3.2 Enter SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW and FABIAN.

SIR ANDREW     No, faith, I’ll not stay a jot longer.
SIR TOBY     Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
FABIAN     You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW     Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to
the Count’s serving-man than ever she bestowed upon	5
me: I saw’t i’th’ orchard.
SIR TOBY     Did she see thee the while, old boy, tell me that?
SIR ANDREW     As plain as I see you now.
FABIAN     This was a great argument of love in her toward	10
you.
SIR ANDREW     ’Slight! will you make an ass o’ me?
FABIAN     I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
judgment and reason.
SIR TOBY     And they have been grand-jurymen since	15
before Noah was a sailor.
FABIAN     She did show favour to the youth in your sight
only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse
valour, to put fire in your heart, and brimstone in your
liver. You should then have accosted her, and with	20
some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you
should have banged the youth into dumbness. This
was looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off,
and you are now sailed into the north of my lady’s	25
opinion, where you will hang like an icicle on a
Dutchman’s beard, unless you do redeem it by some
laudable attempt, either of valour or policy.
SIR ANDREW     And’t be any way, it must be with valour,
for policy I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a	30
politician.
SIR TOBY     Why then, build me thy fortunes upon the
basis of valour. Challenge me the Count’s youth to
fight with him, hurt him in eleven places: my niece
shall take note of it; and assure thyself there is no love-	35
broker in the world can more prevail in man’s
commendation with woman than report of valour.
FABIAN     There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW     Will either of you bear me a challenge to
him?	40
SIR TOBY     Go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and
brief: it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and
full of invention. Taunt him with the licence of ink. If
thou thou’st him some thrice, it shall not be amiss, and
as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although	45
the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in
England, set ’em down. Go, about it. Let there be gall
enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-
pen, no matter: about it.
SIR ANDREW     Where shall I find you?	50
SIR TOBY     We’ll call thee at thy cubiculo. Go!
Exit Sir Andrew.
FABIAN     This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY     I have been dear to him, lad, some two
thousand strong, or so.
FABIAN     We shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll	55
not deliver’t.
SIR TOBY     Never trust me then: and by all means stir on
the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
opened and you find so much blood in his liver as	60
will clog the foot of a flea, I’ll eat the rest of th’
anatomy.
FABIAN     And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage
no great presage of cruelty.
Enter MARIA.
SIR TOBY     Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.	65
MARIA     If you desire the spleen, and will laugh
yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio
is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly
can ever believe such impossible passages of	70
grossness. He’s in yellow stockings!
SIR TOBY     And cross-gartered?
MARIA     Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a
school i’th’ church. I have dogged him like his
murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I	75
dropped to betray him: he does smile his face into
more lines than is in the new map with the
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a
thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him.
I know my lady will strike him: if she do, he’ll smile,	80
and take’t for a great favour.
SIR TOBY     Come bring us, bring us where he is.
Exeunt omnes.

3.3 Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO.

SEBASTIAN     I would not by my will have troubled you,
But since you make your pleasure of your pains,
I will no further chide you.
ANTONIO     I could not stay behind you: my desire,
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth:	5
And not all love to see you (though so much
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage)
But jealousy what might befall your travel,
Being skilless in these parts: which to a stranger,
Unguided and unfriended, often prove	10
Rough and unhospitable. My willing love,
The rather by these arguments of fear,
Set forth in your pursuit.
SEBASTIAN     My kind Antonio,
I can no other answer make, but thanks,
And thanks, and ever thanks; and oft good turns	15
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:
But were my worth, as is my conscience, firm,
You should find better dealing. What’s to do?
Shall we go see the relics of this town?
ANTONIO     To-morrow, sir; best first go see your lodging.	20
SEBASTIAN     I am not weary, and ’tis long to night.
I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
With the memorials and the things of fame
That do renown this city.
ANTONIO     Would you’d pardon me:
I do not without danger walk these streets.	25
Once in a sea-fight ’gainst the Count his galleys,
I did some service, of such note indeed,
That were I ta’en here it would scarce be answer’d.
SEBASTIAN     Belike you slew great number of his people.
ANTONIO     Th’offence is not of such a bloody nature,	30
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.

It might have since been answer’d in repaying
What we took from them, which for traffic’s sake
Most of our city did. Only myself stood out,	35
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.
SEBASTIAN     Do not then walk too open.
ANTONIO     It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here’s my purse.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,	40
Whiles you beguile the time, and feed your
knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
SEBASTIAN     Why I your purse?
ANTONIO     Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase: and your store,	45
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
SEBASTIAN     I’ll be your purse-bearer, and leave you for
An hour.
ANTONIO     To th’Elephant.
SEBASTIAN     I do remember.     Exeunt separately.

