All hell broke loose in Morganville when I left Hugh. The gossip zipped back and forth like a hummingbird on amphetamines, and the entire town was at war over its differing opinions. Part of them thought I’d lost my mind, and the other part, the part that knew about Hugh’s continued affairs, applauded my good sense. Not that any of it bothered me. I moved through the storm of rumors calm and unruffled, offering no explanations or apologies, ignoring the whispers that followed me wherever I went.
Both my family and Hugh’s were frantic, and after two months of attempted brow-beatings, wailing, and guilt trips, had resorted to giving me the cold shoulder. Even my mother barely spoke to me. For a while, the silence was a relief. I still had the Judge, who thought anything I did was just fine and dandy, and my father, who’d never approved of my marriage to Hugh anyway. And, much to my surprise, Jenna. She’d always seemed to think Hugh walked on water, but when she found out I was divorcing him, her only comment was, “It’s about time.”
The truth was, Hugh and I hadn’t had a marriage since Katie died. We lived together like strangers, both of us going our own way, barely speaking when we were in the same room. I’d simply made the separation official. Leaving had finally become easier than pretending to be happy with each other when we weren’t.
Hugh, of course, played the wounded spouse, the man whose wife had dumped him with no warning and for no apparent reason, but I knew he was relieved. He’d signed the divorce papers with no hesitation at all, especially since I was asking nothing from him, not even his name. In one more month I would be Alix French again.
I felt neither relieved nor depressed. It was only one more event that had no impact on me. I moved back to the farm, into the room in the barn, and at best, I was content.
In a sense, the place had changed. The single twin bed was the same, as was the blue and green plaid curtain on the window, faded now with time and strong sunlight. The same chair still sat in a corner. But the large room hadn’t stayed empty all this time. Cody, my cousin, had used it for several years when he’d first returned from college, and he’d added an apartment-sized stove and refrigerator, and a four-foot-long section of cabinets, the base holding a kitchen sink. He’d also had a phone line installed.
Cody had turned out to be something of a surprise. He’d majored in criminology and as soon as his degree was in his hand, he’d moved back to Morganville and gone to work as a deputy. Now he was the sheriff and one of my very best friends.
Once, he’d tried to apologize for that night at the Burger Zone when I was a kid, but I cut him off. I refused to think about Nick, or remember that night. I refused to feel anything. People who felt got hurt. Hadn’t I learned that the hard way? I wasn’t going to let it happen again.
Which is why I took the news of Nick’s return without so much as an increase in my heartbeat. Oh, yes. I had learned.
It was an early spring day, the first green shoots beginning to push their way out of the ground. I locked the doors of Southern Supply and climbed into the Chevy, piling the sheaf of papers I carried on the seat beside me. Kenny Millsap, my general manager, ran the store on Saturdays, but I always took paperwork home with me on Friday nights. It gave me something to do on my days off.
I was a bit puzzled to find Jenna’s Lincoln parked in front of the barn when I got home. Five years ago she’d bought out Mid-delta Reality and I knew she’d had an appointment scheduled early this evening. If it was already over, it probably hadn’t gone well.
“Hi. What’s up?” I asked, as I caught sight of her pacing the length of the aisle in front of the empty stalls. She looked agitated and upset, and the horde of cats that normally hung around had all found cover.
She followed me to the door of my room before answering. “Alix, you aren’t going to believe who my appointment turned out to be.”
“Who?” I put the papers on a small table against the back wall and pulled a pair of jeans and a shirt out of the closet. I wanted to take a walk in the woods behind the barn before supper, get a little exercise and fresh air.
“Will you stop and look at me? This is important.”
Still holding my clothes, I turned to her. “Okay, you have my complete attention. Now, who was it?”
“Nick Anderson.”
I remained silent, didn’t even blink. If her news startled me, I let none of it showed in my face.
“Well, aren’t you going to say something?”
“What do you expect me to say?” I draped the clothes over a chair and stripped off my dark blue, tailored suit, balancing myself with one hand on the chair back.
“I expect you to be upset, or mad, or something!” She waved her hands in the air. “He’s back, Alix, and he’s staying. He’s buying the twenty acres next to the farm. He’s going to be your neighbor.”
I shrugged as I stepped into the jeans. “It’s a free country.”
With an air of disgust, she plopped onto the easy chair. “Now I’m really worried. I thought for sure this would get a reaction out of you. You loved him, Alix. How can you be so calm after what he did to you?”
I pulled a T-shirt over my head, then raked a hand through my short hair to fix it. “That was a long time ago. Nick means nothing to me.”
