Graduation day drew ever nearer and my whole class was abuzz with plans for the prom. As the person with the highest grade point average, I had been named valedictorian. Hugh was salutatorian, and our parents were convinced it was another sign we belonged together. Even worse, Hugh started dropping hints about the future.
“Where would you like to live after graduation?” he asked me.
Nome, Alaska, I thought glumly. But I didn’t say it. “I haven’t given it much thought.”
“They’re building some really nice houses out at Fair Oaks. You should drive over and look at a few.”
I stared at him. Fair Oaks was a new subdivision just outside of town, some big city contractor’s idea of genteel southern living. The houses were rambling modern structures, all single-story and set on a five-acre plot. I knew they cost a fortune.
I also knew I couldn’t take much more of this.
Mama still wouldn’t listen to my protests about marrying Hugh, and I didn’t dare talk to the Judge, even though he’d be on my side. I was too afraid he’d suspect what was going on between me and Nick, and I didn’t know how he’d react. The Judge tended to be a tad bit over-protective where I was concerned and I didn’t want him going after Nick with the shotgun for impugning my honor.
My father had been hanging around a lot, casting wistful looks at Mama while he chatted with the Judge. In a strange way, I think he filled the gap in the Judge’s life that Nick had once occupied. My whole family missed Nick. They knew he spent the night in the barn occasionally, but they rarely saw him anymore since he arrived so late and left so early.
One evening, after the weather turned warm, I asked my father to take a walk with me. Mama smiled on us benignly as we left. One thing about Mama. She still looked like an angel when she smiled, but by now I knew how deceiving looks could be. The woman had a stubborn streak that would put a Missouri mule to shame, and she wasn’t above using guilt to get her way.
Dad put his arm around my shoulders while we strolled in the direction of the woods, but he didn’t say much. I could feel curiosity coming off him waves. While we had spent time alone together, going out to eat and such, I’d never really confided in him the way daughters do with fathers.
Well, he was about to get his money’s worth in one fell swoop, I decided ruefully. I only hoped he was up to the challenge.
“Okay, let’s have it.” He arched an eyebrow. The man was no dummy.
I plopped down on a log, the remains of an oak tree that had fallen years ago during one of our winter ice storms, and he sat beside me. “It’s Mama. She’s driving me crazy.”
“About what?”
“Hugh.” I hesitated. “Dad, she’s bound and determined I’m going to marry him, and she won’t listen to a word I say on the subject.”
“Do you love him?”
I shrugged. “I suppose so, in a way. I just don’t want to marry him.”
“Then don’t let your mother push you into it. It’s your life, Alix. You have to do what makes you happy.” He studied me with a more intense scrutiny than usual. “It’s Nick, isn’t it?”
Like I said, the man was no dummy. He’d met Nick, and had listened to all the family stories about how I’d adopted him and our exploits over the years. Once he had even come looking for me and caught me in the barn with Nick. Luckily, we weren’t doing anything but talking that time, but we must have given ourselves away to someone who wasn’t as close to the situation as the rest of my family.
I was tired of denying my feelings for Nick, so I nodded. “Yes. I’ve loved him for a long time.”
“Does he feel the same way about you?”
It suddenly occurred to me that Nick had never told me loved me. I’d only assumed he did from the way he acted. I still believed he loved me, but my self-confidence was a bit shaken. “I think so.”
“Then why hasn’t he done something about it?”
Good question. I wished I had a logical answer. “There are some problems,” I said vaguely.
He was silent for a moment, thinking that over. “Nick didn’t strike me as the type that would let the woman he loves marry someone else. Have you told him what your mother is doing?”
“No.” I hadn’t wanted to make him feel any worse than he already did. And deep down, I was afraid that if he thought our relationship was giving me trouble, he’d stop seeing me.
“Maybe you should.”
He was right. I’d only needed to hear someone say it. It was time to face the music. I’d been more than patient over the last few months. If Nick really loved me, it was time to do something about it. And if he didn’t, if Lindsey was more important to him than I was, well, it was better to find out now.
So that’s how I set in motion the events that culminated in Frank Anderson’s death.
