“I care,” Johnnie said.
Elaine looked away. Willed herself not to cry. Her emotions were closer to the surface since the surgery. Even Michael had noticed.
“Thank you,” she managed.
“You’re welcome.”
They sat in silence for a moment. Then Johnnie did something Elaine didn’t expect. She took her hand and a bottle of lotion from the basket. She squeezed some out and began massaging it into her hand. Elaine’s breath hitched and she closed her eyes.
“Just relax,” Johnnie whispered. “Don’t think about anything.”
“I can’t,” Elaine confessed. “I can’t stop what I’m feeling.”
Johnnie used her thumbs and massaged her palms. “I can’t either,” Johnnie said. “I know I should, but I can’t. And the truth is…I like it.”
Elaine opened her eyes. Johnnie moved up to her wrist and arm. Elaine was melting in her hands. The gesture was so kind, so generous, so tender. Dear God, she couldn’t hold back.
“I like it too,” she said. “A lot.”
Johnnie stopped and brought her hand to her mouth. She kissed the back of her hand.
“My ex-girlfriend came back,” Johnnie said.
Elaine was so turned on, so relaxed, she didn’t even blink.
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” Johnnie began the massage all over again. “I let her in and everything. And last night, I let her touch me.”
Elaine heated but not in jealousy. She imagined what Johnnie looked like in the throes of passion, what she sounded like when given pleasure.
“I let her, but I thought of you. I imagined it was you.”
Elaine turned to look at her. “You did?”
“Yes.” Johnnie’s cheeks were flushed with what could only be desire.
Elaine stared at her face, watched her upper lip tremble just as it had done that first day, that first appointment. “Did you come?”
Johnnie swallowed but did not look away. “Yes, so hard. So long. I cried out for you. Did you hear me?”
Elaine shook with desire. “I do now.”
Johnnie brought her hand to her mouth again. She kissed it and then angled it to breathe upon her wrist. Elaine made a small noise, and the heat rushed to her clit. Johnnie seemed to sense this and she kissed her wrist and inner arm. Then she leaned in and kissed Elaine on the lips.
The press of her beautiful flesh to hers was all Elaine thought it would be. Warm, soft, tender. Yet strong and powerful. She kissed her back, and they explored each other, tasting and taking. Johnnie held her jaw and took in her lips again and again. Elaine did the same and scouted with her tongue. Johnnie groaned when she felt it and groaned again as she welcomed it and explored with her own.
Elaine clung to Johnnie’s shirt, tried to come up off the bed. But Johnnie held her down and kept the kissing, gentle and controlled. Elaine wanted to pull away and taste her neck, feel her breasts.
“Let me,” she breathed, trying.
Johnnie kissed her. “No. You need to stay calm.”
“I’m far from calm,” Elaine laughed, teasing with her tongue.
“I know; this is not good for you.”
“Oh believe me, it’s very good for me.”
Johnnie pulled away, struggling for breath. “We can’t, not now.”
Elaine reached for her and then let her arms fall. Her heart raced and her entire body screamed to be touched.
She bit her lower lip in frustration.
“I’ll ask if I can go home.” She pressed the call button for the nurse.
Johnnie laughed softly and returned to the chair. “You need to rest,” she said. “Even if you go home.”
She held Elaine’s hand.
“Will you come?” Elaine asked. “To my home?”
Johnnie nodded. “Of course. If that’s what you want.”
Elaine eased back, palmed her chest, and took a deep breath. “It is.”
Johnnie squeezed her hand. A nurse walked in, a different one from before. She hooked Elaine back up to the machines.
“When can I leave?” Elaine asked.
“I don’t know offhand, and the doc’s gone for the evening.”
Elaine sighed.
“But you’re doing very well. Should be soon.” She smiled. “You’ve got quite the gift basket there. I wish somebody would deliver one of those for me.”
Elaine smiled. “I’m very lucky.”
“I’ll say.” The nurse patted her leg and left.
Johnnie grinned. “She likes my gift,” she said.
“Mm.” Elaine looked at her, wanting to taste her. She wanted out of that bed so damned bad.
“She can’t have it.”
Johnnie kissed her hand again. “No, she can’t. It’s just for you.”
The door opened again and Elaine sighed. “I have no more blood; you’ve taken it all.”
But it was Michael who peered around the corner. “Knock knock.”
He had a bottle of wine in his hand and he tiptoed inside.
“Here, take it.” He handed Elaine the bottle, and she tucked it beneath her covers.
“What is this? You’re crazy.”