3.4 Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.

OLIVIA     [aside] I have sent after him, he says he’ll come:
How shall I feast him? What bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg’d or
borrow’d.
I speak too loud. –
Where’s Malvolio? He is sad and civil,	5
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA     He’s coming, madam, but in very strange
manner. He is sure possessed, madam.
OLIVIA     Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave?	10
MARIA     No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he
come, for sure the man is tainted in’s wits.
OLIVIA     Go call him hither.     Exit Maria.
I am as mad as he
If sad and merry madness equal be.	15
Enter MALVOLIO with MARIA.
How now, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO     Sweet Lady, ho, ho!
OLIVIA     Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO     Sad, lady? I could be sad: this does make
some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but	20
what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as
the very true sonnet is: ‘Please one, and please all’.
OLIVIA     Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter
with thee?
MALVOLIO     Not black in my mind, though yellow in my	25
legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be
executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
OLIVIA     Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO     To bed? Ay, sweetheart, and I’ll come to
thee.	30
OLIVIA     God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and
kiss thy hand so oft?
MARIA     How do you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO     At your request? Yes, nightingales answer
daws!	35
MARIA     Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness
before my lady?
MALVOLIO     ‘Be not afraid of greatness’: ’twas well writ.
OLIVIA     What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO     ‘Some are born great’ –	40
OLIVIA     Ha?
MALVOLIO     ‘Some achieve greatness’ –
OLIVIA     What say’st thou?
MALVOLIO     ‘And some have greatness thrust upon
them.’	45
OLIVIA     Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO     ‘Remember who commended thy yellow
stockings’ –
OLIVIA     Thy yellow stockings?
MALVOLIO     ‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’	50
OLIVIA     Cross-gartered?
MALVOLIO     ‘Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be
so:’ –
OLIVIA     Am I made?
MALVOLIO     ‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’	55
OLIVIA     Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant.
SERVANT     Madam, the young gentleman of the Count
ORSINO’s is returned; I could hardly entreat him back.
He attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
OLIVIA     I’ll come to him.     Exit Servant.	60
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my
cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half
of my dowry.
Exeunt Olivia and Maria different ways.
MALVOLIO     O ho, do you come near me now? No worse	65
man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs
directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that
I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to
that in the letter. ‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she;
‘be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants, let	70
thy tongue tang arguments of state, put thyself into
the trick of singularity’: and consequently sets down
the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a
slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so
forth. I have limed her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove	75
make me thankful! And when she went away now, ‘Let
this fellow be looked to’ – ‘fellow’! – not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but ‘fellow’. Why, everything adheres
together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a
scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe	80
circumstance – what can be said? – nothing that can
be can come between me and the full prospect of my
hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is
to be thanked.
Enter SIR TOBY, FABIAN and MARIA.
SIR TOBY     Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all	85
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself
possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.
FABIAN     Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir?
How is’t with you, man?
MALVOLIO     Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my	90
private. Go off.
MARIA     Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him!
Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have
a care of him.
MALVOLIO     [aside] Ah ha! does she so?	95
SIR TOBY     Go to, go to: peace, peace, we must deal gently
with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How
is’t with you? What, man, defy the devil! Consider,
he’s an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO     Do you know what you say?	100
MARIA     La you, and you speak ill of the devil, how he
takes it at heart! Pray God he be not betwitched!
FABIAN     Carry his water to th’ wise woman.
MARIA     Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning,
if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll	105
say.
MALVOLIO     How now, mistress?
MARIA     O Lord!
SIR TOBY     Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do
you not see you move him? Let me alone with him.	110
FABIAN     No way but gentleness, gently, gently: the fiend
is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY     Why, how now, my bawcock? How dost thou,
chuck?
MALVOLIO     Sir!	115
SIR TOBY     Ay, biddy, come with me. What, man, ’tis not
for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him,
foul collier!
MARIA     Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get
him to pray.	120
MALVOLIO     My prayers, minx!
MARIA     No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO     Go hang yourselves all: you are idle, shallow
things, I am not of your element: you shall know more
hereafter.     Exit.	125
SIR TOBY     Is’t possible?
FABIAN     If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY     His very genius hath taken the infection of the
device, man.	130
MARIA     Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air,
and taint.
FABIAN     Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA     The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY     Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and	135
bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad:
we may carry it thus for our pleasure, and his penance,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to
have mercy on him; at which time we will bring the
device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of	140
madmen. But see, but see!
Enter SIR ANDREW.
FABIAN     More matter for a May morning!
SIR ANDREW     Here’s the challenge, read it: I warrant
there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.
FABIAN     Is’t so saucy?	145
SIR ANDREW     Ay, is’t, I warrant him: do but read.
SIR TOBY     Give me. [Reads.] Youth, whatsoever thou art,
thou art but a scurvy fellow.
FABIAN     Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY     Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I	150
do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.
FABIAN     A good note; that keeps you from the blow of
the law.
SIR TOBY     Thou com’st to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight
she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is	155
not the matter I challenge thee for.
FABIAN     Very brief, and to exceeding good sense [aside]
-less.
SIR TOBY     I will waylay thee going home, where if it be thy
chance to kill me –	160
FABIAN     Good.
SIR TOBY     Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain.
FABIAN     Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law:
good.
SIR TOBY     Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of	165
our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my hope is
better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest
him, and thy sworn enemy,
Andrew Aguecheek.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give’t	170
him.
MARIA     You may have very fit occasion for’t: he is now in
some commerce with my lady, and will by and by
depart.
SIR TOBY     Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the	175
corner of the orchard, like a bum-baily. So soon as ever
thou see’st him, draw, and as thou draw’st, swear
horrible: for it comes to pass oft, that a terrible oath,
with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives
manhood more approbation than ever proof itself	180
would have earned him. Away!
SIR ANDREW     Nay, let me alone for swearing.     Exit.
SIR TOBY     Now will not I deliver his letter: for the
behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to
be of good capacity and breeding: his employment	185
between his lord and my niece confirms no less.
Therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant,
will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes
from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by
word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek a notable report	190
of valour, and drive the gentleman (as I know his youth
will aptly receive it) into a most hideous opinion of his
rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright
them both that they will kill one another by the look,
like cockatrices.	195
Enter OLIVIA and VIOLA.
FABIAN     Here he comes with your niece: give them way
till he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY     I will meditate the while upon some horrid
message for a challenge.
Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria.
OLIVIA     I have said too much unto a heart of stone,	200
And laid mine honour too unchary out:
There’s something in me that reproves my fault:
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
That it but mocks reproof.
VIOLA     With the same ’haviour that your passion bears	205
Goes on my master’s griefs.
OLIVIA     Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture:
Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you:
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,	210
That honour sav’d may upon asking give?
VIOLA     Nothing but this, your true love for my master.
OLIVIA     How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?
VIOLA     I will acquit you.
OLIVIA     Well, come again to-morrow. Fare thee well;	215
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.	Exit.
Enter SIR TOBY and FABIAN.
SIR TOBY     Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA     And you, sir.
SIR TOBY     That defence thou hast, betake thee to’t. Of
what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I	220
know not: but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end. Dismount
thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is
quick, skilful, and deadly.
VIOLA     You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any	225
quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear
from any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY     You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you.
Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake
you to your guard: for your opposite hath in him what	230
youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man
withal.
VIOLA     I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY     He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier,
and on carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private	235
brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorced three, and
his incensement at this moment is so implacable that
satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and
sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word: give’t or take’t.
VIOLA     I will return again into the house, and desire	240
some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
others to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that
quirk.
SIR TOBY     Sir, no: his indignation derives itself out of a	245
very competent injury; therefore get you on, and give
him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless
you undertake that with me which with as much safety
you might answer him; therefore on, or strip your
sword stark naked: for meddle you must, that’s	250
certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
VIOLA     This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do
me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
my offence to him is: it is something of my negligence,
nothing of my purpose.	255
SIR TOBY     I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this
gentleman till my return.     Exit Sir Toby.
VIOLA     Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN     I know the knight is incensed against you, even
to a mortal arbitrement, but nothing of the	260