It was Wednesday evening when I had my talk with Dad. That night I didn’t wait in my room for Nick as I usually did. I went down to the barn and waited, moving restlessly through the long hours before his arrival, playing out different scenarios in my head. No matter how he reacted, I had to be prepared.
His surprise at finding me there faded fast when he saw my face. “What’s wrong?” he asked, closing and locking the door behind him.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I told him in an anguished whisper. “Things are getting completely out of hand. Mama has done everything but set the actual date for mine and Hugh’s wedding, and she won’t listen to me when I try to talk her.”
With my first words, the blood drained from his face. “She really thinks you’re going to marry him?”
“Of course she does! I’ve been dating him for almost a year now, and she doesn’t know I’ve been seeing anyone else. Whenever I tell her I don’t want to marry him, she decides it’s only a case of wedding jitters and I’ll get over it. And Hugh’s mother isn’t helping any. She’s over nearly every day, bringing magazines and catalogues.”
“Christ.” He dropped onto the bed, his shoulders slumped. “Why haven’t you said anything before now?”
“I didn’t want to worry you, and I thought I could handle it. But no one is paying attention to what I’m telling them. It’s like trying to stop a runaway train with one hand tied behind my back.”
“Has Hugh...”
“Asked me to marry him?” I shook my head and sat down next to him. “Not yet, but he’s going to. Soon. The other day he suggested I drive out to Fair Oaks and see if I liked the houses they’re building.”
I picked up his hand and gripped it tightly. “We have to tell them about us, Nick. It’s the only option. Unless you want me to marry Hugh,” I added quietly.
He went still. “I guess I deserved that, didn’t I? I sure haven’t done much to make you think otherwise.” When he turned to face me his voice was low. “I don’t want you to marry Hugh. It kills me every time I know you’re with him. But I don’t know what else to do, Alix. There’s still Lindsey’s—problem—to worry about.” He stood and started pacing.
“Are things getting any better?”
“No.”
“Do you have any reason to think they will?”
He ran a hand through his dark hair in frustration. “No. She still won’t listen to me.”
“So how long are we going to put our lives on hold? Another six months? A year? Two?” I stood slowly. “You can’t have us both, Nick. You need to decide who you want.”
“You’d really marry him?” His expression was one of shock mixed with despair.
I paused with my hand on the lock and looked over my shoulder. “No. But the only other solution I can come up with is for me to leave. Eventually, they’ll get the message. Either way, I need to know what your decision is soon. If I’m leaving, I have some plans to make.”
There was no manipulation intended in my ultimatum. I meant every word I’d uttered. I’d given it a lot of thought while I was pacing the room in the barn and didn’t feel like I had much choice. Part of me was so sure he’d choose Lindsey that I’d half-settled on a destination for my departure. Tucson, Arizona. Something about the red bluffs I’d seen in pictures appealed to me, and the city was big enough that I should be able to support myself while I went to college, without completely intimidating me like New York or Dallas would. Because if he chose Lindsey, there was no way I could stay, see them together every day.
I waited for his answer, and then waited a little longer, my heart sinking as the silence deepened. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Just the fact that he wasn’t saying anything was answer enough for me. “Goodbye, Nick.” I opened the door.
“Stop.”
I hovered on the threshold, afraid to turn around.
“For God’s sake, Alix, don’t go.”
“I don’t think God cares one way or the other. He pretty much lets me make my own decisions.”
“For my sake, then.” He moved up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re right. About everything. I can’t force Lindsey to accept my help, and as long as I keep protecting her, she doesn’t have to do anything on her own.”
His lips touched my hair. “Christ, I’m sorry, Alix. Sorry I’ve put you through this for so long. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t leave me.”
I turned, hope nearly choking me. “We can tell everyone?”
“Yes.” His hands caressed my neck, moved up to cradle my cheeks.
“When?”
He took a deep breath. “Tomorrow evening. Give me a chance to talk to Lindsey after work, then I’ll come straight over.”
“You’re sure?”
There was a brief hesitation, a flash of uncertainty in his eyes, but he nodded. “I’m sure.”