“Does anything?” Her gaze was piercing. “You walk and talk, you breath and eat, you work and sleep, but you aren’t alive anymore. I thought once you got away from Hugh things might be different, but they aren’t. You’ve only changed location. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve heard you laugh?”
I knew exactly. The last time I’d laughed, the last time I’d cared about anything except my business, was the day before Katie died.
As usual, she seemed to read my mind. “You’re going to see Nick sooner or later. Will you tell him about Katie?”
I stiffened, then forced my tense shoulders to relax. No one had mentioned Katie in my presence for years. It was as though she’d never existed for anyone but me, and her name sounded alien on Jenna’s lips.
“No. Katie is none of his business.”
But Jenna had discovered the chink in my armor and she prodded it unmercifully. “Katie was his daughter, too. Don’t you think he has the right to know about her?”
“No.” I threw my suit onto a hanger and slammed it into the closet. “She was never his child and she never will be.”
“Ah-Ha! Is that a bit of anger I detect? Maybe there’s some life in you after all.”
“Drop it, Jenna.”
With a sigh, she watched me take out a sweater and tie the arms around my waist. “Okay, okay. It’s just that you’re scaring me, Alix. You act like that damn robot on Star Trek. No, I take that back. At least Data wants to feel human.”
“Jenna, I’m fine, really.”
“Where are you going?”
“For a walk. I’ve been sitting at my desk all day.”
“Loan me a pair of jeans and I’ll go with you. And if you’re a good girl, I’ll even treat you to a hamburger later.”
“Deal.”
We walked in silence for a while, the leftover leaves from last fall crunching under our feet. All around us, wild plum and redwood trees were in full bloom. The buzzing of bees, busily collecting nectar, filled the air.
“How’s your mother liking her new house?”
“Fine, I suppose.” About six months ago, Daddy had retired. He and Mother sold their house in Jonesboro and bought a smaller one down the street from the farm so she could be closer to the Judge.
“Don’t tell me she’s still not talking to you?”
My smile contained no humor. “Only when she has to. You know how close she and Helena are. They’re feeding each others indignation. I’m hoping they’ll get over it when they realize this isn’t a game, that I really am divorcing Hugh and they can’t change my mind.”
“They probably will. What about Darla?”
“You know Aunt Darla. She couldn’t stop talking if someone held a gun to her head. There’s not a week goes by that I don’t get at least one lecture on how I’m putting my immortal soul in danger. According to her, I’m going to hell in a hand-basket.”
I hadn’t set foot in a church since Katie’s funeral, much to Aunt Darla’s dismay. The problems with Hugh, plus my sudden accessibility after I moved back to the farm, had simply escalated her tirades. I’d passed the point where I listened anymore. She seemed happy enough if I merely nodded once in a while as though agreeing with her statements.
“Aunt Jane is the only one who doesn’t seem to have an opinion one way or the other. She still treats me the same way she did before I got married and left home.”
“Do you think it’s ever crossed her mind that if your father had married her, you’d be her daughter?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Jenna gave me a sideways, speculative look. “Nick asked me about you. He knows you and Hugh are getting a divorce.”
“Everyone knows about Hugh and me. I hear they have a betting pool at the barber shop and the odds are five to one I’ll call off the divorce.”
“Yeah?” She perked up. “Maybe I should stop by tomorrow.”
“Don’t. Everyone will figure you’ve got inside information and it’ll ruin their fun.”
“I suppose you’re right. Of course, when everyone discovers that Nick is back, the odds may change.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on, Alix. You honestly don’t think you were that good at hiding the way you felt about each other, do you? Every kid in school knew. Well, except Piggy. She was so busy being jealous of you and Hugh, she couldn’t see anything else.”
While I’d never really cared who Hugh’s women were, I knew for a fact that one of them had been with Piggy. She’d made it a point to see that I found out, smiling smugly while she hung on him, touching him in ways only a lover would do.
She wasn’t exactly overweight now, she was more—abundant. Not to mention married with two kids, a boy and girl, both as mean and spoiled as Piggy herself. The oldest had been born approximately six months after she married Devon Garner, the star basketball player who had nearly raped me that night at the Burger Zone. She always claimed the baby was premature even though he weighted in at nine pounds, six ounces.
I was in no position to throw stones as far as the baby went, but it was apparent to everyone Devon had been trapped into the marriage because he was second best to Hugh. These days, there was little sign of the old Devon left. He worked for an insurance company in town and had a quiet, beaten look about him. In spite of our past, I felt sorry for him. No one deserved Piggy.
But something else was bothering me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Hesitantly, I cleared my throat. “So, how does Nick look?”
“Hot damn! I knew you were interested.”