circumstance more.
VIOLA     I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN     Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him
by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of
his valour. He is indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody,	265
and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found
in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him, I will
make your peace with him if I can.
VIOLA     I shall be much bound to you for’t. I am one that
had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not	270
who knows so much of my mettle.     Exeunt.
Enter SIR TOBY and SIR ANDREW.
SIR TOBY     Why, man, he’s a very devil, I have not seen
such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard,
and all: and he gives me the stuck in with such a
mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer,	275
he pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they
step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.
SIR ANDREW     Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY     Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian
can scarce hold him yonder.	280
SIR ANDREW     Plague on’t, and I thought he had been
valiant, and so cunning in fence, I’d have seen him
damned ere I’d have challenged him. Let him let the
matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
SIR TOBY     I’ll make the motion. Stand here, make a good	285
show on’t: this shall end without the perdition of
souls. [aside] Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I
ride you.
Enter FABIAN and VIOLA.
[to Fabian] I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I
have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.	290
FABIAN     He is as horribly conceited of him, and pants
and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY     [to Viola] There’s no remedy, sir, he will fight
with you for’s oath sake. Marry, he hath better
bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now	295
scarce to be worth talking of. Therefore draw for the
supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt
you.
VIOLA     [aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would
make me tell them how much I lack of a man.	300
FABIAN     [to Sir Andrew] Give ground if you see him
furious.
SIR TOBY     Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy, the
gentleman will for his honour’s sake have one bout
with you; he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has	305
promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will
not hurt you. Come on, to’t.
SIR ANDREW     Pray God he keep his oath!
Enter ANTONIO.
VIOLA     I do assure you, ’tis against my will.
[Sir Andrew and Viola draw.]
ANTONIO     [drawing]
Put up your sword! If this young gentleman	310
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
If you offend him, I for him defy you.
SIR TOBY     You, sir? Why, what are you?
ANTONIO     One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.	315
SIR TOBY     Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
[Draws.]
Enter Officers.
FABIAN     O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
SIR TOBY     [to Antonio] I’ll be with you anon.
VIOLA     [to Sir Andrew] Pray sir, put your sword up, if
you please.	320
SIR ANDREW     Marry, will I, sir: and for that I promised
you, I’ll be as good as my word. He will bear you easily,
and reins well.
1OFFICER This is the man; do thy office.
2OFFICER Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit	325
Of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO     You do mistake me, sir.
1OFFICER No, sir, no jot: I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
Take him away, he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO     I must obey.
[to Viola]     This comes with seeking you;	330
But there’s no remedy, I shall answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you,
Than what befalls myself. You stand amaz’d,	335
But be of comfort.
2OFFICER Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO     I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA     What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,	340
And part being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I’ll lend you something. My having is not much;
I’ll make division of my present with you.
Hold, there’s half my coffer. [Offers Antonio money.]	345
ANTONIO     Will you deny me now? [Refuses it.]
Is’t possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses	350
That I have done for you.
VIOLA     I know of none,
Nor know I you by voice or any feature.
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption	355
Inhabits our frail blood.
ANTONIO     O heavens themselves!
2OFFICER Come sir, I pray you go.
ANTONIO
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,
Reliev’d him with such sanctity of love;	360
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
1OFFICER What’s that to us? The time goes by. Away!
ANTONIO     But O how vile an idol proves this god!
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.	365
In nature there’s no blemish but the mind:
None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind.
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks, o’er-flourish’d by the devil.
1OFFICER
The man grows mad, away with him! Come, come, sir.	370
ANTONIO     Lead me on.     Exit with officers.
VIOLA     Methinks his words do from such passion fly
That he believes himself; so do not I:
Prove true, imagination, O prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!	375
SIR TOBY     Come hither, knight, come hither, Fabian.
We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
VIOLA     He nam’d Sebastian. I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went	380
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate. O if it prove,
Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!
Exit.
SIR TOBY     A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a
coward than a hare; his dishonesty appears in leaving	385
his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for
his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN     A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
SIR ANDREW     ’Slid, I’ll after him again, and beat him.
SIR TOBY     Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy	390
sword.
SIR ANDREW     And I do not –      Exit.
FABIAN     Come, let’s see the event.
SIR TOBY     I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.
Exeunt

