the day. Five years. That was the last time Thalia had called off. She had worked through colds, raging headaches, hangovers from hell, and with a broken heart. After sending a quick text to Nico warning him of her father’s mood, she powered her phone down and placed it in her bag.

Tomorrow. She would deal with him tomorrow. Her thoughts spiraled as she contemplated her resignation. Her brother’s chiding over brunch a month ago Sunday had sealed it. His remark that Thalia quitting her job was as likely as their mother actually taking the trip to Greece she had talked about for as long as Thalia could remember had pierced her soul.

Thalia’s mother clung to the idea visiting her extended family, for years saying “maybe next year” every time anyone asked her when she would go. It had become a bitter joke in the family. “When Mom goes to Greece” became a shorthand way of saying “never.”

Thalia pulled her notebook from her bag and flipped to the page she had worked out her finances on, a budget for the savings she had, and a list of ideas for earning more working part-time for Dale.

She made a note to call Morgan and thank her again for suggesting the idea. Taking on small side jobs with Dale would help to stretch her budget.

Thalia flipped to the next page in her journal. Bold purple ink stark against the cream-colored page outlined what she would say to her father. She had labored over her words, knowing whatever she said to him would be tossed back at her, used to make her out to be an ungrateful daughter, and if he truly became unhinged, he would tell her once again she was a perverted freak who would never amount to anything, and who would starve.

Squaring her shoulders, Thalia silently rehearsed the speech she would deliver to her father on Friday, after she deposited her check. She rolled her eyes at the way her father clung to paper checks, another way for him to keep control of the money. At least he passed them out at noon so she could be sure her final paycheck was deposited safely in her account before she resigned.

Thalia would finish out the month. Turn in the keys to the business truck, and then after her brother and cousin had left, she would tell her father she was done. No drama. At least on her end. She chewed her lip and pushed aside possible scenarios that involved a more physical response from her dad as she moved the worn card with Officer Miesha Wright’s contact number on it to the front pocket of her planner.

It had been two years since she had involved the police when her dad had attacked Nico. They had brawled in the parking lot over a wrongly completed invoice. She had hoped that it would encourage her father to get the help he needed to manage his anger. Instead, it had driven the wedge between them deeper. Thalia placed her planner back into her purse.

A soft snore escaped from Amari. Thalia glanced over at her. An ache settled in her heart as her gaze fell on Amari’s clasped hands and the band of gold that circled the third finger of her left hand. The thin band might have as well been a meter-thick wall.

Friends. They would be friends. Thalia would have to convince her stupid heart to let go of its pitiful fantasy that she and Amari could ever be more than friends, with no benefits. Thalia had at least that much respect for herself.

Amari turned in her sleep. She pulled her legs up and curled into the couch. Thalia reached out, slid her arm around Amari’s shoulders, and urged her to lie down. Mumbling incoherently, Amari shifted until her upper body was on the couch and her head was in Thalia’s lap.

Thalia rested her hand on Amari’s arm. The dull ache in her heart settled into a familiar one. The overhead lights shone on Amari’s wedding ring. Thalia studied the simple band. Fine scratches covered its worn surface, a physical declaration of Amari’s devotion to her wife, unyielding and everlasting.

Thalia closed her eyes and imagined what it would be like to have a love so strong, to be loved so much that time and mortality were meaningless. She opened her eyes and stared down at Amari’s face. Friends. They would be friends. No more, no less. The intimacy of their positions, the way Amari had trusted Thalia to keep her safe while she slept, and Amari’s weight on her thighs was sweet and tortuous at the same moment. Another reminder of what Thalia was destined to never to have.

★

“Amari. The pager went off.”

Thalia’s gentle voice close to her ear startled Amari awake. “What?” She rubbed at her gritty eyes.

“They’re paging you.”