“You’re going to think I’m crazy when you see what that is.”
Elaine took a glance and her mouth fell open. “Michael Anthony!”
“I told you.”
“Oh my God, you mad man.” Elaine looked at Johnnie. “He just spent a fortune on a bottle of wine.” She eyed the bottle of D’Oliveira Vintage Madeira 1957. He’d easily spent four hundred dollars.
Michael interrupted. “But what you don’t understand and what she’s not telling you is that she’s a bit of a wine snob. Only vintage for her.”
Elaine grimaced at him. “I’ve been better. Been settling for less.”
Johnnie squeezed her hand and rose, most likely to be polite and let Michael visit. Elaine warmed at her kindness but already felt hollow at imagining her leaving.
“I should get going.”
Elaine loved looking at her in the v-neck white tee and worn jeans. Such simple attire held such beauty. It awed her.
She protested her leaving, as did Michael. But Johnnie insisted, and Elaine knew she looked weak, tired. And they very well couldn’t get it on in the hospital. If Johnnie’s heart had raced like hers had, it was probably a good thing she was leaving. Otherwise, no one would be able to pull them apart.
“I have work to do,” she said. Elaine imagined her painting. So focused and intense. A strand of hair falling across her brow to brush back. It made her want her all the more.
She held fast to her hand. “I’ll call you,” she said softly.
Johnnie nodded. She knelt and kissed her tenderly on the lips. “I look forward to it.”
Johnnie left her breathless, looking back once before she rounded the corner.
She and Michael were silent for a long moment after she left. Elaine stared at the spot where she’d disappeared, somehow hoping her presence, her essence would remain.
“She’s very kind,” Michael said, breaking the silence.
Elaine kept staring. “Yes.”
“She’s cares very deeply for you.”
Elaine closed her eyes. “I think so, yes.”
“You care very deeply for her.”
Elaine breathed deeply. “I do.”
More silence, and Elaine opened her eyes to study the gift basket. It was as if she chose each item herself. It was so thoughtful, so intimate somehow. Now when she bathed, she’d think of Johnnie and long for her presence. Johnnie would know what she smelled like, what her bathroom would smell like with the candles. She would know these intimate things about her, and the thought excited her. It would be between them. Their little secret.
“I’m very happy for you,” Michael said. She looked at him and saw the tears. “I’m just so happy.”
Elaine teared up, thinking of Barb. A sensation gnawed at her insides, and she knew it well. Guilt. It killed her excitement and desire, devouring it like a quickly growing cancer. It blackened her, bled through her body until she was completely dark. She cried then, hating herself for feeling anything but love for Barb, hating that she felt such guilt.
Michael inched closer and held her, allowing her to sob. “It’s okay,” he said. “Go ahead and cry.” He held her gently, yet he felt so strong. She smelled his spicy after-shave, and she clung to his muscular form. It was an embrace she could only ever have imagined. She’d never had that embrace as a child. A loving fatherly embrace, telling her it was going to be okay. Protecting her. Harboring her.
But she had it now with Michael, and though it was a long time coming, she clung to it and took it, trusting that it was true and right and good. She cried until she tired and he released her and wiped her tears. Then he tucked the covers in around her. His own cheeks were wet with tears, and his eyes were glossed over. He smiled at her despite it and tapped on the hidden wine bottle.
“Too bad we can’t open that now.”
Elaine laughed, wiping her eyes. “No kidding.”
Michael seemed thoughtful. “Nah, that needs to be shared with someone very special.”
Elaine swallowed against a tear torn throat. “Barb’s not here,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “Johnnie is.”
Elaine glanced at their entwined hands. “I’m not sure I’m ready.”
“No one ever is. You just have to open your heart and try.”
“I’m not sure I can. Not completely.”
“Uh, you looked to be doing a damn good job of it when I walked in.”
Elaine couldn’t help but laugh a little. “That’s just it. She moves me so, and I lose my head and my desire takes over. She just completely floors me, Michael. And leaves me feeling things I’ve never felt, not even with Barb.”
“And that’s what’s bothering you. You feel you’re betraying Barb somehow.”
Elaine nodded. “I guess I am. How can I lose the love of my life only to find that she may not be the love of my life? What kind of person am I?” Her eyelids grew heavy as she spoke, and her last few words were difficult to get out.
“A human,” Michael said. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Now, don’t think. Just rest.”
Elaine’s eyes fell closed, and they were too heavy to open. She breathed deeply and fell into the peaceful realm of sleep.