Johnnie reached past her for her damp clothes. They chilled her as she dressed, but it didn’t stop the pulse between her legs.
The woman surprised her by speaking strongly again. “Did you bring yourself to climax after our last visit?”
Johnnie wasn’t sure she heard her correctly. “Does that matter?”
“I assumed you did.”
“Well, I didn’t.”
“Did you take a lover?”
Johnnie stared at her in disbelief. “No, did you?”
The woman appeared shocked at the question, but then the look was gone.
“Tell me, what did you do after our last session?”
Johnnie tried to forget the breath in her ear, the press of her body, the feel of her own hands.
“I went home and I painted.”
The woman crossed her legs. A hint of a smile came.
“That’s good news.”
Johnnie hugged the throw pillow.
“Are you not pleased with that?”
“I’m fine with it.”
The woman wrote in her notes. “You’re upset now. Why?”
“I feel exposed.”
The woman lowered her notes. She moved closer. When she took Johnnie’s hand, she squeezed. “We don’t have to do anything like that again.”
Johnnie laughed, feeling crazy. “I would agree, only I liked it. A lot.”
“Do you feel safe with me?”
Johnnie looked down at her beautiful hand. “I do.”
“Then how can I make you feel better? Unbutton my shirt? Show you mine?” She smiled.
Johnnie rolled her eyes. “If I said yes you still wouldn’t do it.”
“No.”
They were silent for a moment.
“You’re worried that I can’t handle this,” Johnnie said.
“I know the things I’ve said and done reached you deeply.”
Johnnie didn’t speak.
The woman continued. “I know it’s how you’re built, but I need to be sure you can handle it. That you want to handle it.”
Johnnie grew serious. “I handle it every day. There’s no extent to what I can handle.”
The woman smiled. “I would imagine not, considering you feel and experience what others can’t or avoid. Life isn’t easy for you.”
“It isn’t easy for anyone. People just have filters that I don’t.”
“Which is why this will really get to you.”
“It already is.”
“Yes.”
“I’m stronger than I seem.”
“I know. I don’t think you always know though.”
Johnnie couldn’t believe how right she was. “I know how you can make me feel better,” she said.
The woman leaned back and smiled. “Okay.”
“Tell me what to call you.”
Her hand went to her gold necklace where it toyed with a charm.
“You can call me whatever you like.”
“Anything?”
“Within reason.” She smiled.
“I want you to call me Johnnie.”
“Johnnie?”
“Yes, I can’t stand Riot. It’s ridiculous.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t know what to call you, so please just pick something. Something you like.”
“I really have no idea.”
“What do your other clients call you?”
“Different things.”
“But what do you like? I don’t want to call you something meaningless. You’re real. A person. You have thoughts and feelings. I know you do because I can feel you.” Johnnie closed her mouth and looked away. She’d said too much. Given herself away.
The woman cleared her throat. She chose not to respond to that, and Johnnie was grateful.
She stood and crossed to her desk. She sat behind it and wrote more in her notes.
“I’ve made you nervous,” Johnnie said, sensing it, noting her proximity.
“Oh?” She looked up, curious.
“I think so.”
“I’m fine, Johnnie. And remember we’re here to talk about you.”
“I thought we were supposed to tell the truth. Or does that only pertain to me?”
The woman stood and leaned on the desk. She crossed her arms. “Why don’t you tell me what you painted?”
Johnnie was caught off guard by the question. “It isn’t important.”
“If it’s not important, then it should be no trouble to tell me.”
“It’s private,” Johnnie said a little louder than she’d meant.
“Okay.” She walked closer with her eyes trained on Johnnie’s. “What was it that helped you paint this private painting of yours?”
Johnnie squeezed the pillow.
“Can you answer?”
“I can’t think,” Johnnie confessed. She was losing control again, leaving it behind in a trail of dust.
“Why are you so afraid to look at me? Is it because I move you?”
Johnnie trembled.
“Yes.”
“Why are you alone, Johnnie? Surely women want to be with you, touch you. Why don’t you let them?”
“I haven’t wanted anyone.”
The woman met her serious gaze and then dropped her hands. “Why?”
“I haven’t been drawn to anyone. Attracted to anyone. Why? I don’t know.”
“You want me, though?”
“Yes. But I would never let myself go there. Not really. I don’t want to let anyone in. Even you.”
The answer seemed to surprise her. She looked away suddenly.
“I see.” She crossed her arms again. “So should I or should I not continue with things like we did today?”
“I want you to,” Johnnie said. “I don’t want you to stop. That is, as long as you’re willing.”
The woman didn’t speak and her hand went to her necklace. “I will help you any way I can.”
“Thank you. I know it isn’t easy for you with me.”
“How do you mean?”
Johnnie looked up at her. “Nothing, never mind.”
For the first time, the woman looked vulnerable, exposed. She busied herself with paperwork on her desk.
“I think that’s enough for today.”
Johnnie stood.
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
She offered a smile. “I’m fine. Quit worrying.”
Johnnie stood still, and waited. When the woman stopped, she looked over at her and appeared to try desperately for something to say. “See me next week,” she said. “Tell Julia—”
“I need to see you sooner than that,” Johnnie said.
The woman looked taken aback.
“If that’s okay with you.”
“I—check with Julia. If I’m available, that’s fine.”
Johnnie nodded.
“Any advice for tonight? Like go feel these feelings?”
The woman stared at her. Again, she seemed to be at a loss for words. “Yes, Johnnie. I think you should go home and feel. Think about today and see where it leads you.”
She walked slowly to the door and quietly pulled it open.
She gave Johnnie a reassuring smile. But Johnnie wasn’t sure if she was trying to reassure Johnnie or herself.