Johnnie tried to hold her gaze, but it was so penetrating, so stirring. She was already reaching inside and touching her, maneuvering things.
“Both. I don’t like talking about me.”
“I picked up on that. What else?”
“I don’t like…that you’re so attractive.”
The woman put the tip of the pen to her mouth. “So if you didn’t find me attractive this would somehow be easier?”
Johnnie again had to look away. “Probably.”
“Why is that?”
Johnnie didn’t want to answer, but she knew the woman would insist and wait her out. “Because I wouldn’t be thinking about it all the time. I wouldn’t be worried about it.”
“Worried about what?”
Johnnie gripped the pillow. “About what you think. About whether or not you think I’m attractive.” She nearly sighed at the confession. Her heartbeat was in her ears.
“I see.” She wrote some more and then stopped to look at her.
“Why does it matter if I’m attracted to you?”
“It—just does.”
“It makes the fantasy more real for you.”
“Isn’t that the point?”
“Yes.”
Johnnie sighed.
The woman reached over and touched her hand. “If you know what this is and you don’t like it, why did you come back?”
Johnnie stood. The feel of her hot hand was too much. “I don’t know. I’m fucking insane I guess.”
“Would you like to see someone else? I can suggest others.”
Johnnie turned quickly to look at her. “No.”
The woman was silent. “Do you want to end this?”
Johnnie massaged her forehead. “No. I want you to keep making me feel…alive.”
The woman stood. She placed her pen and pad on the couch and touched Johnnie’s arm. She leaned into her.
“Excited?” she whispered in her ear.
Johnnie shuddered. “Yes.”
“Take off your shirt,” she said.
Johnnie closed her eyes.
She hesitated, but the woman took her hands and placed them at the bottom of her T-shirt.
Johnnie peeled her shirt off over her head. She felt the woman take it from her hand. Her body heaved with excited breath.
“Now your bra.”
Johnnie opened her eyes. The woman was watching her. She was looking at her like she wanted desperately to touch her.
“Don’t be afraid.”
“It’s been a long time,” Johnnie said as her voice caved with emotion and desire.
“I understand,” she said. She moved behind her. “I won’t look.”
Johnnie breathed deeply. Her skin came to life under the woman’s continued stare.
“You don’t have to do it. Everything is up to you.”
Johnnie turned her head to speak to her. “Help me,” she said, reaching back to unlatch her bra.
She felt the woman still her hands and release the hook on the bra. It fell loose off Johnnie’s shoulders.
“May I help you take it off?” the woman asked.
Johnnie nodded, noting her bated breath. She allowed the woman to guide it over her arms and hands. She took it behind her, probably placing it with the shirt. Johnnie stood very still, ample breasts puckering in the air. She felt lightheaded yet heavy. Hot yet chilled.
The woman found her hands and leaned in to whisper in her ear.
“Do you want me to touch you?”
Johnnie’s knees weakened. She could feel the woman’s quickened breath on her neck and in her ear.
“Can you—do that?”
Silence.
“You can. You can touch yourself and pretend it’s me. Would you like that?”
Johnnie couldn’t control her breathing. The room was spinning. “Yes.”
The woman pressed closer. “Raise your hands,” she said.
“Now, touch yourself and pretend your hands are mine. Show me how you want me to touch you.”
“Oh God,” Johnnie felt the hot twitch between her legs. She was wet and nearly panting.
Slowly, she moved her hands up her sides, lightly along her abdomen, up and around her breasts. Her nipples tightened, beckoning to be touched.
“You feel so good,” the woman breathed.
Johnnie moaned softly.
“Just close your eyes and feel,” she said. “Feel our hands together, worshipping you. Let all the bad go. Just think of now and how good it feels.”
Johnnie’s clit began to throb. She moved against the woman, wanting to face her. She wanted to take her mouth in hers.
She tried to turn, but the woman wouldn’t let her. Instead she stilled her and held her hips.
“You must learn patience.”
“I want to see you, feel you.”
“No.”
“I want more.”
The woman struggled for breath. Johnnie felt her tremble. She seemed to struggle for words. “First you need to feel. Exist in the moment.”
“I am feeling. I am existing. Christ, I’m so wet.”
The woman grew silent. “You want to come.”
Johnnie tensed. “Yes.”
The woman released her and backed away.
“If you want to come, go ahead.”
Johnnie blinked. “What?”
“Go ahead. I will be right here.” She sat, her eyes burning and alive.
“I don’t understand. You just told me to let that go.”
“I think you will do much better if you learn to channel your desires, yes. That’s what I’m trying to get you to do.”
Johnnie stared into the woman’s eyes. “I think I finally understand.”