Green was packed full, and Johnnie had to circle the parking lot several times before she found a parking spot. She thought more than twice about just speeding off and forgetting the whole thing, but she couldn’t imagine leaving Elaine alone at the table, checking her watch, wondering where she was. She just couldn’t do it. She said she’d be there, so here she was.
The sprinkling rain had stopped, but thick thunderheads formed overhead, hanging in her favorite colors of gray and midnight blue. She climbed from her truck, didn’t bother smoothing out her paint splattered clothes, and headed inside. If Elaine didn’t like her now, like this, she never would. She’d been staying at The Anchor, lost in her latest piece, sleeping and dreaming. She was wrinkled with paint cracking on her fingers and her hair tousled. At least she managed to get the shower to work. Even she couldn’t stand going days without a shower. She might look a sight, but she smelled nice.
She entered the restaurant and clenched her fists as her heart rate sped up. The place was crowded, loud, and she was slammed with all the energy all at once. She fought closing her eyes, shutting it all out. Instead she checked in and asked for Elaine. The hostess smiled graciously and showed her where Elaine sat near the back. Johnnie took a step, then hesitated. There were dozens of tables to pass. So many faces, eyes, all on her. They were thinking, feeling, protruding into her space.
Elaine caught sight of her. She waved. Johnnie looked back at the door. She could still make a run for it. Besides, what did Elaine want to say? The same old thing? She wasn’t ready?
Her cell phone rang. It was Elaine, who was still looking at her with gentle concern.
“Hello.”
“Just look at me,” she said softly.
Johnnie did so, then took a step.
“Just lock on to me and walk. I’m right here. There’s no one else but me.”
“You’re not really there,” Johnnie whispered. Elaine would disappear. Vanish. She would tell her so once she sat down.
“Yes, I am. I’m here. I’m right here. Look at me, Johnnie. Now, come to me.”
Johnnie swallowed with difficulty. The words moved her, clenched her heart, and squeezed it to beat. She had help, she was there, she could do this. Her heart wouldn’t fall to her feet or be besieged by others, arrowed, pierced, and bled dry.
She held the phone to her ear and walked, keeping her eyes focused on Elaine’s. She could see the pop of green against her blue shirt. Elaine smiled as she grew closer. She stood as Johnnie reached the table.
“You made it,” she said into the phone.
Johnnie lowered the phone. “I did.”
Elaine rounded the table and touched her face. She smiled softly, and embraced her. Johnnie felt the weight of her body and inhaled the scented lotion she’d bought for her. She hugged her back, nearly fell against her she felt so right.
“Thank you for coming,” Elaine whispered into her ear.
She pulled away to touch her face again, and held out her hands. “You’ve been busy,” she said, returning to her seat.
Johnnie, suddenly self-conscience, hid her hands in her lap.
Elaine laughed softly. “Remember, Johnnie, I don’t care about the paint on you. In fact, I like it.”
Johnnie felt herself heat. Elaine’s gaze was burning into her. She seemed different today, more in control, self-assured. She seemed happy.
“I drove by your studio yesterday, hoping to see you.”
Johnnie sipped her water. “I haven’t been painting there.”
“No? You’ve been painting at home?”
Johnnie returned her glass to the table. “Not exactly.”
Elaine looked down. She seemed embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’m prying.”
Johnnie cleared her throat. “I’ve been at this motel. It’s where Jolene and I stayed the first night I was, uh—on the streets.”
Elaine didn’t blink. She just took in her face and her words and didn’t miss a beat. “Does it comfort you to go back there?”
“It does.” Johnnie confessed the rest of what she didn’t want her to know. “I was homeless,” she said. “Almost two years. Jolene’s my friend, my savior. We stuck together, made it out together.”
“I understand,” Elaine said.
“Do you? Do you hear what I’m saying?”
“Yes, Johnnie, I do. Do you think it’s supposed to bother me?”
Johnnie pushed out a long breath. “I don’t know. Doesn’t it?”
“No. It just explains some things for me. And mostly it makes me feel for you. And it makes me realize just how strong you are.”
Johnnie stared at her in disbelief. Elaine continued.
“And returning to that motel is understandable. It was a roof over your head at a very scary moment. And you’ve also conquered it, moved on. But it was a first step, and sometimes it helped to get perspective by returning to a first step.”
“You’re really fucking amazing you know that?” Johnnie whispered, overtaken with emotion. No one had ever understood her like this. Other than Jolene, no one had cared to.
Elaine laughed a little. “I just see you, Johnnie. Just like you see me.”
“Jolene calls it the bottoms,” Johnnie said. “When I get like this. I just go off and hide there, sleep, work, get my thoughts together.”
“Is it a place you’d like to show me?”
Johnnie laughed. “Um, no.”
“Why not?”
“It’s pretty bad.”
“So? You think I can’t handle it?”
“No, I’m afraid I can’t handle it. You, seeing me there like that.”
“At your bottom?”
Johnnie again sipped her water. Her nerves were showing. Elaine knew it all and she was still sitting there, looking at her like she was the sun and needed her to orbit and survive.
