Elaine opened her eyes and focused on the elevated television in front of her. It was on a DIY home show, and the volume was low and coming through the handheld nurse remote near her side. She arrowed through the channels and frowned when she found nothing interesting. She’d been in the bed for days, and she was antsy and uncomfortable. She wasn’t used to being away from home and the bed she’d shared with Barb.
“How are we feeling today?” a nurse asked as she came in the room, rubbing her hands together with hand sanitizer. She checked Elaine’s machines, changed out the IV, and snapped on some gloves. “Let’s check your incision.” She opened Elaine’s gown and removed the bandage. Elaine refrained from looking. When she saw the staples and the red of the cut, she felt like Frankenstein, and she hated thinking about her chest cavity wide open and her heart being handled. In fact, it terrified her, and she was rarely afraid of anything.
“I’m not afraid to die,” she said, surprising herself. She wasn’t. She would be with Barb, and with her heart trouble, it was something she’d had to face before. What she was afraid of was living through all of this. The staples, the scar, the manhandling of her heart, the beeping of the damn machine, keeping track of every beat, driving her mad. If the beep fell and went long with a flat line, would she hear it or would she already be gone?
The nurse, who smelled like baby lotion, bandaged her back up and patted her arm. “You don’t need to worry about that.” She played with the blanket and the sheet. “Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?”
“I’d really like another pillow. And a shower.”
“We can do that. Give me a second, sweetie.” She winked and left the room.
Elaine stared at all the flowers she’d been sent from friends. Michael and his husband had come every day. The others kept their distance per her request. She didn’t want people seeing her like this. She felt vulnerable, imperfect. Image was everything in her business, and she had to maintain her strong confident self. Doing so also helped her. Knowing she was down at the moment frightened her a bit. She needed a shower, a change of clothes. And maybe tomorrow she could go.
Maybe tomorrow she could go home and make sure Johnnie knew she could come for an appointment. Though she’d tried not to get her hopes up, and despite the fact she didn’t like Johnnie seeing her like this, she’d secretly tensed each time the door had opened, thinking it might be her. Something inside her sparked each time Johnnie was around, and it was becoming more and more difficult for her to ignore. She knew the line had been drawn as far as dating her or touching her, but it was her little secret that she enjoyed pushing everything right up to that line.
Michael, however, could see it. And he’d brought Johnnie up each time he visited, offering to call her, et cetera. And he’d known at once that Kyle was a one-night stand kind of deal. He didn’t say anything about her, just made his point with his grunts and faces. The message had been clear; he didn’t like her messing around with random people for sex. He thought it was useless, harmless to her emotionally, and dangerous to her physically.
“Here we go.” The nurse returned with a pillow and a shower kit. Then she covered her wound for the shower. She turned on the water and freed Elaine from her IV. Then she helped her to the shower. Elaine had been walking every day, and she was pretty good on her feet, so she was able to shower on her own. The nurse left her, and Elaine relished the hot water and lathered herself again and again. She needed to shave and she needed more conditioner, but she would have to hold off until she got home. Right now, she was just thankful for the soap, small bottle of shampoo, and hot water. It revived her and brought a smile to her face. By the time she dried off and slipped into a fresh gown, she was in a brighter mood, looking forward to the future. And she’d just crawled into the fresh sheets the nurse had provided for her when the door opened.
“Michael, really, you don’t have to come twice a day,” she said. “But I love you for doing so.”
“Hi,” a voice said. Johnnie peeked around the corner. She looked unsure and nervous.
Elaine’s heart fluttered. “Johnnie, hi.” She was breathless.
“Is it a good time to visit?”
“Of course.” Elaine shifted in the bed and fingered her wet hair. She must look like a drowned rat with her wet head and pale skin, dark marks beneath her eyes. She felt better, yes, but she’d been weak for a while, and she knew her body showed it.
Johnnie crossed the room with a large wrapped basket. She set it on the foot of the bed and wheeled the food tray so that it was in front of Elaine. Then she placed the basket on the table.
“Open it,” she said as she sat down next to the bed.
“You shouldn’t have,” Elaine said. “Can’t you see I’m already spoiled?” She looked at all the flowers.
Johnnie, however, didn’t look away from her. She was taking her in, inhaling everything about her. Elaine could feel it.
“Forgive me,” she said. “I know I must look a sight.”
Johnnie scooted closer. “You look amazing,” she said. “You look like you. The real you. And I can’t seem to take my eyes off you.”
Elaine felt a blush coming on. How long had it been since someone made her blush?
“You’re very kind,” she said, unsure what to say. She wanted to stare back, but she didn’t dare for fear that Johnnie would feel her or read her. Or maybe she already was.
“Open your gift,” Johnnie said with a smile. She seemed excited, and her eyes danced in the angled sunlight coming through the window.
“Really, you shouldn’t have.”
“I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to give it to you yesterday, but you were asleep when I stopped by.”
Elaine stopped her hands from opening. Johnnie had come; she’d been there. Her fluttering heart warmed. She smiled and willed the tears to remain in her throat. She swallowed them down and continued opening the gift.
“Wow,” she said as she handed the paper to Johnnie who wadded it and threw it in the trash bin. It was a basket full of scented lotions, candles, and bath accessories, including shampoo and conditioner. Are these floating candles?” She held up a small rose-shaped candle with a flat bottom.
“Yes. I took a guess at what you might like. And I know the doctor said less stress…so I got you candles and bath salts and oils, for once you get home.”
“It’s…” Elaine looked at her and teared up, “perfect.” How could Johnnie possibly know?
“Are you okay?” Johnnie leaned in, seeing the tears. Elaine held them back, got control.
“Yes, I’m just not used to…”
“Gifts?”
Elaine laughed. “Gifts from the heart,” she clarified. “You put thought into this.”
“I did. I handpicked everything. Smelled the lotions, tried the bath stuff.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
Elaine put down the candles. “Why?” She met her eyes. Johnnie seemed to physically melt beneath her gaze, and Elaine knew in that instant that Johnnie felt it too. Really, truly felt it. It was so thick right now they could cut it with a knife.
Desire. Love. Connection.
Which one was it, she didn’t know.
Perhaps all of them.