4.1 Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown.

CLOWN     Will you make me believe that I am not sent for
you?
SEBASTIAN     Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow,
Let me be clear of thee.
CLOWN     Well held out, i’faith! No, I do not know you,	5
nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come
speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;
nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so, is so.
SEBASTIAN     I prithee vent thy folly somewhere else,
Thou know’st not me.	10
CLOWN     Vent my folly! He has heard that word of some
great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly!
I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a
cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness, and
tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her	15
that thou art coming?
SEBASTIAN     I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me.
There’s money for thee: if you tarry longer,
I shall give worse payment.
CLOWN     By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These	20
wise men that give fools money get themselves a good
report – after fourteen years’ purchase.
Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY and FABIAN.
SIR ANDREW     Now sir, have I met you again? There’s for
you! [Strikes Sebastian.]
SEBASTIAN     Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there!	25
[Beats Sir Andrew.] Are all the people mad?
SIR TOBY     Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the
house.
CLOWN     This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be
in some of your coats for twopence.     Exit.	30
SIR TOBY     Come on, sir, hold!
SIR ANDREW     Nay, let him alone, I’ll go another way to
work with him: I’ll have an action of battery against
him, if there be any law in Illyria; though I struck him
first, yet it’s no matter for that.	35
SEBASTIAN     Let go thy hand!
SIR TOBY     Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my
young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed.
Come on!
SEBASTIAN     I will be free from thee. What would’st thou	40
now?
If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.
[Draws.]
SIR TOBY     What, what! Nay, then, I must have an ounce
or two of this malapert blood from you. [Draws.]
Enter OLIVIA.
OLIVIA     Hold, Toby! on thy life I charge thee, hold!	45
SIR TOBY     Madam!
OLIVIA     Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne’er were preach’d! Out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.	50
Rudesby, be gone!
Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian.
I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks	55
This ruffian hath botch’d up, that thou thereby
May’st smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go:
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine, in thee.
SEBASTIAN     What relish is in this? How runs the stream?	60
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee; would thou’dst be rul’d by me!
SEBASTIAN     Madam, I will.
OLIVIA     O, say so, and so be.     Exeunt.	65

4.2 Enter MARIA and Clown.

MARIA     Nay, I prithee put on this gown, and this beard;
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it
quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.     Exit.
CLOWN     Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled	5
in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the
function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good
student; but to be said an honest man and a good
housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and
a great scholar. The competitors enter.	10
Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA.
SIR TOBY     Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
CLOWN     Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to
a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is’: so I, being
Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’	15
but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
SIR TOBY     To him, Sir Topas.
CLOWN     What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY     The knave counterfeits well: a good knave.
MALVOLIO     within.
MALVOLIO     Who calls there?	20
CLOWN     Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit
Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO     Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to
my lady.
CLOWN     Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this	25
man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY     Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO     Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged.
Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have
laid me here in hideous darkness.	30
CLOWN     Fie, thou dishonest Satan! (I call thee by the
most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones
that will use the devil himself with courtesy.) Say’st
thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO     As hell, Sir Topas.	35
CLOWN     Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as
barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-
north are as lustrous as ebony: and yet complainest
thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO     I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this	40
house is dark.
CLOWN     Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness
but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO     I say this house is as dark as ignorance,	45
though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than
you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
CLOWN     What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning
wildfowl?	50
MALVOLIO     That the soul of our grandam might haply
inhabit a bird.
CLOWN     What think’st thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO     I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve
his opinion.	55
CLOWN     Fare thee well: remain thou still in darkness.
Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou
dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO     Sir Topas, Sir Topas!	60
SIR TOBY     My most exquisite Sir Topas!
CLOWN     Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA     Thou might’st have done this without thy beard
and gown, he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY     To him in thine own voice, and bring me word	65
how thou find’st him: I would we were well rid of this
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would
he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece
that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the
upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.	70
Exit with Maria.
CLOWN     [singing]
Hey Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.
MALVOLIO     Fool!
CLOWN     My lady is unkind, perdie.
MALVOLIO     Fool!	75
CLOWN     Alas, why is she so?
MALVOLIO     Fool, I say!
CLOWN     She loves another –
Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO     Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at	80
my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper:
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee
for’t.
CLOWN     Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO     Ay, good fool.	85
CLOWN     Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO     Fool, there was never man so notoriously
abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
CLOWN     But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be
no better in your wits than a fool.	90
MALVOLIO     They have here propertied me: keep me in
darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they
can to face me out of my wits.
CLOWN     Advise you what you say: the minister is here.
[as Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens	95
restore: endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
bibble babble.
MALVOLIO     Sir Topas!
CLOWN     [as Sir Topas] Maintain no words with him,
good fellow! [as himself] Who, I, sir? not I, sir! God	100
buy you, good Sir Topas! [as Sir Topas] Marry, amen!
[as himself] I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO     Fool, fool, fool, I say!
CLOWN     Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am
shent for speaking to you.	105
MALVOLIO     Good fool, help me to some light and some
paper: I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in
Illyria.
CLOWN     Well-a-day that you were, sir!
MALVOLIO     By this hand, I am! Good fool, some ink,	110
paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to
my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the
bearing of letter did.
CLOWN     I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not
mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?	115
MALVOLIO     Believe me, I am not, I tell thee true.
CLOWN     Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his
brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO     Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I
prithee, be gone.	120
CLOWN     [singing]
I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice, like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,	125
Cries, ‘Ah, ha!’ to the devil:
Like a mad lad, ‘Pare thy nails, dad.
Adieu, goodman devil!’      Exit.

