When we met in classroom 4K the next morning, we looked just like real teachers.
My hair was combed neatly, and I wore the suit Grandma gave me, including a necktie, a vest, and shiny shoes.
I didn’t even look like me.
Kelly wore a brown sweater, a brown dress, and brown shoes. She couldn’t do her normal powerwalk because her arms were weighed down with books and papers.
Mara wore a lady dress and shoes with high heels on them. They made her even taller than normal, so that the pencils sticking out of her hair nearly scraped the ceiling.
Brian zoomed in wearing baggy pants and a rumpled sport coat. His pockets bulged with invention junk, his hair was all crazy, and a furry thing was hanging over his mouth.
“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I had to grow this mustache. Call me Professor Shmartz! Math wiz and inventor of inventions!”
Finally, Sparky trotted in, wearing a little graduation hat, and the kids went crazy.
They cheered and jumped from their seats and crowded around him.
“Settle down, class,” Kelly said.
“Miss B. will be out today,” I told the students, “so we’ll be your teachers. First things first, let’s take attendance.”
“Take it where?” said one boy.
The kids laughed.
I tapped my cluebook. “We want to see if everyone is here.”
“I’m here,” said a boy with red hair.
“Me, too!” said the girl next to him.
The class laughed more.
“Save yourself some time,” a grouchy little boy said. “We’re all here!”
The class laughed the most.
“Tough crowd,” Brian whispered under his mustache.
I finally got all their names down.
Mara used one of her pencils to draw faces next to the names so we’d remember them.
“Now it’s time for history,” said Kelly, setting her papers on the desk. “Today our lesson will be all about —”
The girl named Julie raised her hand.
“Yes?” Kelly said.
“I … to … now …,” Julie whispered.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Kelly asked.
Julie ran up to her. “I said I have to throw up now.”
And she did, all over Kelly’s papers.
“Agggg!” Kelly yelled.
Then Julie ran straight to the bathroom.
Kelly staggered back from her pukey notes. “If only she went to the bathroom first.”
“I’ll take over,” said Brian, moving to the front of the class. “Zip! Bing! Plink —”
“Hey!” snarled Lil Mikey, the grumpy kid from before. “What’s that noise?”
“That, son, is my math and science brain,” Brian said under his mustache. Then he spun the globe. “Let Professor Shmartz give you a tour of our world!”
“Oh, yeah?” Mikey growled. “Well, zippety-plinkety-boo. I already know where every country in the world is. Ask me.”
Brian frowned. “My lesson isn’t —”
“I said, ask me!” said Lil Mikey.
“Ask him! Ask him!” the kids cheered.
“These kids are a handful, all right,” Mara whispered.
I kept my eye on all the stuff in the classroom. I was determined that nothing would go missing today. So far so good.
Brian leaned over to the globe. “Let me see. All right. Tell me where France is.”
Lil Mikey stood up. “The same place it was last year!”
“But where’s that?” Brian asked.
“Right where it should be!”
The kids laughed harder.
“I mean, where is it located?”
“Where nothing else is!” Lil Mikey said, and the kids fell on the floor, laughing.
Brian seemed dazed as he plopped into Miss Becker’s rocking chair. “What just happened?”
“You’ve been outgoofed,” said Mara. “Let me try. Good teachers make work seem fun.”
She clacked her heels together loudly, and all the kids looked up at her.
“Does everyone like art?” she asked.
“Yes!” they cried.
“Does everyone like math?”
“Then let’s do ArtMath!” she said.
“Yay!” they cheered.
Mara then picked up a piece of chalk and drew really fancy numbers on the chalkboard.
Kathy’s hand shot up and so did the rest of her. “Two plus two plus two equals one!”
Mara frowned. “How can two plus two plus two equal one?”
“Two eyes, two ears, and two lips equal one face!” Kathy said.
“Yay, ArtMath!” everyone cheered.
Suddenly, Langston screamed at the top of his lungs. “Where’s Sprinkle?”
“Sprinkle?” I said. “You mean Sparky?” I pointed behind me. “He’s right here.”
“Goof?” said Sparky.
“No! Sprinkle!” said Langston. “Our fish. The fish tank is gone! Oh, poor Sprinkle!”
Scarlet jumped from her seat and whispered in Langston’s ear.
“Oh, I forgot,” he said. “Never mind.”
Kelly jumped to the windowsill. “Where is the fish tank? How could it just vanish? We were all right here.”
“Here?” said Truman, the red-haired boy. “Are we taking attendance again? Because I’m pretty sure I’m still here.”
“Me, too!” said Julie, back from the bathroom and smelling like mint.
My brain went click. “Aha! You’re all here! Which means that every student in this classroom is … a witness!”
“Prove it!” said Lil Mikey.
Witness is a special detective word that means someone who saw something happen.
I glared down at the students. “So … did anyone see anything?”
The girl named Katie twirled in her seat. “I saw a cow once!” she said.
“If you saw it again,” said Neal, “that’s two cows.”
“My daddy has a cow,” said Regina. “He dwives it to work evwy day!”
I stared at them. Then I stared at the other Goofballs. Then I stared at the clock.
It was still first period.
“Seriously?” I said. “There are another six hours of this?”
“Only if you don’t count naptime,” said Kelly.
“But how can fourteen kids seem like so many more?” asked Mara.
“That’s kindergarten math,” said Brian.