Heat flushed my cheeks. “I’m not interested, merely curious. I hope he’s fat and bald.”
“Well, you can get over that hope real fast. God, Alix, he’s even more gorgeous now than when we were kids. Wait until you see him. He could be a movie star, one of those manly men who play the tough guys in westerns. I expected to see a six-shooter strapped on his hips. And he sure doesn’t look like he’s hurting for money anymore. I swear, he says he’s paying cash for that land, and it’s not cheap.”
I turned abruptly, not wanting to hear another word about Nick, and headed back toward the barn. “Come on. Let’s go get that burger.”
#
Staying calm when Jenna told me about Nick was one thing. Actually seeing him again was something else entirely, and I fretted about the possibility for the rest of the weekend. Southern Supply generated enough paperwork to keep me in my room and occupied, but I had trouble concentrating.
At one point Sunday afternoon, I heard the distant echo of hammering coming from the direction of the twenty acres Nick was buying, but I wouldn’t allow myself to look.
Shortly after the noise started, the Judge appeared in the open door leading to the barn. “You hear that hammering?”
“Yes, Sir.” I stayed focused on the invoices in front of me.
“Know who it is?”
“Nick,” I answered.
“Okay, just wanted to make sure you knew he was back. Think I’ll go over and say hello.”
I finally looked up. “Don’t you dare do anything to exert yourself.”
We were all a little worried about the Judge. He didn’t seem to have much energy anymore, and he barely ate enough to keep a bird alive. He’d been on medication for his blood pressure for two years now.
“Stop fussing at me. You’re getting as bad as Darla. She watches me like a damn vulture. Can’t even go to the bathroom without her standing at the door checking on me. I know what I can do and what I can’t.”
“Knowing and doing are two different things, you stubborn old coot. And we only fuss because we love you.”
He used one finger to push his glasses back up his nose, then peered at me over the rims. “You want to walk over there and keep an eye on me?”
“Thanks, but I’ll have to trust you this time. I’ve got too much work left to do.”
I wouldn’t be able to avoid Nick forever, not in a town the size of Morganville, but I sure wasn’t going to look for him. I didn’t even wonder why he hadn’t tried to find me yet. It was obvious. He hadn’t wanted me fifteen years ago; I had no reason to think he’d changed his mind now. No doubt he was happily married to Lindsey. I only wished they’d found somewhere else to settle down. I wasn’t sure Morganville was big enough for the three of us.
Late Monday afternoon, my time ran out. I was on the loading dock at Southern Supply, chewing my bottom lip while I tried to figure out if the custom-cut counter top a contractor had ordered could be salvaged. The inside corners had been cut and joined at the wrong angle and it was looking hopeless.
“Alix?” The intercom crackled with static as Kenny paged me.
“Yes, Kenny?” I was still distracted. It looked like we were going to take a loss on the counter top. “Reorder it,” I told Doug, my dock manager. “And tell them they better get it right or I’ll find someone else to do my cabinet work. This is the second time they’ve messed up this month.”
He jogged to the phone as Kenny spoke again. “Got a customer at the front desk who wants to open an account.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there.”
I was proud of what Southern Supply had become. It was the biggest store in Morganville and second only to the lumber mill in employing the people in the area. We had building contractors from all over the northeast part of the state who used us exclusively for their material. Hardly a day went by when several new customers didn’t apply for accounts, so I wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary as I walked to the front desk.
Reaching under the counter, I picked up a credit application form and straightened, facing the man now standing casually in front of me.
“Hello, Peewee.” Nick’s soft voice rolled over me like molasses over a hot biscuit.
I stood there frozen, my heart pounding an erratic rhythm that made it hard to breathe, while my subconscious automatically catalogued his appearance. If anything, Jenna had understated the facts. He was taller, at least six-two, maybe more. No silver marred his thick hair, but it was shorter than I’d ever seen it before.
When he’d left fifteen years ago, his body, while well-developed, still retained boyish overtones, lanky and lean like the healthy young animal he was. Nothing about the man standing here now was boyish. He was dressed in black slacks, a black pull-over shirt, and a black linen jacket that hit him just above the knees, the dark color serving to emphasize the deep bronze of his skin. And not even his clothing could hide the long thick muscles of his legs, the broad shoulders or the flat stomach.
His face had changed, too. All the roundness was gone, leaving hard lines and chiseled planes that loudly proclaimed here was a man who knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it. A five o’clock shadow darkened his jaw. Only the dimples and the gray eyes were the same, and those I would have recognized anywhere.
The smile curving his lips faded a bit as I continued to stare at him silently, and he took a step closer. He held a set of rolled up plans in one hand.
