Elaine felt tears run down her face, but she brushed them away. She was tired of crying. But Johnnie held her close and looked out at the rain with her.
“You can cry, you know,” Johnnie said. “Even strong people cry.”
Elaine laughed a little. “I just feel like I’ve done enough of that for one lifetime.”
Johnnie was quiet and seemed thoughtful. “I can only imagine,” she said. “I don’t know if I’d survive if I lost someone I loved so deeply. Someone like…” But she turned her head, and the breeze chilled them, blowing her short hair.
“Someone like…who?” Elaine asked, unable not to.
Johnnie wouldn’t look at her. “You already know,” she said.
“No, I don’t.”
Johnnie scoffed. “I think you do.” She turned and looked into her eyes. “I think you know I’m in love with you.”
Elaine felt herself gasp, but it wasn’t consciously done. Johnnie was staring into her, falling into her eyes. Elaine’s heart began to pump so hard she could feel it. It even clouded her hearing.
“I—Johnnie,” she breathed.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Johnnie said softly. “I know you still love Barb. And I understand why. If I lost someone like you, I’m not sure I’d ever recover.” She stared off again into the rain.
Elaine leaned into her, gripping her arm. “You know I love you too, Johnnie.”
She felt Johnnie tense. “No, I didn’t know.”
“I do. Somehow, someway, you have snuck under or over my wall. You reached my heart and infiltrated. I think I knew it the first day I met you. You standing there so nervous, yet refusing to leave. Paint on your jeans, your hands, showing the passion you have for your craft. You were so incredible, so real, so raw. I could feel who you were. Just like you can with people.”
“But you can’t be with me,” Johnnie whispered.
Elaine again felt tears come. “I love Barb.”
“You’re confused,” Johnnie said. “You feel guilty.” Johnnie turned and gently wiped her tears. She softly, delicately kissed her cheeks, her trail of tears. “You don’t have to worry. I understand. I’m not going to pressure you.”
Elaine snuggled closer, and Johnnie held her as she softly cried. Elaine breathed in her skin, felt the strength of her upper body, clung to her like a tower of love and strength. Around them, the rain streamed down, and Elaine felt like the earth was crying with her. Mourning.
Johnnie soothed her, melted against her, and they rested their heads upon each other.
Eventually, when Elaine could cry no more, and the rain slowed and the birds sung once again, Elaine broke the silence.
“I hear you’ve seen a colleague of mine.” Hearing so had stung a bit at the time, but she didn’t blame Johnnie for trying out a new practitioner.
Johnnie laughed a little. “Yeah, she’s not for me.”
“Why not?”
“She’s cocky. I don’t do cocky.”
Elaine smiled and nodded knowingly. “Most of our gay women love her.”
“I’m not most gay women,” Johnnie said.
“No. No, you’re not.”
They sat in silence for a moment and Elaine took Johnnie’s hand, tracing her palm.
“Have you been painting?”
Johnnie groaned. “I suppose. Mostly abstract. Which is new for me. But my friend really turned me on to it. And of course, I still paint—”
“Me?”
Johnnie smiled, but she looked embarrassed. “I sold some,” she said. “To a Brazilian collector.”
“Really? I think I’m flattered.”
“You should be. He’s very picky about his portraits.”
“Is he?”
“Yes, and now he wants nudes of you.”
Elaine laughed, unable not to.
“I turned him down.”
“Why?”
Johnnie looked at her incredulously. “Because you don’t want me near you, much less painting you nude.”
Elaine shrugged. “I don’t know. I might.”
Johnnie released her. “Please stop mind-fucking me. I get enough from Gail.”
Elaine patted her leg and Johnnie jumped. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to.”
Johnnie looked at her, then covered her hand with her own. “You have a way of…moving me.”
Elaine stared back. “So do you.”
“But we can’t.”
“No.”
They inched closer. Elaine closed her eyes to kiss her. Johnnie did the same. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed, startling them. They backed away.
Johnnie stood and paced the cave. Elaine couldn’t help but notice the planes of her pale abdomen, the freckle near her belly button, the fullness of her ample breasts held by the tight sports bra.
“I think you should paint me.”
“I think you don’t know what you want,” Johnnie said.
Elaine nodded. “I do actually. I just have to accept I can no longer have it.”
Johnnie continued to stare out at the storm. “I’m kind of in the same boat. I can’t have what I want.”
Elaine snuggled closer in the blanket. The earth smelled fresh and clean around them. The cave dark and dank. She felt safe there, especially with Johnnie. She hadn’t noticed, but her body had slowed with the thrumming and settled into a peace, a heavy peace, as if she’d need to be carried back to her car. When she called for Barb, she could feel her, but it wasn’t a panicked need to feel her. It was a presence. A slowly fading presence, letting her know it was okay. As for her own soul, it had been stirred, awakened, and shoved back inside, and she felt a little strange, as if it weren’t all fitting the parts it should.
“I feel like I need to see Barb,” Elaine said.
Johnnie turned. “I needed to see myself.”
“You’ve done such a great job,” Elaine said, thinking about all she’d been through in the past and how well she had recovered from it.
Johnnie came to sit next to her once again. “I came up here to heal, to explore, to find.”
Elaine saw the determination in her eyes. “I did too.”
“Yet, here we are. The universe throws us together again.”
“Maybe it knows what it’s doing.”
“Maybe.”
“Johnnie, I want to kiss you. I could kiss you. We could make love right here in this cave in the rain in the red rocks. It would be magnificent.”
Johnnie closed her eyes as if imagining. “Yes.”
“Do you want that?”
Johnnie opened her eyes. “No. I want all of you. Not a piece.”
Elaine felt her eyes flutter. “I think that’s the best answer I’ve ever heard.”
“Yeah, well, it sucks to have to say it.”
“God, you are so romantic yet you know how to kill it in an instant.”
Johnnie laughed. “Give me a chance,” she said. “I’ll give you more romance than you could ever handle.”
“I hope to do just that.”
They sat in silence for a while. A slab of sunlight angled into the cave.
“So we’ve agreed we cannot act on our feelings of attraction,” Elaine said.
Johnnie stood and took her hand. “For now, let’s get you dressed and get back to your car. You need a hot shower.”
Elaine smiled. “Ever the worrier.”
“Some things die hard,” Johnnie said.