Johnnie was sitting at a crowded table on the patio at Amsterdam’s, a popular gay club in downtown Phoenix. The night was mild and a bit breezy. She tried to relax every time it blew against her skin, but the music was as loud as her company, making her uneasy. Eddie was laughing hysterically at something his new beau had said, and the rest of the crew, men and women she’d known for a couple of years, were also laughing and drinking. They’d all been glad to see her, welcoming her with long hugs and firm embraces. It had meant a lot, but she was still uncomfortable with all the energy in the place. The second she’d walked in the door, she could feel person after person. Feel not only their stares, but their emotions, energy. It often bombarded her, nearly slamming her backward. She had to steel herself in order to remain, put up a wall of sorts. Unfortunately, this often came off as her being rude or snobbish. But her friends knew better, and they were all that mattered.
She sipped her beer and eyed her watch. She wondered how long she had to stay before she could take off without Eddie throwing a fit. It was just after ten so she knew she had at least two more hours to go. She looked forward to the walk to the tram in the quiet night. Maybe she would ride beyond her stop and back again, enjoying the soothing ride, the rushing streetlights out the windows.
“Oh. My. God,” Eddie said, getting her attention.
“Oh, hell no,” her friend Monica said.
Johnnie looked at them and then followed their gaze to the entrance to the patio. Her heart sank to her stomach. She actually felt herself sink down a little in her chair.
“She better not come over here.”
Johnnie looked down and played with her beer, praying her ex, Gail, wouldn’t see her.
“She will. She has no shame,” Eddie said.
Johnnie wanted to escape. She wanted to run, hop the fence and run. But she sat frozen, trapped by the safety net of her friends. She sat and waited for the confrontation and tried to think of what she would say. Should she say hello, ask how she was doing? Or should she do the ignore and look away? Her heart raced in anticipation, and her ears felt full of cotton. She could feel a powerful stare on her, and she knew Gail had spotted her. Eddie said something, but it sounded muffled. Monica gripped her arm and smiled reassuringly. She leaned into her.
“She’s gone,” she said. “We got you. You can relax.”
Johnnie exhaled and looked back to the entrance of the patio. A cluster of laughing men stood where Gail had been.
“Did she—see me?” Johnnie asked. She’d been the one to finally end it with Gail after numerous reconciliations. Since then Gail had tried a few times to win her back. But Johnnie, with the help of her friends, had held firm, which had resulted in Gail getting very angry. She’d gone on the attack and bad-mouthed her to all their friends and acquaintances. Johnnie could still remember the attacks and phone calls from people who’d fallen for her manipulation. People who she’d thought were her friends.
“Don’t worry about it,” Monica said. “I won’t let her near you.”
Johnnie drank her beer and tried to smile when Monica leaned in and kissed her cheek. Monica had always been a good friend, and Johnnie got good vibes from her. She was mid-twenties, attractive, educated. She was bold and fearless in ways Johnnie could only ever wish to be. Monica was a cop so Johnnie guessed it came with the job.
“You seeing anyone yet?” she asked. Her dark eyebrows rose with interest. Her equally dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, taming her thick mane. She’d obviously come straight from her shift. Her hair and black watch gave her away. Normally, when they went out Monica wore her hair down and her more expensive watch. Johnnie wondered what she’d dealt with that day. Sometimes, Johnnie knew, Monica dealt with very serious stressful situations. And no matter how hard she tried to shake it and leave it behind, it clung to her like a bad smell.
“No, you know me.”
Monica sipped her Seven and Seven. Her toned arm flexed as she handled her glass. “When are you going to give in and give me a chance?”
Johnnie flushed as she stared into her reflective black eyes. Monica was attractive and she had a wonderful sense of humor and purpose. But she was too much for Johnnie. Too intense. Too aggressive. She often said things Johnnie found insensitive or rude. Not to mention the feelings and trauma she brought home with her. Johnnie would have to shield herself from her words and feelings twenty-four seven. The thought alone stressed her out. How could she explain any of that to her?
“It’s just not a good idea,” Johnnie said. “You’d grow bored.”
“I doubt that.”
“You would. I paint all day long and then stay home and watch old movies.”
Monica studied her closely. “I think I could get you out every now and then.”
“I wouldn’t want you to even try. You shouldn’t have to try. You deserve someone who’s more like you.”
“A cop?” Monica laughed. “No, thanks. I would like someone who doesn’t have to deal with the shit I do. Someone calm, caring, understanding. Someone like you.”
Johnnie warmed a little. “Thanks, I think.”
Monica tipped her glass to her. “Can we give it a try? One date?”
Johnnie fought shifting in her seat. Monica touched her arm lightly. She seemed to sense her discomfort.
“You know what? Don’t even worry about it. I don’t want to pressure you. I would never want to make you uncomfortable, and I don’t want you to say yes unless you mean it. A pity date I do not need.”
Johnnie met her gaze. She was being sincere. “You’re pretty caring aren’t you?” Johnnie asked.
“You seem surprised.” She looked away. “It’s the job, I know. Sometimes the attitude is hard to shake when you’re off duty.”
“I can imagine.”
“Some things just get to you no matter how hard you try to block them out or forget.”
“I can sense it sometimes,” Johnnie said softly.
Monica stared down at her glass. “I thought you might.”
“You’re very strong,” Johnnie said, meaning it.
Monica scoffed. “It’s all in the attitude. Most of the time I’m scared shitless.”
“That’s a good thing. If you weren’t scared or worried in those situations, it would probably be even more dangerous.”
Monica smiled. “Probably.”
“Do you sleep okay?”
Her face clouded. She took several deep sips of her drink.
Johnnie knew she’d hit a nerve. “You don’t have to say.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just not used to someone being so intuitive. I’m not used to someone seeing me deeply.”
“I know the feeling,” Johnnie said, sipping her own drink.
Monica laughed. “Then you know how weird it feels.”
Johnnie nodded. “Yes.”
“Would you always be like this…if we dated I mean?”
Johnnie shrugged. “Probably. It’s just who I am.”
Monica seemed to think for a moment. “It would be interesting,” she said. “Dating you.”
Johnnie laughed. “Somehow I know I shouldn’t take that as a compliment.”
Monica spilled some of her drink in laughter as she tried to sip. “It was, crazy. Totally a compliment.”
Johnnie sat back and breathed deeply. The breeze caused her hair to tickle her forehead. The sky was only dark enough to show a handful of stars. People were sitting and chatting, enjoying the evening. Two men were kissing passionately. Eddie was tickling his guy, causing hysterics at their table. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was having a good time. It was nice to be out.