“Alix? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me?”
By some miracle my voice came out cool and steady, even though inside I was trembling with a dozen conflicting emotions. “Nick. Jenna told me you were back.” I put the papers down and shoved them toward him. “If you’ll fill these out, we can see about getting your account opened.”
A puzzled expression filled his eyes as he reached inside his jacket for a pen. “You look great, Alix.”
“Thanks.” I forced a smile. I’d gotten real good at pretending. I could do it even when I wanted to scream.
He pulled the forms closer and studied them a second before glancing back up. “How have you been?”
“Fine.”
His gaze searched mine as he hesitated. “And Hugh? I heard the two of you are separated.”
“You heard right.” I pointed to the form. “Just fill in your address, phone number, social security number, and the name of your loan officer. We’ll do the rest.”
“I don’t have a loan officer.”
“Then the name and address of your bank will do.”
He put down the information I’d requested, shooting glances at me the entire time. When he finished, he handed it across the counter.
“It was great seeing the Judge yesterday. He looks just like he always did.”
“Yes, he does. I take it you’re building a house on the land you’re buying?”
“Alix, is something wrong?” His brows were lowered, mouth curving downward in a worried frown.
“Of course not.” I refused to meet his eyes. He’s simply another customer, I told myself. Ruthlessly, I ground my building anger under my heel and reached for the plans. I couldn’t believe he was acting as though no time had passed, as though we could take up right where we’d left off. “It usually takes the bank a few days to get back to us on the applications, but if you’d like, we can make up a material list for you and have it ready to go.”
“That will be fine.”
Nick’s gaze burned into me while I unrolled the plans, but I ignored him. “Have you decided on a contractor yet? If you haven’t, we keep a list...” My voice trailed off as I stared down at the blueprint, and everything in me went still.
The year I was eighteen, when Hugh had been after me to go look at the houses in Fair Oaks, I’d come across a picture in a magazine. It was of an old farm house that had been restored, and I’d fallen instantly in love with the sweeping porches, wide expanses of glass, the half-dozen gables, and the old fashioned flower beds full of hollyhocks, roses and honeysuckle. It hadn’t been just a house to me, it was what a home should be.
Cutting it carefully from the magazine, I’d clipped it to a blank sheet of paper and then spent hours designing the inside. It was my dream house, the one I would have built if I’d had any choice in the matter. And now it stared back at me from Nick’s blueprints, every detail exactly as I’d drawn it.
“What do you think?” His asked, his voice soft, hopeful.
“Where did you get this?” My hands were shaking so hard the paper rattled.
“From you. You left it in my room one night, and I’ve been carrying it around with me for the last fifteen years. When I knew we were coming back, I had the plans drawn up from your sketches. I wasn’t sure you’d remember it.”
Not only did I remember it, I remembered the night I left it. We’d made love, one of the last times we’d spent together in his room, and I hadn’t thought to take my drawings with me when I left. By the time I did think about them again, Nick was gone and I’d married Hugh. I had assumed the plans were thrown away when Aunt Darla cleaned out the room.
Now Nick was going to build it. For him and Lindsey. My anger boiled, seethed until I could barely speak. “I see.” The plans rolled up with a snap as I released them. “Kenny can figure it up for you. When you get the foundation down, just call him and he’ll get the material delivered out to you.”
“Alix...” He reached for my hand, but I pulled away just as movement from his left caught my attention. I never found out what he intended to say because my legs went rubbery and I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was stare at the boy who’d stopped beside him. It was like seeing Nick again as he’d been at fifteen, like seeing a male version of what Katie would be if she’d lived.
“Hey, Dad. Bowie is taking Lindsey and me to Jonesboro for supper and to do some shopping. He wants to know if we should wait on you.”
The expression on Nick’s face when he looked at the boy screamed love and pride. Casually, he slung an arm around the young man’s shoulders. “Daniel, this is Alix French. Alix, this is my son, Daniel.”
Twin dimples popped out when Daniel grinned and my heart stuttered to a standstill. Agonizing pain ripped through me as he extended a hand.
“Hi. It’s a pleasure. Dad’s told me all about you.”
Somehow, I managed to shake his hand and welcome him to Morganville, all while my brain chanted over and over, “he’s Katie’s brother—he’s Katie’s brother.”
It had honestly never occurred to me that Nick might have other children. Maybe because I hadn’t wanted to think about it. Stupid of me, in retrospect, but I now felt doubly betrayed and was even more determined that he’d never find out about Katie.
“You go ahead,” Nick was telling Daniel. “I’ll see you guys later.”
Dear Lord. Even Nick’s accent was gone. He didn’t exactly sound northern, but he didn’t sound southern anymore either.