“Oh, Nick.” I went into his arms and our love-making that night was all the sweeter for knowing how close we’d come to loosing each other. We lingered for hours, one minute tender, the next frantic. Nick especially seemed insatiable. We’d barely finish before he’d start again. Not that I complained. I was more than willing to spend the rest of my life in his bed, doing nothing else.
“They’re going to throw a fit, you know,” he murmured after the last time. “Are you ready for that?”
I stretched and turned on my side, snuggling up to him with my head on his shoulder. “I think they’ll be shocked, but Aunt Darla is the only one who’ll really fight it. You know how she is. She’s like a snapping turtle. When she latches onto an idea she won’t let go until it thunders. But once Mama realizes we’re serious, she’ll give in. Deep down she only wants what’s best for me.” I ran a hand over his chest and down the hard planes of his stomach. “You’re what’s best for me. And Daddy is on our side. He’ll help us convince Mama and the others.”
“He knows?” Nick caught my hand and brought it to his lips.
“Yes. I think he’s suspected for a while now. We had a long talk this afternoon and he wasn’t a bit surprised. He likes you.”
He rolled until he’d pinned me to the bed, his elbows taking most of his weight while his hands cradled my face. “Are you sure, Alix? I can’t give you a big house like Hugh could. It will take me a few months to even save enough for a small apartment.”
I held his intent gaze steadily. “I’ve never asked for a big house. That was Hugh’s idea. And you won’t have to do it alone. Mrs. Lucas, Doctor Mansfield’s office manager, offered me a receptionist job after I graduate.”
“You shouldn’t have to work.” His fingers threaded gently through my hair.
“Oh? What should I do? Sit around all day on a satin pillow twiddling my thumbs? Nick, I’d go crazy in a week with nothing to do. I want to work.”
“You should go to college. You’re too smart not to.”
I shrugged. “I can do both. It might take me a little longer to finish, but I’m not in a hurry.”
He got quiet for a second. “I can’t believe we’re actually talking about a future together. I’m almost afraid to hope, like the powers that be will know and do something to screw it up.”
“They wouldn’t dare.”
He gave me a long, deep kiss, then rolled to a sitting position and checked his watch. “I’m not taking any chances. It’ll be dawn in another thirty minutes. We better get you back in the house.”
“Just promise me you won’t back out tomorrow.”
“I promise, I won’t back out.”
How different things might have been if he had, but at the time, I was so sure we were doing the right thing.
◊
Thursday was sweet agony for me. I couldn’t concentrate on anything except the evening ahead. Jenna kept giving me strange looks, once asking if I was okay when I didn’t hear what she’d said.
Finally, during lunch, she cornered me. We were standing outside the school store, a small building behind the classrooms that sold everything from paper and pencils to sodas and candy. “I know something is going on. You might as well ‘fess up.”
She knew me too well. If I didn’t give her an answer that satisfied her, she’d keep picking at me until I did. Still, I hesitated. It wasn’t that I thought Jenna would tell anyone. We’d kept each other’s confidences too often for that. It was more that I understood how she felt about me and Nick, and I didn’t want anything to spoil this day.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow night, I promise.” I figured that would give me time to tell Hugh first.
She leaned against the wall beside me and stared down at the ground. “This has something to do with Nick, doesn’t it?”
“What makes you say that?”
She shook her head. “Everything you do involves Nick in one way or another. After all this time, you’re still in love with him.”
I couldn’t deny it so I remained silent.
“There are dozens of rumors about him and Lindsey Swanner, you know.”
“I know.”
“But you still love him.”
“Yes.”
“Are you sleeping with him?” She shifted to see me better, and one look at my fiery face was all she needed. “Oh, my God. You are. Alix, how could you do that to Hugh? He loves you.”
I kept my voice low, afraid someone would overhear us. “No, Jenna. He doesn’t love me. He and I care about each other, but not that way. His mother is pushing him into asking me to marry him the same way mine is pushing me to say yes. Giving in is the path of least resistance, and as long as he isn’t in love with anyone else, he’ll do what she wants.”