The buzz and vibration of the pager wove its way into Amari’s sleep-starved brain. “Oh. Right.” She gazed up at Thalia’s face and her deep-brown eyes. In that moment, she realized two things. One, she was lying with her head on Thalia’s lap, and two, she didn’t want to move. The pager vibrated again and dragged her brain back to the reality of her situation. Amari shifted and forced herself to stand. She covered her mouth with one hand as she rifled her pockets for her box of mints. “I’m sorry. My breath must be hideous.” She located a small tin of peppermints, opened it, and then popped one into her mouth. “Would you like one?”

“Sure.” Thalia held out her hand for the offered mint. She placed the tiny white mint in her mouth before she stood. She handed Amari the pager and then picked up her bag and collected the balloon.

Amari led the way to the desk. Thalia’s warm presence at her shoulder was comforting. The knowledge that she was not alone, that Thalia cared for her and Brianna enough to keep her promises, filled her heart.

Amari handed the pager to the woman at the desk. A nurse in maroon scrubs standing by the end of the desk greeted them. “Come with me. Brianna’s awake.”

Amari and Thalia followed the nurse down the halls to the recovery room. A fine sweat broke out on Amari’s forehead. The bright lights and numerous sounds of monitors and machines brought back images of Rebecca’s last moments. She blinked her panic aside.

When they arrived at the stretcher, Brianna’s eyes were closed. A bright-purple cast covered her arm. The cast was split and wrapped with gauze.

Amari lifted her hand and touched Brianna’s cheek. Her eyes fluttered open. “Mama?”

“I’m here. Thalia’s here too.”

★

Amari waited until Brianna was enthralled with her favorite scene in Trolls World Tour to sidle closer to Thalia. The scent of her lemon verbena soap, understated and enticing, filled her senses.

Amari touched Thalia’s shoulder.

Thalia kept one hand on the bed rail and turned toward Amari. Her gaze fell on Amari’s hand.

Amari pulled her hand away. “If you need to go, she’ll be okay. Thank you for coming.”

Thalia shrugged. “I don’t have anywhere to be.” She glanced toward Brianna and then back to Amari. “If you want, I can wait until they discharge her and take you home. Save your mom a trip.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

Thalia leaned closer and whispered, “Couldn’t, or wouldn’t? I’m not trying to force myself on you, or expect this to lead to anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m not worried about anything other than taking advantage of your good nature. I should have never left that night.” She swallowed on a dry throat. “I’ve regretted it every day since. I tried calling you.”

Thalia grimaced. “I blocked you. I needed some space. I suck at boundaries.”

Amari crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself. “Which is why I don’t think it’s right for you to take even more of your time to help me.”

“I’m not doing it for you.”

“What?”

“I’m not sure why you keep thinking I’m desperate to be more than friends with you. I’m here because I made a promise to Brianna. And I drove you here because it was the decent thing to do. There’s no reason for a child to suffer because the so-called grown-ups are struggling to sort their relationship. I’m here for Brianna, and your mom is a sweetheart. If I can do something to make her life a bit easier, I’m going to do it.” Thalia pursed her lips with one hand on her hip. “That make it better?”

Stung by Thalia’s tone and unvarnished words, Amari flinched. “I suppose.”

“It’s settled then.” Thalia turned back to the bed.

Amari scrubbed her hand over her eyes. The weight of her past behavior and the day settled over her shoulders.

“Brianna, is it okay if I step out to call Grammy?” Amari pulled her phone from her pocket.

“Sure. Ms. Thalia’s here.” Brianna kept her gaze fixed on the television screen.

Amari walked to the doorway. At the door she paused and turned to look back at Brianna and Thalia. Brianna had her hand wrapped around Thalia’s arm as they both watched the movie. Their giggles melded as they stared at the screen.

An ache settled in her chest. Thalia’s affection for Brianna was palpable. She cared, accepted Brianna as she was, cared enough to keep her word and to treat Brianna well even if Amari had been hideous to Thalia.

A wave of anxiety swept through Amari. She needed to make this right, to try again, before she made the biggest mistake in her life. She needed to ask for Thalia’s forgiveness, throw herself at Thalia’s feet and beg, if necessary, for a second chance, to ask her to at least be friends even if there was no chance for more.