4.3 Enter SEBASTIAN.

SEBASTIAN     This is the air, that is the glorious sun,
This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t, and see’t,
And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio then?
I could not find him at the Elephant,	5
Yet there he was, and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service:
For though my soul disputes well with my sense
That this may be some error, but no madness,	10
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes,
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad,	15
Or else the lady’s mad; yet if ’twere so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch,
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing
As I perceive she does. There’s something in’t	20
That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.
Enter OLIVIA and Priest.
OLIVIA     Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me, and with this holy man,
Into the chantry by: there before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,	25
Plight me the full assurance of your faith,
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it,
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep	30
According to my birth. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN     I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,
And having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine,
That they may fairly note this act of mine!     Exeunt.	35

5.1 Enter Clown and FABIAN.

FABIAN     Now as thou lov’st me, let me see his letter.
CLOWN     Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.
FABIAN     Anything.
CLOWN     Do not desire to see this letter.
FABIAN     This is to give a dog, and in recompense desire	5
my dog again.
Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO and lords.
ORSINO     Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
CLOWN     Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.
ORSINO     I know thee well. How dost thou, my good
fellow?	10
CLOWN     Truly, sir, the better for my foes, and the worse
for my friends.
ORSINO     Just the contrary: the better for thy friends.
CLOWN     No, sir, the worse.
ORSINO     How can that be?	15
CLOWN     Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of
me. Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that
by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and
by my friends I am abused. So that, conclusions to
be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two	20
affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends, and
the better for my foes.
ORSINO     Why, this is excellent.
CLOWN     By my troth, sir, no: though it please you to be
one of my friends.	25
ORSINO     Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold.
CLOWN     But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would
you could make it another.
ORSINO     O, you give me ill counsel.
CLOWN     Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,	30
and let your flesh and blood obey it.
ORSINO     Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-
dealer: there’s another.
CLOWN     Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play, and the old
saying is ‘The third pays for all’; the triplex, sir, is a	35
good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet,
sir, may put you in mind – one, two, three.
ORSINO     You can fool no more money out of me at this
throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake	40
my bounty further.
CLOWN     Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come
again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that
my desire of having is the sin of covetousness: but as
you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it	45
anon.     Exit.
Enter ANTONIO and Officers.
VIOLA     Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
ORSINO     That face of his I do remember well;
Yet when I saw it last, it was besmear’d
As black as Vulcan, in the smoke of war.	50
A baubling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable,
With which such scathful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy and the tongue of loss	55
Cried fame and honour on him. What’s the matter?
1OFFICER Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy,
And this is he that did the Tiger board,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.	60
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
VIOLA     He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side,
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me,
I know not what ’twas, but distraction.	65
ORSINO     Notable pirate, thou salt-water thief,
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou in terms so bloody and so dear
Hast made thine enemies?
ANTONIO     Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleas’d that I shake off these names you give me:	70
ANTONIO never yet was thief, or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
ORSINO’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
From the rude sea’s enrag’d and foamy mouth	75
Did I redeem. A wrack past hope he was.
His life I gave him, and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,