“He’d probably do what she wants even if he were in love with someone else,” she said. If the trace of misery in her voice puzzled me, I chalked it up to her failing relationship with Scott Hastings. They’d been dating for most of the year, but things were cooling off rapidly as graduation approached. Scott had big plans to attend a prestigious college in the east while Jenna had already lined up a job with the Delta South Real Estate Company here in town.
“Hey, cheer up. You and Scott can still write to each other.”
She looked at me as though I’d suddenly sprouted a horn in the middle of my forehead. “I don’t think so. We both agree it’s better if we don’t see each other again after the prom.”
“I’m sorry.”
One shoulder lifted in a shrug. “No big deal. I don’t love him anymore than you love Hugh. He was only someone to have fun with.” She pushed away from the wall. “When are you going to tell Hugh?”
“I’m not sure yet,” I hedged. “I have to break the news to my family first and they’re going to be in shock.”
“Want to borrow a roll of duct tape?” She smiled wanly. “You’ll need it for Aunt Darla’s mouth.”
We headed back inside, but she stopped me as we reached the door. “I know Nick is gorgeous, Alix, and that you’ve loved him forever, but please be careful. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
Maybe she had a touch of the second sight. Or maybe she was simply a pessimist, although she’d never shown signs of being one before. More than likely it was Hugh she was worried about. I just didn’t know it back then.
That evening I made a pure nuisance of myself, getting in everyone’s way while they cooked supper, trying to help rush things along. And I watched the clock on the stove like a hawk, imagining Nick’s every move. Right about the time we sat down to eat, he was getting off work. He’d go straight to Lindsey’s, I knew, and I pushed the food around on my plate restlessly. How long would it take? An hour? Surely not two.
Forty-five minutes later I was wearing a groove in the front porch when his truck finally pulled into the driveway. Dashing down the steps, I met him as he climbed out. “You made it.”
“Of course I did.” He pulled me close and kissed me, right there in full sight of the whole world, and I knew everything was going to be all right.
“Come on.” I took his hand and tugged. “Everyone is still in the kitchen.”
“Hold your horses.” He laughed. “At least give me time to take a shower and change clothes before we face the music.”
I paused to check him over. He was wearing the dark blue uniform he worked in, and oil stains spotted it here and there. He looked wonderful to me, but I realized he’d never get past Aunt Darla in that condition.
“Okay. I’ll go with you.”
Once in his room with the door locked, he stripped while I got his clean clothes out and put them on the bed. The sound of running water drew me to the open bathroom door. Odd, but as many times as we’d made love I’d never watched him take a shower, and being there with him created a sense of intimacy I’d never experienced before.
The curtain around the tub was a clear plastic and I had no trouble seeing his every move as he lathered up the soap and scrubbed his body. I only wished it were my hands doing the honors, but I knew if I offered we wouldn’t make it back to the house for hours. Casually, I put the lid down on the toilet and sat so we could talk without yelling.
“Jenna gave me the third degree at school today.”
“Did you tell her?”
“Not in so many words, but I guess she figured it out. I don’t think she’s real happy about it.”
“A lot of people are going to be shocked, Alix. You might as well get ready for it.”
“I’m ready.” I watched as he ducked his head under the water and rinsed off the shampoo. “How did Lindsey take it?”
He used both hands to wipe the water from his face, hesitated, and then shook his head. “I don’t think she believed me.” Turning the water off, he shoved the curtain back and reached for the towel I held out, a frown on his face.
“You’re still worried about her.”
“I can’t help it, Peewee,” he said softly. “I’ve been taking care of her since she was a little kid.” He paused in the act of drying, his gaze fixed on some distant point only he could see. “Telling her was terrible, one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She just sat there staring at me, like she was waiting for the punch line. I kept asking her if she understood, and she’d nod, but I could see she didn’t understand anything. She’s always been a little slow.”
I stood and put my hand on his chest. “I’m sorry.”
His gaze focused on me and he dropped his forehead to mine. “It’s not your fault, Alix. It’s mine. I could have forced her to do what I wanted months ago. She wouldn’t have liked it, but she’d have done it.”
“Done what?” I whispered, half afraid of his answer.
“Leave town.” He pulled back and looked down at me, his eyes dark.