As Daniel headed for the door, I waved Kenny over. “Kenny, this is Mr. Anderson. You’ll be taking care of his account from now on.” Picking up the form Nick had filled out, I shoved it in Kenny’s hand and turned, fully intending to leave Nick standing there.
“Alix, wait. How about letting me buy you dinner tonight? We can talk over old times, catch up with what’s been happening.”
I suspect my hair was standing on end when I rounded furiously on Nick. My anger and pain had finally reached the point of no return.
“Old times? Listen to me, you bastard. The only thing I want to do is forget you ever existed. And if that’s not clear enough for you, let me spell it out. I will not have dinner with you, ever. Not only do I not want to ‘catch up,’ I don’t give a damn what you’ve been doing all this time. In other words, leave me the hell alone!” Jenna would be proud of me, I thought a bit hysterically. I certainly wasn’t reacting like an unemotional robot now.
The blood drained from Nick’s face, and poor Kenny’s eyes were the size of dinner plates. “Kenny, you’re in charge,” I snarled, grabbing my purse from beneath the counter. “I’m leaving early.”
But I’d forgotten how stubborn and determined Nick could be. He caught up with me as I reached the Chevy and grabbed my arm. All over the parking lot, customers stopped what they were doing to watch.
His eyes narrowed as he stared at me. “Do you want to tell me what that was all about?”
“Think about it.” I struggled to retake possession of my arm, but he hung on, his grip firm yet gentle.
“I’ve thought about a lot of things the last fifteen years, things we need to talk about.”
“Well, I don’t want to talk to you.” Oh, God. I sounded like a spoiled four-year-old, and the situation was deteriorating rapidly. I had to get away from him. “Please let go of me.”
He hesitated, then released my arm. But he didn’t back off. Instead, he cupped my cheek with one hand, his thumb caressing the skin on my neck. “I’ve missed you, Peewee. I don’t know why you hate me now, but I’m going to find out, and I’m not going to leave you alone. I came home thinking you were happily married to Hugh, but even then I hoped at the very least we could still be friends.”
“Oh, is that what we were? Friends?” I jerked away from him, climbed into the Chevy, and slammed the door shut. “You know something, Nick? That may just be the only truthful thing you’ve ever said to me. And you know something else? I don’t need or want friends like you.” I started the car and put it in gear. “Say hello to Lindsey for me,” I snapped as the car shot backward out of the parking space.
It was a miracle I didn’t hit someone. When I glanced back at the store, Nick was standing there watching me leave, his hands knotted into fists at his side. Take that, you asshole, I thought.
Morganville had changed drastically since my childhood. The old general store had been converted into an IGA, the benches adorned with old men in deep conversations were gone from the front sidewalk now. The one room, plank post office with the rickety steps had been hauled to the middle of a field where it sat alone, falling into more disrepair every year. The new one was a modern brick building on Main Street and the old site now held the barber shop and a laundromat.
The streets were paved instead of the gravel I had once scampered over barefoot, and city hall had been moved to a newer building with more office space, the old one sitting empty, only used for meetings of the senior citizens’ group. At the traffic light that had been installed on the highway, a convenience store sat on the corner to the right, and what had once been Hawkins Gas Station on the left was now an auto parts store. But I saw none of the changes as I drove through town this time. Anger blurred my vision.
By the time I made it home, I was shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I never reacted like that, never. The last time I’d lost control of my temper had been that night at the Burger Zone, and I figured being drunk was a pretty good excuse for that episode.
This time I had no excuse. I’d done exactly what I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do. I let Nick get to me. He’d have to be pretty stupid not to figure out how I felt about Lindsey after that fit I threw, and Nick had never been stupid.
Taking the picture of Katie from my wallet, I curled up on the bed and ran my finger over her tiny face. It was the last picture I’d had made of her, one of the few I kept with me.
“Your father’s back, baby,” I whispered. “And you’ve got a brother. Oh, Katie, he looks so much like you that it hurts to see him. But don’t you worry. We’re going to be just fine, I promise. I don’t care how mad he makes me, he’ll never find out about you. He doesn’t deserve to know. Not after he abandoned us. Not after he let you die.”
The phone rang, but I ignored it. I was too busy repairing the crack Nick had put in my walls to deal with anyone right now. Brick by brick, I reinforced each section, making myself remember why I hated him, why I couldn’t go through this again.
It took me over an hour, but when it was finished, I was calm and cool, sure that nothing could endanger my emotional stability ever again. Especially not Nick.
Famous last words, or a premonition? Because Nick had meant it when he said he wasn’t going to leave me alone.