All his in dedication. For his sake
Did I expose myself (pure for his love)	80
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him, when he was beset;
Where being apprehended, his false cunning
(Not meaning to partake with me in danger)
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,	85
And grew a twenty years’ removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.
VIOLA     How can this be?
ORSINO     When came he to this town?	90
ANTONIO     Today, my lord: and for three months before
No int’rim, not a minute’s vacancy,
Both day and night did we keep company.
Enter OLIVIA and attendants.
ORSINO
Here comes the Countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But for thee, fellow – fellow, thy words are madness.	95
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.
OLIVIA
What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.	100
VIOLA     [speaking together] Madam
ORSINO     Gracious Olivia –
OLIVIA     What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord –
VIOLA     My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.
OLIVIA     If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,	105
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.
ORSINO     Still so cruel?
OLIVIA     Still so constant, lord.
ORSINO     What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars	110
My soul the faithfull’st off ’rings hath breath’d out
That e’er devotion tender’d – What shall I do?
OLIVIA
Even what it please my lord that shall become him.
ORSINO     Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to th’Egyptian thief at point of death,	115
Kill what I love? – a savage jealousy
That sometime savours nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,	120
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven, I swear I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye
Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.	125
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.
VIOLA     And I most jocund, apt, and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.	130
OLIVIA     Where goes Cesario?
VIOLA     After him I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e’er I shall love wife.
If I do feign, you witnesses above
Punish my life, for tainting of my love.	135
OLIVIA     Ay me detested! how am I beguil’d!
VIOLA
Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?
OLIVIA     Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.     Exit an attendant.
ORSINO     Come, away!
OLIVIA     Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay!	140
ORSINO     Husband?
OLIVIA     Ay, husband. Can he that deny?
ORSINO     Her husband, sirrah?
VIOLA     No, my lord, not I.
OLIVIA     Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety.
Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up,	145
Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear’st.
Enter Priest.
O welcome, father!
Father, I charge thee by thy reverence
Here to unfold – though lately we intended
To keep in darkness what occasion now	150
Reveals before ’tis ripe – what thou dost know
Hath newly pass’d between this youth and me.
PRIEST     A contract of eternal bond of love,
Confirm’d by mutual joinder of your hands,
Attested by the holy close of lips,	155
Strengthen’d by interchangement of your rings,
And all the ceremony of this compact
Seal’d in my function, by my testimony;
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
I have travell’d but two hours.	160
ORSINO     O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be
When time hath sow’d a grizzle on thy case?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
Farewell, and take her, but direct thy feet	165
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
VIOLA     My lord, I do protest –
OLIVIA     O do not swear!
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
Enter SIR ANDREW.
SIR ANDREW     For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one
presently to Sir Toby.	170
OLIVIA     What’s the matter?
SIR ANDREW     ’Has broke my head across, and has given Sir
Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your
help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
OLIVIA     Who has done this, Sir Andrew?	175
SIR ANDREW     The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We
took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil in-
cardinate.
ORSINO     My gentleman, Cesario?
SIR ANDREW     ’Od’s lifelings, here he is! You broke my	180
head for nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to
do’t by Sir Toby.
VIOLA     Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause,
But I bespake you fair, and hurt you not.	185
Enter SIR TOBY and Clown.
SIR ANDREW     If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have
hurt me: I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.
Here comes Sir Toby halting, you shall hear more: but
if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you
othergates than he did.	190
ORSINO     How now, gentleman? How is’t with you?
SIR TOBY     That’s all one, ’has hurt me, and there’s th’
end on’t. Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?
CLOWN     O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes
were set at eight i’th’ morning.	195
SIR TOBY     Then he’s a rogue, and a passy measures
pavin: I hate a drunken rogue.
OLIVIA     Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with
them?
SIR ANDREW     I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be	200
dressed together.
SIR TOBY     Will you help? An ass-head, and a coxcomb,
and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull?
OLIVIA     Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.
Exeunt Clown, Fabian, Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
Enter SEBASTIAN.
SEBASTIAN
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:	205
But had it been the brother of my blood,
I must have done no less with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you:
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows	210
We made each other but so late ago.
ORSINO
One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons!
A natural perspective, that is, and is not!
SEBASTIAN     Antonio! O my dear Antonio,
How have the hours rack’d and tortur’d me,	215
Since I have lost thee!
ANTONIO     Sebastian are you?
SEBASTIAN     Fear’st thou that, Antonio?
ANTONIO     How have you made division of yourself?
An apple cleft in two is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?	220
OLIVIA     Most wonderful!
SEBASTIAN     Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature
Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour’d:	225
Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman? What name? What parentage?
VIOLA     Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too:
So went he suited to his watery tomb.	230
If spirits can assume both form and suit,
You come to fright us.
SEBASTIAN     A spirit I am indeed,
But am in that dimension grossly clad
Which from the womb I did participate.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,	235
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say, ‘Thrice welcome, drowned Viola.’
VIOLA     My father had a mole upon his brow.
SEBASTIAN     And so had mine.
VIOLA     And died that day when Viola from her birth	240
Had number’d thirteen years.
SEBASTIAN     O, that record is lively in my soul!