Surprise rippled through me, and a bit of elation. Of all the things I’d imagined he was doing, trying to get Lindsey to leave town hadn’t been among them. “Oh,” I murmured.
As though he’d read my mind, his lips curved in a smile and he kissed the end of my nose. “I’d better get dressed while I still can.”
I should have asked him why he wanted Lindsey to leave. Maybe at that point he would have told me. But I knew from experience that getting information out of Nick was like trying to pull a hen’s teeth, and I didn’t want anything to delay our confrontation with my family.
When he finished dressing, we walked toward the house holding hands, and I couldn’t help but remember that first church social when his hand gripped mine tighter and tighter. So much had changed since then, and so much remained the same. He wasn’t afraid anymore, but he was still mine.
We went in through the back door, expecting to find Mama and my aunts around the table. Instead, the only one there was my father. He was leaning against a cabinet, eating a piece of the apple pie Aunt Jane had fixed for supper. He looked up when we came in and then arched an eyebrow at me. I gave him a slight nod, and he smiled.
“Nick, nice to see you again.”
“Thanks. You too, Sir.”
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
Before he could answer, Mama darted into the room. She’d changed into a good dress and my eyes narrowed as I watched her rummage through a stack of papers on the counter top.
“Now where did I leave those estimates?” She glanced up then gave Nick a sunny smile, apparently missing our linked hands. “Nick, Dear! We haven’t seen you in ages. Have you had supper?” She hurried over and gave him a peck on the cheek.
“No, Ma’am.”
“Alix, fix him a plate while the food is still warm.”
“Are you going somewhere, Mama?”
“Of course. You know the Ladies Decoration Committee meets at church tonight.”
I nearly groaned. I’d totally forgotten about that committee. “Do you think you could miss it this one time?”
“Don’t be silly, Alix. There’s no reason to miss it.”
When I shot my father a pleading look, he hastily put his pie down. “Maybe you could be a bit late tonight, Ellie. Alix wants to talk to you.”
“It can wait, can’t it, Dear?” She tossed the reply over her shoulder without looking at me. Pushing my father gently aside, she pounced on a pile of papers. “There they are! Darla, Jane? It’s time to go!”
My aunts bustled into the room, fussed over Nick for a second, and then they were gone. I sighed in frustration and Nick put his arm around me.
“Don’t get upset. We can do it tomorrow when everyone is here.”
“He’s right,” my father added. “Why don’t you two go to a movie or something? You’re mother’s attention would have been split even if she’d stayed.”
Disappointment was a sharp sting after the day’s anticipation, but I made myself smile. “I guess you’re right.” I went to fix Nick’s food. “What are you doing here tonight?”
“The Judge and I are going to a tractor pull in town.” He rinsed his plate and left it in the sink. “And we better get going.”
“Have fun.”
“We will.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Now stop fretting. You’ve got all the time in the world.”
As soon as he left the room, Nick pulled me down on his lap and brushed the hair away from my face. “We do have all the time in the world.” He smiled. “And I still owe you a trip to the Star-vu. Let’s go have some fun tonight and I’ll come over first thing in the morning, before work, and we’ll catch them at breakfast.”
“Okay.” I returned his smile.
We did go to the movie that night, and since it was a Thursday, nearly had the place to ourselves. It was to be the first and last time we’d ever go on a real date together. The movie was boring, but we weren’t watching it anyway, too caught up in each other. And we discovered what millions of teenagers before us had discovered. Making love in a bed was a lot more comfortable than on a truck seat, even though we managed nicely.
It was around ten when we got home, and Nick walked me to the door. I wanted to ask him to stay, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear him tell me that he had to go check on Lindsey, even though I knew that’s what he’d do.
We should have had some premonition that disaster was about to strike, some primitive intuition that warned us, but we didn’t. Our entire lives were about to change, and yet neither of us had so much as an inkling that by this same time tomorrow night he’d be gone, from Morganville and from my life. And so we kissed goodbye as usual and he left. I watched him go, waiting until his truck was out of sight before going inside. If I’d known what he was walking into, I never would have let him leave.