“I just realized I’ve never seen your home,” Elaine said. The waitress brought small salads and took their drink order. Elaine ordered freshly squeezed tomato juice with lemon and Johnnie preferred the water. She ordered an extra glass, knowing if her nerves kept up, she’d finish the first one in no time. Around her, the people and the energy pressed into her, trying to penetrate. But it was as if there was a protective orb around their table. It was only Elaine’s voice she could hear, feel.
“Maybe soon,” she said. She didn’t want to talk about Gail. It was a situation she’d been avoiding, and she could tell it got to Elaine, despite her trying to hide it behind her reserve. “So is this a session of sorts?”
Elaine sipped her tomato juice. “I’m not charging you if that’s what you mean.”
“I’m not worried about that.”
“Good, then we won’t talk about it. You’re someone I wanted to have lunch with. Not a client.”
Johnnie felt the crook of her mouth rise. “You’ll still analyze, give your thoughts, perceptions. You won’t be able to help it.”
“Does that bother you?”
“No.” Johnnie stared into her. “I love how you are. How your mind works.”
Elaine flushed a little, and Johnnie was reminded of her heated skin a few nights before. The way it felt against her lips, tongue, the way it gave slightly when she bit softly. She could still smell her lotion and feel the pulse in her neck against her mouth.
“What are you thinking?” Elaine asked, watching her. “Right now.”
“I’m thinking of you and how you felt beneath my mouth.”
It seemed to amuse her. “Mm.” She touched her neck, pulled her hair down over her shoulder.
“Did I leave a mark?”
Elaine laughed but it was a nervous laugh. “Yes.”
Johnnie watched her closely. Elaine was moved by her, just as she was by her. She could feel the sexual tension coming across the table. Elaine was nervous because she was turned on. She was recalling Johnnie’s mouth on her. Johnnie could sense it, feel it. Her own heart pounded at seeing Elaine react to it.
“We should’ve done this at your place,” Johnnie said, ready to come across the table and take her.
“No,” Elaine said, leaning on her elbow, palm covering her neck. “I wanted to talk. And there, we wouldn’t get much said.”
Johnnie eased back in her chair. “True.”
Elaine smiled and changed the subject. “I can’t wait for you to see the house. I’ve redone so much.”
“Redone?” It had only been a few days.
“New furniture, new paint, new kitchen in progress.”
“What brought that on?” Johnnie was shocked.
“You.”
“Me?”
“I need a new beginning, Johnnie. A fresh start. I want to start that life with you.”
Johnnie felt her breath catch. Elaine smiled, moved by her own words. Her green eyes filled with tears, but she swallowed them back.
Johnnie felt her own throat tighten. The goddamn woman of her dreams was telling her she wanted her in her life. Why couldn’t she speak? Why couldn’t she get up and carry her away?
“Say something,” Elaine pleaded.
“I don’t know what to say,” Johnnie said. She felt so vulnerable. Elaine would have the ability to hurt her, turn on her. It would kill her. She wasn’t sure if she could come back from Elaine.
“Say yes,” Elaine said.
“I want to,” Johnnie said. “Oh my God, I want to.”
“Then say it.”
Johnnie felt panic threaten. What-ifs flooded her mind. “Are you sure you’re ready?” It was a valid question, an important one.
Elaine laughed a little. “No, I’m not. But you’re right. I need to take a chance. Put the past behind me. Jump in.”
Johnnie recalled saying those very things, but at the moment, she couldn’t apply them to herself without the overwhelming fear bombarding her. Elaine wasn’t sure. Johnnie was scared of abandonment, betrayal, God knew what else.
“Johnnie, hi,” a voice said from her right.
Johnnie turned, startled. She almost raised her voice at the person for interrupting their moment. The moment. The most important one of her life. The one she was bombing.
“Monica,” Johnnie breathed. Oh fuck. She was standing there in dark jeans and a tight-fitting button-down. Her dark hair was worn down and glistening against the bright light. She looked pissed, confused, possessive.
Monica forced out a hand at Elaine. “Hi, I’m Monica.”
“Elaine,” Elaine said, smiling politely. She then looked to Johnnie. They both did, and Johnnie felt like melting and oozing right off her chair. Motherfucker.
“Are you a friend of Johnnie’s?” Monica asked, feeling the waters. She was wearing her cop watch and standing firm. She was either going into work or coming off. Either way, she was in cop mode with her questioning. She was acting as if Johnnie were hers. It was plainly obvious, and Elaine’s beautiful face fell.
She stood and reached for her purse. “It seems as though you two have more important things to discuss than you and I do, Johnnie.”
Johnnie stood. “Elaine, no. Monica’s a friend. That’s all.”
Monica scoffed. “How can you say that? I thought we were giving things a chance? You know how I feel about you, and you up and disappear. Is she why?”
Elaine touched her necklace, forced back forming tears. The sight tore Johnnie’s heart out. “You have things to work out, Johnnie. Women. Here, there. Who knows where.” She burned a pain-filled look into her and turned and walked out.
Johnnie stood frozen, all the beautiful feelings she had for her being sucked from her chest up through her mouth, to follow Elaine out. When she disappeared, Johnnie fell into the chair, limp, exhausted. And then all the energy around her attacked.