He finished indeed his mortal act
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
VIOLA     If nothing lets to make us happy both,	245
But this my masculine usurp’d attire,
Do not embrace me, till each circumstance
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
That I am Viola; which to confirm,
I’ll bring you to a captain in this town,	250
Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help
I was preserv’d to serve this noble count:
All the occurrence of my fortune since
Hath been between this lady and this lord.
SEBASTIAN     [to Olivia] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook.	255
But nature to her bias drew in that.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceiv’d:
You are betroth’d both to a maid and man.
ORSINO     Be not amaz’d, right noble is his blood.	260
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
I shall have share in this most happy wreck.
[to Viola] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
Thou never should’st love woman like to me.
VIOLA     And all those sayings will I over-swear,	265
And all those swearings keep as true in soul
As doth that orbed continent the fire
That severs day from night.
ORSINO     Give me thy hand,
And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.
VIOLA     The captain that did bring me first on shore	270
Hath my maid’s garments; he upon some action
Is now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit,
A gentleman and follower of my lady’s.
OLIVIA     He shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither.
And yet alas! now I remember me,	275
They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract.
Enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN.
A most extracting frenzy of mine own
From my remembrance clearly banish’d his.
How does he, sirrah?
CLOWN     Truly, Madam, he holds Belzebub at the	280
stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do; ’has
here writ a letter to you. I should have given’t you
to-day morning, but as a madman’s epistles are no
gospels, so it skills not much when they are
delivered.	285
OLIVIA     Open’t, and read it.
CLOWN     Look then to be well edified, when the fool
delivers the madman. [Reads.] By the Lord, madam, –
OLIVIA     How now, art thou mad?
CLOWN     No, madam, I do but read madness: and your	290
ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.
OLIVIA     Prithee, read i’thy right wits.
CLOWN     So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to
read thus: therefore, perpend, my princess, and give ear.
OLIVIA     [to Fabian] Read it you, sirrah.	295
FABIAN     [Reads.] By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and
the world shall know it. Though you have put me into
darkness, and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet
have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I
have your own letter, that induced me to the semblance I put	300
on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right,
or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my
duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury.
The madly-used Malvolio.
OLIVIA     Did he write this?	305
CLOWN     Ay, madam.
ORSINO     This savours not much of distraction.
OLIVIA     See him deliver’d, Fabian, bring him hither.
Exit Fabian.
My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,
To think me as well a sister, as a wife,	310
One day shall crown th’alliance on’t, so please you,
Here at my house, and at my proper cost.
ORSINO     Madam, I am most apt t’embrace your offer.
[to Viola] Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,	315
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
And since you call’d me master for so long,
Here is my hand; you shall from this time be
Your master’s mistress.
OLIVIA     A sister! you are she.
Enter FABIAN with MALVOLIO.
ORSINO     Is this the madman?
OLIVIA     Ay, my lord, this same.	320
How now, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO     Madam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong.
OLIVIA     Have I, Malvolio? No.
MALVOLIO     Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.
You must not now deny it is your hand:
Write from it, if you can, in hand, or phrase,	325
Or say ’tis not your seal, not your invention:
You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you,	330
To put on yellow stockings, and to frown
Upon Sir Toby, and the lighter people;
And acting this in an obedient hope,
Why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d,
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,	335
And made the most notorious geck and gull
That e’er invention play’d on? Tell me, why?
OLIVIA     Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Though I confess much like the character:
But, out of question, ’tis Maria’s hand.	340
And now I do bethink me, it was she
First told me thou wast mad; then cam’st in smiling,
And in such forms which here were presuppos’d
Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content;
This practice hath most shrewdly pass’d upon thee.	345
But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
Of thine own cause.
FABIAN     Good madam, hear me speak,
And let no quarrel, nor no brawl to come,
Taint the condition of this present hour,	350
Which I have wonder’d at. In hope it shall not,
Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
We had conceiv’d against him. Maria writ	355
The letter, at Sir Toby’s great importance,
In recompense whereof he hath married her.
How with a sportful malice it was follow’d
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge,
If that the injuries be justly weigh’d	360
That have on both sides pass’d.
OLIVIA     Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
CLOWN     Why, ‘Some are born great, some achieve
greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon
them’. I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topas,	365
sir, but that’s all one. ‘By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.’
But do you remember, ‘Madam, why laugh you at such
a barren rascal, and you smile not, he’s gagged’? And
thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
MALVOLIO     I’ll be reveng’d on the whole pack of you!	370
Exit.
OLIVIA     He hath been most notoriously abus’d.
ORSINO     Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace:
He hath not told us of the captain yet.     Exit Fabian.
When that is known, and golden time convents,
A solemn combination shall be made	375
Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,
We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;
For so you shall be while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
ORSINO’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen.	380
Exeunt all except Clown.
CLOWN     [Sings.]
When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man’s estate,	385
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came, alas, to wive,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,	390
By swaggering could I never thrive,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came unto my beds,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
With toss-pots still ’had drunken heads,	395
For the rain it raineth every day.
A great while ago the world begun,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
But that’s all one, our play is done,
And we’ll strive to please you every day.     Exit.	400